江湖郎中（2017）

-我经常有其他的念头 -这样啊
- I find my head is turned by other thoughts. - I see.
不合适的念头
Inappropriate thoughts.
这样啊
I see.
-你睡眠正常吗 -睡得不好
- Do you sleep? - Not well.
一整晚都辗转反侧
I spend the night tossing and turning.
卡洛琳 如果你愿意的话
Caroline, if you're willing,
我想给你试试一种不寻常的诊断方法
I'd like to try an unusual form of diagnosis with you.
这是一颗颅相学的头
This is a phrenology head.
我读到过相关的
Oh, I've read about this.
这门科学认为
This is a science which believes
人的心智存于大脑中
the mind of an individual is contained in the brain?
是的
That's right.
这个模型表明了
This model shows
大脑的不同功能位于哪个区
where the different functions of the brain are located.
通过触摸一个人脑部的轮廓
By feeling the contours of someone's head,
就能检查出某个功能是增强还是减弱了
one can detect where certain functions are enlarged or decreased.
这对性格也有影响
This affects personality.
-你相信这套理论 -是的
- And you believe in this, do you? - I do.
卡洛琳
Caroline.
我
May I...
可以摸你的头吗
touch your head?
可以
You may.
他本应该给斯迈尔斯吸乙♥醚♥的
He should have used some ether on Smiles.
那你可能就不会把他的老二剁下来了
Then you might not have hacked off his tallywags.
对 那是个好主意
Oh, yes, no, that's a good idea.
你还记得上次用乙♥醚♥时发生了什么吗
Do you remember what happened last time we used ether?
你让那个胖挖土工睡着了 他再也没醒过来
You put that fat navvy to sleep and he didn't wake up again.
那是时运不济 他太胖了 我才弄错剂量
That was bad luck, I got the dosage wrong because of his fatness.
是他的错喽
Oh, it was his fault?
你就是那位莱辛先生吧
You're that Mr Lessing, isn't you?
是我
Yes, Iam.
贝琪 过来 这真是那位莱辛先生
Becky? Come here. It IS that Mr Lessing!
麻♥醉♥药♥有用的 你心知肚明
These drugs can help. And you know it.
你把手术变成了尸检
You turned an operation into an autopsy.
你情愿病人惨叫
You'd rather the patients were screaming.
那样至少能让我知道他们还活着
At least if they're screaming, I know they're alive.
坐吧 女士们 这位是约翰 他是个拔牙的
Have a seat, ladies. This is John, he's a tooth-puller.
而不是剁蛋蛋的
As opposed to being a testicle hacker.
你开始了吗
Have you started yet?
-我现在就要摸你了 卡洛琳 -好
- I'm going to touch you now, Caroline. - Right.
有一处
There is...
没错 这有一处小坑
Yes! There is a small depression here
就在你头顶
at the crown of your head.
这一区域控制的是
This is the area that controls
对权威的尊重
respect of authority
以及对上帝的崇敬
and veneration to God.
天啊 卡洛琳
Oh, my goodness, Caroline,
我能摸到你的小脑
I can feel your cerebellar.
我从没摸到过这样的小脑
I've never one felt like it.
什么意思
How do you mean?
小脑是控制
The cerebellar is the seat of...
恋爱的区域
amativeness...
多情的爱
of loving fondness
以及男女
and marital...
交♥媾♥
Congress.
你是指肉♥欲♥的爱
Do you mean sexual love?
没错
Yes!
没错 男性的这一区域一般比女性要大
Yes, it's an area that's always larger on men than women.
正常来说是这样
Well, normally it is.
我的有什么问题
What's wrong with mine?
你的大得出奇
YOUS IS enormous.
跟公牛的尺寸差不多
Like something you might feel on a bull.
我觉得这多少能解释
I think this may to some degree
你感觉到的不快乐
explain the unhappiness you're feeling.
我该怎么办
Well, what should I do?
请容我思考后再告知你治疗建议
I shall need to think what treatment to advise.
谢谢你 威廉 这次诊断...很有帮助
Thank you, William. I found this very...helpful.
现在我成了你的病患 你会再来吧
As I'm now your patient, will you visit me again?
那就好
Good.
我觉得治疗的事就别告诉我丈夫了
I think we'd better not tell my husband about your sessions,
你认为呢 免得他太过担心
do you agree? Wouldn't want him to worry unduly.
慢用 莱辛先生 两品脱啤酒
There you are, Mr Lessing, two pints of the Squirrels.
看来你这周的手术也很成功
I gather you've had another week of successful operation.
确实如此
True, I suppose.
女观众们就喜欢看你做截肢手术 是吧
The ladies can't get enough of your amputations, can they, sir?
其实有件事
There is a matter I did
我想跟你聊聊 不知方不方便
want to have a quick word about, if possible.
是我个人的医疗咨♥询♥
A personal medical matter.
我晚上经常遗精
I'm leaking sperm at night.
我老婆觉得这样下去我可能会死
My wife thinks that if it continues, I may well die.
她建议我不吃水果 我觉得是个好主意
She suggested I shouldn't eat fruit which I think is a good idea.
-确实如此 -这样对我也方便
- It certainly is. - And convenient for me too,
-因为我确实不吃水果 -那很好
- because I never do eat fruit. - Well done.
后来我又拿这件事
And then I had a good chat about it
问了高街的弗拉沃斯医生
with Dr Flowers on the high street.
传说中的江湖郎中之首 他怎么说
Oh, yes, the king of the quacks, what did he say?
让你把女式裙裤穿在头上
Wear your culottes on your head
再喝一些他刚好在卖♥♥的
and drink some expensive turd water
昂贵粪水吗
that he happened to have on sale?
不 他让我喝大量水银
No, he told me that I should take a large amount of mercury
每天四次
four times a day.
后来三英镑卖♥♥了我一瓶水银
And then he sold me a bottle of it for three pounds.
你感觉如何
How's that working for you?
搞得我出汗 流口水还会呕吐
It's made me sweat, dribble and vomit.
挺好的
Which is very good.
这证明我的身体在排毒
That's the filth leaving my body.
那你的建议呢 什么都不做吗
What would you suggest, then, do nothing?
不 他说得对
No, quite right.
我也建议你多喝水银
I'd say take lots of mercury.
也许可以搭配点你老婆的尿
Maybe with some of your wife's urine.
心理学家大驾光临
The mentalist has decided to grace us.
你去哪儿了 听别人吐露心声吗
Where have you been, listening to someone open their mind?
不 我去了...
No, I've been at...
我去了听演讲
at the...lecture.
威廉 这位是玛姬
William, this is Maggie.
她非常喜欢我的医术
She's got a fancy for my surgery skills.
这位 抱歉 亲爱的你叫什么
And this is, sorry, what's your name again, love?
-丽贝卡 -对 贝琪
- Rebecca. - Oh, Becky.
两位美女 这位是威廉 精神病医生
Girls, this is William, he's an alienist.
你肯定不懂这词的意思
You won't know what that means.
-他也不懂 -谁都不懂
- Neither does he. - No-one does.
来吧 先生 干杯
Unclench, sir. Down the hatch.
不 不喝白兰地 我今晚不能醉
No, no, no brandies. I'm not getting tight tonight.
-你醉了才更有趣 -才不是
- You're more fun when you do. - No, I'm not!
不然我们尝尝这个
Or, shall we try a smatter of this?
刚上市的 名叫"秘鲁之夜"
Just come on sale, it's called Va Peru.
看起来真高级
Oh, it looks fancy.
能够强身健体 提神活血
It will restore health, energy and vitality.
里面是什么
Oh, what's in it?
红酒和可♥卡♥因♥
Red wine and cocaine.
教皇很喜欢 还帮它宣传了
The Pope likes it, he's endorsed it.
-可♥卡♥因♥有什么副作用吗 -不碍事
- What does cocaine do, any side-effects? - Nothing major.
*造船之法*
*The way to build a boat*
*造船之法*
*The way to build a boat*
*让墨水与丝绸传遍天下*
*For ink and silk can teach the world*
*造船之法*
*The way to build a boat!*
*造船之法*
*The way to build a boat!*
真好听
That was lovely!
好了 接下来谁想去我家
Right, who wants to come back to my place
吸笑气吸到蛋蛋都要笑掉
and take nitrous oxide till their balls fall off?