米勒一家（2013）

Oh, fine! You know what? I'll just figure it out on my own.
-醉了 -醉了
- You know what?! - You know what?!
-醉了 -醉了
- You know what?! - You know what?!
醉了
You know what?
你得做点什么 亚当
You need to do something, Adam, okay?
你不能让他在我们家门前
You can't just let him stand out
杵一辈子吧
on the front porch forever.
他都已经在这里站了有...
I mean, he's already been out here for, like...
你在这里站了多久了来着
How long have you been out here?
26小时
26 hours.
26小时 这是要吓死我吗
26 hours. He's freaking me out!
好吧
Oh, fine.
让他进来吧
Let him in.
有礼了
Namaste.
给你两分钟时间解释 尊贵的骗子杰夫
You got two minutes, exalted liar Jeff.
你听我解释
Look. Let me explain.
我们是住在树林里的一群嬉皮士
We were a bunch of hippies living in the woods.
一天晚上 其他人都搭好伴儿要野战了
One night, everyone paired off to have sex,
就只剩下我和胖子雷吉
leaving only me and fat Reggie.
所以我就滑着轮滑进了城 发现了一部叫做
So I roller-skated into town, discovered a little movie
《星球大战》的小♥电♥影♥
called Star Wars.
第二天我就跟大家都说了
The next day, I told everybody about it.
但是他们都嗑嗨了 根本没听到我说
But they were so stoned, they missed the part
那是我看的一场电影
where I said it was a movie!
他们都震惊了
They were blown away.
突然之间大家都把我当做他们的领导
Suddenly, everyone's looking up to me like their leader.
我们当时也正需要这个
And we needed that.
我接管的时候 整群人就剩下四个套套
When I took over, we were down to four condoms
还有半袋子毒品了
and a half bag of mushrooms.
我们那伙儿人特点就是喜欢做♥爱♥和吸毒
Our commune features a lot of sex and drugs.
你们打高尔夫吗
Is there golf?
我们不打 但会跟附近一个叫海特的人一起打
No, but we have a deal worked out with a nearby Hyatt.
算我一个
Sign me up.
真不相信大家竟然会相信你的话
I can't believe people fell for this.
都是因为吸了毒的缘故吧
Well, keep in mind the drugs.
再说了 他们确实想要如此
Plus, the fact is they wanted to.
我们需要一个赖以生存的生活体系
We needed some structure to live by.
好吧 所以你就一直生活在谎言里喽 行
All right, so you got caught up in a lie, fine.
但是你为什么让我们做那么多傻♥逼♥的事
But why did you make us do all that stupid stuff,
比如让我们写下两个秘密 然后扔进
like write down two secrets and then drop them
一个神奇铁垃圾箱里
in a magic metal trash can?
美其名曰"写二丢二"
It was called write two, drop two.
还叫什么R2D2[星战中的机器人]
"R2D2."
我自有我的理由
Look, I had my reasons.
R2是个建议箱 是用来解决大家的问题的
I used R2 as a suggestion box to help solve people's problems.
我还记得
I remember a certain
有个傻大个儿一直写什么
tall drink of awkward who always wrote
一见到姑娘就紧张
about being nervous around girls.
你还告诉我我体内有种特殊的"力量"
Yeah, you told me that I had a special "force"
可以保护我不会让我丢人
inside me that would protect me from humiliation.
这就跟你的其他事一样 都是谎言
It was just a lie like everything about you.
是吗 还是你的确觉得你内心有种特殊力量
Was it? Or did thinking you had a special force inside of you
给了你勇气让你接近你现在的妻子
give you the courage to approach your wife?
我的老天啊杰夫
Holy mother of Jeff.
你不喜欢我我可以理解
I understand if you don't like me.
但是请不要告诉别人
But please don't tell the others what you know.
他们需要这个
They need this!
谁都需要信仰点什么吧
I mean, I guess everybody needs to believe in something.
其实你从《星球大战》中盗用的
And-and the truth is, all these lessons you stole
塑造了今天的我
from Star Wars made me the person I am today.
我很高兴你以前有那种生活
And I'm glad you've lived the life you have.
因为我爱今天的你
Because I love who you are today.
杰夫 抱歉我开始说了那么多难听的话
Jeff, I'm sorry I said some harsh things.
如果你想留下坐会儿 我愿意跟你聊聊
If you want to stick around, I'd love to catch up.
对啊 你留下吃饭吧
Yeah, you should stay for dinner.
开什么玩笑 留下吃饭太好了
Are you kidding? I'd love to.
-你老婆很漂亮啊 -对
- Your wife is quite beautiful. - ?Yeah.
期待见见你其他老婆
I look forward to meeting the others.
好 马上开始直播
Okay, we go live any minute.
大显身手吧
Go get them.
凯洛 凯洛
Carol! Carol!
借过 借过 借过 借过
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,
借过 借过 借过 借过
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
借过 借过 借过
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
你能来参加内森的采访真是太好了 基普
You're a big man for showing up to Nathan's interview, Kip.
我知道你还在生他的气
I know you're mad at him.
我可以把对个人的感情和工作区分开来
Well, I can separate the man from his work.
我还是爱保罗·纽曼的
I still love Paul Newman
即使吃了他的意面酱让我胃疼
even though his pasta sauce gives me heartburn.
谢谢 柏妮丝
Thank you, Bernice.
这里是书迷粉丝会现场
We're live here at comic-fan-fest,
坐在我身边的是
and I'm sitting with
独一无二的马丁·J·S·艾塞克斯
the one and only Martin J.S. Essex.
马丁 你写的《雨与火之歌♥》系列是时下最热的
Martin, your Fire and Rain series is the hottest...
无聊
Boring!
他们早就知道我写的书了
These guys already know about my books.
因为他们跟我一样是怪咖
Because they're nerds just like me.
对吗 亲爱的怪咖们
Right, my brother nerds?
是的
Yeah!
我们都是怪咖
We're all nerds here.
除了这个人
Except for this guy.
我跟内森是高中同学
You see, Nathan and I went to middle school together.
念书那会儿 他是那种校草级人物
And back at school, he was the popular kid.
而且他还欺负过我
And he used to bully me!
竟然欺负我
Me!
好 今天的书迷粉丝会就到此为止
Well, that's all for today from comic-fan-fest.
我们转接回柏妮丝所在的演播室
Back to you, Bernice, in the studio.
现在回不去 柏妮丝把塑身裤脱了
We can't go back. Bernice took off her spanx,
她得需要五分钟才能
and she needs at least a five-minute warning
再把裤子穿上
to put them back on.
你干什么呢 马丁 我们说好了的
What are you doing, Martin? We had a deal here.
我确实欠你 凯洛·米勒
I do owe you, Carol Miller.
但是我跟你儿子之间的债更多
But I owe your son so much more!
背叛行为 马丁的经典手法
A double cross. Classic MJSE.
我跟你们一样愤怒 亲爱的怪咖们
I was as angry as you, my nerds!
但是后来我跟他母亲谈过 我简直无法相信
But then I spoke to his mum, and I couldn't believe
她口中自己儿子有多可悲
the pathetic stuff she revealed.
就是这个人
I mean, this guy?
他的生活真是悲剧啊
His life sucks!
鉴于我是个绅士
Now, I'm a gentleman,
所以我不会自信地重复
so I'm not gonna repeat what was said in confidence
以前老生常谈的话
over a turkey club and a Fanta.
但是我要给大家看一段我秘密录下的视频
But I will show you the video I secretly recorded.
我根本不知道我儿子念高中的时候是个恶霸
I had no idea my son was a bully in middle school.
在家的时候他就是个温暖敏感的小天使
At home, he was a sweet, sensitive angel.
我们每次玩《妙探寻凶》游戏时
We couldn't even play the board game Clue
他都会哭 因为有人死了他伤心
without him crying because he was so upset someone died.
对不起我小时候看到谋杀会不开心
Oh, I-I'm sorry if murder upset me as a child.
连教授和上校都无法相信
I mean, if you can't trust a professor
那还有谁值得相信吗
and a colonel, who can you trust?
他的婚姻就只持续了三年
His marriage only lasted three years.
但是我觉得他要花六年时间才能走出来
But I think it's gonna take him six to get over it.
他的女人跟他在一起
His woman could only stand
就待了三年时间
being with him for three years
然后就受不了了
before she split.
女人很难搞嘛
Women are hard.
你们再看看下面
Wait till you see this.
他离婚后特别孤单寂寞
I mean, he was so lonely after his divorce.
显然是需要个室友了
It was clear he needed a roommate.
不好意思 刚才那是什么
I'm sorry. What was that?
一个43岁的大男人还需要室友