老娘还没死（2023）

(《索科尔独♥立♥报》)
天啊 你有看到 新饮用水搬运工的小腿肌吗
Oh, my God, did you see the calves on the new Sparkletts guy?
我偷♥拍♥了照片 已经传给你了
I snuck a picture and I've already sent it to you.
-你真是我的好朋友 -就是说啊 谢谢你
- You are such a good friend. - I know. Thank you.
好 我有卡渣吗
Okay, so, how's the wedding?
左边卡了一个罂粟籽 就在...
Oh, there is a poppy seed on the groom's side. Yeah, it's right--
有人说我们太亲密了 但我不懂耶
Some people say that we're too close, but I-I don't get it.
-卡太深了 我们中午见 -好 再见
- It's too deep. - All right. - I will see you at lunch. - Bye.
不
Oh, no.
常常用牙线吗
Eww. Floss much?
奈儿 奈儿赛拉诺
Nell? Nell Serrano?
派珀艾许佛
- Piper Ashford.
我们年纪一样耶
We were the same age.
-对 只是你变老了 -而你死了
Yeah, except you got old. - And you died.
我知道 超悲剧
- I know. Super sadsies.
这里是你工作的地方吗 这是什么工厂吗
So is this where you work? Is this, like, a factory of some kind?
这是新闻室
It's a newsroom.
新闻就像抖音 只是要用阅读的
News is kind of like TikTok, but for people who can read.
我喜欢你的小隔间
I love your tiny little cubby.
这里就像你以前吃午餐的教师休息室
It's kind of like the teachers' lounge that you used to eat lunch in.
你好啊 高手
Howdy, Ace.
抱歉 我在尝试新的问候方式
I'm sorry. I'm trying out new greetings.
-我还在调整 -你果然会和这种怪咖当朋友
It's a work in progress. Of course you're friends with this goober.
总之 不知道你收到 关于那个网红的电子邮件了吗
Anyway, I was wondering if you got my e-mail about the influencer.
其实我跟她上同一所高中
Actually, I went to high school with her.
你知道她怎么死的吗
Do you happen to know how she died?
这不重要
That's not important.
超悲惨 她当时在自♥拍♥ 结果摔下悬崖
It's super tragic. She was taking a selfie and she fell off a cliff.
太完美了
Oh, that is so perfect.
没错 我还在摔下去的过程中上传照片
Yeah, it was. I managed to post it on the way down.
我很担心这份工作让你变冷酷了 奈儿
I'm worried this job is making you callous, Nell.
你不明白 派珀是大烂人
No, you don't understand. Piper was a nightmare.
她以前很残忍♥ 肤浅又自以为是 感觉她现在还是
She was cruel and shallow and conceited and...
既然你们认识彼此
seems like she still is.
如果你需要更多时间也没关系
Since the two of you knew each other, go ahead and take more time with this if you need to.
不用 不...不
Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
-我很快就会写完这篇 -很快
I'll be done with this one real soon. Real soon.
好 来吧 这就是所谓简略的讣闻
Okay, so, here we go. This is what we call a "cursory obituary."
很肤浅 就跟你一样
It's, uh, superficial, just like you.
只是在报纸后面的假牙广♥告♥旁
And it's just a few brief sentences
短短刊登几句话 因为你只配这一点版面
in the back of the paper right next to the denture ads, because that is all you deserve.
真没礼貌
- Rude!
我一点都不想花时间跟你相处
And I don't want to spend any more time with you, so--
-我也是 臭三... -再见
- Same, here, bit-- - Boom!
-你的牙缝卡了罂粟籽 -对
Oh, you have a little poppy seed in your teeth. - Oh. Yeah.
-我可以帮你吗 怎样 -不行 蒂娜
- May I? - No, Tina! - What?
-你不能把手指放进我的嘴巴 -你可以把手指放进我的嘴巴
You cannot put your fingers in my mouth. You can put your fingers in my mouth.
我不想把手指放进你的嘴巴
I don't want to put my fingers in your mouth.
好
Okay.
(还不快乐 还没准备好 还没结婚 还无法活得自♥由♥自在)
(还没有成就感 还没成功 还没赚大钱 还没了却遗憾)
(还没长大)
《老娘还没死》
第一季第三集
我讨厌班在我的午餐餐盒里放鹰嘴豆
Ugh, I hate when Ben packs me chickpeas for lunch.
-小珊 我跟你换你的汉堡 -你疯了
Sammy? - Trade you for your burger. - You're insane.
你竟然还没偷我的薯条
And you haven't stolen a single one of my fries,
怎么了吗
so what is going on?
我今天感觉很怪
Ah, I'm just kind of having a weird day, you know?
我为我高中的女同学写了讣闻
I-I wrote this obituary about a girl I went to high school with,
害我一直想起高中的事
and it's just got me... ugh, thinking about that time.
我爱高中 你们应该猜想得到 在表演艺术的高中里
I loved high school. As you can imagine, at a school for the performing arts,
-我可是风云人物 -你是吗
I was kind of a big deal. - Were you?
我甚至在学校制♥作♥的《报业神童》中 饰演雷斯查克哈金斯
- I even played Racetrack Higgins in our school production of Newsies.
这个经验不仅点燃了我对新闻的热忱
Not only did that role ignite my passion for journalism,
地方报社还称赞我的表演「令人满意」
but also, the local paper raved that my performance was, and I quote, "competent."
我也爱高中
I mean, I also loved high school,
只不过我不受欢迎
except for I wasn't one of the popular kids,
我和大家都是朋友
so I was kind of just friends with everyone.
所有受欢迎的女生都会这么说
That's what all the popular girls say.
我知道 因为我常常说
I should know because I say it all the time.
-什么 -拜托
What?! - Come on.
好 我当时真希望赶快从高中毕业
Okay. I really just couldn't wait till high school was over.
感觉在浪费时间
Just felt like a waste of time.
-我很高兴高中已经结束了 -真的吗
I'm really happy those days are over. Are they, though?
我觉得办公室就像高中 只是有更多八卦
I feel like an office is just a high school
和比较少意外勃起的场面
with more gossip and fewer accidental erections.
的确也是
That kind of is true.
我们都坐在自己的位子 希望别人认可我们
We all sit at our own desks, seeking approval from other people,
而且还有小圈子
and then you've got the cliques.
书呆子 运动狂 很酷的高年级生
The geeks, the jocks, the cool seniors,
模范生 怪咖独行侠
teacher's pet, the weird loner,
而且一定会有超级难搞的女王蜂
and then there's always that one super-intense Queen Bee.
-奈儿 -天啊 怎么了
- Nell? - Oh, God. Yeah?
来办公室见我
I'd like to see you in my office,
但拜托过了三十秒再跟过来
but please don't follow for at least 30 seconds.
我不希望让别人觉得我们俩走在一起
I don't want people to think we're walking together.
一 二...
One, two--
-你不必真的数 没关系 -对
You don't have to count, babe. It's okay. - Are you sure? - Yeah. It's fine.
你想不想写你第一份头版讣闻
How would you like to write your first-ever front-page obituary?
真的吗 我当然想 我绝对不会让你失望 莱克希
Are you serious? Yes. I would. I promise not to let you down, Lexi.
好 很好 就是要写这个人
Okay, great. This is the assignment.
为什么...
Why?
(年度网红节)
我不懂 我已经交了她的讣告
I don't understand. I-I turned in this obit already.
天啊 你好迷恋我
Oh, my God. You're, like, obsessed with me.
对 你已经交了 但那篇...怎么说呢
Yes, you did write it already, but it was-- oh, gosh, what's the term?--
烂到不行
stanky garbage.
我喜欢她
- I like her.
你第一眼看到派珀的IG页面时 注意到什么
What's the first thing you notice about Piper's Instagram?
她「创业家」写错字了
She mangled the spelling of "entrepreneur."
她有四百万追踪人数
She had four million followers.
比布莱丝达拉斯霍华多出两百万 没什么大不了
Two million more than Bryce Dallas Howard. No big deal.
如果你写出温暖又动人的讣闻
Followers that will be driven to the newspaper
我们的报纸就能吸引这些追踪者
if you write a warm and thoughtful obituary.
我讲完话 你就可以走了 看到没
When I stop talking, it means the meeting is over. See?
(我讲完话 你就可以走了)
原来不是在针对我 但还是很伤人
Oh, that makes it less personal. Still hurtful, though.
快点 丹尼斯 投三分球
Take it, Dennis. Three-pointer.
不然你也可以把球丢回来
Or you can just throw it back to us.
你还好吗
You okay?
不 蒂娜又把她的眼皮翻出来了吗
Oh, no. Did Tina flip her eyelids inside out again?
有人在办公室挂了篮框
Someone hung a basketball hoop in the bullpen.
-很酷耶 -才不酷 我不喜欢篮球
- Oh, that's cool. - No, not cool! I don't like basketball.
我知道啊 你以为犹他爵士队 是摩♥门♥教♥摇摆乐团
Duh. You thought the Utah Jazz was a Mormon swing band.
卡尔马龙是一位贝斯乐手的名字
Karl Malone is a bass player's name.
詹皇 看招
LeBron, think fast.
-你吓到我了 很好玩 -谢谢
- That's very good. - Ah, thank you.
真的很好玩
We have fun. We have fun here.
-你知道你应该写什么吗 -什么
You know what you should write about? - Huh?
我的悼念会
- My memorial.
我的葬礼一定是史上最棒
It's gonna be the most fire funeral ever.
整个派珀帮都会到场 凯特琳 麦坎娜 麦坎丝 麦克琳
The whole Piper Posse's gonna be there-- Kaitlyn, Mckenna, Mckenzie, McKaitlyn.
你终于能去参加很棒的派对
And you'll finally be able to go to a cool party.
-我去过很多很棒的派对 -密室逃脱不算
- I go to a lot of cool parties. - Escape rooms don't count.
拼命姊 外头有个妇人要找你
Hey, Cheugy, there's some lady here to see you.
我呢 我叫我朋友不要来公♥司♥找我
Me, I tell my squad not to visit me in the office
因为我跟你不同 我有很高的职业道德
because unlike you, I have a dope work ethic.
-梅森走了 -什么
Mason out.
-她是你妈吗 -不是 是我朋友
- Is that your mom? - No, that's my friend.
-她看起来很像妈妈 她还招手呢 -对
She looks like a mom. Yep. Still waving.
你某天晚上把毛衣放在酒吧里忘了带走
You left your sweater at the bar the other night.
我担心你可能会有点冷
I was worried you might get a little chilly.
而且我带了你最爱的点心给你 就是葡萄酒
And I packed your favorite snack, wine.