泰布机密（2015）

and the other moment she could be terribly tender and dear.
我妈妈拼命工作。
My mother worked like a dog.
她有时身兼两职。
She held, sometimes, two jobs.
她想创造一种环境
She wanted to create an environment
一个家庭和一个家，那是非常
of a family and a home, and that was very
对她和我们都很重要。
imporant to her and to us.
我小时候在很多方面都很迷失——内向。
I was lost as a kid in many ways-- introvered.
我非常害羞。
And I was exremely shy.
我和人在一起从来都不自在。
I was never comforable around people.
这让我非常紧张。
It made me very nervous.
我哥哥则完全相反。
My brother was quite the opposite.
我很尊敬我的哥哥
My brother I looked up to a great deal
因为他能很好地处理各种情况。
because he could handle every situation very well.
他总是鼓励我。
He was always prompting me on.
否则我会在我的壳里待很久很久。
Otherwise I'd have stayed in my shell much, much longer.
我们是作为天主教♥徒♥长大的。
We were raised as Catholics.
我母亲把我们送到教区学校，那里有修女。
My mother put us in parochial school, where we had nuns.
她只是非常非常担心
She just was really, really concerned
关于我们自己的发展——心理上的，身体上的，
about our own development-- mental, physical,
和精神。
and spiritual.
我喜欢去教堂。
I loved going to church.
我确实在唱诗班唱过歌♥。
I did sing in the choir.
祝福对我来说总是很美妙，弥撒是用拉丁语做的，
Benediction was always wonderful to me, and mass was in Latin,
我很喜欢。
and I loved that.
这是一个很好的地方，可以成为一个标准杆
It was a good place to go and become a par
让我感动的东西。
of something that moved me.
播音员:这是《黑天鹅》，由蒂龙·鲍尔主演，
ANNOUNCER: It's "The Black Swan," starring Tyrone Power,
勇敢的韦林上尉是他最活跃的角色。
in his lustiest role as the daring Captain Waring.
当然，我总是去看电影。
Of course I went to movies all the time.
我住在电影院。
I lived at the movies.
电影明星有一种光环。
There was an aura about movie stars.
那真是太棒了。
It was quite wonderful.
他们完全是逃避现实。
They were total escapism.
我很喜欢。
I loved that.
电影是另一个世界。
Movies was a world away.
我确实觉得自己和其他男孩不一样。
I did feel I was different from other boys.
我小时候还没有同性恋这个词。
The word gay was not around when I was a kid.
他们使用贬义词——仙女、怪人。
They used derogatory terms- fairy, queer.
我可能也这么说过别人，
And I might even have said that about someone,
不想与众不同，想要
not wanting to be different, wanting
像其他人一样。
to be like everyone else.
我总是被教导如果有什么
I was always taught if there's something
把它从你的脑海里赶出去，把它从你的脑海里赶出去。
bad just push it from your mind, push it from your mind.
所以我从来没有面对过那些事情，即使它是
So I never confronted those things, even though it was
在那里和是非常强大的。
there and was very powerful.
我恨我自己。
I hated myself.
我去忏悔了。
I went to confession.
这个牧师让我觉得我是最痛苦的
And this one priest made me feel like I was the most miserable
世上最伟大的人。
person that ever lived.
忏悔之后，我完全脱离了教会，
After my confession I fed from the church completely,
尽管这是我真正喜欢的东西。
even though it was something I really loved.
我离开的时候比以前更害怕了。
I came away from that more fearful than ever.
我在约翰·巴勒斯初中和亚瑟·格连在一起。
I when John Burroughs Junior High School with Arhur Gelien.
仿佛魔法降临了学校。
It with as if magic had dropped into the school.
老实说，女孩们不会放过他的。
Honestly, the girls would not leave him alone.
他们从未见过如此英俊的人。
They had never seen anybody so handsome.
他们完全被迷住了。
They were just mesmerized.
女孩们都很喜欢我，
Girls were very attracted to me,
这让我非常不舒服
and it made me exremely uncomforable
当人们以任何方式、形状或形式继续生活时。
when people would carry on in any way, shape, or form.
如果他想走过大厅，就会被团团围住。
If he tried to walk down the hall, he simply was mobbed.
有几次他不得不跑进一间空教室
There were times that he'd have to run into an empty classroom
锁上门，远离女孩们。
and lock the door to get away from the girls.
我不知道他是怎么活下来的。
I don't know how he survived.
学校里的注意力太分散了，我只是觉得
The attention at school was so disruptive that I just felt
我需要一些逃避。
I needed some sor of escape.
所以我决定加入海岸警卫队。
So I decided to join the Coast Guard.
我只是有旅游癖。
I just had wanderlust.
我妈妈和我大吵了一架就在我
My mother and I had a big argument just prior to my
加入海岸警卫队。
joining the Coast Guard.
凯尔姆是我父亲的名字，查尔斯·凯尔姆。
Kelm was my father's name-- Charles Kelm.
我最早的记忆是我父亲虐待我母亲，
My earliest memory was my father abusing my mother,
我和弟弟哭了。
and my brother and I crying.
从那以后我就不记得我父亲了。
I had no recollection of my father after that.
我妈妈从来不想提起他。
My mother never wanted to talk about him.
事实上，你会提到他的名字和她
In fact, you'd mention his name and she
真的会颤抖。
would literally shudder.
有时我真希望我们有个父亲。
I at times wished that we had a father.
我一直在说查理可能没那么坏。
I kept saying Charlie probably wasn't that bad after all.
我妈妈说，哦，真的吗?
And my mother said, oh, really?
那我觉得你应该去纽约看看他。
Then I think you should go to New York and see him.
当我在纽约自♥由♥旅行时，我有他的地址，
And when I was on libery in New York, I had his address,
我敲了敲门。
and I knocked on the door.
这个女人说，是的?
And this woman says, yes'?
我说，查尔斯·凯尔姆在吗?
And I said, is Charles Kelm here?
她说，不。
And she said, no.
在她的后面，我看见一个人坐在椅子上。
And beyond her I could see a fgure sitting in a chair.
我对她说，你能告诉他，他的儿子
And I said to her, well, would you tell him that his son
过来打个招呼?
came by to say hello?
她说，是的。
And she said, yes.
她当着我的面把门关上了。
And she slammed the door in my face.
我知道坐在椅子上的是我父亲。
I knew that that was my father sitting in that chair.
我看得出来他不想见我。
And l could tell that he didn 't want to see me.
我崩溃了。
L was devastated .
我在雪地里走了好几个小时。
And l just walked in the snow for hours.
海岸警卫队发现我未成年，就把我开除了。
The Coast Guard found out l was under age and discharged me.
当他们让我出院时，
And then when they discharged me,
我回到了洛杉矶。
l went back down to Los Angeles.
我是一名快递员。
L worked as a delivery man.
我在兄弟公♥司♥包装礼物
L worked wrapping presents at Brothers
在好莱坞。
in Hollywood .
我在好莱坞大道的Orange Julius小摊工作。
L worked at the Orange Julius stand on Hollywood Boulevard .
我做了很多工作。
L did an awful lot of jobs.
是我哥哥把我介绍给马的。
My brother was the one who introduced me to horses.
我想做我哥哥做的事。
L wanted to do whatever my brother did .
然后我哥哥继续，当然，做其他事情，
And then my brother went on , of course, to other things,
但我和马呆在一起。
but l stayed with the horses.
当马在马厩里的时候，我喜欢待在它们周围。
L loved being around the horses when they were in their stalls.
我喜欢它们的味道。
L loved the smell of them .
我喜欢和他们一起工作。
L loved working around them .
我喜欢骑马。
L loved riding .
我找了份在谷仓打扫卫生的工作。
And l got a job mucking out and being at the barn.
当这匹马走进我的生活，
When the horse came into my life,
它们完全吞噬了我的生活。
they totally consumed my life.
有个周末在谷仓，迪克·克莱顿
One weekend at the barn , Dick Clayton
出来了，他当时是个演员，
came out, who was an actor at the time,
和一个叫安·布莱斯的女演员
with an actress by the name of Ann Blyth .
他们在做照片布局
And they were doing a photo layout
为一本电影杂♥志♥写的。
for one of the movie magazines.
嗯，我被迷住了，所以我就站在那里看着。
Well , l was fascinated , so l just stood there and watched .
然后安走了，之后我和迪克聊了聊，
And then Ann left, and l got to talking to Dick afterwards,
我们变得很友好。
and we became friendly.
迪克从不像很多人那样主动找上我。
Dick never came on to me like a lot of people did .
我从没觉得迪克·克莱顿有什么不可告人的目的
L never felt a hidden agenda from Dick Clayton
因为我觉得和他在一起很舒服。
because l just felt so comfortable with him .
我这辈子从没遇到过这样的男人。
L never had a man in my life like that.
他是第一个播种的人
And he was the one who first planted
给我的种子——你觉得当演员怎么样?
the seed for me-- how would you feel about being an actor?
我想，哇，那太棒了。
And l thought, oh, wow, that'd be terrific.
我确实开始考虑了。
L did start thinking about it.
但我不知道该怎么做，从哪里开始，