老爹们（2023）

来为学校募资
to raise money for the school.
(蚱蜢班艺术展)
这可不是利用童工哦 是做好事 我说得对吗?
It's not child labor if it's for a good cause. Am I right?
现在来看看这个L博士的计数表
All right. Now, if we look at the Doctor L-O-Meter,
我们正一步步迈向 我们的三万美金的目标
we are inching towards our goal of $30,000,
所以下面我们将进行现场拍卖♥♥
which brings us to the live auction.
下一件拍卖♥♥品非常的特别
The next item we have up for bids is something very special.
我知道你们在想什么
I know what you're thinking to yourself.
你们在想 “杰克 什么东西能胜过阿黛尔演唱会
You're thinking, "Jack, how the heck are you gonna top two floor seats
两张论♥坛♥体育馆楼下座的门票?”
to see Adele at The Forum?"
女士们先生们 你们最好先拿好手上的牌子
Well, ladies and gentlemen, you better have those paddles in your hands
因为我马上就要宣布了
'cause I'ma tell you something.
我们要拍卖♥♥的是...做好准备
We are about ready to bid... Get ready for this.
我们要拍卖♥♥的是完整不间断的两小时
We're about ready to bid on two hours of uninterrupted,
与独一无二的 路易·史密克尔·特纳博士
one-on-one time with the one and only
面对面交流的机会!
Doctor Lois Shmieckel-Turner!
是的 她就在那里!
Yes, there she is!
花两个小时来获取一生的教育经验
Two hours to glean an entire lifetime of parental knowledge
来自南加州顶级教育专家之一
from one of Southern California's leading educators.
太疯狂了 他们告诉我起价是一千五
Now, this is crazy to me. They told me to start this bidding at $1,500.
但我不知道怎么了
But I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is.
老杰克今晚有点上头
Old Jackie boy is feeling a little bit crazy tonight.
既然我在这个 “无主题”主题派对玩得这么开心
I don't know, but since I'm having so much fun at this "no theme" theme event
那么我得发一点小疯了
that I'm gonna get a little crazy here, people.
我的起价不是一千五
I'm not starting the biddin' off at $1,500.
而是两千美金!
I'm gonna start it off at $2,000, huh?!
没错!谁要跟我一起玩呢?
Yeah! So, who's gonna have fun with me, huh? All right.
我听到两千一了吗? 谁出了两千一?在那边
Do I hear $2,100? Who's got 21? I got $2,100 right there.
两千一 有两千二吗?是谁?
$2,100. Do I hear 22? 22! Who's got 22?
布莱恩·多德森！胖胖布莱恩 不是取笑你哦 你看起来很棒
Brian Dodson! Big Brian. Not body-shaming. You look fantastic.
天啊!女士们看看这位男士 我知道他已婚了 但你懂的
My God! Ladies, look at this guy. I know he's married, but you know,
稍稍打量一眼无伤大雅
little side glance won't hurt you.
我听见两千三了吗?谁出了两千三?
Do I hear 23? Who's got 23?
乔安娜·威尔克森 她需要一个能当私人助理的保姆
Joanna Wilkerson, who needs a nanny who's also a personal assistant,
如果你们有推荐的话
if you can help out.
好了 两千四 我需要两千四 谁出两千四?
All right, 24. I need 24. Who's got 24? 24?
布莱恩·多德森!又是我们的布莱恩
Brian Dodson! Back to Big Brian.
我的天!今晚很激烈啊
Oh my God! We've got a dogfight going on here.
但我最喜欢激烈
And I'm jumping right in the middle of it.
我不叫两千五 我不叫两千六 两千七 两千八
I'm not going $2,500. I'm not going 26, 27, 28.
我要坐电梯直达顶楼
I'm taking the elevator up to the penthouse.
我要叫三千!
I'm going $3,000!
耶!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
三千美元宝贝们!谁要加入?
$3,000, baby! Who's coming with me?
谁要出三千二?让我听见三千二
Who's going $3,200? Let me hear $3,200. 32.
三千二 很棒的数字 OJ·辛普森 白人吓死了
Thirty-two. Great number. OJ Simpson. OJ Simpson scaring the white people.
好的 马库斯·艾伦 谁出三千二?来吧
All right. Marcus Allen. Who's going $3,200? Come on.
好吧 老杰克有点太疯狂了 那么三千一如何?
All right. Old Jack, you got a little too crazy. How about $3,100?
三千一 谁出三千一?
$3,100. Who's got $3,100, huh?
三千一?
$3,100?
拜托各位 我看停车场上可是停满了特斯拉哦
All right. Come on, people. I saw a lot of Teslas in the parking lot.
因为你的车很安静 不代表你也不能出声
Just 'cause your car's quiet doesn't mean you have to be.
3100美金
$3,100.
真的吗? 你们想看我用三千把它带走吗?
Really? You're gonna let me walk with this for $3,000?
因为我就告诉你了 我会的
'Cause I'll tell you right now. I'll take it. I will take it.
三千?三千一次 三千两次
$3,000? $3,000 going once. $3,000 going twice.
三千?最后一次
$3,000? Final time!
成交给杰克·凯利!
Sold to Jack Kelly!
我真想杀了我自己
I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
嘿! 老杰克!
耶!杰克·凯利!
Yeah! Jack Kelly!
这一阶段的拍卖♥♥到此结束
All right. That concludes this portion of the auction.
我们还剩下一些拍品
We only have a few more items left to bid.
拿好你们的牌子 我们还有目标要实现
Please hold onto those paddles. We're gonna get to our goal, all right?
玩得开心 继续喝
Have a good time. Keep drinking those drinks.
我一会回来拍最后几样东西
I'll be back in a few moments for the last few items.
玩得开心
All right. Enjoy yourselves.
杰克
Jack.
感谢你慷慨的捐赠
I must thank you for your generous donation.
坦白说 我也很惊讶 你愿意花两小时跟我待在一起
And I'm also quite frankly surprised you'd want to spend two hours with me.
是啊 我想我这人就是充满了惊喜
Yeah. Well, I guess I'm full of surprises, huh?
是的 你是的
Yes. Yes, you are,
而且我听说你丢了工作和你的公♥司♥
considering I heard that you lost your job and your company.
要渡过这个难关 你和你的家人还好吗?
How are you and your family handling this setback?
挺好
Just fine.
因为我们有很多阅读资源可以帮到你
Because we have tons of literature that will help you
帮你渡过 我相信是非常艰难的一段时间
through what I know must be a very trying time.
嘿 听着 L博士
Hey, listen, Doctor L,
你就别假惺惺了好吗?别装了
you can drop the act, okay? Just drop the act.
你拿到我的钱了
All right, you got my money.
所以我想我的孩子 可以有一个很好的推荐书
So now I guess my kid gets a good recommendation,
一切都好了
and everything's fine.
杰克 我希望你不是在影射 你的财务支持
Jack, I hope you aren't insinuating that your financial commitment
可以给你孩子买♥♥一个推荐
is going to buy your child a recommendation.
我绝不会那样做的 不会
Oh, I would never do that. No.
杰克 你现在这样 我不会怪你
You know, Jack, I don't fault you for the way you are.
你只是被你这一辈子的特权 蒙蔽了双眼
You're just blinded by a lifetime of privilege.
如果我有特权 我没必要花两个小时
If I was privileged, I don't think I'd have to spend two hours
假装我愿意和你说话了
pretending I wanted to talk to you, now would I?
你说什么?
Excuse me?
你听见了
You heard me.
我想是的 - 很好
I guess I did. - Good.
我会在给奈特写推荐书时 把这点考虑进去的
I will take that into consideration when I write up Nate's recommendation.
我信你会的 你就是这么运作的吗?
Oh, I bet you will. I bet you will, huh? That's how you operate?
就因为你跟我有狗屁矛盾 就毁掉一个无辜的孩子?
Fuck over an innocent child 'cause you have petty bullshit with me?
你们已经开始聊天了 我希望...
Hey. You two already started talking.
我希望这不算在我们的两个小时里
I hope that doesn't count against our two hours.
你好 凯利太太
Hello, Mrs. Kelly.
晚安 杰克
Good night, Jack.
你跟她说了什么?
What did you say to her?
我什么都没做 她走过来 然后往我伤口上撒盐 莉亚
I didn't do anything. She came over here. She started twisting the knife, Leah.
你对她说了什么?
What did you say to her?
你说呢 我说了什么?
Of course. Of course. What did I say?
杰克又说了什么? 你能不能有一次替我想想 莉亚?
What did Jack say? Can you ever be in my corner, Leah, huh?
我刚用掉了 我们压根就没有的三千块去花两小时
I just dropped three grand that we don't have
跟那个该死的自大狂相处
to spend two hours with that fucking egomaniac.
然后你过来又是那句 “杰克说了什么?”
And you come over with, "What did Jack say?"
我只是说了在场所有人想了很久
You know what I said? I said what everybody is already thinking
但没胆量说的话
but doesn't have the fucking balls to say.
很好 你要哭了是吗?
Oh, great. Great. Now you're gonna cry, right?
非常好
Yeah. Great.
你是个混♥蛋♥
You're an asshole.
我是混♥蛋♥?那我为什么要做这些?
Oh, I'm an asshole? Then why did I do all of this, huh?
你生气了是吗?为了什么? 就因为我很诚实吗?
What, you're mad? What? What, Leah? 'Cause I'm honest? Huh?
哈 莉亚?
Huh, Leah?
你们他妈的看什么看?
What the fuck are you guys looking at, huh?
是啊 我可以像你们一样
Yeah, I could be like you guys.
假装在乎 你们一点也不在乎
Pretending to care. You guys don't care.
你们只想着别给自己惹麻烦
All you're trying to do is not get in trouble.
这就是你们这一代的问题
That's what the fuck is wrong with your whole generation.
好的 婴儿潮一代
Okay, boomer.
是X世代!
Generation X!
懒散鬼
Slacker.
给你
Here you go.
哦 老天啊!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
莉亚
Leah.
莉亚
Leah.
莉亚 开门
Leah, open the door.
莉亚
Leah.
莉亚 快开门
Leah, come on. Open the door.
我知道你听得见
I know you can hear me.