老娘还没死（2023）

- Hold on. One second.
你要把这篇讣闻给他
Uh, you're giving him the assignment?
他只是个实习生
He's a freaking intern!
我是达特茅斯学院校报编辑 你这老丑八怪
I was the editor of the paper at Dartmouth, you old crone.
安静
Silence!
我小时候
When I was a child,
我父亲每晚都告诉我和我的兄弟们
every night, my father would tell my brothers and me
他只有力气好好抱一个人
that he only had enough energy for one good night hug.
说出最好理由的人 就能赢得拥抱
Whoever made the best case for it would win his prized embrace.
难怪变得这么讨人厌
This explains so much.
有竞争对手时 大家才会好好表现
People work better when they're in competition.
因此 你们两个都要写派珀的讣闻
Therefore, both of you will write Piper's obituary,
写比较好的人就能赢得上头版的机会
and whoever does a better job will win the front page.
把这想成你们俩要争夺我的拥抱
Think of it as though you're both competing for my hug.
不过我绝对不会碰你们
Although I will never touch either of you.
(葵克莉轻松小酌)
她把它变成比赛吗
She turned it into a contest?
现在梅森要去派珀的悼念会 所以我也得去
And now Mason's going to Piper's memorial, so I have to go, too.
我脑中那个愚蠢的负能量声音 只会越来越吵
Ugh, and that stupid, negative voice in my head... is only gonna get louder.
你知道年纪渐长的好处是什么吗
You know what's great about getting older?
你已经听腻了那些讨人厌的闲言闲语
You have heard everything that those voices have to say,
然后就不在意了
and you just stop listening.
我妈常说我们不该...
You know, my mom said that you shouldn't allow yourself to become a pessimist.
天啊 我怎么会相信你
Oh, my God. How could I have had faith in you?
我以为你真的能写好
I thought you would pull this off.
你已经成年了 还在听这个妇人给你建议吗
You're a grown woman and you're taking advice from this lady?
-耗尽我们的创意 -你何不跟你的妈妈朋友说
...the enemy of creativity. Why don't you tell your mom friend
你脑中的负能量声音其实是鬼
that this negative voice inside your head is actually a ghost?
她一定不会觉得你疯了
I'm sure she won't think you're psycho at all.
因为你内心深处知道 你只是个可悲的废物
Because deep down, you know that you're a sad little loser
现在你连一个讣闻都写不好
and now you can't even write one single obituary.
认清现实吧 小奈 你高中之后就在走下坡
Face it, Nelly. You peaked in high school.
你可以闭嘴吗
Would you just stop?!
抱歉 我只是...我只是想要帮你
I'm sorry. I was just-- I was just trying to help you.
抱歉 不 我...我不是...
Sorry. No, I-I didn't-- I--
不是因为你 我...我们改天见 好吗
It's, uh-- It's not you. I... I'll-- I'll see you later, okay?
(派珀) (#派珀变天使了)
看看这些赞助商
Look at all the sponsors.
我最后一则IG贴文
Aw, my very last Instagram post.
那是拍照人像
Oh, there's the photo ops,
还有欧姆蛋摊位
and there's the omelet bar.
我在遗嘱中精心安排过了
You know, I curated all of this in my will.
对 你提过大概七次
Yeah, you mentioned that, like, seven times.
我去看看他们有没有盖沉思蒙古包
I better see if they set up the refection yurt.
看看这是谁啊
Well, well, well. Look what the cat threw up.
你干嘛打扮成东尼索波诺啊
Why are you dressed like Tony Soprano?
不要因为嫉妒就酸我
Oh, don't be a hater 'cause you're jelly.
头版是我的了 你还是回家吧 老婆婆
The front page is mine, so you might as well go home, Grandma.
有吉拿棒
Ooh, churros!
这个座位有人坐了吗
Hey, is this seat taken?
我知道你今天很不想来这里
I knew this was the last place you wanted to be today.
所以我决定来陪你
So I decided to come give you some emotional support.
谢谢你 葵克莉
Thank you, Cricket.
我的事业可能完蛋了 但至少我还有我的朋友
My career might be ending, but at least I got my friend with me.
没错
Yes, you do.
好 来吧
Okay. All right.
篮框架好了 告诉我 你的终极目标是什么
She is on there. Now tell me-- What is the ultimate goal?
在百老汇饰演尚万强
To play Jean Valjean on Broadway.
还有克服恐惧 成功投篮
And to conquer your fear and make a basket.
我本来要这么说 但首先...
- Yeah, mm-hmm. I was gonna say that, but the first thing--
好
All right.
听我说
Now, you listen to me.
等我帮你克服恐惧后
When I'm done with you, this entire newsroom
你就能在整个新闻室的人面前射篮
is gonna see you drain one from downtown.
-我很喜欢他们的球衣 -专心点
I really like their costumes. Focus!
-快点 -就像鱼一样
In. Let's go! - Like a fish.
快点
- Let's go.
那是什么鬼
What the was that?
不要多想 投就对了 投篮
Now take the shot, take the shot!
-很接近了 -准备好了
Close. Mm-hmm. - And set.
好
Okay.
很接近
Very close.
好 不需要运球
Okay. We don't need to dribble.
双手放的位置
You want to put your hands
就和玛丽亚凯莉在唱转音时一样
in the same position as Mariah Carey doing a vocal run.
-这样我就懂了 -好
That I understand. Okay. - Okay.
我们也可以直接烧掉这栋大楼
I mean, we could just burn the entire building down.
这当然是史上最完美的葬礼
Of course this is the most perfect funeral in history.
我不觉得有一堆赞助商就代表葬礼很完美
I'm not so sure sponsorship is what makes a good funeral.
她懂什么啊 她大概还在用脸书吧
What the heck does she know? She's probably still on Facebook.
如果派珀帮在这里 她们一定很爱我刚刚呛她的话
If the Piper Posse were here, they would have loved that sick burn.
她们在哪
Where are they?
要我说的话 这有点可悲耶
If you ask me, it's-- it's kind of sad.
不是悼念会应该有的感伤气氛
And not the way memorials are supposed to be sad.
你看
Check that out.
蒙提过世时
When Monty died,
大家都争相要上台为他致词
everyone wanted to make a speech about him.
大家讲了好几个小时
I mean, it went on for hours.
派珀也许有四百万名追踪者
Piper may have had four million followers,
但我猜她没有太多朋友
but I'm guessing she didn't have a lot of friends.
我有朋友 我有一大堆朋友
I have friends. I have tons of friends.
他们应该还在停车
They're probably just parking.
其实你也许说得对
You know what? Maybe you're right.
我觉得她没有真正的朋友
I mean, I-I don't think she had any real friends.
甚至连派珀帮都不是
Not even the Piper Posse.
你嗑药喔 我跟麦卡莉和麦肯莎 一起乱入姐妹会耶
- Are you high? I rushed Delta Gamma with McCauley and McKendra.
对 她对那些女生颐指气使 但只是为了得到她们的认可
Yeah, she ruled over those girls, but it was only for their approval.
不是因为她们是朋友
Not because they were friends.
即使在社群媒体出现前 派珀也只有...
Even before social media, Piper only had...
跟随者
followers.
真不敢相信我竟然觉得她很可怜
I can't believe I actually feel sorry for her.
拜托
Please.
-我马上回来 -好
Huh. I'll be back. - All right.
你要干嘛 你要去哪 喂
- What are you doing? Where are you going? Hello?
不好意思...
Excuse me, e--
不好意思 打扰大家一下 嗨
Excuse me, everyone. Hey. Hi.
我是奈儿赛拉诺 我是派珀的高中同学
Uh, I'm, uh, Nell Serrano. I went to high school with Piper,
我上台为她致词有点怪 因为她以前常欺负我
and it is a little odd that I'm the one up here because she was my bully.
我才没有 你这丑八怪给我闭嘴 屁塔朵
No, I was not! You shut your ugly face, Fart-ado!
高中时期 派珀似乎充满自信 很受欢迎
Uh, when I was young, Piper seemed confident and popular,
但现在我也看到了她的另一面
but now I can see another side to her,
她大概和我一样没有安全感
a side that was probably just as insecure as I was.
我们竭尽所能要营造我们想要的形象
As much as we try to curate the way people see us...
没人知道我们真实的感受
no one knows what's really going on inside.
我们没办法浓缩成一个主题标签或自♥拍♥照
You know, we can't be reduced to a hashtag or a selfie,
因为每个人都很复杂
because we're all so complicated.
有些人终其一生逃离自身恐惧
Some of us spend our lives running from our fears
最后才鼓起勇气面对
before gathering the courage to face them.
有些人还是很努力要融入风云人物的圈子
Some of us are still trying to fit in with the cool kids.
有些人则努力要弥补以往的过错
And some of us are trying to atone for the kid we used to be.
社群媒体上吸引人的滤镜
All those flattering filters on social media made
把派珀塑造成完美的女神
Piper seem like a perfect goddess,
但是...
but, uh, she had--
她脑中也有充满负能量的声音
She had a negative voice in her head, too.
有趣的是 我们内心那些尖锐的声音
The funny thing about that mean and internal voice is that it only hurts
只有在我们相信时才会伤人
when we start to believe it for ourselves.
所以我们需要用善良和关爱的声音
That's why we need a kind and loving voice
告诉那残酷的声音闭嘴
that can tell that cruel voice to shut the hell up.
我真心认为派珀一生中 理应要有人对她说好话
I really think that Piper deserved to have a kind voice in her life
告诉她 她已经很棒了
that told her that she was good enough,
就算没有这些赞助商也是
even without all these sponsors.
无论她现在在哪...