地狱天使（2016）

Circus peanuts. I repeat
花生糖果 : 很好吃的万圣节糖果
花生糖果 解除戒备
circus peanuts. Stand down.
我也犯了一个错误需要弥补
I too have a mistake that needs fixing.
你出去一下
I need the room.
那是1990年的夏天
It was the summer of 1990.
神奇的时光
A magical time.
你记得
You remember.
我记得
I do.
我的脸 印在午餐盒 T恤
I was on lunch boxes, T-shirts,
床单 游戏卡上
bedsheets, trading cards, even had
我甚至有自己的周六晨早卡♥通♥
my own Saturday morning cartoon.
那卡♥通♥蛮好笑的
It was hilarious.
唯一没有出现我脸的地方
The only place my face wasn't appearing
是我的身体
was on my body.
直到我纹了这个
Until this.
天呢 这事要发生啦
Oh, my God, it's happening.
冷静 随他吧
Just be cool. Let it play out.
我没去找人除纹身
I haven't done anything
因为我不想让消息传出去
about it because I didn't want word to get out.
你帮我弄掉这个
You help me get rid of him,
我就出面
I'll do the appearance.
成交
Done.
天呢 是只大蜘蛛
Oh, my God, a giant spider!
蜘蛛 蜘蛛
Spider! Spider!
不不不
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
别
Don't...
这么可爱
be so cute?
祝贺你
Congratulations.
你刚刚克服了对蜘蛛的恐惧
You just conquered your fear of spiders.
小家伙 你可帮了大忙
Hey, and you helped, you little guy.
确实 小狗乖
Yes, you did. Oh, you're a good fear.
乖乖
Good fear.
和乔伊·麦克的会面怎么样
So how was the meeting with Joey Mac?
你怎么
How did you...?
你不能一直出现在我的生活里
You can't keep popping up in my life.
作为一个专业的守护天使
Well, as a professional pimple popper
我还以为你会感恩 真抱歉
I thought you'd appreciate that. Oh, I'm sorry,
你点燃了我的友谊之火
you got some of my friendly fire. Lot of Ps.
你必须得给我留点个人空间
You have to give me some space.
空间 我几乎没有出现在你的生活中
Space? Well, I'm barely in your life.
我甚至还没有见过你的家人
I haven't even met your family yet.
对 重申一次 不会让你见我家人
Yeah, and, again... Not gonna happen.
听着 我知道你不相信
Oh, listen, I know you're not convinced
我是天使
that I'm an angel.
我更确信那只是蜘蛛
I am more convinced that that dog is a spider.
我知道我说过我们会成为朋友
Okay, I know I said we could be friends,
但是朋友之间也会有些空间
but friends take breaks in between hangouts.
好吧 我从没听过
Oh. Okay, well, I've never heard of that,
没关系 享受你的个人空间吧
but that's fine, take your space.
反正我的公交车来了
There's my bus anyway. Okay?
抱歉 女士 禁止携带宠物
Sorry, ma'am. No pets.
这是服务蛛
Uh, it's a service spider.
服务犬可带上公车
我迫不及待要收拾伊文
I can't wait to tear Evan a brand-new one
把什么最低消息完全无视
and completely ignore the two-drink minimum.
是啊 他们才不会收到哥的钱
Yeah, they're not getting our money.
尽管这个酒保
Although the wait staff
不该为伊文的不忠负责任
isn't to blame for Evan's infidelities.
说得好
Excellent point.
好了 两杯杜松子酒混汽水
Okay. Two gin and Frescas.
用手摇 不要用嘴笑
Shaken, not laughed at.
他来了
Here he is.
我们来给他制♥造♥点麻烦
Let's get our heckle on.
感谢大家今晚能来这
Thanks for, uh, coming out tonight.
这是我新写的一首歌♥
This is a new song that I wrote.
有关失去
It's about loss.
♪ 一只独角兽和一只海星 ♪
♪ A unicorn and a starfish ♪
♪ 是我亲爱的朋友们呀 ♪
♪ Such dear friends of mine ♪
你管这个叫音乐吗
You call that music?
♪ 还没有机会将我对它们的爱说出 ♪
♪ No chance to tell them I loved them ♪
♪ 它们却已远去 ♪
♪ And now they are gone ♪
消失和我的根本不押韵
Gone and mine don't rhyme.
不要再浪费我们的时间了
Stop wasting our time.
对着难听的歌♥就该这样
That's how you do it.
♪ 独角兽是个医生 ♪
♪ The unicorn was a doctor ♪
♪ 但我把它当作爸爸一样看待 ♪
♪ But I knew him as Dad ♪
等等 这是关于我俩的吗
Wait, is this about us?
♪ 海星是卖♥♥♥房♥♥的 ♪
♪ The starfish sold houses ♪
♪ 他的名字叫做布莱德 ♪
♪ And his name was Brad ♪
我现在还不能确定 但是
I can't tell yet, but...
我想这支小曲越来越吸引我了
I think this little ditty's growing on me.
♪ 那天我失去了我的家人 ♪
♪ I lost my family that day ♪
♪ 因我迷失了方向 ♪
♪ Cause I lost my way ♪
♪ 如果当初我没这么做 ♪
♪ If I could undo it ♪
♪ 我会永远留在它们心中 ♪
♪ In their hearts I would stay ♪
切
Boo!
这些人是怎么回事
What's wrong with these people?
让他接着唱
Let the boy sing.
只要让他不要和你的女儿约会就行
Just don't let him date your daughter.
凯莉 恭喜你的展览成功
Kelly. Congratulations on the show.
棒极了
It's fantastic.
嗨 你在这干嘛呢
Hi. What are you doing here?
嗨 我知道我之前犯了大错
Hi. So I know I screwed up really bad
但是我真的很想补偿你
and I really want to make it up to you.
所以... 我给你带了点东西
So... I got you something.
好吧 今晚对我来说非常重要 所以
Okay. Well, tonight's a really big night for me, so...
确实是的 但是它即将变得更重大
It is. But it's about to get bigger.
女士们先生们
Ladies and gentlemen,
请各位看一下这边
if I may have your attention, please.
凯莉 我 我知道
Kelly, I, uh, I know
我们这是你人生中最光辉的时刻
we're in the middle of your big night,
但是 我只是觉得
but, uh, I felt like this just
这不能等
couldn't wait.
凯莉 我们已经
Kelly, we have
在一起经历了不可思议的两年
been together for two amazing years.
凯莉 怎么了 宝贝儿
Kelly. What up, girl?
我来这是因为你的朋友上一次破坏了
I'm here because your friend once ruined
应该是和你男友最重要时刻的瞬间
what should have been a very special moment
她想让你知道
with your boyfriend. She wants you to know
她很抱歉而且那也不会再发生了
she's sorry and that it'll never happen again.
我的老天 又 现在又一次发生了
Oh, God, it's, uh, happening again right now.
晚安 洛杉矶
Good night, Los Angeles.
我对不起你们俩
You guys, I am so sorry...
艾里逊 求你别说了
Allison, just stop it.
你就像一个追踪导弹
You're like a guided missile
被发射去破坏每一个我们关系的里程碑
set to destroy every milestone in our relationship.
告诉你吧
And for your information,
我就是一个变得比过去更加体贴的爱人而已
I'm a much more attentive lover than I used to be.
话说回来 刚说到哪儿
Anyway, where was I? Um,
亲爱的
sweetheart...
听着 我很对不起 我真的是不知道
Look, I'm sorry, I really just didn't know...
我的老天 你能让我结束我的求婚词吗
Oh, my God, can I please finish my proposal?!
你就走吧 艾里逊
Just go, Allison.
凯莉
Kelly...
站起来吧 汉克 都结束了
Uh, just...just get up, Hank, it's over.
我会嫁给你
I'll marry you.
谢谢 我爱你
Thank you. I love you.
棒极啦
Hooray.
- 我听说昨晚的事了 - 怎听说的
- I heard about last night. - How?
我在一个艺术世界做兼♥职♥全♥裸♥模特
I work in the art world as a part-time full-nude model.
我真是蠢飞了