老娘还没死（2023）

我年轻那会儿 我们在浴缸里制♥作♥迷幻剂
You know, back in the day, we used to make LSD in the bathtub
然后免费分发
and give it away for free!
该死的 我想念1990年代
Ah, damn, I miss the '90s.
你为什么总盯着手♥机♥
How come your nose is buried in your phone?
老实说 我在想我的前未婚夫是否会费心
Ah, honestly? I was wondering if my ex-fiance was gonna bother
祝我生日快乐 但目前他还没有 所以...
to wish me a happy birthday, but so far, he hasn't, so...
你知道放下一个人最好的方法是什么吗
You know the best way to get over someone?
找个新欢
Get under someone else.
好极了 谢谢你睿智的建议
Awesome. Thank you for your wisdom.
-嘿 -她在这儿呢
Hey! - There she is!
-寿星女孩 -嗨
My birthday girl! - Hi!
-是的 -嗨
- Yes! - Hi.
我知道你说过不收礼物 但我们顺道在加油站停了一下
Okay, I know you said no presents, but we stopped by the gas station
我们给你买♥♥了些东西
- and got you a little something.
你们也太客气了
- Aww, you guys.
避孕套和刮刮乐
Condoms and scratchers?
-因为你今年会转运的 -嘿
'Cause you finna get lucky this year! Hey!
而我们今晚要好好玩一玩 不管谁出现 所以...
And we're gonna have a great time tonight no matter who else shows up. So...
还有谁来
Who else is coming?
嗨 松鼠朋友 抱歉 我迟到了
Hi, squirrel friend. Sorry I'm late.
我不请自来你的生日派对 希望这事不会太奇怪
Well, I hope it's not too weird that I crashed your birthday.
不 完全没有 大家都是同事嘛
No. Not at all. We're co-workers.
不算同事
Well, not exactly "co."
开玩笑的
Kidding.
不过严格来说 这话没毛病
Although technically, that is accurate.
-我是你老板 -对
I mean, I am your boss. Right.
但我想让你知道 我会努力成为
But I just want you to know that I'm going to strive
跟我父亲不一样的老板
to be a different kind of boss than my father was.
我是说 他太甩手掌柜了 而且不了解业内最新情况
I mean, he was just so aloof and out of touch,
如果说我从奥♥运♥会花样骑术选拔赛上
and if I learned anything after I broke my back
摔伤了后背这件事中学到了什么
during the Olympic Dressage trials,
你必须跟你驾驭的马一样强壮
it's that you are only as strong as the horse you're riding.
而你们就是我的马
And you-- you are my horse.
-嘿 莱克西 -我又开始发表奇怪言论和装腔作势了吗
Hey, Lexi? Am I being weird and entitled again?
-是啊 你把我们比作马 -看到了吗 所以我需要你
Yeah, when you referred to us as your horse. See? This is why I need you.
天啊 你提醒我了
Oh, my gosh, that reminds me.
隔离那个周末 我们两家人同在一起隔离圈...
One weekend during quarantine when our families podded together--
你们在一起隔离
You guys podded together?
-是啊 -没错 而且特别有趣
- Yeah. - We did. And it was such fun.
我知道很多人痛恨疫情
I know a lot of people say they didn't enjoy the pandemic,
但我反而越挫越勇
but I really thrived.
总之 有一天晚上 我和萨姆去喝白苏维翁葡萄酒
Anyway, one night, Sam and I got into le sauvignon blanc,
她很坦诚地告诉我 我的一些做法♥会♥让别人不舒服
and she got really honest with me about how I can come off to people,
然后...
and
我很感激我的生命中有你这样的朋友
I'm just very grateful to have a friend like you in my life.
我永远支持你
I got you.
你不介意她在这儿吧
You're okay with her being here, right?
-完全不介意 -好的
Totally. - Yeah. - Yeah.
我只是没意识到你们是真心实意的朋友
I guess I just didn't realize you guys were, like, friends-friends.
-我知道 -但没关系
- I know. But it's fine.
但你要给我重过一次 好吗
You just owe me a do-over, yeah?
-没问题 -太好了 好的
- You got it. - Yes! - Yes.
我有两张这个周六晚上地下舞厅的门票
- Okay, so I got us two tickets to The Underground this Saturday night.
主题是80年代舞会之夜
It's '80s Prom Night.
我打算穿我的婚纱 你可以穿你的伴娘服
I thought I'd wear my wedding dress, you'd wear your maid-of-honors dress.
-不妨拿出来用一用 -我很乐意
Might as well get some use out of it. I would love to do it.
但周六晚上 我已经有约了
It's just that Saturday night, um, I have some plans--
-你跟莱克西有约了 -是啊
You have plans with Lexi. Yeah. I do. I do.
我们差点就唱上去了 就差一点
Don't go breaking my heart ? We almost got it. It was almost there.
给丹尼斯和苏格兰胶带鼓鼓掌
Let's give it up for Dennis and Scotch Tape!
-苏格兰胶带 -是啊 是我们给你取的绰号♥
- Scotch Tape? - Oh, yeah. It's just a nickname we gave you, you know.
就是老朋友间的内部笑话
Just some little inside joke between old friends.
-奈尔 等一下 -怎么了 拜托
Nell, Nell, slow down. - What? Come on. - Nell.
苏格兰胶带 因为你很傲慢自大 听懂了吗
Scotch Tape. Because you're stuck up. Get it?
我们还以为你是苏格兰人
We also thought you were Scottish.
你某天吼了一嗓子 跟《勇敢的心》如出一辙
You screamed one day, and it sounded like Braveheart.
我当时就说 “苏格兰人”
I was like, "Scottish."
拜托 你觉得很好笑 对吗
Come on. You think it's funny, right?
不是只有我这么想
I'm not the only one!
可不是嘛 我去拿包
Yeah, totally. I'm just gonna get my bag.
好了 再喝一轮
All right. Another round of drinks!
布鲁克摩尔公♥寓♥
闪电硬苏打
“如果你读到这张便条 那代表冰箱已经敞开太久了”
"If you're reading this, then the fridge has been open too long."
天啊
Oh, my God.
我是怎么沦落到这步田地的
How did I end up here?
确实如此
Well, it's true.
你永远不知道生活会把你带向何处
You never really know where life is gonna take you.
不准再靠近 我会杀了你
Don't you come any closer. I will kill you.
不用麻烦了 我已经死了
Don't bother. I'm already dead.
你是来杀我的吗
Are you here to kill me?
请不要这么做
Please don't do that. Please, please don't do that.
不 我不是来杀你的
No, I am not here to kill you.
我叫蒙蒂·威克斯伯格
My name is Monty Waxberg.
美味泡泡糖 多汁多乐趣
Yummy Yum Bubble Gum ? Juicy, juicy fun ?
蒙蒂·威克斯伯格创作了你最爱唱的歌♥曲
Ta-da. C'est moi.
不可能 我看不到死人
Nope. Nuh-uh. No. I do not see dead people.
这肯定是因为我吃了麻辣芝士薯条和蛋糕
No, no, no, no. This has just got to be the chili cheese fries
喝了五杯鸡尾酒 也许是那半条可食用大♥麻♥
and the cake and the five cocktails and maybe the half gummy I ate.
冷静点 基思·理查斯
Go easy there, Keith Richards.
你不能发表评论 因为你不是真实的
You cannot comment because you are not real.
所以 我要...我要回我房♥间 锁上门
So, I-- I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna go to my room, and I'm gonna lock the door,
再用一堆很重的箱子挡住
and I'm gonna put a bunch of heavy boxes in front of it.
不是因为我认为你是真实存在的 只是因为我需要做有氧运动
You know, not because I think that you're real,
等我明早醒来后 你就不见了 晚安
And when I wake up in the morning, but just because, uh-- um, I need the cardio. you are gonna be gone! Goodnight!
早上好
- Mornin'!
别过来 你是怎么越过箱子的
Stay back. How did you get past the boxes?
我不知道 我以前没死过
I have no idea. I've never been dead before.
而且 自从我死了 我就不需要上厕所了 这为我节省了很多时间
Also, I haven't had to pee since I died, which frees up a lot of time.
-有人来了 -进来
- Company. - Come in.
你没事吧 我刚到家 我听到你在尖叫
Are you okay? I just got home, and I heard you scream.
你不能...
No.
-我没事 -那就好
- Yeah, I'm okay. - Good.
你能把客厅打扫一下吗 因为到处都是避孕套
Will you clean the living room, please? Because it's filled with condoms.
好啊 你觉得我拿着这个是做什么用的
Duh. Yeah. What do you think I got this is for?
好极了
Okay, nice.
一个有趣的事实
Fun fact--
只有你能看到我
you're the only one that can see me.
-不 -是的
- No! - Yep.
不
No, no! No!
我就是...这到底是怎么回事
This-- What is happening?
这不是真的 我的天啊
This is not happening. Oh, my God.
我知道我最近悲伤过度
I know I've been sad lately,
也许有点抑郁
and maybe even a little depressed, you know?
我没有好好照顾自己 也许我需要多做些锻炼
And I haven't really been taking good care of myself. Maybe I just need to do more exercise.
好吧 我们出去骑个车吧
Oh, okay. Why don't we go for a bike ride?
不用了 谢谢 我要透透气
No, thank you. I need some air.
嘿 Siri 给萨姆发信息
Hey, Siri, text Sam.
抱歉 我昨晚喝多了
"Sorry I got over-served last night.
晚点能一起出来喝个咖啡吗
Can, uh, we grab a cup of coffee later?"
不要吃这家
You don't want to eat here.
原因两个字 蟑螂
Two words-- Cock. Roaches.
不
No!
快走
Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go!
奈尔 下车
Nell! Get out of the car!
就是这个人害死了我
This is the guy that killed me!
-什么 -开玩笑的 是前列腺癌要了我的命
- What? - Just kidding. It was prostate cancer.
别跟着我了
Stop following me!
老天 够了 我要怎么做才能让你离开
Oh, God. Enough. What do I have to do to get you to leave?
我不知道
I don't know.
我也不知道自己为什么在这儿
I have no idea why I'm here.