黄瓜（2015）

I read this article once.
我读过一篇文章
It said there's an institute in Switzerland dedicated to sex.
上面讲到瑞士有一个专门研究和性相关的事物
And they published this report.
这机构发表了一份研究
They'd spent ten years studying the male erection,
他们用了十年的时间来研究男性的勃起
and they came up with a scale for measuring hardness.
他们总结出了测量勃起硬度的标准
They said there's four categories of hard-on, from soft to hard.
报告上把勃起硬度从软到硬分了四个级别
Starting with the softest, Number One,
从最软的开始 第一级别
and they called that... tofu.
他们称为 豆腐
Number Two is peeled banana.
第二级别 是剥了皮的香蕉
Number Three... banana.
第三♥级♥别 未剥皮的香蕉
Number Four... cucumber.
第四级别 黄瓜
I hate gay men. Why are we even going?
我恨死基佬了 我们干嘛要去那里
I hate them all!
我恨死他们了
It's all "Hi!" and, "Oh, my God!" and, "Look at you!"
整天叨逼 嘿 天哪 看看你
Yeah, well, don't look at me. Do me a favour, don't!
呵呵 别看我 算我求你们了 别看我
That's why I've got you. I don't even like you particularly.
所以我才找了你 虽然我跟你完全不怎么来电
You're just someone to watch TV with so I don't have to go out.
你就是个陪我看电视好让我不用出门的人罢了
Max is gonna be there. Oh, I hate Max!
Max也要去 天哪 我恨死他了
And Raymond. "It's not Ray, it's Raymond."
还有Raymond 我叫Raymond 不是Ray
"I'd rather you called me Raymond." Yeah, and I'd rather you fucked off.
我更希望你能叫我Raymond 呵呵 我更希望你能给我死远点
And Steve. I hate Steve.
哦 Steve 我也讨厌Steve
I kissed him once, about 15 years ago,
我还亲过他一次呢 15年前
and now he's got this look on his face like he knows me, the bastard.
搞得现在他总是一脸好像很懂我的样子 那混♥蛋♥
OK. That's enough. That's enough now.
行了行了 吐槽够了
Well done.
气都不喘一下厉害
That's just weird.
好奇怪啊
It is, isn't it? Veronica sent me a link for that hotel.
我也这么觉得 Veronica给我发了那个旅馆的链接
She says Madrid's fantastic.
她说马德里美翻了
But it's a city. It's always a city, we've got no choice.
也就一个城市 怎么每次都是去大城市玩 有点新意行么
Maybe I'd like to go to the coast, with a beach, and sea, and sand,
我还想去海边 享受大海 沙滩
- but we can't, can we? - No.
- 但我们去不了啊 不是吗 - 我知道
- Well, then. - I'll go on my own.
- 那不就是了 - 我可以自己去
Send me a postcard.
记得给我寄张明信片
- We should go on a date. - Where did that come from?
- 我们该一起出去约个会的 - 干嘛突然这么说
I don't know. This. You and me.
不知道 就你和我
We should go on a proper date, like in the old days.
我们一起正式地约个会 像以前一样
- Have you been reading a book? - It'd be nice.
- 你最近是看了什么书吗 - 你不觉得这样很棒吗
- We go out for dinner. - OK, leave it, fine.
- 出去吃个饭咯 - 算了 当我没提
Good, I think I will. What did you say it for anyway?
怎么了 不就吃顿饭 不然你干嘛提什么正式约会
- Leave it. - Oh, God, I wanna go home.
- 别说了 - 天哪 我想回家了
They're gonna be all like, "Oh, hiii! Hiii! Hiii!"
他们肯定都是 嗨 嗨 嗨 的
Hiii!
嗨
Oh, my God, I hate this.
天哪 真受不了
I hate you all. Can I go now?
你们怎么还是这德行 我能回去了吗
I've said hello, can I go? What's your name again?
招呼都打完了 我能先闪了吗 你叫什么来着
Oh, you're too slim, you make me sick. Mwah.
哦 你太瘦了 看着你我就烦
And you can just fuck off.
你就滚一边去吧
Hey!
嘿
Cheeky.
小婊砸
Oh, my God, look at you.
天哪 看看你
Hey, hang on, hang on. Right, look at this.
诶 等下等下 瞧好了
I can turn to the right...
我可以往右转
I can turn to the left...
也可以往左转
and if I'm very, very careful...
如果我小心点
I can... get on down.
我好可以跪下来帮你们吹♥箫♥
No, no, no, no, don't, you're gonna snap.
别别别 别折腾了 小心腿又断了
It's OK, they're made out of titanium. Once upon a time, I had buns of steel.
没事 这是钛合金 曾几何时 我还有个钢臀
Now I have titanium hips.
不过现在我都换成翘钛臀了
This new bloke comes to AA and we get talking,
我在戒酒会上碰到了个新来的家伙 跟他聊了两句
turns out that he teaches applied physics at the Metropolitan.
他是个在大城市教书的应用物理老师
Married, he tells me after three hours, so that was a waste of time,
聊了三个小时之后他才跟我说 他结婚了 简直浪费时间
but d'you know what he said, right?
但是你们知道他跟我说了什么吗
He said, "I can tell you what destroyed your hips."
他说 你知道你的屁♥股♥是怎么废的吗
He said, "It's because you're an alcoholic."
他说 因为你是个酒鬼
He says, "Excessive alcohol causes a toxic granulation of the blood,
他说 酒精摄入过量会导致血液里中毒颗粒的出现
so your own blood is grinding away in your joints like sandpaper."
然后你的血液就像砂纸一样磨损你的关节
Three decades of vodka have turned my bones into dust.
喝三十年伏特加就把我的骨头磨成灰了
You drank your hips away?
你把你屁♥股♥喝没了
I drank my hips off.
我把我屁♥股♥喝没了
'Scuse me, sorry, can I take those for you?
打扰了 我能把这些拿走吗
Can I, er, get you anything else?
你们还需要点其他的吗
Not at the moment, thanks. We're pacing ourselves, at our age.
暂时不要 谢谢 像我们这把年纪 还是喝慢点好
Sure.
好
Got him. I knew it, his name's Louis.
找到他了 我就知道 他叫Louis
"Top, but will flip for the right guy, 18-25, no faceless torsos."
攻 遇见真爱可以变受 求18-25岁带有脸照约
Oh, for Christ's sake, we're not even in a gay bar.
天哪 这里不是gay吧好不
The whole world is a gay bar now. Link to Tumblr...
gay吧已经占领全世界了 链接到Tumblr
Oh, yes, indeed. Photo of his cock. Gorgeous.
棒 果然 看到屌♥照了 真漂亮
You're kidding me. What happened to all the build-up?
你逗我呢 难道都不需要先积累下感情吗
Don't you need a bit of mystery?
难道都不需要一点神秘感吗
Oh, fuck mystery, that is brilliant!
哦 去他妈的神秘感 真鸡♥巴♥漂亮
- Look what I found, his cum shot! - No way.
- 看我找到什么了 他的射♥精♥照 - 不可能吧
Turn it round, it's widescreen.
翻过来 这是宽屏的
Hey, hey! Super Soaker!
嘿 嘿 精为天人啊
You should wear goggles.
你应该戴个护罩
- You should wear the goggles! - Oh, my God, I would, I really would!
- 你才应该吧 - 天哪 我想也是 我十分赞同
- Oh, my God, I so would. - D'you hear what he said? He said it to me!
- 我绝对需要 - 你们听到他说什么了吗 他对我说的诶
Really, though, is it just me? Is that not remotely sexy at all?
真的吗 难道只有我认为这一点都不性感吗
I'm officially giving up.
我正式放弃了
As of this moment, the modern world just left me behind.
好像从这一刻起 现代社会已经把我遗弃了
Henry! The world wasn't built by kids. It was us. We did this.
Henry 这世界可不是那些小屁孩撑起来的 是我们
Oh, I miss the '90s.
真怀念90年代
I was happy then.
那时候多开心啊
I once got a fax off Liz Hurley.
有一次我还收到了Liz Hurley的传真
D'you know the worst thing about growing old? Your spunk.
你知道变老最糟糕的一点是什么吗 你的精♥液♥
How it goes sort of yellow, like it's all congealed.
开始变黄 开始结成一团
I used to love it nice and white, but... now it's gone.
原来凝白如脂地多诱人 现在 都没了
- Mine's still white. And him, he's white. - Mine's completely white.
- 我的还是白的啊 还有他 他的也是白的 - 我的绝对是白的
We've both got white.
我们都是白的
It doesn't go yellow. Who the fuck's is yellow?
没变黄啊 谁他妈精♥液♥还是黄色的
- You're kidding? - No, seriously. Completely white.
- 你骗我的吧 - 没 认真的 我的真是白的
- Is it just me? - What sort of yellow? Like felt tip?
- 难道只有我是黄的 - 什么样的黄 像毡尖那种黄么
Does it glow in the dark like those things they wave at concerts?
会像荧光棒一样在晚上发光么
Is that what they wave at concerts?!
难道荧光棒就是用这个做的
It's more like a nicotine colour. Oh, my God, is it just me?!
更像是尼古丁的颜色 天哪 难道真的只有我是这样么
Yes, it's just you.
是的 只有你
- Oh, my God! Have I curdled?! - You mean, it's really yellow?
- 天哪 难道我的精♥液♥凝固了吗 - 它真是黄色的
Your spunk is yellow?!
你的精♥液♥是黄色的
How are things with you two?
你们小两口怎么样了
Good.
挺好
Same as ever.
老样子呗
How long's it been now? What, ten years?
多久了 十年
Nine years in August.
到八月就九年了
What happened to that bloke at work? The Spanish one.
和你一起干活的那个小伙怎么样了 就是那西班牙小伙
Gone. Moved away.
他 早搬走了
We never...
我们从来没
We just had lunch together, once a month.
我们以前也就一个月出去吃一次饭
Never even kissed.
亲都没亲过
You always did that. Never had affairs, just obsessions.
你总是这样 从来不出轨 只是迷恋暧昧
- Where are we going? - I don't know...
- 我们去哪 - 不知道
Did I ever tell you about that bloke from Carlisle?
我有跟你说过那个卡莱尔来小伙的事吗
Oh, he must've been... 35, 36.
他肯定有35 36岁了
Couldn't get his number, I didn't have a phone, I was 14.
没要到他的电♥话♥ 那时候我才14岁 手♥机♥都没有
All I knew was, he lived in Carlisle.
只知道他住在卡莱尔
So one day I went to Carlisle.
然后有一天我就跑去卡莱尔了
All on my own, bought a ticket, 12 quid. Got on the bus, three hours, got off.
一个人 买♥♥了张12磅的车票就上车了 坐了三个小时下车
Walked around Carlisle all day, sat on a bench in a park
自己一个人在卡莱尔走了一天
in the middle of the city, just in case I bumped into him.
在市中心的公园坐着 想着要是能在这里遇见他呢
Didn't.
但我还是没见到他
Got on the bus, three hours back home.
又坐三个小时巴士回家