黄瓜（2015）

Cucumber S01E02

Part 1 Sept. 28, 2020, 3:09 p.m.

前情提要
-你愿意嫁给我吗 -不
- Will you marry me? - No.
-亨利能不能请你帮个忙 -现在不行
- Henry, can I ask you a favour...? - Not now.
你就安定下来了吗
Settled down, have you?
没错
Yeah.
你们做过吗
Have you done it yet?
这是我同事亨利
This is Henry from work.
你总是这样
You always did that.
从不出轨只玩暧昧
Never had affairs, just obsessions.
我是兰斯·沙利文合作教育科科长
Lance Sullivan, Head of Corporate and Education.
-你好小心点 -抱歉
- Hi there. Oh, careful. - Sorry...
-你想干什么 -借一下那篇论文
- Could you what? - Borrow it. The essay.
他偷了我的东西
He just stole from me.
我没想剽窃
I wasn't going to steal it.
你能跟我们一起回去只打炮不麻烦
We could go back to our house. No hassle. Just sex.
跟我们俩做你就能住一晚上
With the both of us. And then... you can stay the night.
兰斯我们该停手
Lance, we should stop!
有个男人在我家里
There is a... man in my house...
没必要伤害他
There's no need to hurt him!
我能住这吗
can I stay?
每对恩爱的情侣都有秘密
Every happy couple has a secret.
他们努力对此视而不见
They try to ignore it, they turn a blind eye,
但其实他们的感情都岌岌可危
but every happy couple is in danger,
因为每对恩爱的情侣都有手♥机♥
because every happy couple has a mobile phone.
我发明了一个测试
I've invented a test.
起名为"亨利测试"
I call it the Henry test.
测试流程是这样的
It works like this.
如果你觉得你正处于恋爱的甜蜜期
If you think you're happy in your relationship,
那就请立刻拿到你伴侣的手♥机♥
then take your partner's phone right now.
然后阅读最新的20条短♥信♥
Then read the last 20 texts.
就是这么简单
That's all. That's the test.
只要翻阅你挚爱伴侣最新的20条短♥信♥
Just read your beloved's last 20 texts.
他妈的这人是谁这他妈什么玩意
What the hell's this? What the hell is this?
认为自己很幸福吗
Think you're happy?
那就拿过他们的手♥机♥ 看你敢不敢看
Then pick up their phone. I dare you.
"亨利测试"现在...开始
The Henry test starts... now.
黄瓜第二集
我们要走了钥匙就放在厨房♥桌子上
We're off, then! The key's on the kitchen table!
-我们晚些见 -好的
- We'll see you later, yeah? - OK.
别溜进我的卧室对着我的内♥裤♥打飞机
And don't go in my room and wank over my pants, OK?
好的
OK!
没有电视机
No TV.
卡特里娜
-什么事 -天啊亨利
- What? - Oh, my God, Henry.
一大早就有人打电♥话♥给我警♥察♥来了
I got called in early, cos the police are here.
和人力资源部一起来的
They're with HR.
他们说他死了
They said that he's dead.
苏尼尔·莫彻达尼自杀了
Sunil Merchandani is dead. He killed himself.
我知道他们昨晚告诉我了
Yes, I know. I spoke to them last night.
听我说我需要你帮我个忙
Now, listen, I need a favour.
他们怎么说到底发生了什么
What did they say? What happened?
他自杀是因为那篇论文
He killed himself because of that essay,
严格来讲是你举报了他
and, technically, you reported him so
所以你变相害死了他
that makes you a murderer.
告诉萨沙我今天不来上班
Now, tell Sascha I'm not coming in today.
最近我得避避风头
I'll keep my head down.
-他是印度教♥徒♥吗 -我也不知道
- What was he? A Hindu? - I don't know.
大概吧怎么了
Probably. Why?
自杀在印度教中是不是某种罪孽
Is that bad for Hindus, suicide?
没有没有他们可喜欢了
No, it's great. They love it.
难道不是什么弥天大罪吗
But is it like a mortal sin?
听着要是兰斯打电♥话♥来
Yeah, listen, if Lance calls,
就说你不知道我在哪
you don't know where I am, OK?
-为啥你人在哪 -你不知道
- Why? Where are you? - You don't know!
怎么说
天啊就像"米勒一家"呀
Oh, my God. It's like the Millers.
稍微尽点微薄之力你回来早了
My little contribution, that's all. You're early.
食堂员工收发室人员
Canteen. Mail room.
维修工提前下班了
Maintenance. Cutbacks.
都是你们这种人减少了我们的轮班次数
Your lot reduced our shifts.
单位里都在传是你害死了一个同事
They said in work you killed someone, that he's dead.
你躲这是因为你在畏罪潜逃吗
Are you hiding here cos you're on the run?
不是那样的他是我朋友
Look, OK, it's not quite like that. He was a friend of mine.
其实我算是他死前最后和他聊过天的人
As a matter of fact, I was the very last person he spoke to.
他还是亚洲人你就像是种族杀人魔
And he was Asian. You're like a racist murderer.
亨利她是斯科蒂
Scotty, Henry.
就是我说的那位可以帮你装♥修♥房♥间
She's the one I told you about. She can fix your room.
-我在单位见过你你好 -别杀我
- I've seen you at work. Hello. - Don't murder me.
-放心我不会的 -你进过我卧室了吗
- I won't. Don't worry. - Have you been in my room?
-没有 -我要是你我就进了
- No. - I would, if I were you.
告诉过你了不准打飞机
I told you, no wanking.
-亨利真是太棒了 -我买♥♥了食物
- Oh, that is brilliant, Henry! - I got some stuff.
没想到你这连冰箱也没有
I didn't realise you haven't got a freezer.
只有这种小隔间
You've only got that little compartment.
你最好先吃点吧
So, you'd better eat some of it.
-斯科蒂你也吃点吧 -我吃汉堡吧
- Scotty, do you want to take some? - I'll have the burgers.
杀人犯准备的食物哦天呐这么多酒
Eat the food of a murderer. Oh, my God, look at the booze!
搞清楚租金的事了吗天啊
Did you find out about the rent? Jesus!
你把乐购搬过来了吗
What are we? Asda?
快看这些酒
Look at the booze!
-只是见面礼 -你一年挣多少
- It's just a gesture. - How much are you on a year?
-五万 -我勒个擦
- 50,000? - Fucking hell!
我一小时挣七块迪恩挣六块八
I'm on seven quid an hour. Dean's on 6.80.
而且都是下午三点就下班了
And those are the hours that stop at three
所以别指望这样就能收买♥♥我
so don't expect me to be impressed.
搞清楚租金的事了吗
Did you find out about the rent?
你找到租赁文档了吗
Did you find that document?
-告诉我你邮箱 -我不记得邮箱密♥码♥了
- What's your e-mail? - I'll need the password.
-你有云传吗 -有
- Can you AirDrop? - Yep.
给我
Gimme.
迪恩说你的窗户该修下
Dean said your windows need fixing.
我今天就帮你修好但我六点就得走
I'll board 'em up for tonight but I've got to go at six.
要去皮托上晚班
I work the night shift at Pito's.
你有几份工作
How many jobs have you got?
四份你和自杀那人最后说了些什么
Four. So, how did it end, with the dead man?
他是说"我要准备自杀了"吗
Did he say, "I'm gonna kill myself now"?
不是就说了"明天见"
No, just, "See you tomorrow."
他要是说要自杀我肯定会劝导他啊
If he'd told me, I could've helped.
我肯定还会打电♥话♥报♥警♥
I could have called the police.
他一死了之我却背上了良心债
Now he's gone, I get left with all the guilt.
我就像另一名受害者
I'm like another victim.
接着罗德里克那只能搞到这份合同
There. That's the only document we had off Roderick.
我问他要租金登记簿他直接笑了出来
Oh, I asked him about rent books. He just laughed.
因为我得弄明白这些地♥产♥都是谁的
OK, cos I'm gonna need to know exactly who owns what.
这就只是份规范列表
This is just a list of specs.
我知道你答应我们会搞定的哦
I know, and you promised to sort it out.
这租金低得出奇
Cos this rent is a miracle.
肯定有哪个环节出错了
There's got to be something wrong.
我不在乎会不会蹲监狱
I don't care if we're squatting,
但要他真的在洗钱
but if he's money-laundering,
那我就完全不想和待在这了
I don't want to be anywhere near it.
-但你一个月才付400英镑 -我知道
- You only pay 400 a month, though. - I know.
就这么点怎么可能会用来洗钱
So, how could that be money-laundering? It's such a small amount.
洗钱可不是你想得那回事啊
That's not how money-laundering works, is it?
没错吧
Is it?
那得看你了
That's up to you.
-你说你会查清楚的 -我会的
- You said you'd find out. - OK. I will.
只有这样
We're only letting you stay
-我们才让你住在这里 -我很感激
- on that condition. - I'm delighted.
很好
Good.
我说不准打飞机可不是开玩笑的
When I say no wanking, I mean it.
好的遵命
OK. Got you.