别担心，他不会走远的

考基 说说你的故事吧
Corky, why don't you tell us your story.
你们也知道 我的故事不是
Well, as you know, my story is not
实际意义上的悲剧 除非
a "really tragic" story, unless...
无聊也是一种悲剧
boredom is tragic.
我
I, um...
我结婚了 物质条件无比满足
you know, I was married. I had every comfort you could ask for.
我以为那会让我的生活变得有意义
I thought that's what was gonna make my life meaningful.
我不想再去参加派对 还有
I just stopped wanting to go to parties, and...
不想和闺蜜们
play tennis...
打网球
with my girlfriends.
申明一下 我想说
For the record, I'd like to say
我每天宁愿熨床单也不要打网球
that I think I'd rather iron sheets than play tennis any day.
在我大概十一岁的时候
When I was, uh, about 11 years old,
我和祖母住在黑林附近
I lived with my grandmother near the Black Forest, and...
住在一个小房♥子的二楼
In a little house, second floor,
我养了一只猫
and I had a cat.
她叫菲菲
Her name was Fifi.
我确实得了俄勒冈文化遗产奖
Well, I did get an Oregon Cultural Heritage Award.
这些奖项都不重要
Ah, these awards are not important.
-别再说了 -好吧
- Please. - Okay.
我有安定剂的处方
I got a prescription for Valium,
这样起码日子过得
which at least made the days go...
更快了
by quicker.
对 这块石头
Yeah, okay, there's this rock
大概这么大 上面有很多纹路
that was about this big that had these grooves in it,
就像很多凸起 我就问
like, uh, you know, little bumps, and I said,
"珍妮阿姨 这是什么"
"Well, Aunt Janey, what is this?"
她说 "怎么 你不知道这是什么"
And she said, "What? You don't know what that is?"
我就回答 "不知道"
And I was like, "No."
她说 "这是我的美奶石"
And she's like, "Well, that's my titty rock."
我就问 "你的美奶石"
And I was like, "Your titty rock?"
她回答 "对 我的美奶石"
She was like, "Yeah, my titty rock."
"你跟女生们打架就会拿到这石头
"That's for when you get in fights with girls.
你用这个捶她们的奶♥子♥" 不开玩笑
You punch 'em in the tit with it." Not joking, not kidding.
然后有一天 我就
Then one day, I just, like,
脱♥光♥了衣服 然后走上了街
took off all my clothes and walked down the street.
然后
And...
邮差
the mailman...
发现了我
found me and...
他把我送回家打电♥话♥给我老公
he brought me home and called my husband,
搞得像我是个孩子一样
like I was a child.
而我还是戴着婚戒 但是
And I, you know, I'm still wearing my wedding ring, but...
我
I'm...
现在离婚了 而我更幸福了
divorced now, and I'm... I'm much happier.
或许生活其实不该
Maybe life's actually not supposed to be...
像我们所想的那样有意义
as meaningful as we think it is.
-谢谢 考基 -谢谢 考基
- Thanks, Corky. - Thanks, Corky.
别担心 他不会走远的
女士们 先生们
Ladies and gentlemen,
有请波特兰舞台的漫画名家
please welcome to the stage Portland's celebrity cartoonist
约翰·卡拉汉
John Callahan!
"我们两人中有一人无法到达这座小镇"
大家好 我叫约翰 我是个酒鬼
Hi. My name is John, and I'm an alcoholic.
你好 约翰
Hi, John.
你们好 能来这里真好
Hi. It's good to be here.
我能走路的最后一天
The last day that I walked,
我醒来却没有宿醉
I... I woke up without a hangover.
与约翰·卡拉汉的一晚
我能走路的最后一天 醒来却没有宿醉
The last day I walked, I woke up without a hangover.
我的胃里仍有前一夜饮下的酒
I was still loaded from drinking the night before.
我知道我还剩下大概一小时的优雅
I knew I had an hour or so of grace before the...
之后则是神经质
nervousness...
戒断症状出现了
Of withdrawal symptoms set in.
如果我失控了 勃然大怒怎么办
What if I lost control, flipped out'?
妈的
Fuck.
最近的能买♥♥到酒的商店
The closest store where I could buy booze
在一个主要的十字路口旁边
was near a major intersection.
-你好吗 -挺凉快的
- How are you? - Staying cool.
-外面很热 对吧 -没错
- It's hot out there, isn't it? - Yeah.
-适合去沙滩的天气 -是啊
- Good beach weather. - Yeah. Whew.
我试着和
I tried to talk to the...
店主聊天 表现得非常随意
owner of the store and act real casual.
我是给阿尔瓦拉多房♥屋粉刷工作的
I work for Alvarado house painter.
我们的工作堆成山
Oh. We got tons of work.
就好像一切都在掌控中
Oh, you know, like I had everything under control.
但是
But...
要是没看见我颤抖的手 他们就真瞎了
They'd have to be blind not to see my hand shaking.
这样 我就买♥♥那瓶三个祖父
Yeah, I guess I'll just take that, uh, Tres Abuelos.
对 龙舌兰
Yeah, tequila.
你好吗
Hey, how's it going?
今天还挺有趣的 对吧
Wow, pretty groovy day, huh?
是啊
Oh, yeah.
-海浪要来了 -没错
- Surf's coming up. - Yeah.
天再蓝一点
Sky gets any bluer,
就要响起穆迪·沃特斯的调调了
it'll be singing a Muddy Waters tune.
穆迪·沃特斯 美国蓝调歌♥手 被尊称为"现代芝加哥蓝调之父"
什么
Sorry?
我是写歌♥的
I'm a songwriter.
我听各种各样的音乐
I listen to a lot of different music.
-这样 -喝一杯吗
- Um... - Want a drink?
我就 不用了
I'm... I'm good.
我们回头再见 好吗
Um, I'll see you around sometime, okay?
好吧
Oh. All right.
你有问题 卡拉汉
You've got a problem, Callahan.
关于生母我知道三件事
I know three things about my real mother:
她是爱尔兰裔美国人 她有红发
she was Irish-American, she had red hair,
她是个学校里的老师
she was a school teacher.
哦对
Oh, yeah.
还有她不想要我
And she didn't want me.
好吧
Okay-
四件事
Four things.
那段时间如果有私生的天主教婴儿
The way with illegitimate Catholic babies in those days
就要把他们从生母身边带走
was to remove them from the mother of birth...
然后让修女们照看六个月
...and put them in the care of the nuns for six months
以防生母改变主意
in case the natural mother should change her mind.
我母亲是女王吗
Was my mother a queen?
还是个妓♥女♥
Was she a whore?
我该不该找到她 给她个惊喜
Could I locate her and surprise her,
比如说就在银行出纳的柜台
say, at a bank teller's window?
"对 我想兑现这张支票 妈"
"Yeah, I'd like to cash this check, Mom."
妈的 帮帮我
Oh, fuck. Help!
老兄 你真是累坏了
Oh, hey. Dude, you wiped out.
-帅 -能帮我起来吗
- Nice. - Can you help me up?
-行啊 -不过轻点
- Yeah, all right. - Easy, though.
-好的 -好了 慢点轻点
- Okay. - All right, now, nice and easy.
别想炫耀
Don't try and show off.
-对 -转个方向 转一下
- Yeah! Oh! - Here, come around, turn around.
慢点 好了
Here we go. All right.
好的 小心
Okay. Watch it.
小心 小心点 好了 好了
Careful, careful. There we go. There we go.
好了 抬他起来
Yeah, lift him up.
你们闻到了吗 那是什么味道
You guys smell that? Oh, what's that smell?
臭死了 我天
Oh, that reeks, man. Oh.
把右腿抬起来
Yeah, pull up that right leg right there.
-这边吗 -对
- Right here? - Yeah.
你把裤腿抬起来
Yeah, you lift up that right pant leg there.
勇敢点
Be brave.
对 把那个和白色的东西连起来
Yeah, just attach that into the white thing.
好了
All right.
-谢谢你们 -你画的吗
- Thank you. - You draw this?
-对 -哇
- Yeah. - Whoa.
-你能看懂吗 -太棒了 能
- You get it? - Awesome. Yeah.