消消气（2000）

美国新星
我爱你 美国
I love you, Americal
你们也爱我
And you love mel
来自好莱坞 这里是吉米鸡毛秀
From Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live!
今晚嘉宾玛丽亚·索菲亚·埃斯特拉达
Tonight, Maria Sofia Estrada.
玛丽亚·索菲亚 很荣幸
Well, Maria Sofia, it is a great pleasure
能请到你
to have you here. -
如果你没看过《年轻的拉里》她在里面抢尽了风头
If you haven't seen Young Larry, she steals the show.
我是说 绝对是
I mean, absolutely. -
没错 喔
That's right. Whoo!
你是个抢风头的人
You're a show stealer.
确实如此 是啊 我是
That's true. Yeah, I am.
显然 自信对你来说不是问题
And, obviously, confidence is not an issue with you.
那你觉得你为什么会得到这个角色
So why do you think you got this part?
很明显 我是最棒的
I was the best, clearly.
那么 节目里有很多即兴表演吗
So, is there a lot of improv on the show?
是的 有个剧本
Yes, there's a script,
但大部分台词都是我自己编的
but I make up most of my own lines,
加入我自己的想法 写得更好
put my own spin on the words, make it better.
*我有一个结构化的解决方案*
*I have A structured settlement*
*但我现在需要现金*
*But I need cash now*
*打电♥话♥给J.G 温特沃斯*
*Call J. G. Wentworth*
*号♥码是877-现金 就现在*
*877- CASH- NOW*
*我有一些巨额年金 但我现在需要现金*
*I have some big annuities But I need cash now*
*打电♥话♥给J.G 温特沃斯*
*Call J. G. Wentworth*
*877 现金 就现在* -你能不能别再唱了
*877- CASH- NOW*- Could you just stop with that- -
别唱那个广♥告♥歌♥
stop with that commercial?
我不想听
I don't wanna hear that. -
别在屋子里唱那首歌♥ -我想停下来 我停不下来
Don't sing that in the house. - I wanna stop. I can't stop!
好了 打住
Well, stop! -
燕麦牛奶呢
Where's the oat milk?
哦 就在这里
Oh, right here.
哦 我永远不会停止喝杏仁牛奶的先生
Oh, Mr. "I'm never gonna stop drinking almond milk. "
是的 哦 -因为我跟你说过杏仁牛奶的事吗
Yeah. Oh. - Because what did I tell you about almond milk?
是的 不 很好 -还记得吗
Yeah. No, good. - Remember again?
是啊 不好 是啊 -我们说了什么
Yeah, bad. Yeah. - What did we say?
你知道 他们用在
You know, the water that they use in
在这个州给这些杏仁灌溉的水
in this state for these almonds
还有甲氧苄啶 在毒杀蜜蜂
and the methophexohexadine, they're killing the bees!
很抱歉你不开心拉里
I'm sorry you're unhappy, Larry,
但作为她的担♥保♥人
but as her sponsor,
我告诉你 她根本无法接受分手
I'm telling you, she simply cannot handle a breakup.
要多久 -他们说
How long are we talking? - Well, they say no changes
在节目的前90天没有变化 但是
for the first 90 days in the program, but
厄玛的话 我是说 至少六个月
with Irma, I mean, minimum six months.
六个月
Six months?
我需要你答应我 拉里六个月
I need you to promise me, Larry. Six months.
答应我 拉里 -还有根部真菌的增殖
Promise me, Larry. - And the proliferation of root fungus- -
是的 燕麦牛奶
Yeah, oat milk. -
就是这样 这才是应该喝的
That's it. That's the way to go.
哦 如果你在去高尔夫俱乐部的路上经过药房♥
Oh, if you go past the pharmacy on your way to the golf club,
这是给我治锤状脚趾的
this is for my hammer toe.
我不去高尔夫俱乐部
I'm not going to the golf club.
不 但如果你去了 -不 但我不去
No, but if you do. - No, but I'm not going.
但你会比我先走 所以你能给我买♥♥这个吗
But you will go before I do, so would you get me these?
我不在乎它们是黑的 白的 还是特大号♥的
I don't care if they're black, white, extra- large.
* 我有一个结构化的解决方案*
Oh, I have A structured settlement*
*但我现在需要现金*
*But I need cash now *
*打电♥话♥给J.G 温特沃斯*
*Call J. G. Wentworth*
*号♥码是877-现金 就现在*
女 877- CASH- NOW*
Siri 去沃夫斯格伦的方向
Siri, directions to Wolfsglen. -
去大灰狼旅馆的方向
Directions to Great Wolf Lodge.
不 Siri 沃尔夫斯格伦餐厅
No, Siri, Wolfsglen Restaurant.
我找到了一个选项
One option I see,
本尼迪克特峡谷的伍德花♥园♥用品
Wood's Garden Supply on Benedict Canyon.
Siri 韦斯特伍德的沃尔夫斯格伦餐厅
Siri! Wolfsglen Restaurant in Westwood.
我看到了一个选项
One option I see,
伯班克的伍尔西餐厅
The Woolsey Restaurant in Burbank.
不 不 不 你没在听
No! No, no, you're not listening!
我说的是韦斯特伍德的沃尔夫斯格伦餐厅
I said Wolfsglen Restaurant in Westwood.
狼窝是保护狼
A wolf's den is a habitat that provides wolves
免受伤害的的栖息地 -不 你♥他♥妈♥的白♥痴♥
with protection from － No, you stupid fucking idiot!
是韦斯特伍德的沃尔夫斯格伦餐厅
It's Wolfsglen Restaurant in Westwoodl
我看到了一个选项
One option I see,
杰·沃尔夫服装公♥司♥ -不 啊 你♥他♥妈♥的
Jay Wolf Clothing. No! Ah, you fuck!
沃尔夫斯格伦餐厅
Wolfsglen Restaurant!
对不起 我没明白
Sorry, I didn't get that.
我的上帝 你♥他♥妈♥的白♥痴♥ 是沃尔夫斯格伦 你这个婊♥子♥
Oh, my God, you fucking moron! It's Wolfsglen, you cunt.
邦特蛋糕是一种在邦特平底锅中烘焙的蛋糕
Bundt cake is a cake that is baked in a Bundt pan.
不是邦特 啊 我说 你这个婊♥子♥
Not Bundt! Gah! I said, "You cuntl"
我说 你这个婊♥子♥
I said, "You cunt! "
对不起 我没听懂 -我叫你婊♥子♥
Sorry, I didn't get that. - I called you a cunt!
我看到一个选择 内华达州卡森市
One option I see, Carson City, Nevada.
啊啊啊啊 闭嘴
Oh, shut up!
我看到一个选择 羊毛手套
One option I see, wool glove.
他妈的闭嘴
Shut the fuck up!
对不起 我没听懂 -哦 去你的
Sorry, I didn't get that. - Oh, fuck you!
有人付钱让你
Somebody is paying you to just show up
在亚特兰大的一个生日派对上露个脸
at a birthday party in Atlanta.
是的 我是说 太蠢了 -是啊 有钱人
Yeah. I mean, so stupid. - Yeah, rich guy.
他们付给他一大笔钱
They're paying him a ton of money.
真的吗 -真可笑
Really? - Ridiculous.
这家伙是谁 他怎么知道你是谁
Who is this guy? How does he even know who you are?
他是来自非洲的富商
He's a wealthy businessman from Africa
他喜欢看《年轻的拉里》
who loves Young Larry.
是的 玛丽亚·索菲亚也会去的
Yeah, Maria Sofia's gonna be there, too.
哦 好吧 现在说得通了 卖♥♥点在她
Oh, well, now it makes sense. She's the draw.
对了里昂和我们一起去是因为他阿姨瑞伊
By the way, Leon's going with us 'cause his Auntie Rae
住在亚特兰大
lives in Atlanta.
记得她吗 是吗 -我记得瑞伊阿姨
Remember her? Yeah? - I remember Auntie Rae.
代我向她问好
Send her my regards.
那你打算怎么做 讲些笑话什么的吗
So what are you gonna do, tell some jokes or something?
不 这很好 我很高兴你提起这件事
No, this is good. I'm glad you brought this up.
我想把这个写进合同里 -当然
I want this in the. contract. - Surel
好吧 我不会做任何演讲
Okay. I'm not gonna do any speeches.
我不会表演任何单口相声 我不会说任何祝酒词
I'm not gonna do any stand- up. I'm not gonna do any toasts.
我会交际 我会握手 我表现亲切
I'll mingle, I'll shake hands, and I'll be cordial.
你知道如何表现得亲切吗
Do you even know how to be cordial?
我觉得会 我可以吗
I think so. Do I?
我估计你会
I would guess you do.
我不认为我能 但我会努力的
I don't think I can, but I'll try.
这里到底有吃的吗
Is the- - Are we getting any food here?
真是难以置信 -我知道
This is unbelievable. - I know.
已经半个小时了
It's been half a fucking hour already.
我点了汤和三明治
I got soup and a sandwich.
我能给你 -我的上帝
· Can I give you- - - My God.
对不起 -是的
Excuse me. - Yeah.
我们已经在这里坐了半个小时了
We've been sitting here for a half hour
我们已经在这里坐了半个小时了
We've been sitting here for a half hour
等待我们的食物
waiting for our food.
对此我很抱歉 你的服务员本尼
I'm so sorry about that. Your server, Benny,
他有点心不在焉
he's a little distracted.
他母亲几天前去世了
His mother passed away a couple of days ago.
几天前的事儿 他就来上班了
Few days ago and he comes into work?
他来上班干什么 -如果他心烦意乱
What's he coming in for? - If he's all upset,
那他应该回家服丧了
then he should be home in mourning.
很明显 你不能抱怨
And you can't complain, obviously.
不 你不能去找经理 这是一个没有胜算的局面
No, you can't go to the manager. It's a no- win situation.
是啊 你知道还有什么吗 现在别人还可怜他他还能额外拿小费
Yeah, and you know what else? Now he gets a condolence tip.
是的 你别无选择 -是的
Yeah. You got no choice. Yeah.