老娘还没死（2023）

当了15年记者后 我明白了
After 15 years as a journalist, I've learned
用一个抓人眼球的标题吸引读者注意 是多么重要的一件事
it's important to grab the reader's attention with a catchy headline.
这是我的标题 “本地女性 37岁 自毁人生”
Here's mine-- "Local Woman, 37, Ruins Own Life."
五年前 奈尔·塞拉诺放弃了大好前途
Five years ago, Nell Serrano threw away a promising career
为了一个男人搬到伦敦
to move to London for a man.
我在睡觉
I'm sleeping!
她全身心地投入这段感情 直到被当头一棒
She went all-in on love. Until it drop-kicked her in the face.
现在她又回来了 努力保持水分
Now she's back, trying to stay hydrated.
但是嘿 谁需要一份大好前途
But hey, who needs a promising career...
《南加州独♥立♥报》
一场童话般的婚礼
...a fairy-tale wedding...
或是一件干净的内衣 你明明可以穿比基尼泳裤
...or clean underwear... when you can wear bathing suit bottoms.
另一方面
Again.
好消息是 我在分类广♥告♥网站上 遇到的奇怪室友极度懒散
The good news is the weird roommate I met on Craigslist is extremely laid back
而且一点都不会消极抵抗
and not passive aggressive at all.
遛狗
另外 他要求我帮他遛狗 不幸的是 它有便便害羞症
Oh, also, he makes me walk his dog. Unfortunately, he's a shy pooper.
我是说狗 不是室友 太恶心了
The dog, not the roommate. That's gross.
《南加州独♥立♥报》
而这一切让我第一天回老东家工作 就迟到了
And all this made me late for my first day back at my old job.
但至少我占到了最后一个停车位 所以事情还是积极向好的
But at least I got the last parking spot, so things are looking up.
抱歉
Oh. Sorry.
天啊 我得把后备箱收拾一下
Oh, my... I really gotta clean out this trunk.
关于这场持续性灾难的更多信息 敬请期待
More on this ongoing disaster as it unfolds.
还没得到幸福 还没准备好 还没结婚 还没自♥由♥
还没圆♥满♥ 还没成功 还没变富有 还没放弃
还没长大
《老娘还没死》
第一季第一集
你迟到了
- You are late.
但我跟大家说了 你的手♥机♥仍然是英国时间
But I told everyone that your phone was still set on UK time
而且你去献血了 好吗 所以装作晕晕的样子
and that you were donating blood. Okay? So, act kinda woozy.
如果我装作宿醉的样子呢 如果我真的宿醉呢
What if I act hungover? What if I am hungover?
-我为你第一天上班准备了植物 -嘿
So, I got you a plant for your first day. - Hey.
第一天回归旧工作
- Of my old job?
-是啊 这些笔是送给你的生日礼物 -因为我又老了一岁
Yeah, and some pens for your birthday. Oh, 'cause I'm another year older?
-体育版 -闪避
- Sports section. - Go long!
不是 因为我爱你 宝贝
- No, because I love you, baby.
别偷东西 姑娘
No stealing, girls.
-你又不是我领导 -确实
You are not the boss of me. True,
-但我是你的领导 奇怪吗 -你们俩当谁的领导
but I am the boss of you. - Is it weird? It's weird that either of you
都挺奇怪的 说真的
are the bosses of anybody, really.
严格来说 她是生活版的领导
Well, technically, she is the boss...
-这个不算数 -抱歉
...of the lifestyle section... Sorry!
我是都市先生 我必须编辑一篇
"I'm Mr. Metro. I have to edit a six-part series
关于分区细则变化的六部分系列文章
about the changes in the zoning bylaws."
抱歉 你不是要参加一个会议...
I'm sorry, don't you have a meeting to go to about...
我要说关于凉鞋的会议
I want to say sandals.
听着 贱♥人♥
Look, bitch--
事实上 那个凉鞋会议我真的要迟到了
Actually, I am late to a meeting about sandals.
-晚点一起喝咖啡 -好啊
- Coffee later? - Yep.
那么 你要我负责什么领域 城市版 犯罪版
So, what are you gonna put me on? City beat? Crime beat?
死人版
The dead beat.
天啊 你要让我负责写讣告吗
Oh, my God, you're putting me on obituaries?
这是你的新办公室
Here's your new office.
好吧 我不打算撒谎 这是个壁橱
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, this is a closet.
看上去挺大方的
That seems generous.
听着 你总得先站稳脚跟 奈尔
Look, you gotta jump back in somewhere, Nell.
从这个开始 你的第一份讣告
Start here. Your first obit.
蒙蒂·威克斯伯格
Monty Waxberg.
是个音乐家 你也许知道他那首最著名的曲子
A musician you may know for his most famous jingle,
-“美味泡泡糖”广♥告♥曲 -我小时候就讨厌那首歌♥
the "Yummy Yum Bubble Gum" song. I hated that song as a kid.
不要以歌♥取人 奈尔
Don't judge a person by their jingle, Nell.
每个人都有属于他的人生故事 你的工作就是去挖掘这个故事
Everyone has a story, and it's your job to find it.
别动那个管道 会把你的皮烫掉的
And don't touch that pipe. It'll strip your skin.
这顿我请 稍等一下
This is on me. Just give me one sec.
-好了 我帮你拿 天啊 -好了
Oh, here, give me that.
你瞧 这就是我爱你的原因 还是那么懂派对
Oh! See? This is why I love you. Still know how to party.
不行 你的喇叭坏了
No. Your airhorn's broken.
因为那是吸奶器
That is because it is a breast pump.
你记得当年这对美胸 可是闪瞎了多少人的眼
Do you remember when these boobs were for, like, flashing people?
现在是用来给人喂食 我到底怎么了
Now they are for feeding people. What happened to me?
你成了一个超厉害的职场妈妈
You became a badass working mom,
生了两个最可爱的人类幼崽
who made two of my favorite little humans.
是啊 我应该给你提个醒
Yeah, I should warn you,
蒂莉到现在每天上学还穿着那条花朵裙
Tilly still likes to wear her flower girl dress
你最好有点心理准备
to school every day, in case that's a trigger.
可真有一套啊 蒂莉
Way to punch down, Tilly.
所以 等你准备好谈论菲利普了
So, when you are ready to talk about Phillip,
我日记里攒了一堆猛料
I have a bunch of nasty things I have written in my journal
-等不及要跟你分享了 -我不想提这事
that I am so excited to share with you. Eh, I don't want to do that.
你知道我生日想干什么吗 我想像以前一样开派对
You know what I want to do for my birthday? I just want to throw down like we used to
假装我不需要三天时间恢复
and pretend it's not gonna take me three days to recover.
-好吗 -好的
- Okay? - Okay!
天啊 挡住我
Oh, God. Oh, no. Hide me.
-不行 快挡住我 -什么鬼 怎么了 在哪 谁来了
- Oh. Unh-uh. Nope. Hide me. - What? - Oh, hide me. - What? Why? Where? What? Who?
是苏格兰胶带
It's Scotch Tape.
奈尔 你现在不能这么叫她了 好吗
Yeah, Nell, you can't call her that anymore, okay?
莱克西是你老板了
Lexi is your boss now,
而且 虽然听起来很难以置信 但我们已经成了...
and as crazy as it sounds, - we have actually become...
-我会打爆你的脸 -工作朋友
- I will smack your face. - ...work friends.
什么 我们讨厌她
- What? We hate her!
我知道 我很抱歉
I know. I'm so sorry.
她能找到这份工作的唯一原因是 他老爸是报社老板
The only reason why she has this job is because her dad owns the newspaper.
并且拥有半个帕萨迪纳
And half of Pasadena.
我知道 她很有钱 而且有点奇怪
Yeah, I know. She's a little rich and weird,
她认为“老海军”是军队的一个分支
and she thinks that Old Navy is a branch of the military,
但当你成为职场妈妈后 就很难遇到其他职场妈妈了
but when you are a working mom, it is hard to meet other working moms.
什么 不是吧 都市版的迪娜呢
What? No. What about Tina from Metro?
她以前总谈起她家孩子 很有爱的
She used to always talk about her kids. It was sweet.
那些孩子其实是布娃娃
They were dolls.
大家都很担心迪娜的精神状况
Everyone's really worried about Tina.
-嗨 迪娜 -嗨
- Hi. - Hi, Tina.
布鲁克摩尔公♥寓♥
这是什么
What's this?
要不要这么感人啊
You shouldn't have.
希望这颗里面没有莓果
Let's hope there's no cherries in this one.
是焦糖的
It's caramel.
斯坦福
你毕业于斯坦福
Did you go to Stanford?
是啊 你为什么在吃 我给女朋友买♥♥的巧克力
Yeah. Why are you eating the chocolates I got for my girlfriend?
因为今天是我的生日
Because it's my birthday
-我以为你特意买♥♥给我的 -不是
and I thought you got them for me. No.
好恶心 我要去圣迭戈
Gross. I'm going to San Diego,
去见我女朋友 没有巧克力
without chocolates, to visit my girlfriend.
所以请记得遛亚瑟
So, please remember to walk Arthur
用可降解的粪便袋 而不是让狗憋着
and use compostable poop bags instead of telling the dog just to hold it.
另外 如果你把空调调到20摄氏度以上
And if you raise the heat above 68,
- Nest温控器会给我发警报 -是 船长
- the Nest will alert me. - Aye-aye, Captain.
-你生日有什么安排吗 -有
Do you have any plans for your birthday? Oh, yeah.
我要开一个盛大的派对 我在考虑
I'm gonna throw a massive rager, and I'm thinking
买♥♥几桶啤酒 或许请个雷鬼乐队
of getting a couple of kegs and maybe even a reggae band,
然后在你的健身单车旁狠狠来几发
and I'm gonna do it right over there by your Peloton.
不行 不能在这儿 我们说好的
No! You can't do it here. We have an agreement.
你的租约上写得很清楚 任何访客都需要预授权...
Your lease specifically states that any guests need to be pre-authorized...
-你在开玩笑 -显然是啊
- You're joking? - Obviously, dude.
老兄 你是有阿斯伯格症吗
What, do you have like Asperger's or something?
我确实有
I do.
你真的有 天啊 我很抱歉我调侃了你
You do? Oh, my God, I am so sorry I said that.
我没有 你以为我有阿斯伯格症吗
I don't. You thought I had Asperger's?
-有点 -我确实有
I mean, kind of. I do.
好了 祝你周末愉快
All right, have a good weekend.
鸡尾酒 营业
好啦好啦卡拉OK
谢谢
Ah, thank you.
哇 一杯鸡尾酒14块
Wow. $14 bucks for a cocktail.