地狱天使（2016）

Sweet ad campaign.
所以 如果这些天使无处不在
So if these angels are... everywhere,
为什么我们找不到他们存在的痕迹呢
why is there zero evidence that they exist?
我的天哪 到处都有他们的踪迹
Oh, my goodness, there's evidence everywhere.
99%的巧合都是天使在幕后操纵
99% of all coincidences are angels pulling strings.
那剩下的1%呢
And the other one percent?
这1%… 是他们控制的所有事情
The one percent... They control everything.
你还没有看华尔街日报吗
Do you not get The Wall Street Journal?
华尔街日报 : 内容全要是全球的突发新闻
所以你一直在保护我的整个人生吗
So you've been protecting me my whole life?
是的 除了你被牛踢了的那次
Yep. Except the time you were kicked by the cow.
是吧 因为那时候我也想知道
See, because I also wanted to see what would happen
- 如果你拉了它的尾巴会怎么样 - 如果你是天使
- if you pulled its tail. - So if you're an angel,
- 你会飞吗 - 不 我们不能飞
- do you fly? - No. We are flightless...
技术上使得我们跟家禽没啥两样
Which technically makes us poultry
你会疼吗
Do you feel pain
不会 但这可能跟吸毒有关
No. But that might be the codeine
你会和上帝说话吗
Do you talk to God
艾里逊
Oh, Allison, do the people
人们会到苹果店里跟蒂姆·库克说话吗
at the Apple Store talk to Tim Cook
蒂姆·库克: 苹果公♥司♥CEO
所以 到底有什么特别之处能让人们
So, what would be the one thing that people
对天使感到大吃一惊呢
would be surprised to learn about angels
我们能抓住任何向我们扔来的东西
We can catch anything that's thrown to us
那是什么意思
What does that mean
向我扔东西
Throw me something
不错啊
Whoa. Not bad
我的职责
My job
就是保护你
is to protect you
而如果我失手漏了什么
And if I miss something
我就失败了
I've failed
佩服佩服
Impressive
所以 你就相当于一个免费保镖
So, you're like an unpaid bodyguard
不 我们不只是守护 还负责教导
No, we don't just guard. We teach lessons
教导 真的吗 你们教什么
Lessons? Really? What kind of lessons do you teach
钢琴 游泳
Piano? Swim lessons
我们不游泳 艾里逊
Oh, we don't swim, Allison
我们不是水妖
We're not water goblins
不 我们教导人生道理
No, we teach life lessons
事实上 这应该是我最大
In fact, it's probably the biggest
最重要的一部分工作
most important part of my job
所以 我要从我的守护天使
So, what am I to learn from a woman
学什么人生道理
whose fly is currently open
一阵微风的价值
The value of a gentle breeze
现在你已经学会这个了 那就往后
And now that you've learned that, let's move on
学下一节课 对抗你最深的恐惧
to the next lesson: confronting your biggest fear
你知道那是什么吗
You know what that is
我不知道 小丑 蜘蛛
I don't know. Uh, clowns? Spiders
好吧 那些是可怕的东西 也需要对抗
Well, those are fears and they should be confronted
但是我会把它们分到惊吓那类里去
but I'd put those more in the category of yikesies
不 应该是那种令人害怕的东西
No, this is, like, the scary stuff
当你早上出门的时候
The stuff that when you leave your house in the morning
你会说 老天 我希望我今天不需要面对它
you say: Oh, man, I hope I don't have to face this today
凯莉
Kelly
对 卡莉
Yes, Calleigh
凯莉
Kelly
我最好的朋友
Is my oldest friend
对
Right
然后我们打了一架
And we had a fight
残酷的争吵
Brutal falling out
我记得非常清楚
I remember it perfectly
因为如果我不记得
Because if I didn't remember it
我就会因为在工作时间喝醉
I'd get in trouble with my supervisor
保不住我作为监护人的饭碗
for being drunk on the job
那是几个月以前
It was a couple of months ago
几个月以前
Couple months ago
我们出去庆祝她的生日
And we were going out for her birthday
你生日
Your birthday
不 她生日
No, her birthday
她生日 对
Her birthday, right
好了 拜托你闭嘴 让我讲
Okay, please let me tell the story
好的 请 继续
Okay, please, go ahead
谢谢你带我出去庆祝我的生日
Thanks for taking me out on my birthday
还好 我很遗憾 这次没能超越你的十岁生日
Well, I'm sorry it doesn't beat your tenth birthday
毕竟那次我们去了街头顽童的演唱会
when we went to the New Kids on the Block concert
对
Uh, yeah
我现在还不敢相信我接到了乔伊·麦金泰尔的袜子
I still can't believe I caught Joey Mclntyre's sock
你在地上发现的那条袜子
You found that sock on the ground
我接到的
I caught it
是他的袜子
It was his sock
不是
No
那绝不是个随便捡的袜子 艾里逊
It can't be a random sock, Allison
我拿着它吻过好多次了
I've kissed it too many times
我很抱歉汉克忘了你生日
I'm sorry Hank forgot your birthday
没事 这是常有的事
Yeah, it's par for the course
但是 不应该这样
Well, it shouldn't be
好吧 凯莉 我必须说这个
Okay, Kelly, I just have to say this
汉克有些不对劲的地方
There is something off about Hank
他总是看起来像藏着点什么
It always seems like he's hiding something
他领悟不到你的幽默
He doesn't get your sense of humor
他不像你那样聪明
he's not as smart as you are
而且你也说了好几次
and you've said several times
他忍♥受着早泄的
he suffers from premature ejacula
惊喜
Surprise
你没让我说完
You didn't let me finish
常有的事 顺便一说
Par for the course, by the way
不是吗
No
没人
Nobody
我很抱歉
I'm so sorry
简直
Wow
我尝试对她道歉 但是
I tried to apologize to her, but
我不觉得她能
I don't think she heard me
在她大叫大哭时 听到我说话
over the sound of her own yelling
不过没事 我们会重新联♥系♥的
But it's okay, we'll reconnect
你知道 已经几个月了
You know, it's been a couple of months
她应该已经冷静了
She's probably cooled off
而且你知道 这是件有趣的事情
and, you know, it's a funny thing
关于
about
我去
Yah
你怎么做到的
How did you do that
你觉得这个就厉害了
Oh, you think this is impressive...
你应该看看我怎么接住汤汁
You should see me catch soup
老爹 准备好看比赛了吗
Hey, Dad. Ready to watch the game
当然
Yup
所以先搞清楚 早先 我们跟艾里逊说
So to clarify... earlier, when we told Allison
我们不会实施报复
that we were not going to enact revenge
弥天大谎 没错 我们不会让伊文
Huge lie. Yeah, we're not letting Evan
在对艾里逊那样做过后轻易蒙混过去
get away with what he did to Allison
真♥他♥妈♥直接
Damn straight
只是想确认我们达成了共识
Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page
别去生气 去揍伊文
Don't get mad, get Evan
引用终极复仇者
To quote the ultimate daughter avenger
连恩·尼逊的话
Liam Neeson
连恩·尼逊 : Taken的老爸啊
告诉我
Give it to me
我有一些特别的技能
I have a very special set of skills
能让某些人比如伊文视我如梦魇
that makes me a nightmare for people like Evan
连恩·尼逊在Taken的对白
没看过那些电影 不过我应该懂了
Never saw those movies. But I feel like I get it
所以我们的计划是什么
So what's our plan
因为我们必须确定
'Cause we have to make sure it's
对他的报复恰到好处
just the right level of getting back at him
这是真的 我们过去处理