老娘还没死（2023）

谢谢你 葵克莉
Aww, thank you, Cricket.
我今天可能开始在上班时喝酒
Today might be the day I start drinking on the job.
-你还好吗 -我有个头版要写
Are you okay? I got the front page story,
这对我的职涯意义非凡
which is a huge step in my career,
但我要写的人竟然是我高中的坏女生
but the woman that I'm writing about was a mean girl at my high school,
我脑中又出现了她充满负能量的声音
and I'm just-- Ugh, I'm just kind of starting to get her negative voice in my head again.
你知道坏女生为什么那么坏吗
Do you know why mean girls are so mean?
因为她们内心深处没有安全感
Because deep down inside, they are insecure.
是这样吗
You think so?
珍妮惠特欺负我两年 因为她嫉妒我
Jenny Witt tormented me for two years because she was jealous of me.
再说 我的确抢走了她的男友
On the other hand, I did steal her boyfriend.
好棒棒
Noice.
谢谢你 葵克莉 我应该回去工作了
Uh, thank you, Cricket. I should probably get back to work.
-好 -谢谢你
- Okay. - Thank you, thank you.
-再见 -再见
Bye. - Bye.
我真不敢相信你要负责写出
I can't believe you're in charge
关于我的最后一篇文章
of the last thing that's ever gonna be written about me.
我不希望我的讣闻很烂
I don't want an obituary that sucks, okay?
不会很烂
It won't suck.
不过写你的讣闻 就像是要让兴登堡号♥空难
Although, writing about you is like trying to put
变得好一点
a positive spin on the Hindenburg.
首先 没人听得懂你奇怪的比喻
Number one-- No one understands your weird references.
第二点 如果你不好好处理
And, "B," if you don't figure this out,
你就会像你在九年级时一样大出洋相
you're totally gonna boof this, just like you did in the ninth grade.
-我不知道你在说什么 -你不记得...
I don't know what you're talking about. You don't remember
你高一的演讲吗
your speech from freshman year?
(1999年学生会)
身为《斗牛犬报》的编辑
As editor of the Bulldog Gazette,
我完全理解财政责任...
I understand that fiscal responsibility is--
是至高无上的誓言
...is a profoundly solemn oath...
你好烂 小奈屁塔朵
You suck, Nelly Fart-ado!
尽管笑吧 我总有一天会主掌《纽♥约♥时♥报♥》
Go ahead, laugh. One day, I'm gonna be running The New York Times
和乔许哈奈特出去约会
and hanging out with Josh Hartnett.
真有趣 我不记得这件事
Interesting. I do not remember that.
看来你也没有达成职涯目标嘛
Yeah, you didn't exactly reach your career goals, did you?
那位应该也不是乔许哈奈特
And I don't think that's Josh Hartnett.
我才不管你说什么 我是出色 成功的记者
You know, I don't care what you say. I'm a strong, successful journalist.
也许你成功骗了这些蠢蛋 但我知道事实
Maybe you fooled these dorks into believing that, but I know the truth.
你没有自信 小奈 你知道你没办法写好讣闻
You're still insecure Nelly, and you know you're not gonna be able to pull this off.
天啊 我需要休息一下
Oh, my God. I need a break
果然是屁塔朵
Classic Fart-ado.
嗨
Hey.
你能看一下我正在写的讣闻吗
Could you read this obit that I'm working on?
好啊 反正我没什么重要的事
Sure. It's not like I'm trying to do anything important,
-例如打破杜宇生的世界纪录 -很好
like beat Yusheng Du's world record! Great.
-派珀艾许佛死了 -你认识她吗
- Piper Ashford died? - You knew her?
-我有追踪她 -当然啦
- I follow her. - Of course you did.
她认为森林砍伐超悲剧
She thinks deforestation's super sadsies.
高尔应该也说过喔
I think Al Gore said the same thing.
你好像话中带刺喔
I'm sensing some sarcasm there, huh?
我跟派珀一起长大 她真的是大烂咖
I grew up with Piper. She was a real butt-munch,
但还好我现在明白她只是嫉妒
but now, luckily, I understand that she was, uh, just jealous.
「他们只是嫉妒你」
"They're just jealous of you"
只是父母用来安慰孩子 毫无意义的陈腔滥调
is an empty platitude that parents tell their kids to make them feel better.
小时候有27个人霸凌我 他们每个的身心状况都很好
I had 27 childhood bullies, and they were all very well-adjusted.
太好了 能拜托你看一下吗 这要上头版
Neat. Great. Can you please read this? It's for the front page.
-很棒 -真的吗
- It's great. - Really?
冷酷又没感情
It's cold and dry.
就像不带人类情感的条列式重点
It's like a list of bullet points without any human emotion.
-我相当有共鸣 -太棒了 谢谢
I connect strongly to it. Awesome. Thanks.
为什么你把门关着
Why is your door closed?
-天啊 你在躲大家吗 -你才在躲大家
Oh, my God. Are you hiding? You're hiding!
-是因为那个篮框吗 怎么了 -坐下
Is this about that basketball hoop? - Sit. - What?
我告诉你一个小男孩的故事 他狂野帅气
Let me tell you a story of a little boy... whose rugged good looks
常常有人说他像年轻的丹佐华盛顿
were often compared to that of a young Denzel Washington.
对 有一天 那个男孩遇到一群社区里的青少年
Yes. One day, said boy happened upon some neighborhood youths
他们正在玩他们口中的「街头篮球」
who were playing a game they called "street ball."
他们邀请他一起...
They invited him to join.
你知道我知道那男孩就是你吧
You know I-I know you're talking about you, right?
那个男孩很害怕 毕竟他从没投过球
- The boy was frightened. - After all, he had never thrown a ball before.
-完全没有吗 -海诗表演艺术学院里
- Like, ever? - There were no sports at the Hirsch Academy
没有运动课程
for Performing Arts.
但他的戏剧老师常说
But his acting teacher often said,
「新的人生经验会成为新的演戏养分」
"New life experiences become new acting experiences."
于是那个男孩决定尝试
So the boy knew he had to try.
我两点要开会 我该...
I have a meeting that starts at 2:00, so I should--
那男孩双手拿起了球 瞄准篮框
The boy grasped the ball in his hands, aimed it towards the hoop,
但他投出球时 球却违反了物理法则
but when he threw it, somehow, against the very laws of physics,
直直往上飞又掉了下来 砸中他的眼镜 弄断了他的鼻子
it went straight up, came down, smashed his glasses, broke his nose,
那男孩看到血吐了出来 然后昏倒
and at the sight of blood, the boy threw up and fainted
就在篮球场地上
right there on the basketball field.
那其实叫做「篮球场」
It's technically called a court.
这不只是办公室的活动
This is about more than just an office game.
我最终会有小孩 然后他们会说
Eventually, I'm gonna have a little kid, and they'll go,
「爸爸 要不要投球 」
"Daddy, you wanna shoot some hoops?"
我就必须说:「不 谢谢 爸爸运动神经不好」
And I'll have to say, "No, thank you. Daddy's not very athletic."
我的孩子就会笑我
And then my kid will laugh at me.
我就会无地自容
And I will literally dissolve into a puddle of shame.
天啊 不 丹尼斯 我很抱歉
Oh, my God. No, Dennis. I'm so sorry.
我不知道你这么害怕
I didn't realize how scary this is for you.
嗨 为什么门关着
Hey. Hey! Why's the door closed?
快进来
- Get in here.
我告诉你一个小男孩的故事
Let me tell you the story of a little boy
-他遇到了一群社区里的青少年... -这故事很长
who came upon some neighborhood youths. Oh, okay, so this is a very long story.
-没关系 我再告诉她 -好
It's okay. I'll fill her in later. - Okay.
你讣闻写得如何
So, what is going on with the obit?
天啊 我遇到瓶颈了
Oh, God, I'm having writer's block.
我该怎么称赞吹捧
I mean, how am I supposed to write something nice
以前老是叫我小奈屁塔朵的人
about a girl that used to call me "Nelly Fart-ado"?
这好好笑
That's a good one.
我以前常常帮高中同学取绰号♥
I mean, I used to actually come up with nicknames for people all the time in high school.
有个女生叫莎拉 我都叫她贝蒂
Like, there was this girl called Sarah. I called her Betty.
人家叫莎拉 你怎么会叫成贝蒂
How did you get Betty from Sarah?
她老是汗流浃背 我们就叫她汗臭贝蒂
She was always sweating all the time, so we called her Sweaty Betty,
-最后就变成贝蒂了 -这样超级坏耶
and then it just became Betty. That is extremely mean.
什么 不会 她很喜欢 她会哈哈大笑 然后就哭了...
What? No! She loved it. She laughed until she cried.
-我是... -恶霸吗
- Was I... - A bully?
-很糟糕那种 -对 绝对是
- Like, a bad one. - Yes, definitely.
我得好好赎罪
I need to atone for that sin.
可惜你没办法回到过去好好做人
Too bad you can't go back in time and not be a dick.
但我能帮你克服篮球恐惧
But I could help you get over your fear of basketball.
你给我钱就好
I'd rather have cash.
等你成功克服后 没人会叫你「吓客欧尼尔」
Then when I'm done with you, nobody is gonna call you "Shaquille O'Squeal,"
赖皮柏德 灾难强森...
"Larry Turd," "Tragic Johnson"--
-好姊妹 不要再说了 拜托 -你有听到你在说什么吗
- Mama, no. Do you hear yourself? Can you please stop, por favor?
太过分了
It's too much.
奈儿赛拉诺 能到会议室见我吗
Nell Serrano, could you come see me in the conference room?
奈儿赛拉诺 到会议室见我
Nell Serrano to the conference room.
她什么时候安装广播系统的
When did she install a P.A. system?
昨晚
Last night.
奈儿 我想确认头版讣闻的进度
Nell, I wanted to check in on how the front-page obituary is coming.
我正在写 对 但进度有点慢
It's, uh, going okay. Yeah. A little slow, I guess.
你重新开始工作后
Ever since you started,
就一直央求我让你大显身手
you have been begging me for a seat at the dinner table.
现在我给了你机会
Now here I am with a chair pulled out for you,
你却摆烂 不好好把握
and you are off pooping in the guest house.
梅森
Mason!
就是我 你需要什么 宝贝
- That's my name. Whatchu need, baby girl?
你想要写头版讣闻吗
How would you like to write a front-page obituary?
好啊 要写谁
Yes. Who's the subject?
等等 等一下