老爹们（2023）

像47岁
Forty-seven.
操♥你♥妈♥!
Man, fuck you!
看见那边那家伙了吗? 那才是49岁的样子
See that guy over there? That's a 49-year-old man.
我跟你说
Let me tell you something.
你绝对想不到 我像你那么大的时候有多厉害
You have no idea how awesome I was at your age.
我同时和两个小妞交往
I was dating two chicks at the same time,
她们都叫艾米 而且互相认识
both of them named Amy, and they knew about each other.
她们一点不介意 快乐地一起共享我
And they loved it. Happy to share me.
以前我随时都可以 跟我的哥儿们出来玩
I used to hang out with my boys whenever I wanted, man.
想吃什么吃什么 喝一整天的啤酒
I could eat whatever I wanted, crush Rolling Rocks all day,
睡觉睡到我彻底恢复精力了为止
slept until I wasn't tired anymore.
有一次在机场 胡利奥·伊格莱西亚斯走过来
One time, Julio Iglesias came up to me in an airport,
非常确定我就是他儿子安立奎
dead certain I was his son, Enrique.
我就是散发出那种光环 兄弟!
The fucking kind of vibe I was putting out, bro!
很自然 毫不费力
And it was effortless. It was fucking effortless.
真可笑
That's ridiculous.
我以前是挺可笑的
I was ridiculous.
砸钱吧 伙计们 来吧
Throw those dollars, guys. Come on.
我是大家伙迈克!我真爱这一刻!
♪ Uh, I'm Hella Mike! That's what I like! ♪
♪ I'm Hella Mike! That's what I like, uh ♪
我不知道
I don't know.
我这辈子遇到太多事了
I have faced a lot of stuff in my life.
失去我的家庭这事 比我遇到的任何事情都要可怕
The fear of losing my family is worse than anything I've ever faced before.
我的脑子里一直上演可能发生的场景
My brain just keeps playing out this scenario about what could happen.
每两周的周末见一次我的孩子
You know, seeing my kid every other weekend.
我老婆会嫁给一个整形医生之类的
My wife's gonna be married to some fucking orthopedist.
充满理性的混♥蛋♥
Levelheaded cocksucker.
我搞不懂 也许莉亚是对的
Yeah, I don't know. Maybe Leah's right.
也许我真的不适合
Maybe I'm not cut out for this shit.
虽然说我很享受做父亲的感觉
I mean, I love being a dad and everything.
天啊 是她 别出声!
Holy shit, that's her. Shut the fuck up!
莉亚!听着 我要为我所做的一切道歉
Leah, hey, hi! Listen, I am so sorry for everything that I said.
什么?
What?
等一下 你是谁?
Wait, who is this?
迈克!布兰妮来电♥话♥了
Mike! Mike! Mike! Britney called.
莉亚要生了
Leah's in labor.
谢天谢地!你可吓死我了
Thank God! Man, you scared the shit out of me.
恭喜你!
Congratulations! - Thank you.
女士们 我兄弟杰克又要当爸爸了
Ladies, my man Jack here is about to become a father again.
那真是太好了! - 谢谢
That's so amazing! - Oh, thank you.
你会是个非常棒的爸爸
You're gonna be such a great dad.
多谢了
I appreciate that.
我真为你感到高兴 兄弟 - 谢谢你 伙计
I'm so happy for you, man. - Oh, thanks, buddy.
她提早了几周 所以我还挺担心的
She's a couple of weeks early, so I'm freaking out.
我们快走吧 - 你去吧
Let's get the fuck out of here. - You go ahead. I'm good.
不用管我 - 你♥他♥妈♥的在说什么?
The fuck are you talking about?
我不回去
I'm not going back.
我现在是大家伙迈克!
This is me now. Hella Mike!
大家伙迈克?是什么鬼?
Whoo! - Hella Mike? Who the fuck is Hella Mike?
大家伙迈克?我看你是喝大了
Hella Mike? Mike, you're hella hammered.
迈克 家里有事情等着你处理 我相信你能够也愿意去处理好
Mike, there's a situation back home that you can and will deal with
因为你是个顶天立地的男人
because you're a fucking man.
你是个顶天立地的男人
Look at me. You're a fucking man.
迈克 拜托
Mike, come on.
你说得很对 杰克
You're absolutely right, Jack.
我爱你 兄弟
I love you, man.
我也爱你 兄弟
I love you too, man.
嘿 伙计 这是你五分钟里 第三杯鸡尾酒了 你还好吗?
Hey, man. Uh, that's your third gimlet in, like, five minutes. Are you okay?
“嘿 伙计”我跟你说
"Hey, man." Let me tell you something.
不要去计算别的男人喝了多少酒
Don't ever count another man's drinks.
还有
And one more thing.
不要结婚
Don't ever get fucking married.
康纳?
Connor?
康纳 搞什么?你没事吧?
Connor, what the fuck? Are you okay?
我该怎么办?搞什么啊?我靠!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do I do? What the fuck? Oh fuck!
糟了!
Shit!
嘿!我告诉过你别搞事! - 等一下!
Hey! I told you to fucking relax! - Wait!
坏了! - 搞什么啊?
Oh shit! - What the fuck, man?
他噎住了!
He's choking! He's choking!
啊 该死!
Oh shit! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
冷静! - 我们一起的
Relax! Relax! - He's with us.
该死!
Shit!
我不认识他们!
I'm not with them! I'm not with them!
哇!芭芭拉!
Whoa! Barbara!
我老婆要生了!
My wife is in labor!
放开我!
Get off!
嘿 恭喜你当爸爸了 - 你♥他♥妈♥要去哪里?
Hey, congrats on becoming a father. - Where the fuck are you going?
女士们还在跳着
Ladies are still dancing.
康纳!
Connor!
小小插曲 不要在意
Don't mind that skirmish.
我跟他们不是一伙的! 告诉他们我们不是一起的!
I'm not with them! I'm not with them! Tell them I'm not with you guys!
你还好吗 伙计?
You okay, buddy?
你还好吗 伙计? - 我来了!
You all right, buddy? - I'm back!
康纳!该死!
Connor! Oh shit!
嘿!
Hey! Hey!
是的 没错!抖音直播 混♥蛋♥!
Yeah, that's right! TikTok LIVE, motherfuckers!
记录下你们过度使用武力 来对付这些手无寸铁的可怜老父亲
Documenting your use of excessive force on these poor, defenseless dads.
拿下他的手♥机♥!
Get that fucking camera!
朋友们 快跑!
Guys, guys, run! Run!
操!该死的!老天啊! 我就是个无辜的旁观者!
Fuck! Shit! Oh God! I am an innocent bystander here!
我们得走了 迈克!
We gotta go, Mike!
求你了 放我走! 别碰我!我要尿尿!
Oh no! Please let me go! Don't touch me! I gotta pee!
二号♥舞台的是阿♥拉♥贝拉
That's Arabella on stage two.
伙计们 我醉得太厉害了 你们谁能开车?
Guys, I'm too hammered. Can either one of you drive?
该死
Oh fuck.
好了 - 你们当中最好有人叫康纳!
All right. - One of you guys better be Connor!
你是里奇? - 你怎么知道我的名字?
You Richie? - How'd you know my name?
哦 上面有写 - 你跟照片不一样啊
Oh, they say it on the phone. - The picture's different.
先生 你介意我们 把这些高尔夫球杆移走吗?
Do you mind if we move those golf clubs out of the back seat?
是的 我介意
Yeah, I mind.
为什么?
Why?
因为那是 一整套的李·特维诺 木质杆头
Because they're a full set of Lee Trevino. Wooden heads.
所以你们给我闭上嘴 在前排坐好
So you're gonna shut the fuck up, sit up here in the front seat,
别跟个基佬一样
and stop being such a fucking Mary.
你开心了?
Are you fucking happy?
我觉得很好了 走吧
That's good enough for me. Let's go.
老天!我看看你们的目的地是哪里
Jesus! Now, let me see where you guys are sending us.
我的老天爷!纪念医院?
Um... Oh, for Chrissake! Memorial Hospital?
那在洛杉矶市区 160多公里呢 老兄
That's downtown LA. It's 100 miles, bud.
我老婆在分娩 她要生孩子了 我们快走吧!
Yeah. Yeah, my wife's in labor. She's having a baby. Let's go!
等一下 你多大了?
Wait a second. How old are you?
51岁
Fifty-one.
依然宝刀未老啊
You still can fire a shot.
很厉害我喜欢 - 谢谢
That's very cool. I like that. - Thank you.
老兄 你叫的是哪个平台的车?
Dude, what rideshare did you call?
我可以再叫一辆 - 我听得懂英语
I could call another driver. - I speak English.
♪ Splish splash, I was takin' a bath ♪
♪ 'Long about a Saturday night ♪
♪ Rub dub, just relaxing in the tub ♪
♪ Thinkin' everything was all right ♪
♪ Then, I stepped out the tub Put my feet on the floor ♪
♪ Wrapped my towel around me I opened the door ♪
♪ And then a splish splash I jumped back in the bath ♪
♪ How was I to know There was a party going on? ♪
砰砰 我看见 一群人在客厅地毯上跳舞
♪ Bing bang, I saw the whole gang Dancing on my living room rug ♪
噗噗 他们在跳波普...
♪ Flip flop, they was doing the bop... ♪
该死的 这些烂人!
Goddamn it, you fucking whore!
真♥他♥妈♥的见缝插针
Ugh! What a fucking sewer.
所以我才离开了这该死的城市
That's why I left this goddamn city.
一个个金发傻缺怀揣梦想来到这里
Every blond-headed dipshit with a dream has to come all the way down here,
给人口♥交♥ 就为了做他妈的游戏节目主持人
suck dick to host a fucking game show.
里奇 我要错过我孩子的出生了
Richie, I'm gonna miss the birth of my kid.
谁在乎这个啊 伙计?
Oh, who gives a shit, bud?
你知道我那该死的孩子出生的时候 我在哪里吗?
You know where I was when my rotten kid was born?
我在街上的一家酒吧里