哈佛少女的快乐清单（2016）

The Modernists, especially Joyce and Wolff
他们的小说里
were very big on stream of consciousness
有着强烈的意识流技巧
techniques in their novels,
你们刚学到了第一课
and you just got your first lesson in it.
有人想试试看吗？
Would anyone like to give it a try?
想到什么就说什么
Say whatever pops into your mind.
（法兰妮与卓依）粉丝，你来吧…
"Franny and Zooey," how about you?
喔，我不知道要说什么…
Oh, I wouldn't know what to say.
一点不难，就从你的名字开始吧
It's not difficult. You just start with your name,
你来自哪里，然后就说下去…
where you're from, kinda go from there.
我叫凯莉皮尔比，我…
My name's Carrie Pilby, I--
在伦敦出生
well I was born in London
但12岁时我妈过世后
but I moved to New York when I was 12
就搬来纽约了
just after my mom died.
我想我不该那样说的
I guess I shouldn't have said that,
因为现在大家会觉得
'cause now everyone's feeling weird
那个死了母亲的女生很奇怪
about the girl whose mom died.
好像我是安蒂冈妮或是哈利波特
Like I'm Antigone or Harry Potter,
或是斑比什么的
or Bambi or something.
但我不是希腊悲剧也不是巫师
But I'm not a Greek tragedy or a wizard.
如果我是电影里的角色
And if I was a character in a movie,
我想当凯瑟琳赫本（四届奥斯卡影后）
I'd like to be Katherine Hepburn,
还最好能在电影里
preferably in a movie where she gives
和影帝史宾塞屈赛较劲…
Spencer Tracy a run for his money.
但我看得出来你们觉得无聊了
But I can tell I'm boring you now.
这不容易，比跳四年级和八年级难
And this is hard, harder than skipping fourth and eighth grade.
但没有跳二年级那么难
But not as hard as skipping second grade,
因为从铅笔一下换到原子笔…
because going from pencil to pen
还蛮突然的…
was pretty abrupt.
好极了
Professor Harrison: Excellent.
如果想在我的课堂上使用铅笔
If you want to use pencil in my class,
尽管请便
you're more than welcome.
好，还有人要试试吗？
Now, anyone else wanna give it a shot?
凯莉？
Man: Carrie? Carrie?
凯莉？
I really believe
我真心认为…
倘若你认真做了清单上的事
that if you do the things on this list,
你就会体验到更美好的人生…
you're going to feel a lot better about life.
我打赌我不会
I bet I won't.
那就证明给我看…
So, prove it.
证明我对我的工作领域一无所知
Prove to me that I don't know how to do my job.
你真的是…很奇怪的人 谢谢你
You're a very odd man. - Thank you.
那是我整天听到最好的赞美
That's the nicest compliment I've had all day.
嗨…
Hi.
大维，请给我一只金鱼
Davy, I would like a goldfish, please.
我们正举♥行♥买♥♥♥一♥送♥一♥的特卖♥♥
We're having a two-for-one special.
我只要一只
I just want one.
但另一只不用钱…
But the other one is free.
牠们是社交动物
They're social creatures.
你听到我说我要一只鱼，对吧？
You heard me say I want a fish, right?
不是黑猩猩
Not a chimpanzee.
鱼群体行动，牠们喜欢同伴
Fish swim in schools. They like company.
鱼群体行动，是因为就进化来说
Fish swim in schools because, evolutionarily,
牠们存活的机会比较高
it gives them a better chance of surviving.
我的鱼会生活在一间单套房♥公♥寓♥
My fish is going to be living in a one bedroom apartment,
又不是大堡礁
not the Great Barrier Reef.
算了，给我两只啦
Fine, just give me two fish.
太好了！
Great!
出租车！
Woman: Taxi!
「凯瑟琳」…
Carrie: Katherine...
你的工作是证明佩特洛夫错了
your job is to prove Petrov wrong.
「史宾塞」你的工作是让凯瑟琳快乐
Spencer, your job is to keep Katherine happy.
喂！
Hey!
滚开，不然我就报♥警♥！
Get away from there before I call the police!
为什么？
Why?
第一，因为你显然在吸违♥禁♥品♥
One, because you're clearly smoking something illegal.
第二，因为你看起来…
And two, because it looks like
像是要抢那间公♥寓♥
you're about to burgle that apartment.
我♥干♥嘛要抢自己的公♥寓♥？
Why would I want to burgle my own apartment?
你才不住那里
You don't live there.
要是这样我就不用付房♥租了
Well, then I definitely need to stop paying rent.
住那里的是别人
No, some other guy lives there.
对啊，我室友泰德
Yeah, my roommate, Ted.
好，如果是你的公♥寓♥
Okay, well, if it's your apartment,
你干嘛在街上吹着迪吉里杜管
why do you play your didgeridoo
像个神经嬉皮一样？
in the street like a crazy hippy?
因为泰德不喜欢我在公♥寓♥里练习
Because Ted doesn't like me practicing in the apartment.
我可不怪他
I can't say I blame him.
你要吹吹看吗？
You wanna play it?
可以帮助你放松
It might help you relax.
你怎会觉得我不放松？
What makes you think I'm not relaxed?
因为你肩膀不会自然地
When people's shoulders aren't naturally aligned
像那样紧靠着耳朵
with their earlobes like that.
也许我冷啊
Maybe I'm cold.
也许你不该对不认识的人妄下结论
Maybe you shouldn't make assumptions about people you don't know.
没啦，我闹你的，我又没…
Hey listen, I was just razzing you-- I didn't--
没别的意思
...mean anything by it.
我要去上班了
I am going to work.
倘若有人打来…就记下留言
If anyone calls, take a message.
你刚喝樱桃汽水就高♥潮♥了吗？
Did you just have an orgasm over a cherry soda?
可以让我静静地喝汽水吗？
Can you just leave me to drink my soda in peace?
噢，当然，当然
Oh, of course, of course,
那我不打扰你们两位了
I'll let you two have some privacy.
所以你是怎样？还在念书吗？
So, what's your deal? Are you a student?
不，我去年毕业了
No, I graduated last year.
从哪里？
From where?
波士顿
Boston.
波士顿大学？
Boston University?
不，其实是在剑桥那边
No, it was in Cambridge actually.
埃默森学院？
Emerson, Brandeis, Northeastern...
布兰迪斯大学？东北大学？
Harvard.
哈佛大学
So, why don't you just say Harvard?
那你怎么不直接说哈佛？
因为我每次一说哈佛
Because when I say Harvard,
人们的回答总是很蠢
people always reply with something asinine,
比如「说句厉害的话来听」
like, "Say something smart."
喂，你知道凯莉念过哈佛吗？
Hey, did you know Carrie went to Harvard?
真假？说句厉害的话来听吧
No way. Say something smart.
不，不要
No, no.
我是说真的
Seriously.
我认为人们低估了
I think the influence
齐克果对卡缪的影响
of Kierkegaard on Camus is underestimated,
我相信霍布斯是暗黑版的鲁索
I believe Hobbes is just Rousseau in a dark mirror,
我真心相信黑格尔的理论
and I truly believe with Hegel
超越性即是专注
that transcendence is absorption.
酷喔
Cool.
我听不懂你刚刚说的
I have no idea what you just said,
但你听起来确实像个他妈的天才
but you sure sound like a friggin' genius.
我从华♥莱♥士♥（美作家）的百大小说
I stole that from "Infinite Jest"
（无尽嘲讽）偷来的
by David Foster Wallace.
噢，拜托，这么聪明又美丽？
Oh, come on. Smart and pretty?
你一定很受欢迎吼
You must be killing it out there.
有男朋友吧？
You have a boyfriend?
你下一题真的要问这个吗？
Is that really your next question?
好，那你想找什么样的男生？
Okay, so what kind of guy are you looking for?
我没有要找男生
I'm not looking for any kind of guy.
所以你哈女生？
So, you go for girls?
不，我不是蕾丝边
No, I'm not a lesbian.
你是修女？
Are you a nun?
问得好
Good one.
不敢置信你竟然没吃过摩洛哥菜
I can't believe you've never had Moroccan.
我一直都想试试