8块披萨（2020）

我不知道
I don't know.
我们无能为力
There's nothing we can do.
他的听众分成两派
His audience is split down the middle.
有人爱他 有人恨他
There's people who love him, people who hate him.
双方都看他的频道 都让他有钱赚
Both sides make him money by watching.
你赢不了
You can't win.
你得杀了他
You gotta kill him.
他受欢迎就因为他厌世
He's popular because he hates everything.
他甚至不知道霍尔顿·考尔菲德是谁
He doesn't even know who Holden Caulfield is.
我知道
I know!
我和他一样
I'm like him.
- 不 - 不 安
- No. - No, Ann.
我们都想掌控自己的人生
We both wanna be our own boss.
他只不过是找到了一个吸引观众的方法
He's just found a way to get an audience.
你可以在他的葬礼上读悼词
Well, you can read the eulogy at his funeral.
等等 安 你在想什么
Wait, Ann, what are you thinking?
奥斯卡说我们来这
Oscar tells us that we're here
是为了打造一份出色的简历
to build a great resume,
但我们实际上是在写一篇伟大的悼词
but we're actually building a great eulogy.
萨姆·赞德
Sam Zander!
搜索驱逐舰
Search and destroy!
哇靠
Dude, yes!
太棒了
Yes, dude, yes!
我得戒烟了
Man, I need to stop smokin'.
哥们 你为什么一个人走着啊
Dude, why are you walking alone?
他在想他的
Oh dude, he's thinking about his
- 下一个揭穿十大视频 - 是的 是的
- next top 10 debunked videos. - Yes, yes!
嗯
Yeah.
其实我的车抛锚了
Actually, my car broke down.
我们得补四轮班
Oh, dude, we had to take four hour shifts
才能来这里 天啊
just to get here man, oh my god.
嘿 这个白人是谁
Hey, who's we white man?
伙计
Dude.
不是这样的
It doesn't work like that.
嘿 你们有没有
Hey, do you guys happen to have
什么地方方便我今晚睡一觉
a couch I could crash on tonight?
守护神什么时候关门
Dude, so what time does Patronies close?
- 对啊 - 我们真的去了
- Yes! - We totally went by there
灯都关了
and the lights were all off.
但这可能就是他们
But that's probably the reason
要倒闭的原因了吧
why they're closing, right?
太好了
Yeah!
哦 但是还有一堆车
Oh, and there's a bunch of cars
还在停车场停着 真奇怪
still in the parking lot, it's weird.
要怎么搞
So how does this work?
对啊 你能让我们像那个亚洲人一样火吗
Yeah, can you set us up like that Asian guy?
是的 他现在有自己的频道了
Yeah, he has his own channel now?
伙计…
Dude...
我们可以做"两个家伙"
We could be the two dudes!
"两个家伙"
The two dudes!
别担心那个"女权至上2025"的留言
Dude, oh, oh, and don't worry about the Feminist2oh25 comments.
我们搞定了那个键盘战士
We totally handled that keyboard warrior.
她应该帮这个世界一个忙自杀得了
Yeah, she should do the world a favor and just kill herself.
哇 老兄
Whoa, dude.
我们想说的是
Look man, what we're trying to say is that
你是个鼓舞人心的人
you're an inspiration, man.
你是互联网上唯一的诚实人
You're the only truth teller on the internet.
唯一一个
Only one.
谢谢 伙计们 但我没带器材
Thanks guys, but look, I don't have my equipment.
- 祝你们今晚玩得开心 - 没关系
- So you guys have a good night. - Oh dude, but that's okay
因为我带了我的
'cause I brought mine.
我们可以用我的
We could use mine.
我们下了车之后
We've been recording you since we
一直在录音
got out of the car.
就为了让人们看到你在镜头外的样子
You know, for people to see how you are off camera.
你懂吗
You know what I mean?
我迫不及待想发这个视频出去了 期待各种评论
I can't wait to see the comments when I post this.
我爸爸说永远不要去见你心目中的英雄
Dude, my dad said never to meet your heroes,
但你真人真的很酷
but like, in person you're totally dope.
我们都不知道什么时候
Yeah, we didn't even know when we
能刚好碰上你一个人
were gonna catch you by yourself.
我一直以为你会一直
I always thought that you'd be all
被女性包围呢
around all the females, you know?
但你毕竟现在还在卧底 所以
But I guess you are still undercover, so,
是的 有道理
yeah, that makes sense.
好了
So yeah man.
萨米 下一个派对什么时候
Uh, Sammy, when my friend, is the next party?
今晚还有篝火吗
Yeah, is there another bonfire tonight?
- 篝火 - 篝火
- Bonfire! - Bonfire!
- 今晚 - 篝火
- Tonight! - Bonfire!
把那个关掉 拜托了
Turn that off man, come on.
拜托了
Ah, come on man.
篝火
Yeah, bonfire!
把它关掉
Man, turn it off!
什么
What?
我们刚刚遇到了天天和狗子们说再见的播主
Just met the president of Peace Up, Bash Down channel,
山姆·赞德先生 你们知道吗
Mr. Sam Zander, and you know what?
他完全没有你想的那么酷
He's not even as cool as you think.
他更像是一个孤独的灵魂
He's more of a lone soul, so needless to say,
我们不再是粉丝了
we're no longer fans.
萨姆·赞德
Sam Zander.
应该叫萨姆·骗子
More like Sam Phony.
把它关掉
Turn it off, dude!
别碰他的手♥机♥
Don't touch his phone, bruh.
你就要成为世界明星了 兄弟
You're about to become World Star famous, bro.
可不嘛
Yeah, dude.
请收看萨姆·赞德
We got Sam Zander, president of Peace Up,
被打视频直播
about to get bashed down channel!
- 哦 - 太好了
- Oh! - Yeah!
世界明星
World Star!
嘿 你来吗
Hey, you comin'?
他会回来取车的
He's gotta come back for his car sometime.
嘿
Hey.
你没事吧
You okay?
上车
Come.
来吧
Come on.
怎么这么慢
- 你去哪了 - 他刚刚在停车场
他没有危险吧
他看起来很危险
我老婆觉得你长得像布拉德·皮特
My life thinks you look like Brad Pitt.
谢谢你
Thank you.
过来
Come.
给你
Here you go.
这只是一个阶段
It's just a phase.
在经历这个阶段的时候
When you're in it, you think it might
你可能会觉得永远如此
be that way forever.
60年代是自♥由♥恋爱的年代
The 60s were about free love.
70年代出现了嬉皮士
The 70s, with the hippies.
80年代出现了可♥卡♥因♥和慢跑
The 80s with the cocaine and jogging.
如今 倾听的艺术已不复存在
Today, the art of listening is gone
就因为这些技术的发展
because of all these technologies.
但这只是一个阶段 约翰尼
But it's just a phase, Johnny.
嗯
It's um,
萨姆
Sam.
我的名字叫萨姆
My name's Sam.
这是个好名字
That's a good name.
我的孙子也叫萨姆
My grandson's Sam.
有时候当坏事发生在我身上
You know, sometimes when bad things happen to me,
我就对自己说 吉尔勒莫
I say to myself, "Guillermo."
你难不成想做一只鸟吗
谢谢
Thanks.
这只是一个阶段罢了