黄瓜（2015）

Cucumber S01E03

Part 1 Sept. 28, 2020, 3:09 p.m.

前情提要
我们想要三人行亨利却跑去报了警
We had a threesome. Henry called the police.
我被逮捕他离家出走
I got arrested, and now he's walked out.
这是我的脸可是有版权的
This face is mine. It's copyright to me.
是不准用来打飞机的
It's not to be used for masturbation
除非我明确表示同意
without my express permission,
而我是不会允许你的
and that permission you do not have.
他们停了你的职立即生效不付薪水
They're suspending you, with immediate effect, without pay.
可她在撒谎
But she's lying.
所以说你还是处♥男♥吗
Does this mean you're a virgin?
我不想谈这个我不谈这个
I'm not talking about it. I am not talking about this.
别跟我提这个好吗
I'm really not talking about it, OK?
我知道这几乎不可能发生
I know it's never gonna happen.
你就瞧好了吧
Watch me try!
什么时候能停止意淫永远都得这样吗
When does it stop? Is it ever going to stop?
黄瓜第三集
都准备好了带我们参观蓬乱宫殿吧
I'm ready. Show me the shag palace.
早上好东西都拿来了吗
Morning. Did you get everything?
车上还有好多他不肯把电脑给你
There's more in the car, but he kept the PC.
他说那不是你的是家用电脑
He said that's not yours, that's the house computer.
简直胡扯哪有什么家用电脑
There's no such thing. What's a house computer?
是我花钱买♥♥的
I paid for it.
别跟我说跟他说啊
Tell him, not me.
对了我把所有DVD都拿来了
Oh, and I brought all the DVDs.
我本来想把你的单独分出来
I started dividing them up,
但兰斯说都拿走吧我就全部打包了
and Lance said just take them so I packed the whole lot.
我的天啊
Oh, my God!
这租金真是低得可怕肯定有什么骗局
Oh, your rent's insane. It must be some sort of scam.
要是我来租就收每周一千块
I could get a thousand quid for this per week.
他是迪恩那位是...弗雷迪
Oh, this is Dean, and, um...that's Freddie.
你好弗雷迪
Oh, hello, Freddie.
迪恩
Dean.
-你好 -我姐姐克莱奥不是克洛伊
- Hiya. - Cleo, my sister. Not Chloe.
虽然大家都叫她克洛伊但其实是克莱奥
Everyone says Chloe, but it's Cleo.
他是我外甥亚当来挥个手
This is Adam, my nephew. Hands off, ha-ha.
她是我外甥女莫莉
And, er...that's Molly. She's my niece,
这小宝宝叫卢
and that's little baby Lou.
是克莱奥的女儿不是莫莉的
She's Cleo's, not Molly's.
莫莉还只有12岁
Molly's only 12. Huh.
虽然你懂的现在这世道
Although, you know, these days...
-我能冲个澡吗 -当然
- Can I have a shower? - Sure.
用我的毛巾吧就挂在把手上
Use my towel. It's on the rail.
那位是雅各布
That's Jacob.
昨晚约到的无脑操到哭
Met him last night. Fucked him stupid.
三年前我做了阴♥道♥紧缩术
Well, three years ago, they built me a new vagina,
所以没什么能吓到我了
so nothing's gonna shock me.
去烧壶水吧弗雷迪
Now put the kettle on, Freddie.
给我倒杯咖啡黑咖啡
I'll have a coffee, black.
亚当要可乐全脂的
Adam's a coke, full fat,
莫莉要杯水不加冰快去吧
and Molly drinks water, no ice. Chop chop!
她还有个弟弟叫索尼
She's got a brother called Sonny.
我也想连他一起领养
I'm trying to adopt him as well,
但他还是和他妈住一块
but he still lives with the mother.
这事可复杂呢
It's all a bit complicated.
但等着吧我肯定能领养过来
But we'll see. We'll get there.
克莱奥也是领养的
Cos Cleo's adopted.
她最年长先被领养回来
She's the eldest. She came first.
好笑的是我爸妈是因为无法生育
It's funny, cos our parents couldn't conceive,
所以才领养了克莱奥
so they adopted Cleo.
一把她接回家我妈就怀上我了
Then, as soon as she arrived, Mum got pregnant with me.
怪事啊不过显然怪事也经常发生
It's weird. Happens a lot, apparently.
亨利的意思是我比较特殊而他只是意外
What Henry means is, I was special but he was just an accident.
克莱奥的意思是我是纯种而她是买♥♥来的
What Cleo means is, I was natural but she was bought in a shop.
你真幸运真该看看我的家庭
You're lucky. You should see my family.
简直就是噩梦
They're a nightmare.
他们把我赶离家门
They chucked me out in the street.
这么做也正常要是我我也赶
Fair do's. I'd chuck you out.
我出柜第一个告诉的就是克莱奥
Cleo was the first person I told.
他告诉我之前我就知道了
Oh, I knew before he did.
差不多在他十二三岁的时候
When he was about 12 or 13,
要是电视里有男人脱掉上衣
if there was a man on telly who took his shirt off,
相信我那时候男人是不会随便脱上衣的
and believe me, men didn't take their shirts off back then,
亨利一下子就安静下来
Henry would go so quiet.
沉默不语就好像他受到了惊吓
And I mean, silent. Like he was terrified.
那男人是谁来着是凯文·班克斯吗
Who was that man? Kevin Banks?
《十字街头》里的凯文·班克斯
Kevin Banks on Crossroads.
我就在想他怎么了
I wonder what happened to him.
英国肥皂剧 196♥4♥-1988年播出
我当时像被吓着了吗
Did I look scared?
是啊
Yeah.
抱歉打扰一下你是亚当·惠特克吗
Sorry. Excuse me, but...are you Adam Whitaker?
被你发现了
Ah! You got me.
给你
Here you go.
抱歉我做过一条承诺
Sorry. I made a pledge.
谁要是认出我就送一枚徽章
Everyone who recognises me gets a badge.
"我遇到了亚当·惠特克"
"I've Met Adam Whitaker."
说实话我这是打算送给女孩子的
I've gotta be honest. It's for the girls,
但毕竟一言既出嘛
really, but rules are rules.
我把它送给我室友格里夫
I'll give it to my mate Griff.
他每周日早上都固定要对你做一件事
He has a regular thing with you, every Sunday morning.
什么意思做什么事
What do you mean? What sort of thing?
对着他打飞机
He wanks over him.
不是对我本人
Not me personally.
是对着我的美拍视频我上传美拍
My Vlog. I'm a Vlogger.
为丹尼奥呐喊吧
Big shout out to Danielle.
她问
She said,
能不能往比尼身上涂满鹅油膏
what if you cover Beanie in goose grease?
广♥告♥商给我们钱也给我们寄一些样品
We get money from ads, and then we've got merchandise.
有腕带 T恤
We've got wristbands, T-shirts,
下周我们能拿到印有我脸的马克杯
and we're getting mugs next week, mugs with my face on,
有我脸的杯
mugs of my mug.
文字游戏 mug既有"杯子"也有"脸"的意思
-我们每个月能挣500块 -真的假的
- So, we make about 500 quid a month. - No way.
500块
500 quid?
有十万多人订阅了我们的视频
Well, we've got over 100,000 subscribers,
三分之二的人在德国
two thirds of them in Germany.
-为啥在德国 -那儿的中年老男人
- Why Germany? - It's a real thing out there
从没见过小鲜肉嫩嫩的英国佬[德语]
with middle-aged men. Eine kleine Britische boy.
所以我们要脱掉上衣因为能赚钱
That's why we take our shirts off. It monetises.
所以有差不多六万德国人对着你撸吗
So, there's like 60,000 Germans tossing off over you?
我是撸棒对象[德语]
Ich bin ein wankfest.
我脱♥光♥光他们就给我钱
I get naked and they send me money.
不觉得有点像卖♥♥淫吗
Isn't that a bit like prostitution?
是啊那你挣多少钱
Yeah. How much do you earn?
都见识过了吧
So, there we go.
就是这几个小屁孩
That's them. The kids.
虽然是套好房♥子但是晚上特别冷
Great flat, though. It gets freezing at night.
好吧
Oh. OK.
抱好了吗
Are we done?
-看在老天分上回家吧 -能不提了吗
- For Christ's sake, go home. - Oh, don't you start.
回家回家回家你这个白♥痴♥
Go home, go home, go home, you stupid little man.
天呐莫莉居然喜欢他莫莉啊
Molly fancies him, for God's sake! Molly.
我需要一千块钱来修地基
Oh, I need that thousand quid for the underpinning.
能给我吗
Can I have it?
当然可以
Sure, yeah.
-我是说能现在给吗 -我到时转给你
- I mean, can I have it now? - OK, I'll transfer it.
能现在转吗现在就要
Well, can you do it now, though? I mean, really now.
我要还账单
I...I've just got some bills.
你要是把我电脑带过来我就能快一倍了
If you'd brought my PC, I'd be twice as fast.
家用电脑我一定夺回来这死骗子
House computer! I'm having that back. The liar.
弗雷迪他知道吗知道你还是个处♥男♥
Does he know? Freddie. Does he know you're still a virgin?
不知道因为我不是
No, because I'm not.