哈佛少女的快乐清单（2016）

I've always wanted to try it.
谢谢你邀请我
And thanks for inviting me.
我总不能让你一个人过感恩节吧？
Well, I couldn't have you alone on Thanksgiving, now could I?
怎样，你不跟每个学生吃饭吗？
What, so you don't take all your students to dinner?
只跟最优秀最聪明的
Only my best and brightest.
请给女士气泡水
Sparkling water for the lady,
我要一杯巴洛洛红酒，谢谢你
and a glass of Barolo for me, please.Thank you.
你知道吗
You know...
我长大时也跳过级
I skipped a grade of school growing up, too.
是啊，当知道自己…
Yeah, it was so frustrating
比大部分我认识的大人还聪明时
knowing that I was smarter
那种感觉好令人沮丧
than most of the adults I knew,
而他们还是把我当小孩看待
and yet they still treated me like a child.
我超讨厌被当作小孩看待
I hated, absolutely hated, being treated like a child.
是啊，我也很讨厌那样
Yeah, I really hate that too.
虽然，我基本上是个小孩
Although, I technically was a child
一直到最近为止
until fairly recently.
是啊，但你有古老的灵魂
Yeah, but you've got an old soul.
而我有颗年轻的心
And I'm kind of young at heart,
所以我想我们可以互补
so I guess we meet in the middle.
是啊
Yeah. Thanks.
谢谢
Thank you.
谢谢你
干杯
Well, cheers.
干杯
Cheers.
喔，堪比大♥师♥级的美味
Oh, oh, that's just masterful.
真好喝，你的水如何？
Really, really delicious. How's your water?
平淡，喝完有气泡感
It's pedestrian, with a frothy finish.
想喝看看我的酒吗？
Would you like to taste my wine?
好啊
Okay.
哇，慢点…
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
好了，好
Okay, okay.
首先，吸进香味…
First, breathe in the bouquet.
好，然后轻啜一口…
All right, now take a sip.
让酒包住你的舌
Let the wine coat your tongue.
真的？
Really?
你这样很好看
That looks good on you.
什么意思？
What?
酒，把你的唇都染红了…
The wine. It stained your lips red.
那全是我每个性幻想的画面
Man #2: It's in every single sexual fantasy I have.
当进行得顺利，正要开始做的时候
Things are going great, and then right before the main event,
电♥话♥就响了…
the phone rings.
你接了吗？
Man: Do you answer it?
没有，但还是毁了当下那个时刻…
Man #2: No, but it still totally ruins the moment.
所以，你们打得火热
So, things get hot and heavy,
正要性♥交♥时，电♥话♥响了
but just before intercourse, the phone rings.
然后我的老二急缩成一小块
Man #2: And then, my penis becomes the size of a nub.
根本是消失了
It practically disappears.
我像肯尼娃娃一样
I'm like a Ken doll
没有性器官… - 喔，呃…
with no genitalia-- - Oh, uh--
老天 - 对不起…
Good God. - Sorry.
我以为我迟到了
I thought I was late.
抱歉，乔治
I'm sorry, George.
其实，时间到了
It is time, in fact.
我们下礼拜继续谈，好吗？
Let's come back to this next week, shall we?
喔，我们好像还剩下几分钟…
Oh, we have a couple more minutes remaining.
可以算到下周的时间？
But we could tack that onto next week?
当然，谢谢你，乔治
Absolutely. Thank you, George.
好，谢谢你，医生
Okay. Thank you, doc.
再打给我 - 凯莉！
Call me. - Carrie!
凯莉！
Carrie!
你很差劲欸
That was awful.
希望你不要再偷听我的疗程
And I'd appreciate you not listening in on my sessions.
对不起，门对我的耳朵来说太薄了
Sorry, the door was just flat enough for my...for my ear.
总之，我急着过来…
Anyway, I was very eager to get here,
因为我要让你知道
because I have your precious list,
你列的清单妙方
and I'll have you know I've already ticked
我已经完成两项了
two things off.
真的吗？
Really? - Don't act so surprised.
别那么惊讶的样子
I'm a very good student, you know.
我是个很好的学生好吗
好吧，那就说来听听
All right. Well, let's hear it, then.
好，首先…
Okay, firstly...
我承认樱桃汽水效果很棒
I'll admit the cherry soda was excellent.
非常好
Very good.
养金鱼则还不一定
The jury's still out on the goldfish.
牠们目前还没帮到什么忙
They don't do much.
说到金鱼…
Well, when it comes to goldfish,
我会降低我的期望值
I'd lower my expectations.
总之是好的开始
Good start.
也许我们可以更专注在其它项目
Maybe if we can focus on some of these other things.
凯莉
Carrie.
快乐到底有什么好处？
What's so great about being happy anyway?
有些人一生不快乐却很优秀
There are some brilliant unhappy people.
齐克果（哲学家）、贝多芬…
Kierkegaard, Beethoven,
梵谷
Van Gough...
莫里西！（歌♥手）
Morrissey!
总之，我没有不快乐
Anyway, I'm not unhappy.
要是你看着我说那句话
You'd be a lot more convincing
你会更有说服力
if you could look at me when you say that.
总有一天，你该决定…
One of these days, you should decide
要让某人认识你
you're going to let someone get to know you.
你可以从相信我开始
You can start by trusting me.
你不觉得
Don't you think
真正的伴侣关系有帮助吗？
that real companionship would help?
去约会怎么样？
What about going on a date?
考虑过吗？
Any more thoughts about that?
为什么大家都一副性♥爱♥有魔力
Why does everyone act like sex is this magical,
可以治愈一切的样子？
happiness cure-all?
我没说到性♥爱♥
I didn't say anything about sex.
那是只有你
Well, then, you're the only one,
因为每个人似乎只谈这件事
because it seems to be the only thing anyone talks about.
每个人是谁？
Who's anyone?
就，公♥司♥的人…我在咖啡厅听到的人
Well, people at work, people I overhear in cafes.
刚刚在这里…
That weird little perv who was in here just now,
谈自己老二消失的变♥态♥怪咖
talking about his disappearing penis.
请不要把他扯进来
Please, leave him out of this.
为什么连去超商都要被标题围绕
Why can't I go into a grocery store without being accosted
「情侣高♥潮♥的101种方法」
by headlines claiming 101 ways to have an orgasm.
「50种3P的方法」不是更有效率吗？
Wouldn't 50 three-ways be sufficient?
一种不也就够了吗？
Wouldn't-- wouldn't one?
性♥爱♥的确是成人生活的重要部分
Well, it's true that sex is a big part of adult life.
如果不是它，人类就要死光了
If it weren't, the human population would die out.
但那不表示每个人都沈迷于性♥爱♥
But it doesn't mean that everyone is sex obsessed.
也许现在你这样觉得
It may seem like that to you now,
但我想你长大一点
but I would gather that if you were older
有更多经验
and had more experience,
就不会觉得那么可怕了
it wouldn't seem as glaring.
你为什么会觉得我没有性经验？
What makes you think that I'm not sexually experienced?
你有吗？
Are you?
不管我有没有性经验
I can have opinions
我都可以有意见
regardless of whether I myself have had sex.
是没错，但如果你没坐过飞机
True, but it's hard to comment on what it's like to fly in an airplane
就很难谈论翱翔天空的感觉
if you've never been off the ground.
但是，倘若你有性经验
However, if you have had sexual experiences,
想要讨论…
and you want to discuss them--
不，谢了
No thanks. Ew.
反正，你不能想约会就能约会
Anyway, you can't just go on a date.
得要有人约啊
You have to be asked.
不一定
Not necessarily.
我拒绝挂在网络上找人约
I refuse to troll the Internet for a date.
不知道喔，可能会是你这辈子