十四岁（2019）

我不知道你们俩的事，真的很抱歉。
I didn't know about you two, I'm really sorry.
说实话，早知道我就不会插手了。
Honestly, if I'd known I wouldn't have butted in.
如果你之前打过电♥话♥就知道了。
You would have known if you called before.
在凌晨12点半左右出现。
Showing up at like 12:30 in the morning.
我去。
I'll go.
现在不重要了。
It doesn't matter now.
如果我把你的事情搞砸了，我很抱歉。
I'm sorry if I messed things up for you, I'm sorry.
我知道你很抱歉，你总是很抱歉。
I know you're sorry, you're always sorry.
让我道歉。
Let me apologize.
乔，这有什么关系?
Jo, what does it matter?
总是一样的。
It's always the same.
你身上发生了什么事
Some shit happened to you,
还有站在你身边的人
and then the people standing near you
-弄得他们满身都是屎。-别说了!
- get shit all over them. - Stop it!
我需要你对我好一点。
I need you to be nice to me.
我知道，但你总是需要一些东西。
I know but you need something all the time.
这很困难。
It gets difficult.
发生什么事了吗?
Did something happen?
我的公♥司♥不再回我电♥话♥了。
My agency won't return my calls anymore.
你确定吗?
You sure?
你确定不是别的原因?
You sure it's not something else?
我确定，因为我搞砸了太多次。
Yeah I'm sure, it's because I fucked up too many times.
你上次打电♥话♥给他们是什么时候?
When's the last time you tried calling them?
没关系，就算他们给我回电♥话♥，
It doesn't matter, even if they call me back,
没关系。
it doesn't matter.
-什么意思?-没关系
- What do you mean? - It doesn't matter
因为我把事情搞砸了。
because I fuck things up.
即使他们给我回电♥话♥，或者我找别的公♥司♥，
Even if they call me back, or I get a different agency,
我又要搞砸了。
I'll just fuck it up again.
我为什么要告诉你这些?
Why am I telling you this?
是你告诉我，
You're the one who tells me,
是你说我应该去领伤残保险的。
you're the who says I should go on disability.
你在想这个吗?
Are you thinking about that?
你在这个圈子里转了一段时间了。
For a while now you've been going in this circle.
我知道，我知道，我就是个混♥蛋♥。
I know, I know, I know, I'm a fuck up.
别再说了。
Stop saying that.
我想说什么就说什么
I'll say whatever I want,
如果你不喜欢，你可以把我赶出去。
if you don't like it you can throw me out.
残疾是医生的一大负担。
Disability is a big doctor trip.
我再也受不了和他们打交道了，
I can't stand dealing with them anymore,
他们太傲慢了，
they're so arrogant,
他们总是错的，他们总是错的，
and they're always wrong, they're always wrong,
每一次。
every single time.
我知道我需要把我的药物弄清楚，
I know I need to get my medications straightened out,
我知道我不能再这样下去了。
I know I can't keep going this way.
也许我会发现，
Maybe I'll find,
也许我能找到一个医生
maybe I'll find a doctor who'll actually let,
他们会听我说的
who'll listen to me when I fucking tell them.
你知道你让医生很为难。
You know you give doctors a hard time.
哦，我为它们感到难过，它们太脆弱了。
Oh I feel just awful for them, they are so delicate.
你被困在死亡的挣扎中
You get locked in these death struggles,
每个人都失去了。
everyone loses.
死亡挣扎是什么意思?
What do you mean, death struggles?
你想让我怎么做?
What do you want me to do?
我不知道，他们开了一些处方，
I don't know, they prescribe something,
你要取消处方，就得有人负责。
you unprescribe it, someone's gotta be in charge.
我想要有人负责。
I want someone to be in charge.
如果有人负责，我会很高兴的。
I would be so happy to have someone in charge.
这就是我想要的。
That is all I want.
但是他们太……
But they're just so...
你说，你试着和他们谈谈，然后
You said, you try to talk to them, and then
在谈话的早期，
somewhat really early in the conversation,
他们的眼睛呆滞了。
their eyes glaze over.
就是这样，你说的一切都白费了。
And that's it, everything you say is wasted.
他们已经下定决心了。
They've made up their minds.
我从14岁起就开始观察他们呆滞的眼神。
I've been watching their eyes glaze over since I was 14.
14 ?那时我就认识你了。
14? I knew you then.
那时你当然认识我了。
Of course you knew me then.
你为什么说14?
Why do you say 14?
我不知道为什么，我不总是这样的。
I don't know why 14, I wasn't always like this.
我的生活也不是一直这么艰难，
My life wasn't always this fucking hard,
我总是擅长一些事情。
I was always good at stuff.
我在学校表现很好。
I was good at school.
我为什么要告诉你这些，你知道的。
Why am I telling you this, you know that.
有一次你整整缺了一个月的课。
You missed a whole month of school that one time.
那是我14岁的时候。
That was when I was 14.
发生了什么事?
What happened?
什么也没有发生。
Nothing happened.
什么都没发生。
There's no thing that happened.
我不知道发生了什么。
I don't know what happened.
那是你♥爸♥爸。
It was your dad then.
你还记得吗?
Do you remember that?
你太痛苦了，这完全毁了你的生活。
You were so miserable, it was totally ruining your life.
不，为什么会毁了我的生活?
No, why would that ruin my life?
从一开始就一团糟，
It's been fucked up since the beginning of time,
这不是什么爆♥炸♥性新闻。
that's not any sort of breaking news.
该死的!
Damn it!
有很多原因，
There's so many things that could be reasons,
但他们不是，他们不是，
but they're not, they're not,
它们都是一样的。
they only all are, which is the same thing.
那时候我们开始喝酒，吸毒，
It was the time we started drinking, doing drugs,
但我停止了，我停止了无数次，
but I stopped, I stopped doing them a million times,
如果戒酒有什么不同的话
and if being sober made any difference
我现在就知道了。
I would know that by now.
然后他们开始给我用药，
And then they started medicating me,
但我也阻止了，无数次。
but I stopped that too, a million times.
只是青春期吗?
Was it just puberty?
你不能,
You can't,
你对此无能为力。
you can't do anything about that.
我唯一想要的
The only thing that I want,
我唯一会想的事情。
the only thing I would think about.
怎么啦？
What?
我的猫。
My cat.
什么猫?
What cat?
我的猫，死了的那只。
My cat, the one who died.
辛迪?
Cindy?
她为什么要死?
Why did she have to die?
每个人都得死。
Everyone has to die.
我不在乎，我希望她没那么做。
I don't care, I wish she wouldn't have.
对不起，我不是故意伤害你的。
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be hurtful.
没关系，你没有伤害我。
It's okay, you weren't hurtful.
我听起来太疯狂了。
I sound so crazy.
我只是想让人们忘记过去
I just want people to see past
我的古怪和焦虑，
my eccentricity and my anxiety,
看清我的真面目
and see me for what I am.
你的古怪和焦虑不是你本性的一部分吗?
Your eccentricity and anxiety aren't part of who you are?
不，他们不是。
No, they're not.
你想听点沉重的吗?
You want to hear something heavy?
怎么啦？
What?
我怀孕了。
I'm pregnant.
我的天啊。
Oh my God.
多久了?
How far along?
大概一个半月吧。
Like a month and a half.
所以还在流产区，但是。
So it's still in the miscarriage zone but.
你应该喝那种啤酒吗?
Should you be drinking that beer?
我的天啊。
Oh my God.
真希望我能录下来。
I wish I had a recording of that.
我觉得还可以。
I think it's okay.
这是好事吗?
Is it a good thing?
是的。
Yeah.