消消气（2000）

- Yeah.
- Yeah, anti-Semitic, but funny.
- Yeah.
反犹太，但很搞笑
You know, I'm a huge fan of Albert's.
我超喜欢艾伯特的
I haven't had sex in a year,
so I'm really excited.
而且我一整年没做♥爱♥了
所以现在很兴奋
－靠边停，我不去了
－别这样嘛
- Pull over. I'm done.
- Oh, no... no.
艾伯特，赖瑞跟我说
你要替自己办丧礼？
So Albert, Larry told me that
you're having a funeral for yourself.
对，我称之为＂生前丧礼＂
Yeah. And I called it
a "live funeral."
- Right. Oh, that's great. Yeah.
- So what is that about?
－真是个好主意
－这是怎麽回事？
So in the last three years,
I've been to five real funerals.
过去三年，我参加了五场丧礼
－天哪
－我心想亲友齐聚一堂
- Oh, God.
- The idea that people get together
and friends get together
and say wonderful things
说出那些追思的话
should be done to a person
who can hear it.
应该让当事人听见才对
I love that idea.
－说得有道理
－真的
And so it's just a different way
of thinking about it.
所以这只是换个角度思考
I can't stand that all this praise
is going to somebody in a box.
我无法忍♥受讚美是对著遗体讲
你只是无法忍♥受讚美对著别人讲
You can't stand that the praise
is going to somebody else.
- I will bet money this catches on.
- Okay, you're on.
我敢打赌这会成为趋势
好，我跟你赌
Wait a second.
So he was dead in the pool?
等等，他死在你家泳池？
Dead, completely dead.
死了，死透了
他怎麽会掉进泳池？
How does a guy get in the pool?
Don't you have a fence?
你家没围篱吗？
That's city code.
那是市府法规
That's right. It's actually a law.
没错，有法律规定的
In Santa Monica,
you have to have a fence.
在圣摩尼加就得加装围篱
All right, can we talk
about something else?
能聊些别的吗？
So, everybody, announcement to make.
对了，各位
我有事情要宣佈
Mary and I are going
on a trip to Asia.
我和玛丽要去亚州旅游
- Wow.
- Wow.
－真的吗？
－太棒了
In a few months.
几个月后才会成行
We already got our seats
picked out already
－不过我们已经选好机位
－对
- on the plane.
- Yeah.
- Reservations already made.
- And where, China?
行程也预订好了
要去哪儿？
中国吗？
All over that motherf**ker.
Everywhere.
到处去玩‥
- Everywhere.
- By the way, expensive trip, no?
这样的话，所费不赀吧？
F**k yeah, it was. Had to do
a little GoFundMe.
当然了，还得上网群募呢
What did you tell them?
You must have had a sad story.
写了什麽理由？
一定是个悲伤的故事吧
我说要带我亲爱的‥
I said, I'm taking my baby,
"my baby" to Asia.
带我亲爱的去亚州
That was it?
And people gave you money?
这样大家就给你钱？
- F**k, yeah.
- I think it's brilliant.
－当然了
－真是聪明
－改天我也要试试
－得了吧
- I'm gonna try it.
- Come on.
No, really "'My baby'
has never seen a Ferrari.
真的，我的爱人没看过法拉利
Please, if you wanna send us to Italy
to pick it up from the factory."
拜託，把我们送去
义大利原厂取车吧
Gosh. Look, I'm gonna go check
on dinner, okay?
我去看晚餐好了没有
I'll come and help you.
我来帮你
苏西，我一来就注意到你的手镯
Susie, I've been looking
at your bracelet since I got here.
- Can I... Can we...
- Is this stunning?
－漂亮吗？
－美极了
Oh, it's incredible.
I got this at Dennis Zweibel's
jewelry store.
从丹尼斯兹维贝的珠宝店买♥♥的
- Oh, my God.
- It looks like an antique.
－不会吧
－看起来好像古董
－丹尼斯兹维贝？
－对
- Dennis Zweibel?
- Yeah.
那傢伙欠我六千元长达半年
The guy owes me $6,000
for six months.
I asked for the money,
he got like completely offended.
我去要钱，他还生气
你不必去要钱啊
You don't need to ask him for money.
那我得等多久？
半年，一年，十年？
I mean, how long do I have to wait,
six months, a year, ten years?
When are you allowed to ask a person
for their money back?
何时才能向人讨钱？
不好说，九个月吗？
- I don't know. Nine months.
- I'm not the bad guy here.
我不是坏人，我又没做错事
I didn't do anything wrong.
I loaned him the money.
是我借钱给他
Maybe you're not the bad guy.
也许你不是坏人
但你要学著有同情心
But you need to learn
some compassion.
- Oh my God!
- Wow.
－天哪
－这下惨了
- Jeez.
- What did you do?
你做了什麽‥？
What did I do? You plopped down
on the couch.
怎麽会问我呢？
是你重重地坐下来
－我没有那样
－你有
- I didn't plop.
- You plopped.
是你太瘦，连杯子都拿不稳
You are so f**king skinny, your arms
can't even hold a f**king glass.
- Oh, get out of here, skinny.
- Puny...
－少来了
－瘦巴巴的
－你连怎麽坐沙发都不会
－不是我害的
You plopped and you don't even know
how to sit on a couch.
- I didn't plop.
- Did she plop?
－是她用力坐下吧？
－我不予置评
- Oh, like I'm gonna say.
- Did she plop?
－是她用力坐下吧？
－别逼我选边站
I'm not taking sides on this.
Oh my God, what happened?
天哪，发生什麽事？
- The couch is ruined.
- What in the world?
－沙发毁了
－搞什麽？
他的手不稳，杯子就‥
- He was unsteady in his hand.
- She plopped down on the couch
是她重重地坐下来害我打翻
and it spilled.
It's gonna stain.
这会留下污渍‥
- It's gonna stain.
- Yeah, you know what
我们会付清洁费
- we'll pay for it. We'll...
- What, excuse me.
慢著‥什麽我们，是你要付
Excuse me. No "we."
You'll pay for it.
－不对，要平分
－我啥都没做
- I didn't do a f**king thing.
- No, no, we will chip in.
You're completely responsible
for that stain.
会弄髒跟你脱不了关係
Hey, I got a great idea. Why don't
you two start a GoFundMe page?
我有个主意
何不上网向群众募资呢？
Oh, f**k you, Albert.
去死，艾伯特
- F**k me?
- Yeah.
－叫我去死吗，那我挺赖瑞
－对
- All right, I'm going with plopped.
- Okay, look.
够了，大家听好
Everybody, look,
there's dinner outside on the patio.