老爹们（2023）

更别说他们病逝后对亲友的打击了...
not to mention the loved ones they leave behind is...
是真真切切的让人揪心的
it's truly, truly heartbreaking.
我觉得我们同在一个社区 这是个我们可以一起探讨的问题
And I... I think, as a community, we should be able to talk about it.
比如说 我们可以在接送孩子的入口 设一个沙拉自助之类的
Like maybe put a salad bar at drop-off or something like that.
哦天!我喜欢这个
Oh man! I would love that.
好吧 可能以后再说
All right. Maybe... maybe not now.
让我赶紧结束 好的谢谢
Wrap it up. Thank you.
我想说我对我昨天的行为深感抱歉
Uh, I'd just like to say that I am truly sorry for my actions yesterday.
那种行为在我们这里 是绝不容许的 好吧?就这样
They have no place in this community. Okay? All right.
对不起 祝你们有个美好的早晨和愉快的一天
I'm sorry. Have a nice morning. Good day.
额...
Eh, eh. Uh...
好的 我们感谢杰克
Okay. Okay, let's all thank Jack.
当我们犯错的时候 能承认错误是很不容易的
It's not easy to admit when we are wrong.
这条路会很漫长
This is going to be a long... a long journey.
但我知道我们都会在背后支持他
But I know we will all be there to support him.
什么鬼? 她说“漫长的道路”是什么意思?
What the fuck? What does she mean by "long journey"?
这条路走完了 我给她道歉了
The journey's over. I just apologized to her
还有那一群怂到家的人 那些人当时压根就不在
and a bunch of weak-kneed people who weren't even there.
她又拖了三个月才肯给奈特写推荐书
She doesn't write Nate's recommendation for another three months.
所以呢? - 所以!
So? - So!
你有很多时间 来向她证明你是个好父亲
You have a long time to prove to her that you are a good dad.
但我为什么要这么做?
But why do I need to do that?
因为这个推荐书关系到奈特 也会关系到我们
Because this recommendation is as much about Nate as it is about us as parents.
天啊!这些人到底有完没完?
Oh, Jesus Christ! Is it ever over with these people?
你得闯多少个关才能通过啊?
I mean, how many fucking hoops do you have to jump through?
我不知道 杰克 但这是你制♥造♥的问题
I don't know, Jack, but you created this problem.
所以你是要像个男人一样解决它 还是我得给你也买♥♥个奶嘴了?
So, are you going to man up and solve it, or am I registering for two pacifiers?
怎么样? - 好吧
Well? - All right.
我会好好的 然后闯过每个关卡 好吗?
I will play nice, and I will jump through all the hoops, okay?
谢谢 祝你今天愉快
Mm-hmm. Thank you. Have a good day.
嗨宝贝 我烤了一点水牛牛排
Hi, baby. I grilled up some buffalo steaks,
桌子上还有一杯曼哈顿鸡尾酒等着你
and there's a Manhattan waiting for you on the table.
真要命宝贝 你看起来好赞
Goddamn, baby. You look good.
跟我来
Follow me.
正是我今晚需要的
Just what I needed tonight.
当然 我知道怎么照顾我的男人
Well, I do know how to take care of my man.
去吧 坐下
Go on. Sit down.
喝一杯 好好放松一下
Have a drink. Get all nice and relaxed.
为什么?怎么了?
Why? What happened?
没什么
Nothing.
没--
好吧 确实有事要跟你说 但你保证你不能生气
Okay, well, I do have to tell you something, but you have to promise to not get mad.
我学了这么多年法律 让我没法轻易答应这种事呢
I went to too many years of law school to agree to something like that.
怎么了?
What's going on?
嗯
Well,
我没来
I'm late.
不会吧 不可能
There's no way. That's impossible.
我也不敢相信
I couldn't believe it either.
(怀孕 未怀孕)
我结扎了 而且我拔♥出♥来♥了
I had a vasectomy, and I pull out.
我知道 我也不懂是怎么回事 但...
I... I know. I don't know how it happened, but...
也许是有其他原因
maybe there's a reason.
再尿一次
Pee again.
什么? - 再尿一次!
What? - Pee again!
我尿了 三次呢
I did. Three times.
那就不是我的 去验一下吧
Well, it's not mine, so go take a test.
你得这么想 这说明你的精♥子♥真的很强大
I mean, look at it this way. You got really strong sperm.
你应该感到骄傲
You should be proud.
真的 我们这个年纪的男人 射出来的东西都跟得了哮喘病一样
Seriously. I mean, guys our age, our cum is usually, like, asthmatic, you know,
但你的就像 《不死劫》里的布鲁斯·威利斯
but your shit's, like, Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, bro.
对啊 靠着前列腺液艰难地闯过了结扎
Yeah. To plow through a vasectomy with pre-cum.
真的是活久见 - 可不是嘛
I mean, that's unheard of. - Come on.
那简直是《勇敢的心》级别的精♥液♥了
That's like some Braveheart- level jizz.
兄弟 你真是 黑人版的威廉·华♥莱♥士♥了
Yeah, dude. You're like a Black William Wallace.
前列腺液!
Pre-cum!
不好意思
Sorry.
迈克 会很赞的 有了小孩之后你会觉得自己很年轻
Mike, this is gonna be great, okay? And remember, kids keep you young.
不会的 我的孩子让我觉得想死
No, they don't. My kids almost killed me.
别这么想
Oh, come on.
你难道忘了当爸爸时的那种美妙吗?
Don't you remember the beauty of becoming a dad?
新生婴儿头上的味道 简直太棒了
The smell of a newborn baby's head. I mean, it's the best.
他们很有意思的 迈克
They're funny, Mike. They're funny.
他们会说有趣的话 他们觉得屁都是有趣的
They say funny shit. They think farts are funny.
早上他跑进来说“拉我的手指”
In the morning, he comes running in. "Pull my finger. Pull my finger."
一个湿屁 太逗了
Wet one. It's funny.
很可爱
It's adorable.
还有 你回到家 他们见到你超级激动的
Another thing, you come home, they're excited to see you.
有几个地方你可以一进门 就有人像疯了一样
How many places do you walk in, and people just freak out
向你跑来 尖叫着喊你的名字?
and start running at you, screaming your name?
你回到家 感觉自己成巨星了
You come home, you feel like you're famous.
没错 而且他们不会活了12年就死了
Yeah, exactly. They don't die after 12 years.
没错 - 像狗一样
Exactly. - Like a dog.
希望是这样
Hopefully.
迈克 这会很棒的 而且我们会一起帮你
Mike, this is gonna be great. We all get to do it together.
是的
Yeah.
杰克 自从奈特出生后 你老了十岁
Jack, you've aged ten years since Nate was born.
康纳 我不知道你是怎么了 因为你一点没老
Connor, I don't know what's up with you 'cause you don't fucking age.
谢了 兄弟 - 我不是夸你
Thanks, buddy. - It's not a compliment.
我不知道你打了什么肉毒杆菌
I don't know what kind of Botox shit you're on,
会毒死你的
but it's gonna kill you.
好吧兄弟 别这么恶毒 好吗? 你搞出小孩又不是因为我
All right, dude. Ease up. Okay? I didn't fucking get you pregnant.
就...如果你不想要 堕胎就完了
Just... If you don't want the baby, just get an abortion.
冲掉
Flush it.
我不信这个 这是白人做的垃圾事
I don't believe in that. That's some white shit.
什么意思? - 什么?
What's that mean? - What?
我不知道 我有点激动了
I don't know. I'm emotional.
她说了她不想要孩子
She said she didn't wanna have kids.
我现在该怎么办?
What the fuck am I gonna do?
我心脏病要发了 - 你不会的
I'm having a heart attack. - You're not.
能给我们来点水吗?注意呼吸 - 我心脏病要发了
Can we get some water? Just breathe. - I'm gonna have a heart attack.
你不会心脏病发作的 你是健身的人
You're not gonna have a heart attack. You go to the gym.
没有哪个健身的人会心脏病发作的
Nobody has a heart attack that goes to the gym.
除了慢跑那家伙 他就死于心脏病
Except... Remember that jogging guy? He died of a heart attack.
对哦 - 记得那个人吗?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. - Remember that guy?
大家早上好 - 早上好 L博士
Good morning, everyone. Morning, Doctor L.
回头见 小家伙 要开心哦 好吗?
Oh! - Hey, buddy. I'll see ya. Have fun. Okay?
那是给我的吗?
Is that for me?
是给整个社区的 这是一棵橄榄树
Oh, it's for the whole community. Yeah, it's an olive tree.
很耐旱 也是和平的永恒象征
Very drought-friendly. And an eternal symbol of peace.
想着这是一个 培养孩子们的社会心理健康的好方法
I thought it'd be a nice way to cultivate the kids', uh, social-emotional growth.
这是我们在家里对奈特一再强调的事
Something we work on a lot with Nate at home, you know?
令我刮目相看
Well, I... I am impressed.
但这棵树 跟我们这里的生态系统不是很兼容
But this tree is incompatible with our ecosystem.
它会招来虫子
The insects that it would attract
那些虫子 会对这里的植物产生有害的影响
would be detrimental to all plant life here.
真有意思啊 你和我竟然在...
This is a funny moment. Yeah. You and I are having a--
什么?
What?
真是巧了 你竟然带了一个 跟你一样的植物 一个植物版的你
I find it so apropos that you have brought the plant version of yourself.
杰克 我很感谢你能这么做 我知道这对你来说不容易
Jack, I appreciate the effort. I know how hard this is for you.
但幸好你有我来为你指路
But fortunately, I am here to guide you.
如果你愿意采纳我的建议 这是你能接受的事吗?
If you're willing to take my advice. Is that something you'd be open to?
我需要你用语言确认 - 是的
I need a verbal confirmation. - Yes.
跟我来
Walk with me.
如你所见 这是一个充满活力 随性灵动的地方
As you can see, this is such a dynamic and whimsical place.
是为下一代了不起的领导者 而打造的发射台
A launching pad for the next generation of great leaders.
领导者如奈特
Such as Nate.
但如果没有足够的燃料 他们永远都不能抵达最高空
But they'll never reach the stratosphere without enough fuel.
我们的年度募资活动快开始了
Our annual fundraiser is coming up,
考虑到你在销♥售♥方面有过管理经验
and given your leadership experience in sales,
我觉得你可能会很适合做这个主席
I think you might make a great chairman.
我? - 你觉得呢?
Me? - What do you think?