和我结婚（2022）

以纽约州赋予我的权力，我现在宣布你们结为夫妻。
By the power vested in me
by the state of New York,
I now declare you...
...husband and wife.
♪ ♪
凯特。
Kat.
离我远点。
Get the hell away from me.
-我能解释一下…——我是认真的!
- Can I just explain...
- I'm serious!
-把她带出去!-清理这片区域。
- Get her out of here!
- Clear this area.
-请大家出去。-怎么了?
- Everybody out, please.
- What's going on?
发生了什么事?
What happened?
宝贝……
Baby...
去你的,巴斯蒂安·!
Screw you, Bastian!
我们在迈阿密打了一架，然后你叫我滚出去。
We got in that fight in Miami,
then you told me to get out.
所以这都是我的错吗?
Oh, so this is all my fault?
没什么。没什么。
It's nothing. It was nothing.
放我出去。
Get me out of here.
-哇，哇，哇，只是…哇,只是……——等。
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, just... Whoa, just...
- Wait.
你以为你是谁啊，伙计?一些粉丝吗?
Who the hell do you think
you are, man? Some fan?
不，我不喜欢。只是…我是说，我现在是。
No, I'm not a fan. Just...
Well, I mean, I am now.
好吧。我们做完了。你们这些人，放下手♥机♥。
Okay. We're done.
You lot, get your phones down.
节目结束了。走,走,走。
Show's over. Go, go, go.
卡尔，带这两个到后面去。
Carl, take these two
round the back.
我让你派人从前门绕过去。
I'll have you send decoys
round the front.
——倾听。-快把他弄出去!
- Listen.
- Just get him out of here!
嘿,那就动起来吧。移♥动♥。
Hey, move. Move.
他在那里。他在那里。
Hold him there. Hold him there.
-特里，我很好。——哇,哇。
- Terry, I'm-I'm good.
- Whoa, whoa.
♪ ♪
这是疯狂的。
That was crazy.
我很抱歉。我不知道该说什么，也不知道刚才发生了什么，但我知道在某种程度上你一定很在乎那个人。
I'm sorry.
I don't know exactly what to say
or what just happened,
but I know on some level
you must have really cared
about that guy.
我要嫁给他。
I was marrying him.
好点。
Good point.
他会很老的。
He's going to age badly.
不,他不是。
No, he's not.
是的,你是对的。
Yeah, you're right.
他可能会变得更帅。
He's probably just gonna
get better looking.
我真的很抱歉。
I'm really sorry about all this.
我也是。
Me, too.
你没事吧?
You gonna be okay?
杰夫会送你回家。
Jeff will take you home.
好吧。晚安，各位。
Okay. Good night.
最后查理。
Charlie, finally.
嘿。卢怎么样?
Hey. How's Lou?
她很好。她在她妈妈家。你在哪里?
She's fine. She's at her mom's.
Where are you?
我在车♥库♥里。我在回家的路上。
I'm in a garage.
I'm on my way home.
等一等。你是说你没看过?
Hold on. You're saying
you haven't seen it?
哦,我的上帝。你到处都是。
Oh, my God.
You are everywhere.
网络上，电视上，在……“电视”是什么意思?
Online, on television, on...
What do you mean "television"?
你听说凯特·瓦尔迪兹今晚在音乐会上和另一个陌生人结婚了吗?
Did you hear
Kat Valdez got married
to a different stranger
at the concert tonight?
你相信吗?
Do you believe that?
在今晚从演唱会回家的路上，凯特·瓦尔迪兹也离开了演唱会的男人，然后和她的优步司机结婚，然后…现在他要带他们去特克斯和凯科斯群岛度蜜月，她要在那里嫁给那个侍者。
On the way home
from the concert tonight,
Kat Valdez also left
the guy from the concert,
then married her Uber driver,
and then...
Now he's-he's driving them
to the honeymoon
in Turks and Caicos, where
she will marry the bellboy.
这非常………这一切都发生了……凯特·瓦尔迪兹和巴斯蒂安…
It's very... It's all...
It's all happening...
Kat Valdez y Bastian...
你就在那里。
There you are.
你需要什么吗?
You need anything?
告诉我这不是真的。
Just...
tell me it didn't happen.
为什么我总是选错人?
Why do I always pick
the wrong guy?
我让所有人都失望了。
I let everyone down.
不,不。不,你没有。
No, no. No, you didn't.
我无法摆脱我自己的方式。
I can't get out of my own way.
哦,来这里。到这里来。
Oh, come here. Come here.
没关系。
It's all right.
我们会想出办法的。
We'll figure it out.
我保证。
I promise.
我保证。
I promise.
我们会想出办法的。
We'll figure it out.
好消息是昨晚有个婚礼。
Well, the good news is
there was a wedding last night.
坏消息是这不是一个玩笑。
The bad news is
it was not a joke.
我有两件事要说。
I have two things to say.
首先，凯特，我们爱你……是巴斯蒂安·。
First, Kat, we love you...
It's Bastian.
他说他只需要五分钟。
He says he just needs
five minutes.
把电♥话♥挂了，关掉。
Hang up and turn that off.
我得走了。
I got to go.
上帝,他是难以置信的。
God, he's unbelievable.
现在该做什么?
What now?
他要去波多黎各。
Well, he's going to Puerto Rico.
他说他需要振作起来。
He says he needs to get
his head together.
无论什么。
Whatever.
凯特，他哭了。
Kat, he was crying.
没用的。
Not helping.
你对吧?
You all right?
不。
No.
好吧，我昨晚做了些调查，结果发现，在一万起潜在的垃圾箱火灾中，你选了一个体面的，无犯罪记录的直男单身父亲，还有，他是个数学老师。
Okay, well, I did
a bit of digging last night,
and it turns out, out of 10,000
potential dumpster fires,
you picked a decent,
straight, single father
with no criminal record,
and get this,
he's a maths teacher.
-那很好吗?——太棒了。
- And that's good?
- It's great.
他不会有问题的。
He's not gonna be a problem.
我说我们出五千块，让他签下保密协议，让这一切都过去。
I say we offer $5,000,
get him to sign an NDA
and let it all blow over.
还是……还是?
Or...
Or?
或者我可以继续跟他在一起。
Or I could stay married to him.
你在开玩笑吧。
You're kidding.
你在开玩笑吧。
You're kidding.
你不是在开玩笑。
You're not kidding.
你不能。我们不能。
Y-You can't. We can't.
它是不合法的。
It-it's not legal.
我们没有提交文件。
We didn't file papers.
那就把文件归档。
So file the papers.
……我是说，在这里放唱片。
Wha...
I mean, play the record
through here.
我昨晚做了一件事，如果不做完，我看起来就像疯了一样。
I started something last night,
and if I don't finish it,
I look crazy.
“呃。”你会看起来更疯狂。
"Er." You'll look crazier.
合十礼。
Namaste.
是啊，我们得赶在这之前走。
Yeah, we got to get out
in front of this.
现在他觉得他可以当众羞辱我吗?
Now, he thinks he can
publicly humiliate me?
螺丝。