米勒一家（2013）

这是我自传的前四十页
Here's the first 40 pages of my autobiography,
这是自91年以来我申请参加《真实世界》的材料
and here are all my applications to The Real World since '91.
我们得临时抱佛脚
We're gonna to have to cram,
所以我建议你喝点咖啡提提神
so I suggest you put on some coffee.
好吧
Uh. Well, yeah.
说实话我家里还真没咖啡了
Actually, you know what? I'm out of coffee.
但是没事 我出去买♥♥点就行
But, that's okay-- I'll run out and grab some.
那你拿支笔记一下吧 因为我的要求很多
Oh, then grab a pen because my order is very complicated,
我可不想累坏了你那可人的小脑袋
and I don't want to overwhelm that pretty little head of yours.
准备好了吗
Ready?
好了
Ready.
小杯
Small.
不加牛奶
Black.
咖啡
Coffee.
给我读一遍
Read it back.
基普是被困双子座的处♥女♥男
Kip is a Virgo trapped in a Gemini's body.
他喜欢玩小雪橇 不喜欢玩大雪橇
He likes luge, but not bobsled.
他的左侧大腿上有四道伤疤
And he has four scars on his left thigh
是被人用沙拉叉捅的
from being stabbed with a salad fork.
是右边大腿 是筷子戳的
Right thigh, chopsticks.
该死 米勒 集中注意力好吗
Damn it, Miller, get your head in the game!
我要让你去教手工课 凯洛
I'm gonna have you teach a craft class, Carol.
这是什么 手♥机♥穿的工装裤吗
What are these, overalls for your phone?
虽然跟婴儿装一样但是好萌啊
They're Osh Kosh B'dorable.
谢谢
Thank you.
汤姆从来不欣赏我的手工品
Tom never appreciated my crafts.
他还说商店里都能买♥♥到
He said why do things by hand,
干吗费劲自己动手
when you can just go to the store.
他这话简直惹毛我了
Made me so angry.
所以我让他在接下来的十年都自己动手解决需求
I made him do things by hand for the next ten years.
自己的丈夫就是世界上最糟的人
Husbands are the worst.
利昂从不支持我的任何爱好
Leon never supported any of my passions.
连我会说两种语言他都讨厌
He hated the fact that I spoke two languages.
真的吗 你都会什么
Really? What do you speak?
英语和黑话啊
English and Latin.
还没说完 是儿童黑话
Comma, pig.
儿童黑话 我知道这个很白♥痴♥
Pig Latin. I know it's stupid.
点一都痴白不吗好
On't-day e-bay illy-say.
谢你谢洛凯
Oh, anks-thay Arol-cay.
每次我在家里说这个利昂就会朝我大吼大叫
Leon would yell when I tried to speak it around the house.
但对一个连离婚都要发短♥信♥说的人
But what should I have expected
我还能期望他怎么样呢对吧
from a man who divorced me through a text?
这话我说了很多年了 手♥机♥就是恶魔
I've said it for years-- cell phones are evil.
所以我才给他们穿上裤子
That's why I put 'em in overalls
这样它们看上去还能亲切一点
to make them seem more approachable.
基普 上面说你上高中时
Hey, Kip. Uh, it says here that you were the captain
是学校足球队队长
of your high school football team?
同时你还是啦啦队队长
And that you were also the head cheerleader.
是啊 每次比赛结束后我都累得要死
Yeah, I was pretty tired by the end of the game.
-天哪 他来了 -来了 来了
- Oh, God-- he's here. - Okay. Yeah, yeah.
-凯洛 快去厨房♥ -好
- Um, Carol, in the kitchen! - Yeah. Yeah.
我看上去怎么样
How do I look?
设问而已
Rhetorical question.
我知道自己看上去很棒
I kind of know I look great.
我们开始吧
Let's do this.
雷
Ray?
天 我忘记打电♥话♥跟你说了
Oh, man, I forgot to call.
抱歉 我不能去跟你打球了
Sorry, I-I can't make the game.
现在我正忙着呢
I'm kind of busy right now.
原来是今天啊
Oh, that's today?
就是这哥们儿吗
This the dude?
你们俩挺配啊
You guys make a cute couple.
要不我把我们家孩子分你们两个养吧
I'd give you two my unwanted baby.
我们以后再说好吗
Man, we'll talk later, okay?
你快走吧
You got to go.
太晚了
Uh, too late.
这事儿你也跑不了了
Uh, you're part of this now.
你是我们的朋友
You're our friend,
纽约一家三星级米其林餐厅的厨师
a three-star Michelin chef from New York
你专程坐火车过来给我们做晚餐
who took the train down to cook us a dinner
庆祝我们在一起三个月纪念日
to celebrate our three-month anniversary.
你是在孤儿院长大的 所以自卑缺乏自信
You were raised in an orphanage, and you have low self-esteem.
-我的餐厅能在小意大利城吗 -怎么不行
- Can my restaurant be in Little Italy? - Why not?
好嘞没问题
Badda-bing, badda-boom! Boom!
小勒小勒小勒
Nate, Nate, Nate.
你先去楼上 然后好出场
Go upstairs so you can make an entrance.
快去快去
Go, go, go.
帕格斯利给你
Here's Pugsley.
它在车里跟我顶嘴 所以我罚它暂停休息了
He's in a timeout for talking back to me in the car.
这里是谁家
Whose place is this?
我去 这里客厅怎么还放台跑步机啊
And, barf, why is there a treadmill in the living room?
这是我男朋友家 利昂
This is my boyfriend's place, Leon.
男朋友
Boyfriend?
好诡异 我送帕格斯利那么多次
Odd. All the times I've dropped off Pugsley
你怎么从没跟我提过你有男朋友了
you never mentioned a boyfriend once.
为了他 我们得低调行事
We had to keep it under wraps as a matter of discretion.
他是个公众人物
He's a public figure.
其实你可能还认识他
In fact, you may know him.
你一定就是利昂吧
You must be Leon.
海鲜杂烩浓汤做好了
Chowder's almost ready.
保证我妈妈吃了都会说好吃
I bet my mama liked chowder.
可惜我没机会知道了
I'll never know.
我爱他的一切
I just love everything about him.
爱他穿10号♥半网球鞋
From his size 10.5 tennis shoes
爱他以3.9的成绩从科尔盖特大学毕业
to the fact that he graduated from Colgate with a 3.9.
刚好是血液中酒精含量哦
Blood-alcohol content.
海鲜杂烩汤已经趋近完美了
Chowder's peaking to perfection.
我做了45人份的
I made enough for 45.
我在孤儿院就只学会了这么做
That's the only way I learned at the orphanage.
真不敢相信我们都在一起三个月了
I cannot believe that it's been three months.
三个月期间我们每天形影不离
And we spent every single day together.
你们每天形影不离吗
You spent every day together?
是啊 谈恋爱也要全勤啊
Oh, yeah. Our relationship has perfect attendance.
真的吗
Really?
因为如果我没记错
Because if I recall,
国民警卫队每月那两天是不允许客人拜访的
the National Guard doesn't allow guests those two days a month.
所以你们是怎么做到每天都在一起的
So, how have you been together every day?
那会儿我留在基普的车上了
Well, I stayed in Kip's car at the base.
你留在基普的车上了吗
You stayed in Kip's car?
他是指踏板
He means scooter.
对 是踏板那家伙的车
Right, Scooter's car.
不 是我有辆踏板
No, I have a scooter.
他是说踏板 他知道我不开车的
He means scooter. He knows I don't drive.
看过我自传的人都知道 基普只骑踏板车
As does anybody who's read my autobiography, Kip on a Scooter.
外面情况不妙啊
Things are not going great out there.
好像要露馅了
I don't think it's gonna work.
我又不是个演员
I'm not an actor!
我也不是演员啊
I'm not an actor, either.
但是演技就是融入角色嘛
But all acting is is committing to the role.
如果你想让你老妈搬出去
Now if you want your mother out of your house,
你就得融入角色
you have to commit.
虽然我是没妈的人
Now, I don't have a mama.
但如果我有妈...
But if I did have a mama...
等等 你有妈啊
Wait, y-you do have a mother.
她住在菲尼克斯
She lives in Phoenix.
每月还给你寄起司蛋糕吃呢
She sends you a cheesecake once a month.
我现在这是在融入角色呢
I'm committing to a role right now.
你可以让你妈搬出去
You can get your mother out the house.
但是前提你得融入角色
But you have to commit to the role.
说得对 我得 我得融入角色
You're right, I got to... I got to commit.