背锅船长（2023）

‎不 这全是真的 是个真实的故事
No, no! This is all true. It's a true story.
‎我以为收银员说的是：‎“三美元 晚安安”
Uh, so, uh… I thought the cashier said, "Three dollars, nighty-night."
‎所以我问道：“不好意思？”‎然后她又重复了一遍
So, uh, I said, "Excuse me?" And she repeated it.
‎但其实她说的是：“3美元99美分”
And what she actually said was, "Three dollars ninety-nine."
‎-哦 原来是99啊！对‎-太好笑了！
Oh, 99! Yeah. -Ha-ha, good one!
Oh!
‎三美元晚安安？根本说不通嘛
"Nighty-night?" It doesn't even make sense!
‎当时还是大白天呢 真是岂有此理
It was the middle of the day, for crying out loud!
‎别说了 船长 求你了‎你要笑死我们了
Please, please, stop it, Captain. Por favor. You're killing us here!
‎这事大概发生在…15年前
It happened maybe… oh, 15 years ago,
‎但我每天还会再回忆一遍‎依然会笑得停不下来
but I still think back on it every day, and I just laugh so hard.
‎哇 没错 这笑话的确很棒
Wow. Yeah, that's a… Yeah, that's a great one.
‎哦 我就知道 我要是去参加笑话节‎这就是我的保留节目
Oh, I know. It's my go-to story when I want a real laugh fiesta.
‎好吧 嗯 换个话题
Okay. Well, on another note, uh…
‎我想宣布一件事
I would like to make an announcement.
‎我想是时候…
I think it's time for me to, um… tinkle.
‎去尿个尿了
‎失陪一下 我过10到15分钟再回来
Please excuse me. I'll be back in ten… ten, 15 minutes.
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
-Ugh. -Mm-mm.
‎不行 我们受够了 我再也受不了了
No. No, we're done. I can't take another second of this.
‎你要干…住手！
What are you… No!
Ugh.
‎你成功了 乔纳森 你终于成功了
You've made it, Jonathan. You have finally made it.
‎他们都爱你 他们爱你
They love you out there. They love you.
-Oh, uh!
‎他回来了
And he's back.
‎老大来啦
There's the man!
‎没错 是我 我回来啦
Whoo!
‎嗯 我在想 你们介意我‎再讲一遍那个99美分的故事吗？
You know, I was thinking, do you mind if I tell that 99-cent story again?
‎我就是念念不忘 真的是太好笑了
I just can't get over it. It's so fun!
‎好啊
Yeah.
‎片名：背锅船长
‎好吧 各位听好了
Okay. Listen up, people.
‎我只想说 我很自豪
I just wanted to say that I am so proud to work with a crew
‎能与一群致力于‎让世界变得更美好的船员们共事
so dedicated to making the world a better place.
‎所以 我希望大家‎都把你们的手放在自己的肩膀上
So I want everyone to put your hand on your shoulder
‎就像这样
like this.
‎然后像这样
And then go like this.
‎干得好 对 现在每个人都跟着我说
Good work. Yeah, so ev… everyone… everyone say that with me now.
‎-干得好 对 干得好‎-干得好
Good work. Yeah, good work. -Good work.
-Good work. -Good work.
‎干得好
Good work. -Good work.
‎好了 真不错
Ah, okay, that's nice.
‎好的 接下来我们要‎为几位特定乘客提供游轮包租服务
Okay, so next up is a chartered cruise for just a few select passengers.
‎我们要在这里接待两个团队‎分别来自中国和刚果
We have a group from China and a group from Congo coming here.
‎他们租下了整艘船‎纯粹是为了文化交流
They have rented the whole ship for the sole purpose of cultural exchange,
‎所以一定会很有意思的
so that will be a lot of fun.
‎因此 我相信这会是个巨大的商机
And therefore, I believe this will be a great business opportunity
‎将在未来几年‎为您带来丰厚的利润和繁荣的前景
that will bring you much profit and, uh… prosperity in the coming years.
‎就这样
That was it.
‎介绍完毕
End of presentation.
Oh!
‎你觉得怎么样？
Wh… Wh… Wh… What do you think, eh?
‎我听起来有说服力吗？‎如何？我做到了 不是吗？
Did I sound convincing? Yeah? I nailed that, didn't I?
‎没错 非常好
Yes, that was… very good.
‎非常全面 用了许多图像‎和图表来强调你的观点
Very thorough, with great use of both graphics and diagrams
to emphasize your points.
‎很高兴听你这么说‎我不明白为什么有人会拒绝这笔交易
Good to hear. I can't understand why someone would say no to this deal.
‎不会的
No.
‎听着 会有很多人‎出席这个宣讲会吗？
Listen to me, are there going to be many people at this presentation?
‎啊 会啊 我想大概有15人？‎至少有10人以上
Ah, yes, I think maybe 15? More than ten at least.
‎哦 宝贝 天啊 这可不妙
Oh, baby Jesus. Not good. -Mm?
‎你光是在我面前排练 听起来就‎已经那么紧张了 我们都结婚25年了
You sounded nervous just rehearsing in front of me, your wife of 25 years.
‎你打算怎么应对更多的观众呢？
How are you going to handle a bigger audience?
‎但我现在已经怀着一颗平常心了
Uh… Uh… But it is quite normal now. Ah-ah.
‎你知道马克吐温怎么说的吗？
You know what Mark Twain said?
‎“世上有两种类型的演讲者‎一种会紧张 一种会撒谎”
"There are two types of speakers, those that get nervous and those who are liars."
‎但没人会比你更紧张 古德拉克
But no one gets as nervous as you, Goodluck.
‎做餐前祷告时
Oh. -You can't say grace at the dinner table
‎周围只有我和孩子们‎你都没法不口吃不脸红
with just me and the kids without stuttering and blushing.
Oh.
‎我知道 我才是自己最大的敌人
I know. I'm my own worst enemy.
‎你连RCA-SCART转换线都要带？
You are even bringing RCA to SCART?
‎你真该问问他们船上用的是哪种设备
Ah. You should really ask them what kind of setup they have on board.
‎我不会去问他们的 太不专业了
Mm-mm. I'm not going to ask them. It's not professional.
‎没了PPT 你一句话都憋不出来
You are nothing without your PowerPoint.
‎要是PPT没法♥正♥常显示‎那你注定要失败
If it does not work, you are doomed to fail.
‎给他们打个电♥话♥吧 只要20秒就行了
Just call them up. It takes you 20 seconds.
‎如果我打了电♥话♥
If I call them,
‎就立马迎合了他们对军阀的刻板印象
it plays straight into the stereotypes they have about warlords. Mm!
‎-我不想这样‎-什么刻板印象？
I don't want to give them that. -Ah! What stereotypes?
‎你也知道 嗯？
You know, eh?
‎就是我们不知道‎该如何设置PPT演示文稿之类的印象
That we don't know how to set up PowerPoint presentations and all that.
‎我不想被人随随便便界定
I don't want to be pigeonholed.
‎有时候 我真希望
Oh, sometimes I wish
‎你的一些童子军被晚绑♥架♥几年
that some of your child soldiers were snatched a few years later
‎然后像普通青少年一样 带着满脑子‎电脑技能之类的常识再度出现
so they came with some computer knowledge or something like normal teenagers.
‎那我就不必这么担心了
Then I would not have to worry so much.
‎没错 那样就太走运了
Yes, it would have been fortunate.
‎是啊 没错 但现在你只能靠自己了
Yes, it would have, but now you are on your own,
‎另外 协议没签就别回来了
and don't you dare come back without a signed deal.
‎奥博特上校已经准备好了
Colonel Obote is ready to take your place
‎你的军阀形象只要有一丝松懈‎他就会立马取代你的位置
the second you show yourself as a weak warlord.
‎你在干嘛 乔纳森？
Uh, what are you doing, Jonathan?
‎刚果人会带他们的孩子一起来
The, uh, Congolese party are bringing their kids,
‎所以我想确保‎大人们的会议不会被打搅
so I just… I wanna make sure the grown-ups can have their meeting uninterrupted.
‎这儿看起来很棒 对吧？
This looks great, right?
‎是啊 真不错
Yeah. Real nice.
‎但是这些年轻人可能不会喜欢魔术
But these youngsters might not be fans of magic
‎和脸部彩绘
and face paint.
‎哦 是啊 当然啦‎没错 也许你说得对 佩德罗
Oh, yes, of course. Yeah, you're probably right, Pedro,
‎因为孩子们一般‎不会喜欢这个 对吗？
'cause children tend not to like this, huh?
‎还有这个
Or this.
Hmm? Mm? Mm?
‎什么？这都是哪儿来的？
What? Where did that come from?
‎从我嘴里冒出来的？‎怎么可能？这可是手帕啊
My mouth? How is this even possible? Those are handkerchiefs.
‎这只是我为这些小淘气们
And that is just part of what I have in store
‎准备的一小部分节目
for these little rugrats.
‎欢迎莅临加勒比海女王号♥ 洪先生
Welcome to the Caribbean Queen, Mr. Hong.
‎我是你们的船长
I am your captain,
‎非常期待你们的加入
and I am so looking forward to having you on board.
‎很高兴认识你
A pleasure.
‎哦 是我的荣幸
Oh, the… the pleasure is all mine.
‎他们看起来都一样
They all look alike.
‎没法区分他们 他们都好丑‎长得一模一样
Impossible to tell them apart. Very ugly faces. It is very consistent.
‎简直是“拿丑脸当制♥服♥穿”
Almost like "ugly-face uniforms."
‎船长还是个“黄毛小子”
The captain is a tiny "boy-man."
‎长得丑 乳臭未干
Horrible face and smells like old milk.
‎-船长的身材应该更伟岸‎-说得对
A captain should be sturdier. -Right.
‎我没法尊重他
I cannot respect him.
‎嗯 我会说普通话
I… I speak Mandarin, you know?
‎你们刚刚在聊些什么？
Wh… What were you… What are you guys talking about?
‎只是在说我们很高兴能来到这里
Oh, just that we are very happy to be here,
‎感谢你们安排这次会面
and we want to bring thanks for arranging this meeting.
‎哦 我们的荣幸
Oh, our pleasure.
‎希望你们喜欢用棍子吃饭‎因为我们专门在餐厅里准备了棍子
I hope you like to eat with sticks because we have sticks in the restaurant.
‎省了那些劳什子刀叉
None of that knife-and-fork nonsense.
‎行
Okay.
‎你们一定会玩得很开心的
You're gonna have so much fun.
‎朋友 请跟我来 这边走
Please come with me, my friends. This way.
‎拜拜
Bye.
Hoof!
‎洪先生真有个性 对吧？
Oh, Mr. Hong. What a character, huh?
‎是啊 很不友好‎你不该忍♥受这种态度 我的朋友
Hmm, yeah, pretty hostile. You don't deserve that, my friend.
‎嗯 也许在中国‎表现得友善会被认为是软弱？
Well, maybe friendliness is a sign of weakness or something in… in China?
‎但他会回心转意的