优步危机

康普墩
Compton!
好了 别在附近大喊大叫了
Okay, stop just yelling neighborhoods.
这不是优步的工作方式 好吗
That's not how Uber works, okay?
你也太能生气了
You're quick to anger.
没成功
Oh, didn't quite make it.
来吧
Oh, come on.
我停车了
And I'm parked.
走吧
Let's go.
嘿
Hey.
-怎么了 -跟上
- Yes? - Come on.
我不想你丢下我
I don't want you driving off on me.
不 我今天都筋疲力尽了
Nah. I'm all sizzled out for the day.
虽然还是感谢你的邀请
Thanks for the invite, though.
出发
Let's go.
我不去那里
I'm not going in there.
男妓店的健康等级为B
The Sizzle Room's health grade is a B.
我很确定它代表乙型肝炎
Which I'm pretty sure stands for Hepatitis B.
听着 我知道
Look, I know you think you have more
你觉得还有其他更重要的东西去做
important things to do right now.
-我是有 -你没有
- I do. - You don't.
如果现在我付给你钱
Now I paid for a driver...
等会我会看见优步上出现
and I'm getting a fucking driver...
一个星级很低的司机
with little gold stars.
来吧
Come on.
这里闻起来一股蛋蛋的味道
It smells like balls in here.
想知道为什么
Wonder why.
这里是吧台
This is the bar.
我找安珀·缇提
Hey. Looking for Amber Titties.
是叫缇提亚 这是法语
It's pronounced Tittyais. It's French.
她在后面
She's in the back.
走吧
Come on. Let's go.
不 我尊重舞者的隐私
Uh, no, I'll respect the dancers' privacy.
怎么了 你没见过光着身子的女人吗
What's wrong? You've never seen a naked woman before?
跟着
Come on.
醉鬼刚给了我一块钱
Drunk bastard just gave me a dollar.
酷
Cool.
那是索尔
And that was Thor!
这里怎么有这么多保安
A lot of security back here.
我要去看看 留在原地
I'm gonna check it out. Stay put.
好的 明天下午3点
So, yes, I'll have them see the house
我会带他们去看♥房♥♥子
tomorrow at 3:00 p.M.
很棒 那是什么 鸡肉沙拉吗
That looks good. What is that? Chicken salad?
-你要吃一口吗 -不用了 甜心
- Mm-hmm. You want a bite? - No thank you, sweetie.
但问题是
But here's the thing though,
你真的觉得你应该吃这些吗
you really think you should be eating that?
我很饿
Well, I mean, I am hungry.
在上台前四个小时 只能喝水
Water only...
对不对 伙计们
four hours before stage! Ain't that right, fellas?
是的 女士 这是他们的规矩
Yeah. Yes, ma'am. Them's the rules.
连燕麦棒都没有吗
Not even, like, a granola bar?
-那个很健康吗 -你♥他♥妈♥是谁
- Is that healthy? - Who the fuck are you?
不 实际上 我是说碳水化合物
Oh, no, actually, I just mean carbs...
被妖魔化了 这不公平 不
are unfairly demonized. No.
如果那是他的样子
If that's how he's lookin',
我不会改变他的做法
I wouldn't change what he's cookin'.
-没事 -没事吗
- It's fine. - Oh, it's fine?
你觉得人们来这里是想看
So you think people come in here to see
一坨屎在他的奶♥子♥上乱蹦
a fat piece of shit floppin' his tits around?
我没有奶♥子♥
I don't have tits!
没有人想看到一个大鸡♥巴♥挂在一袋垃圾上
Nobody wants to see a big dick hanging off a bag of garbage.
可能挂不住 对不起 不是一个双关语
Shouldn't have weighed in. I'm sorry. Not a pun.
不不不 请继续用你
Oh, no, no. Please continue to
大男子主义的小脑袋指导我怎么做
mansplain to me what I'm supposed to be doing.
因为作为一个女人 我没有想法
'Cause, you know, as a woman, I have no fucking idea!
你做你的事
You do your thing.
我自己去死
I'll go fuck myself.
非常感谢你允许我这么做
Thank you so much for giving me permission.
你还在吃这个吗
Are you still eating that?
-缇提女士 -是缇提亚
- Ms. Titties? - Tittyais.
谁他妈在问 我们不招人 亲爱的
Who the fuck's asking? We not hiring, honey.
洛杉矶警♥察♥
Lapd.
和你说两句
Need to talk to you for a second.
-对不起 -不不不 是我的错
- I'm so sorry. - No, no, no. It's my fault.
你的胸一点都不娘
You don't have man boobs.
她就是刀子嘴豆腐心
Her bark is way more vicious than her bite.
不是真的 她伤害了我 真的很伤人
That's not true. She bit me. It really hurt.
你能给我搭把手吗
Hey, can you give me a hand with something?
你的自尊吗
Your self-esteem?
她在八月又涨了十二分
She was up by twelve points in August.
我全心投入了
I was all in.
见鬼
Oh, man.
三朵红玫瑰
Three red roses?
妹妹很饥渴啊
Girl is thirsty.
他是个好人
He was a good man.
是忠实客户 也是朋友
A loyal customer. A friend.
所以你们是那种朋友吗
So were you two close, close?
里昂是个很难搞的人
Leon was a complicated man.
他喜欢我从后面帮他口♥交♥
He liked blowjobs from the back.
很难的体♥位♥
That's tough.
真古怪
Weird.
我从大学就喜欢上她了 真的
I just love her, man. I do. Since college.
-她知道吗 -不知道
- Does she know? - No.
说起来 一年半之前
You know, we had sex once...
我们还做过一次
like a year and-a-half ago.
当时她刚分手很难过
She was going through a breakup.
我去了她家 陪她一起喝醉了
I'm over at her house, and we're getting drunk...
然后我们看了《当哈利遇见萨利》
we're watching When Harry Met Sally...
自然而然地
and then one thing lead to another...
她的哈利就遇见了我的萨利 爽歪了
and then her Harry met my Sally and it was great.
但是之后她像什么也没发生过一样
But then she acted like nothing happened.
然后我也像什么也没发生过一样
So then I acted like nothing happened,
然后就什么也没发生了
and so then nothing happened.
好了你看
All right. Look.
你得告诉她你怎么想的
You need to tell her how you feel.
不讲实话的关系都不长久
A relationship cannot thrive without honesty.
这也是为什么安珀
That's why Amber calls me out
骂我是一大坨狗屎的原因
for being a fat piece of dogshit.
这已经是辱骂了 性质都不一样了
That's abuse. That's a different thing.
不 这是爱 这是虐爱
No, it's love. Tough love.
我这还赶着趟呢
Look, we about to get a rush.
你这长得像弗雷迪莫库里的肥佬
What's your fat Freddie Mercury-looking-ass
弗雷迪莫库里 已故皇后乐队主唱
到底要跟我说什么
got for me?
好吧
All right.
不跟你废话了
Let's cut the shit.
特乔
Tedjo.
里昂跟你提过他吗
Leon ever mentioned that name to you?
讲了有关一堆货物的什么吗
Say anything about a big shipment?
好好回忆回忆 缇提亚女士
Think real hard, Ms. Tittyais.
这也是为什么我撤了对安珀的指控
That's why I dropped all the charges against Amber.
等等 那是她的铃♥声♥
Wait, wait, that's her ringtone.
贝卡的铃♥声♥
That's Becca's ringtone.
我要一块好的背景
I need a good background.
让她看不出我在哪的背景
What's a good, neutral background?
-嘿 -你好呀 猜猜看谁刚刚
- Hey! - Hello. Guess who just wrote
在拜伦的脸书主页写了十四段
roughly fourteen paragraphs on Byron's Facebook page...
骂他是臭傻♥逼♥的垃圾话
about what a worthless sleazebag he is.
到了复仇阶段了
Ah, yes. The revenge phase.
我才喝了三杯蜂蜜酒而已
Three glasses of Savah-Bee will do that to a girl.
是啊 你都喝醉了
Yep, you are drunk.
不过喝酒确实有用