消消气（2000）

I never thought I would live
to see this day.
没想到我能活著见证这天
- Larry. Hey.
- Oh, hey.
赖瑞
我帮你拿了一杯水
- I got you a glass of water.
- Oh, water?
水？
Yeah, just to make sure
you're not impaired
确保你致词前身体无恙
when you're up on the podium.
Okay. Something's
going on here with you.
好，你显然有什麽心事
Since I walked into the glass door
从我撞到玻璃门后
你就当我是残废似的
you're treating me
like I'm an invalid.
Things changed when that happened.
那件事情过后，情况就变了
- Oh, did they?
- Yeah.
真的吗？
I don't see you
in a sexual way anymore, so...
对，你在我眼中不再性感
Hey, I'm as virile as I was
three days ago.
我跟三天前一样勇猛
And I was plenty virile then.
And I'm plenty virile now.
我那时生猛有力
现在也生猛有力
And I could prove it to you.
Let's go upstairs.
我能证明给你看，跟我上楼
Come on. I'll prove it to you.
You wanna test it?
走啊，我证明给你看
－你想验证吗‥？
－我不想验证
- You wanna test it? Test me.
- No, I don't wanna test it.
测试看看啊‥你敢不敢？
Test me. Come on. I dare you.
- Take care.
- Test me.
－你保重
－测试我啊
Watch out for glass.
小心玻璃
Hey, one day, you're gonna run
into glass. It's unavoidable.
你有天也会撞到玻璃
那是无可避免的
I think we should go.
我们该走了
Larry, let's go. Thanks for the tie.
＂赖瑞，开始吧
谢谢你繫领带来＂
Okay. Hey, everybody,
let's get started.
好了，各位，准备开始了
Welcome, everyone.
Thank you for coming.
欢迎各位，谢谢你们前来
It saddens me personally
to be here today
今天站在这裡令我很悲伤
mainly because my dear friend,
Albert Brooks, is very much alive.
主因是我的好友艾伯特布鲁克斯
还活得好好的
Oh, don't do that.
别开这种玩笑
It would've given Albert
tremendous satisfaction
艾伯特将会感到无比欣慰
to see all these people gathered here
to pay their last respects to a man
看见大家齐聚一堂
为他献上最后的敬意
they will see again
in less than an hour.
然后不出一小时又能见到他
Come on, man.
够了吧
I'm very sorry that Albert
is faux dead.
很遗憾，艾伯特是假死
Get the next person, please.
请下一个人上台
因为我本来要留假钱给他
'Cause I was going to leave him
some faux money.
And know this, nobody loved Christ
more than Albert.
还有别忘了
没人比艾伯特更爱基♥督♥
Big Jesus guy. Big.
他超爱耶稣的，超级爱
Is that true? Have you accepted
Christ into your heart?
－真的，你内心接纳基♥督♥了？
－你跟著疯了吗？
Are you crazy?
Albert is the one who inspired me
to become a stand-up comedian.
启发我当单口喜剧演员的人
就是艾伯特
And that, more than anything,
makes me wish he was really dead.
正因如此，我巴不得他真死了
I hate him.
我恨他
And now, I'd like to bring up
another friend of Albert's
接著要邀请另一位艾伯特的朋友
who was also coerced into doing this,
Mr. Jon Hamm.
他也被强迫上台说话
欢迎乔汉姆先生
－终于
－好兴奋，没想到你认识他
I'm so excited. I can't believe
you know Jon Hamm.
So much tsuris.
十分＂悲痛＂
They say laughter
is the best medicine.
常言道欢笑是良药
And if that is the case,
then Albert overmedicated us all.
若果真如此
艾伯特害我们都用药过度了
- That's sweet. I know.
- He's funny.
－说得好，是啊
－真风趣
I'm sure many of you
will stand up here
很多人一定也想上台讚扬
and praise the genius of this
inward-gazing comedy savant
这位有才华又会内省的喜剧家
and you'd be right to.
这麽想也是对的
He was my absolute hands-down
favorite comedian of all time.
他绝对是我史上最爱的喜剧演员
And now he's been taken from us
far too soon.
然而他却太早离开我们
Albert was one of the great
American filmmakers
艾伯特是伟大的美国制片人
of his, or of any, generation...
放诸同世代或任何世代皆准
- Where you going?
- Bathroom.
你要去哪裡？
－厕所
－你好了换我
I'm after you.
Don't let anybody else go in.
别让其他人进去
That was the movie I always wanted
to make about jealousy.
我一直想拍这种
以猜忌为题的电影
That is how much his art resonated
with all of us.
他的艺术也总能引起众人的共鸣
Before I got a chance to know him
as a friend, I was just a fan.
在我有幸成为他的朋友前
我只是个影迷
I wish I had one more chance
just to tell him
真希望我还有机会告诉他
how much Lost in America
resonated with me.
＂迷失的美国人＂
带给我的影响有多大
Oh my God.
天哪
He's a COVID hoarder.
Albert Brooks is a COVID hoarder.
他是新冠囤货者
艾伯特布鲁克斯是新冠囤货者
- Ah, he's a f**kin' COVID hoarder.
- He's a COVID hoarder.
他是该死的新冠囤货者
- Albert's a COVID hoarder.
- Are you kidding me?
－艾伯特是新冠囤货者
－这是真的吗？
- Look at this, Jon Hamm.
- What the f**k?
－乔汉姆，你看
－什麽？
What are you doing in the closet?
没事开储藏室干吗？
- What's going on here?
- Look at all that toilet paper.
这是怎麽回事？
瞧瞧那堆卫生纸
And Purell.
－还有乾洗手液
－那些全能供急救人员使用
First-responders could've used
all of that stuff.
Why are people in that closet?
大家为何挤在那裡？
等等，你真是囤货者吗？
Wait a minute.
Are you really a COVID hoarder?
Hey, hey.
- This is unacceptable.
- What's going on here?
完全无法接受
这是怎麽了？
The f**k is wrong with you?
You're sittin' over there
你有毛病吗？
竟然囤了一整间的卫生纸
with a closet
full of f**kin' toilet paper?
- Jesus Christ.
- Have you no shame, Albert?
天哪
－你不觉得丢脸吗？
－难以置信
（意第绪语）真可耻‥
- A shanda!
- Have you no shame?
I just moved in here.
This used to be a CVS.
我刚搬来而已
这裡以前是便利超商
You know what, I hope you really die.
你知道吗？
我希望你真死了
Jon! This was beautiful. Come back.
乔，刚才很感人，回来啊
- Come on, Jeff, we're out of here.
- This is a mistake.
杰夫，我们走吧
这是误会
You disgust me.
你令我作呕
Shame on you, Albert Brooks!
艾伯特，你真可耻
太可耻了‥
Come back! I've got flu shots.
回来，我注射流感疫苗了