真实故事改编（2023）

半价的鸡尾酒 你怎么说？
Half-price cocktails. What do you say?
啊 我们很好 谢谢
Ah, we're good, thanks.
我只是在中间的一个教训 现在
I'm just in the middle of a lesson right now.
怎么了 兄弟？嘿
What's up, brother? Hey.
教练 我可以帮你一下吗？
Coach, can I get you for a second?
失陪一下 嗯 好的
Excuse me a second. Yeah, fine.
怎么了？
What's up?
嘿
Hey.
我只是想说 呃
I just wanted to say, uh,
我与发生的事情无关
I had nothing to do with what went down.
好吧 我没有问你的位置
Okay, I didn't ask for your position.
他们只是 像 给了我 是的
They just, like, gave it to me. Yeah.
我对此感到非常抱歉
And I feel really bad about it
因为我一直是你的超级粉丝
because I have been a huge fan of yours.
很长一段时间 在我还是个小孩子的时候 就开始了
A long time, coming up, when I was a little kid,
你知道吗？是的 这很好
you know? Yeah, it's fine.
我有Riviera追着我 Mulholland追着我
I got Riviera chasing me, Mulholland chasing me.
哦 那很好 他妈的是的
Oh, that's great. Fuck yeah.
是的 这很好 好的 很酷
Yeah, it's great. Okay, cool.
你知道吗？
And you know what?
如果这不为你泛出
If that doesn't pan out for you,
我实际上已经和俱乐部谈过了
I've actually been talking to the club
关于保留你在这里作为荣誉教练
about keeping you on here as coach emeritus.
名誉教练？
Coach emeritus?
这是拉丁语
It's Latin.
它的意思是 像 一个受人尊敬的长者
It means, like, a respected elder.
真的吗？这就是它的意思吗？
Really? Is that what it means?
是的
Yeah.
我想这可能是一个好办法
I thought it might be a nice way
踢一些现金你的方式和 -
to just kick some cash your way and--
我不需要你♥他♥妈♥的现金
I don't need your fucking cash.
好吧
Okay.
我听你的 大家伙 嗯...
I hear you, big guy. Um...
好吧 还有什么事吗？
All right. Anything else?
回头见 这一切都很好
I'll see you around. It's all good.
干杯！爱你们
Cheers! Love you guys.
我希望我喝的是这个 而不是这个狗屎
I wish I was drinking that instead of this shit.
那么 你是否已经到了
So have you gotten to the part
他换头的那部分？
where he swaps the head?
哒 哒 哒 没有破坏者 没有破坏者
Da, da, da, no spoilers, no spoilers.
这不是一个破坏者
That's not a spoiler.
它是一个破坏者 因为你说了 "他"
It is a spoiler 'cause you said "he."
所以现在我知道凶手是个男人
So now I know the killer is a he.
嗯 当然 凶手是他
Well, of course, the killer is he.
这不是一个她 女人不会换头
It's not a she. Women do not swap heads.
这不是什么... 回头见
That is not something that... See you guys later.
我们会做的 哦 好的
We would do. Oh, okay.
嘿 托里 托里
Hey. Tori, Tori.
好的 你好 有人有约会吗？
Okay, hello. Does someone have a date?
不 没有人去约会 这就像一个Tinder的性♥交♥狂欢
No, nobody goes on a date. It's like a Tinder fuck fest.
这倒是真的 不 别这么说
That's true. No, don't say that.
听着 我有个朋友去参加Tinder的约会
Listen, I had a friend go on a Tinder date.
一切都很顺利
Everything was going great.
他们看了《恋恋笔记本》 直到他把她绑起来
They watched "The Notebook" until he tied her up
并在她嘴里拉屎 这是双方自愿的吗？
and pooped in her mouth. Was it consensual?
那太疯狂了 不 你是对的
That's crazy. No, you're right.
我应该呆在这里 喝醉了
I should just stay here and get drunk
谈论被砍掉的脑袋
and talk about heads being cut off.
好吧 不过你对这个人了解多少？
Okay, what do you even know about this guy, though?
说真的 你难道不想见见某人吗？
Seriously, don't you wanna meet someone,
比如说 负责任的 还有... ...
like, responsible and--and--
不 不 我更喜欢操蛋的人
No, no, I prefer the fuck-ups.
他们更有趣 还有一件事
They're way more fun. One more thing.
我应该使用保护措施 还是他应该直接退出？
Should I use protection, or should he just pull out?
你知道 如果我最终上了 "日期线"
You know, if I end up on "Dateline,"
我可以给你们这些怪人留下大量的DNA痕迹
I can leave a massive DNA trail for you weirdos.
是的！得到那个DNA！
Yes! Get that DNA!
老实说 越多越好
The more, the better, honestly.
保存它 把它带回家
Save it, bring it home.
你总是想得很远 我喜欢这样
You're always thinking ahead. I like that.
好了 你们不要太疯狂了
All right, you guys don't get too crazy.
好吧 为我们做吧 女孩 辉煌
Okay, do it for us, girl. Brilliant.
要年轻 要性感 要年轻
To be young and hot and young.
她是对的 你们这些家伙
She's right, you guys.
看看我们 总是坐在那里
Look at us, always sitting around,
喝着酒 谈论着邪恶的谋杀案
drinking wine, talking about vicious murders.
就像 我们有什么毛病？
Like, what is wrong with us?
所以在他换了头之后？
So after he swapped the heads?
是的 对
Yes. Right.
噢！ 噢 该死
Oh! Oh, shit.
你♥他♥妈♥的是在跟我开玩笑吗？
Are you fucking kidding me?
为什么你♥他♥妈♥的对飞镖这么在行？
Why are you so fucking good at darts?
哦 伙计 你知道 我花了很多龙舌兰酒的时间在这里
Oh, man, you know, I spent a lot of tequila time here
当我的婚姻陷入困境的时候
when my marriage was going under.
啊 他妈的 我让自己倒霉了
Ah, fuck. I jinxed myself.
你们没能成功？
You guys didn't make it?
你知道吗？我们努力了
You know what? We tried.
我的意思是 我们去治疗 去斐济
I mean, we went to therapy, went to Fiji.
生了个孩子
Had a baby.
你有一个孩子来拯救你的婚姻？
You had a baby to save your marriage?
糟糕
Shit.
你是最不应该和我在一起的人
You're the last guy I should be hanging out with.
哦 不 伙计 我的意思是 你知道 对不起 这只是 -
Oh, no, dude, I mean, you know, sorry, it's just--
我只是说实话
I'm just being real.
人们在糟糕的婚姻中会做疯狂的事
People do crazy shit in a bad marriage.
教训是 我应该让它消失
The lesson is, I should have just let it die.
我完全可以和一个在监狱里的人约会
I would totally date a guy in prison.
不 你不会的 我愿意
No, you would not. I would.
解释一下 解释一下
Explain, explain.
比如 他们看到你总是很兴奋
Like, they're always excited to see you.
你总是知道他们在哪里
You always know where they are.
嗯 哦 是的
Mm. Oh, yes.
他们不能在Insta上查看他们的前任
They can't check out their exes on Insta.
嗯 没有湿点
Mm. No wet spot.
哦 那一个 是的
Ooh, that one, yep.
好吧 当你这样说的时候
Okay, when you put it like this,
它实际上听起来有点完美
it actually sounds kind of perfect.
我知道
I know.
我不知道 我觉得事务
I don't know, I feel like affairs
是 像 一个很大的工作
are, like, a lot of work.
比如 你得删除短♥信♥
Like, you gotta delete texts.
你得摆脱你的手♥机♥
You've gotta get rid of your phone,
你的笔记本电脑 导致他们的证据
your laptop, the evidence that leads to them.
哇 哇 哇
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
好吧 好吧 所以听起来像是有人--你--
Okay, okay, so it sounds like someone--you--
已经花了很多心思在这上面了
has put a lot of thought into that.
不 我没有 你在搞什么？
No, I haven't. What are you up to?
我在搞外遇
I'm having an affair.
对不起 什么？
I'm sorry, what? You called it.
你说的 大概有六个月了
For, like, six months now.
哦 我的上帝 西蒙知道吗？嗯 这就是问题所在
Oh, my God, does Simon know? Well, that's the thing.
他也有一个 和瓦尔
He's having one, too, with Val.
你的比基尼打蜡师？是的
Your bikini waxer? Yeah.
好吧 你和西蒙 比如 谈论它？
Okay, do you and Simon, like, talk about it?
不 我们不谈论它 恶
No, we don't talk about it. Ew.
这很奇怪 我们不是他妈的怪人
That's weird. We're not fucking weirdos.
不 我们只是有安静 绝望的事务
No, we just have quiet, desperate affairs,
对 像普通人一样
right, like normal people.
好吧 但是 贝贝 这是不正常的
Okay, but, babe, that is not normal.
就像 对吧 伙计们？我的意思是...
Like, right, guys? I mean...