老爹们（2023）

这是我每一天当中最好的时刻
This is the best part of my day, every day.
我一直想当爸爸 花了我46年的时间才实现
I always wanted to be a dad. It just took 46 years for it to happen.
别人问我为什么 我就让他们滚开
When people ask me why, I tell 'em to fuck off.
或者我就说我还没遇见我的真命天女
Or I just say I hadn't met the right woman yet.
现在她就在那里了 莉亚
Ah, there she is. Leah.
肚子里已经有了第二个 依然很美
Got the second one in the oven, and she still looks great.
据她所说 我之所以这么晚才成爹
According to her, the reason I got such a late start
是因为我有个不幸的童年
is because I had an unhappy childhood.
但我不会抱怨
But I'm not gonna whine about it.
我又不是素食主义者
That's what vegans do.
我只希望我的孩子们 能准备好面对这个世界的一切
I'm just gonna make sure my kids are prepared for whatever this world has to offer.
慢点
Slow down.
不幸的是 我已经不知道那会是什么了
Unfortunately, I have no idea what that is anymore.
不知道为什么 我没法把孩子留在车里
For some reason, I can't leave my kid in the car
自己去便利店买♥♥东西
to run into a convenience store,
而那个便利店卖♥♥的食物全是激素
but that same store can sell him food so full of hormones
他吃了 到三年级就得长胡子
he'll be able to grow a beard by the third grade.
但没人在乎
But nobody gives a shit
因为都忙着在网上看小黄♥片♥打飞机呢
because they're too busy jerking off to Internet porn.
兄弟
Buddy.
你怎么样啊 小杰宝?
What do you say there, Jackie boy?
该死的... - 你去吧
Oh, you motherfucking-- - You're up.
我要杀了那个小混球!
Goddamn. I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!
嘿!把棍子给我!
Hey! Give me the stick! Give me the stick! Give me the stick!
嘿 小家伙 怎么了?你没事吧?
Hey, buddy. What happened? You all right?
科林推我了
Colin pushed me.
是的 我知道
Yeah, I know he did.
如果你玩危险的游戏 就会发生危险的事情 对吗?
I told you if you play rough, rough things are gonna happen, right?
来 我看看 -科林 把棍子给我!
Here, let me see. - Colin, give me the stick!
还好 抹点土就行了小家伙
Ah, that's not so bad. Just rub some dirt on it, buddy.
就这样
There you go.
你还是带他去检查一下 或者涂点抗生素软膏
You might wanna get him checked or at least put a little Neosporin on it.
有可能感染的
That thing could get infected.
你是谁? - 我是亨特·路易
Who are you? - I'm, uh, Hunter Lewis.
我是丽莎的丈夫 我们住在对面 谢谢你们邀请我
Lisa's husband. Just moved in across the street. Thanks for having me.
你是医生吗?还是什么网上专家?
Oh, yeah? Are you a doctor, or are you just one of those WebMD guys?
这是常识 伤口要保持干净
It's just common knowledge. You wanna keep the cut clean.
是吗?听着 我养的是个男子汉 不是娘娘腔
Oh, is it? Listen, I'm trying to raise a little man here, not a fucking pussy.
谢谢你的关心
So I appreciate your concern.
你干嘛不继续喝你的低度气泡酒
But why don't you just go back to your hard seltzer
上推特分享你做英雄的故事呢?
and, you know, go on Twitter and go share the story where you're the hero?
好吧
Okay.
爸爸你说了不好的话
Daddy, you said a bad word.
是的 我知道 小家伙 有时候你不得不这样
Yeah, I know I did, buddy. Sometimes you have to, all right?
别告诉你妈妈 她会杀了我 我爱你 来吧 我们起来
Don't tell your mother. She'll kill me. I love you. Come on. Let's get up.
等一下杰克!等一下!
Hang on, Jack! Hang on! Hang on!
科林有话要跟你说
Colin's got something he wants to say to you, kid.
但是爸爸 他先推的我...
But, Dad, he pushed me first--
不行 我不管这些 明白吗?
Hey, no, no, no. I don't care. Okay?
不可以打人 不可以打朋友
You don't hit somebody with a stick. We don't hit our friends.
我们道歉吧 跟奈特说对不起
Let's apologize now. Say you're sorry to Nate. Come on.
不要!
No!
喂 拜托 别哭啊
Hey, come on. Don't cry.
来吧 没事的孩子 就说声对不起
Come on. It's okay, buddy. Say you're sorry.
我只是让你道个歉 用不着这么抓狂
I'm just asking you to apologize. You don't gotta freak out.
糟了
Hey, buddy. Ah, shit. - No!
这是怎么回事?他叫什么?
Okay, okay. What is going on? Why is he screaming?
他用棍子打了奈特 我让他道歉
Because he hit Nate with a stick, and I told him to apologize.
你现在感受到的 就是你的感受 明白吗?
What you're feeling now is what you're feeling, okay?
把它释放出来
Let it out.
我觉得这样不... - 我不要你觉得 康纳
I don't think that-- - I don't need you to think now.
你需要尊重你儿子的自主性
You need to respect your son's autonomy
真正地 让他自己消化这种越界是怎么影响
and really let him process how crossing this boundary
他那不断发展的道德准则的
is affecting his ever-evolving moral code.
我要我的棍子!
I want my stick!
棍子在那里?
Stick, where is it?
在...
It's...
杰克 奈特在学校表现如何?
Jack. How's Nate doing in school?
很好 他有些进步了 你们家那个呢?
Great, you know. He's comin' along. Uh, how's your little one doing?
他很好 超级棒的
He's great. He's perfect.
是吗?
Yeah?
我说兄弟 我...
Come on, bro. I...
不! - 喂!
No! - Hey, hey, hey!
天啊!
Jesus!
我迟早要杀了你 来 我们去喝一杯
I'm gonna murder you. I swear to God. Let's go get a drink. Come on.
这他妈是有多可悲? - 他自作自受
How fucking sad is that? - He did it to himself.
是的 确实
Yes, he did.
不要! - 拜托 别这样
No! - Come on, stop it.
你看到了吗?那孩子简直疯了
Did you see that? That kid is a maniac.
对 他是不太正常
Yeah, he's a lunatic.
我得去说说 这有点过了
I'm gonna say something to Cara. It's too much.
不 什么都别说
No, no, no. Don't say anything.
我不会对她发飙的 我就跟她聊聊
I'm not gonna freak out on her. I'm just gonna talk to her.
两个母亲之间的谈话 是当妈的日常 - 迈克 她该去说说吗?
Like, mom to mom. It's what moms do. - Mike, should she say something?
维持友谊的三大最高准则
Three cardinal rules of friendship.
不谈政♥治♥ 不谈宗教
Don't bring up politics. Don't bring up religion.
还有不要教别人怎么养孩子
And don't try to tell people how to raise their kids.
不好意思 迈克 我不知道你还是谈心节目的主持人呢
Oh, I'm sorry, Mike. I didn't realize you had your own daytime talk show.
哈佛 杜克
Harvard. Duke.
女朋友 前妻
Girlfriend, ex-wife.
貌似无懈可击哦 亲爱的 - 貌似而已
It's kinda airtight, honey. - Mmm, kind of. Not really.
她这话是什么意思?
What'd she mean by that?
她就是想怼一怼你
Uh, she's just breaking your balls.
听着 我们很为你们感到高兴
Look, we're happy for you guys.
不知道你什么时候 可以把事情办了 娶了她
We're wondering when you're gonna make an honest woman out of Britney.
我跟你说过了 她不想结婚也不想生小孩
I told you. She doesn't wanna get married. She doesn't wanna have kids.
她想做的只有操♥我♥和健身
All she wants to do is fuck me and go to the gym.
牛逼了 迈克 你找到天下无双的宝了
Goddamn, Mike. You found a fucking unicorn.
怎么了?
What?
我们是一队的
It's a team sport.
你没事吧 小家伙?
You okay, buddy?
老爹们
♪ One life, I'm gonna live it up ♪
(弗兰克餐馆)
(布罗迪·史蒂文斯 818洛杉矶)
♪ I'm takin' flight I said, I'll never get enough ♪
(凯迪拉克之家)
(皮克威克保龄球馆)
(街角小屋餐厅)
♪ Stand tall, I'm young and kinda proud... ♪
三连胜经典
这是我和朋友23年前一起开的公♥司♥
This is the company my friends and I started 23 years ago.
我们做高端复古球衣
We make high-end throwback jerseys.
但在别人的劝说下 我答应要卖♥♥了公♥司♥
But I got talked into selling the company
好让我有钱送儿子去读私立学校
so I could afford to send my son to private school,
那种小孩都打扮得 跟新闻主播一样的学校
where all the kids are dressed like fucking news anchors.
这违背了我所坚信的一切 但为了孩子 我什么都愿意
Goes against everything I believe in, but I'd do anything for my kid.
老兄 你在干什么呢?
Dude, what are you doing?
你看起来 就好像刚撞死了一条狗一样 来吧
You look like you just ran over a dog. Come on.
今天可是我们的好日子
It's a great fucking day for us.
是吗?
Is it?
我们马上就要变成自己公♥司♥的员工了
We're about to become employees of our own company.
杰克 把公♥司♥卖♥♥掉 老板还留在公♥司♥里
Jack, selling a business and the owner staying on
这种事情比发现一个 已经有人的国家还要古老
is older than discovering a country that already has people.
可不是嘛
There you go.
且不说 你合理的抱怨时机应该是在签约前
Not to mention, the time to complain was before we signed the deal.
那时我确实抱怨了 - 你什么都抱怨
I did complain about it. - Yeah, but you complain about everything.
我没有
Oh, I do not.
放轻松 一切都会很好的
Relax. It's gonna be great.
你说得倒轻巧 你是没有一点压力啊
Well, that's easy for you to say. You're home free.
没错 你没有孩子要养
Yeah, that's true. You got no more child support.
大学学费也都有了 - 是的
You got college taken care of. - Yeah.
现在要干嘛呢? 把你孩子的房♥间租出去吗 抠门鬼?
What are gonna do now? Airbnb your kids' rooms, you cheap prick?
你们就笑吧 混♥蛋♥ 等着看我接下来会有什么吧
Laugh now, motherfuckers, but wait till you see what I got coming next.
好啊 我们等着
Yeah, we'll see. We'll see.