麦克斯替卡罗琳的感情把关
More lemonade, sir?
再来点柠檬水吗 先生
Full disclosure, it's a pitcher of water
事先声明 这其实是一壶
we can't get the lemon taste out of.
我们去不掉柠檬味的水
Sir?
先生
Max, either this guy's pretending to be dead
麦克斯 这男的如果不是装死
to get out of paying the check
来骗霸王餐
or Oleg's chili has killed again.
就是奥列格的辣椒又害死人了
This is my Earl mirror.
这是我的厄尔小镜
I use it during naps to make sure he's still breathing.
是我在他小睡时专门用来探鼻息的神器
And % of the time he is.
而八成时候他都还有呼吸
Han, there's a dead body at table three,
阿憨 第三桌有个死人
the saddest place to die other than table two.
这是除了第二桌之外 最悲哀的死处了
Oleg, get out here!
奥列格快出来
Someone's deader than Max's emotions.
有人比麦克斯的内心还死翘翘
I really should throw away that chili.
我真该把那批辣椒给扔了
Let's prop him up outside with a Salvation Army bucket.
把他放到街上 再放个捐款筒
Whatever he collects, we split in the morning.
他这尸体能讨到多少善款 我们明早分了
Uh, count me out.
我就不参加了
If they catch the five of us with a dead body,
如果条子抓到我们五个人与这个尸体
you know they're gonna blame the black guy.
想都不用想 肯定是我这黑人扛罪
Okay, everyone grab a limb and lift.
一人抓一肢把他抬起来
How's everything tasting?
餐点味道还满意吗
Max, you're not gonna believe it.
麦克斯 你一定不敢信
Bobby's in the shower!
鲍比在我们家洗澡呢
That's how much he likes me, he's using our shower.
他就是这么喜欢我 连我们家浴室都敢用
He makes me so happy.
他令我太开心了
Yeah, I heard.
我都"听"到了
It sounded like someone was trying to connect
那叫声听起来像是有人想在我们家
with a dialup modem out here.
用拨号上网一样
早年拨号上网连接时会有特殊怪声
Sorry.
对不起啦
That's just what I sound like when I go online.
我连"上"网时就是这声响
But really, he makes me feel like that all the time.
但说真的 他让我每分每秒都如此快乐
He's perfect. We're perfect.
他好完美 我跟他太完美
Caroline, you shouldn't get too carried away.
卡洛琳 你别一下子就忘乎所以
Nothing is perfect.
世上没有什么完美的事
Except that game I pitched for the Yankees.
除了我帮纽约洋基队投球的那场完全比赛
完全[美]比赛是棒球界最难成就之一
Actually, it is perfect.
其实真的是完美无缺
We're amazing together,
我跟他是天生一对
and I really don't want to hear from Negative Nancy.
而且我也不想听毒鸡汤女王的评论
What the... who's Negative Nancy?
谁... 谁是毒鸡汤女王啊
Everyone knows I go by "Negative Juggs McGee."
谁不知道老娘的诨号是"毒奶波霸"
I'm just saying you don't know him that well yet.
我只是想说你还没真正了解他
I know what this is about, and it's not me and Bobby.
我知道你为什么这么说 跟我与鲍比无关
You're worried I'm gonna get hurt
你是担心我哪天受伤
because of what happened between you and Randy.
因为有你跟兰迪的前车之鉴
It's not about that.
跟那个才没关系
I just know guys,
我只是特别了解男人
and you haven't been in a relationship
而你上一次谈恋爱的时候
since Ben was the best Affleck.
大本还是最棒的那个阿弗莱克呢
本·阿弗莱克与弟弟卡西·阿弗莱克都是演员
近年弟弟的作品与声势丝毫不输哥哥
Hey there.
两位
It's amazing, I'm somehow less clean now
真是绝了 我洗完澡后
than when I went in.
莫名其妙比洗之前更脏了
I gotta get going, babe.
宝贝 我得先走了
I'll meet you at the dessert bar.
到时候跟你在甜品酒吧见
We're having lunch with his mom and his sister.
我们要跟他妈妈与姐姐共进午餐
I'm almost part of the family now.
我也差不多算是家庭的一员了
Well, if you were part of the family
如果你真的是我家的人
you'd be addicted to Diet Pepsi
那你会对无糖百事可乐上瘾
and get into mall fights on Black Friday.
而且会在黑色星期五特卖跟人打起来
Then I might be a cousin.
那我们可能是亲戚啊
Oh, you know what? I'll walk you out.
这样吧 我送你出去
If Homeless Larry tries to grab you,
要是流浪汉拉里想抓你
I can fend him off. Yeah.
我可以把他挡开 好啊
Oh, careful, he's got barbecue tongs now.
小心点 他现在还有兵器烤肉夹了
Look at those two.
看看这对小情侣
That PDA is making me want to MASTU...
大庭广众秀恩爱让我想"自己身寸...
Ah, I would stop you,
我想让你别说
but I doubt you know what comes after U.
但我好奇你"身寸"后面接什么
Usually me.
身寸"我"后面
What do you guys want?
你们俩有何企图
Well, we're looking for some entertainment.
我们想找点新娱乐
Oleg and I have bingewatched everything.
我跟奥列格最近狂看了各种节目
You know, we even watched the Santa Clarita Diet.
我们连超难看的《小镇滋味》都看了
Now that's one diet I'm not gonna stick to.
那可真是这辈子都不想再尝的"滋味"啊
Oh, Bobby must have left his phone here.
鲍比好像把手机忘在这里了
Oh, crap. What's wrong?
靠 怎么了
It's a text from Bobby's ex, Jessica.
是鲍比的前女友杰西卡的短信
It says, "Call me about baby."
写着"打给我 是宝宝的事"
Do Bobby and Jessica have a baby?
鲍比跟杰西卡有宝宝了吗
Are they going to have one?
还是他们要生一个
And why does Bobby have a rose gold iPhone?
还有为什么鲍比会用玫瑰金的苹果手机啊
Maybe he got it with his yearly mammogram.
说不定是他做年度乳♥房摄影检查时送的
I knew this relationship was too good to be true.
我就知道这段感情好得蹊跷
Looks like I'm not Negative Nancy,
我果然不是毒鸡汤女王
more like Reality Check Rita.
而是醒醒吧一姐
Then why the hell have I been calling you Max?
那我以前干嘛叫你麦克斯啊
Oh, just a headsup,
先提醒一下
Bobby's family is on its way over,
鲍比的家人正在来的路上
so any Xrated puppeteering you have to do,
你想做的任何限制级布偶演出
now is the time.
请在现在就表演完
Speaking of Bobby and people he knows,
说到鲍比与他认识的人
uh, does he still talk to what'shername, Jessica?
他跟那个什么杰西卡还有联络吗
Pfft, no.
当然没有
She is long gone, like my bangs
早已是过去式 就如同我的刘海
or democracy.
与这国家的民♥主一样
Bobby never brings her up.
鲍比从来不会提起她
We just talk about our common interests,
我们通常都是聊我们的共同爱好
like how much we like my hair
比如我们有多喜欢我的秀发
or how pretty I am.
以及我有多漂亮
Yeah, but circling back to other people,
再绕回刚才说到的其他人
which is very hard with you,
真的很难跟你聊除你以外的事物
Jessica, do they talk? Text?
杰西卡 他们还有通话 短信
Share custody?
或共同抚养权吗
Max, why are you asking about her?
麦克斯 你为什么一直要问她
Jessica is his exgirlfriend.
杰西卡是他的前女友
All Bobby's ever said about her is that she's a wedding planner
鲍比只说过她是一名婚礼规划师
and she's out of his life.
他们早就没联络了
I know that's hard for you to believe,
我知道这对你来说很难相信
like the moon landing.
就像当年的月球登陆一样
You never see their faces.
又没人看见太空人的脸
They brought back no cheese. Just saying.
他们也没有带回来乳酪 信不信由你
这句话源自于"月球是由新鲜乳酪做成" 是指人
盲目好骗的俗语
Now, please, just drop it. Fineah!
好了 你别在扯这事 好啦
Fineah.
好啦
Oh, hi, Denise.
丹妮斯你来啦
Where's your mom and Bobby?
你妈妈跟鲍比呢
Oh, we don't ride the subway together
我们不搭同一班地铁
in case there's a crash.
以防发生意外时全家团灭
Somebody's gotta be around for Black Friday.
家里总得有人活着迎战黑色星期五特卖
Well, now that Bobby's sister is here,
现在鲍比的姐姐来了
I don't wanna mess up your perfect brunch.
我就不给你们的完美早午餐添乱了
I'm going to the diner, where the only perfect thing
我要过去餐厅了 那里唯一完美的事物
is the owltorat ratio.
就是猫头鹰与老鼠的黄金比例
So you own this place?
所以这家店是你的啊
Man, I'd love to be my own boss.
我也好希望能当自己的老板
Mine treats me like garbage.
我老板把我当垃圾一样对待
If I want to get freaky with the UPS guy on my break,
如果我想在休息时间跟快递员"搞一发"
that's my time.
那也是我的私人时间
So what is it you do, besides the UPS guy?
所以你除了搞快递员还搞些什么
I work the counter at the Mail Boxes and Other Things.
我在"邮寄与其他事务"公司的柜台工作
It's like Mail Boxes Etc, but we have other things.
很像"邮寄与其他"公司 但我们有"其他事务"
I know it sounds cool,
我知道听起来很酷炫
but my boss is always on me.
但我老板总是找我麻烦
Well, maybe you should talk to your boss.
或许你该跟你老板谈谈
You know, tell him how you feel, stand up for yourself.
把你的心情告诉他 维护自己的权利
I'm not great with confrontation,
我不太擅长跟人正面对峙
partially because I had bad depth perception.
部分原因是因为我不知"深浅"
Like, I have no idea how far away you are right now.
比如我现在就搞不清你跟我的距离
I'm right here.
我就在这
On second base.
在"二垒"上
Well, I think you're great,
我觉得你人很好
and not inappropriate at all.
而且行为完全不会不合适
And if your boss can't see that, well, maybe you should quit.
如果你的老板看不出这点 或许你该辞职
So the gentleman who looked like Abraham Lincoln,
那个看起来像林肯总统的男人
was that a hipster or an Orthodox Jew?
是留胡子的非主流 还是正统犹太人
Either way, I don't understand why you gave him a dollar.
无论是哪种 我不懂你为啥塞给人家一块钱
Mom, I quit!
妈 我辞职
Wait, your mom is your boss?
等等 你妈就是你老板吗
Is it the UPS man?
是因为快递员吗
He's your godfather. It's untoward.
他可是你教父啊 太有违伦理了
Where's this coming from?
辞职想法哪来的
From my new best friend
我最新的挚友
and womeninbusiness mentor,
以及商界女性的导师
Caroline.
卡洛琳
You told my daughter to quit working for me?
你让我女儿从我这里辞职吗
I'm sure she meant a different Caroline.
我相信她是在说另一个卡洛琳
I don't know.
我不知道啊
Everything got blurry after she touched my boobs.
她摸完我胸之后 我意识就模糊了
Han, I'm about to say what you said to me
阿憨 我要对你说一句
when you were trying to get into an Rrated movie.
你让我带你去看限制级电影时说的话了
I need your help.
我需要你的帮忙
I told you three times, I don't fit up drain pipes.
我跟你说过三次了 我钻不进排水管
Listen, I just saw this text on Bobby's phone
听我说 我在鲍比的手机上
from his exgirlfriend, Jessica.
看到他前女友杰西卡给他的短信
I think they might have a secret baby together.
我觉得他们私底下有个宝宝
Wow, that would really devastate Caroline.
这事绝对会让卡洛琳崩溃
More importantly,
但更重要的是
Bobby and I are rose gold buddies.
我跟鲍比是玫瑰金兄弟啊
I just have to make sure before I say anything
我想在说出任何让卡洛琳惊慌失措的话前
to panic Caroline.
先去确认过
I need to do some detective work,
我想先去明察暗访一下
so you and I are gonna go down
你跟我一起去
to Jessica's wedding planning business
杰西卡的婚礼规划公司
and pretend we're a couple.
然后假装是一对情侣
Obviously I'll be the groom.
显然 我来当新郎
Max, this might come as a surprise to you,
麦克斯 这事虽然你可能听了会惊讶
but I'm a very busy man.
但我很忙好吗
I don't have time for your sophomoric high jinks.
我没时间陪你去幼稚胡闹
Uh, that's what they said to Adam Sandler,
大家也这么说亚当·桑德勒的喜剧电影
and it only made him richer.
结果只让他更富上加富了
I'm flattered I was your first choice.
作为你的陪伴首选 我深感荣幸
Man, she asked me five people ago.
兄弟 我早你好几轮就被邀请了
I think she was down to you or a broom,
她好像问到最后就剩你跟扫帚
and the broom was busy.
而扫帚又在忙
If I'm doing this, we have to use our best acting skills,
如果我真陪你去 那我们得拿出最佳的演技
cause who's gonna believe you landed me?
毕竟谁会相信你能钓到我这金龟婿'
Ugh, really wish Steve the Broom didn't have Pilates at :.
要是"扫帚"先生点没普拉提课就好了
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Ferraro.
真的很对不起 菲拉罗太太
I had no idea you were the awful boss
我真的不知道你就是那个
that was making her life miserable.
让她生活苦不堪言的恶魔老板
Bobby, why didn't you tell me
鲍比 你为何没告诉我
your mom owns a Mail Boxes and Other Things?
你妈妈有一家"邮寄与其他事务"啊
I didn't want you to date me for the unlimited bubble wrap.
我怕你因为我家无限♥量的气泡膜而爱我
Denise can't cope out in the world.
丹妮斯无法适应外面世界
You know how many times she's touched
你明知道她摸过
our neighbor's electric fence.
我们邻居的通电篱笆多少回了
To be fair, they installed it
讲道理 他们装电篱笆
to keep her from falling in their pool.
也是为了防止她再掉进他们泳池
Well, you did this. You take care of it.
事是你惹的 你得负责摆平
She's your responsibility now.
她现在是你的责任了
Bobby, bring home some deserts for me.
鲍比 帮我外带一点甜品回家
From Dunkin'!
从甜甜圈连锁店带
Bobby, I am so sorry.
鲍比 真的很对不起
I don't want our first fight to be over a misunderstanding.
我不想我们首次吵架是因为一些误会
I want it to be about something important,
我希望我们是因为某件大事而吵
like if you want a soul patch.
比如你想留唇下一撮小胡子
We're not fighting.
我们不是吵架
This is a bump.
只是点小摩擦
I think you're overreacting.
你反应过度了
Then why are you yelling?
那你干嘛吼我
I'm not yelling.
我没吼你啊
Man, what's with all the yelling?
天啊 怎么吼成这样了
Oh, Oleg, let's see where this goes.
奥列格 快来看好戏
It's already better than everything on Amazon.
已经比亚马逊拍的所有电视剧都好看了
Just with it was a little bit more Game of Thronesy.
要是能更《权力的游戏》风就好了
And by that, I mean a little more topless.
我指的是 露奶什么的
And by that I mean, oh, oh,
而露奶我指的是
Bobby.
鲍比露
Caroline, we're not fighting.
卡洛琳 我们真不是吵架
But please, don't get in the middle
但拜托你以后别再介入
of my ma and Denise again.
我妈跟丹妮斯之间的事了
My aunt tried once.
我阿姨试过一次
Now she's really scared of ceiling fans.
现在她超级害怕吊扇
I gotta go. I still can't find my phone.
我得走了 我还是找不到我的手机
Oleg, this is our new show.
奥列格 这是我们消遣的新节目
Grab the popcorn from my purse.
快把我包里的爆米花拿出来
You want cheddar cheese or kettle corn?
你想吃咸的还是甜的
You know I can hear you, right?
你们知道我听得见你们说话 对吧
Okay, this must be Jessica's office.
这里肯定是杰西卡的办公室
Oh, here, better put this on for the bit.
给 最好把这个戴上
This was smuggled out of North Korea
这可是来自朝鲜
by my greatgrandfather in his great backside.
是我曾祖父藏在屁♥股里偷带出来的
Oh, the classic tush cut.
经♥典的屁♥股形切割
Now remember, we're detectives.
记住 我们是侦探
We're like Cagney
我是警花
and the only guy I could get to come with me.
而你是唯一能拖来跟我办案的家伙
Hi.
你们好呀
You must be Max and Han.
你们肯定是麦克斯和阿憨
I'm Jessica.
我是杰西卡
Thanks so much for coming in.
非常感谢你们能来店里
Oh, you guys are so super cute.
你们这对真是超级无敌可爱
How does our cuteness compare to, say, a baby?
我们的可爱度能直逼...宝宝吗
Wow, you're thinking ahead.
你们想得真远
Or are you expecting a little one?
还是你已经怀有小不点了
Ha, I've already got a little one.
我已经有一个小不点了
What about you?
你呢
Making fun of my size is kind of our thing.
取笑我的身型是我们专属的秀恩爱方式
Like, making sweet love.
比如还有 甜蜜地滚床单
So I'm with child. Are you?
所以我有"孩子" 你呢
Actually, I'm...
老实说 我...
So for the wedding,
关于婚礼
I was thinking of a nature theme.
我想要自然主题
Something in the park, whimsical of course,
在公园里举办 各种奇思妙想
with lanterns and flowers, a big tent.
比如彩灯和鲜花 以及一个大帐篷
Oh, oh, really?
你不是吧
You want a big top, Peewee? Jessica was talking.
小笑星你还想要大帐篷啊 别打断杰西卡
Sorry, dear.
抱歉 亲爱的
The old ball and chain hates when I get a word in.
我老伴很讨厌我插嘴
Sign me up for a lifetime.
让我们长相厮守 永不插嘴
Sorry, uh, I missed what you were saying about having a baby.
抱歉 我刚没听清你说生小孩的事
We're not here to talk about me.
今天的主角可不是我
Let's talk about you and your affair.
是你们和你们的喜事[婚外情]
Oh, I'm definitely gonna have one.
放心 我绝对会有的
Thanks for texting, Caroline.
多谢发短信给我 卡洛琳
I've been a little lost since you made me quit my job with Ma.
自从你让我炒掉我妈后 我有点迷失方向
Mostly 'cause I couldn't find the L train.
大部分是因为我找不到来这儿的地铁
But I saw a guy kill a chicken.
但我看见一个男人杀一只鸡呢
I thought you and I could get together
我是想着跟你聚一聚
and figure out your next career move,
一起想想你职业生涯的下一步该怎么走
which does not necessarily need to be forward.
其实不一定要往前走
No, I'm not going back to my ma's store
不 我才不会回我妈的店里
no matter how much I miss hiding in boxes
无论我有多怀念藏在箱子里
and scaring people.
到处吓唬别人
Well, let's brainstorm on your next career move.
让我们发散思维 想想你该找什么工作
I've always wanted to be a model.
我一直很想当模特
I've been told I look great with my pants down.
有人说我不♥穿裤子时美呆了
You are more than just a body.
你的价值并不止于那身皮囊
Hmm, sometimes I'm not so sure.
有时候我也不确定
Hey, what about working here?
不如我在这儿工作吧
How hard can it be? You do it.
能有多难 你都做得来
Actually, this job requires a lot...
老实说 这份工作需要很多...
You don't have to talk me into it. I'll do it.
你不用再说服我了 我就在这儿干了
Give me the Frisbee with the drinks on it.
把装有饮品的飞盘给我
Okay, I guess you could help out until Max gets back.
好吧 你就帮忙到麦克斯回来就好
Or until someone gets hurt, probably me.
又或者到有人受伤了 那个人很可能是我
As magic hour descends over the city,
傍晚时分 夕照城市
Max and I will retire to the honeymoon suite
我和麦克斯将前往我们的蜜月套房
where she carries me over the threshold.
而她会抱着我 跨过门槛
通常是新郎抱着新娘跨过门槛
Excited for what's to come.
接下来会发生什么 想想都激动
Well, it's not gonna be either of us.
反正来什么 我们俩都不会来[高♥潮]
So, uh, back to you, Jess.
说回你吧 小杰
Ooh, the party favors could be little compasses
派对礼品可以是小指南针
that lead you to your table.
这样能指引客人入席
Or to a waiting escape boat.
或引到一艘等着的逃生船
Are you sure you two are right for each other?
你俩确定彼此适合结为夫妻吗
Are you kidding?
开什么玩笑
I am obsessed with him.
我爱死他了
We're two people madly in love. Right, Max?
我们俩疯狂地爱着彼此 对吧 麦克斯
Bring those lips over here and...
快把你的香唇献上
don't forget to invite your tongue to the party.
别忘了接吻的时候舌头不能缺席哦
Oh, I'm sure she can see we're in love
我相信她能看出来我们彼此相爱
without having to put our mouths on each other.
不需要嘴对嘴来证明
Please.
适可而止好吗
She's shy. Once she starts,
她是害羞啦 一旦她来劲
it's hard to put the snake back in the can.
就很难劝这头猛虎归山了
Could you feel the heat from where you are?
你能从那里感受到我们俩的热情吗
Are you wearing lip gloss?
你是擦了润唇膏吗
Listen, I've been down this road before.
听着 我也曾走过这条路
With a stroller?
是推着婴儿车走吗
I'm just asking because that's how I push him around.
我随口问问 因为我都是用婴儿车推他的
This wedding isn't making it to the banquet hall.
这场婚礼肯定撑不到设宴就闹掰了
I don't even think it's making it to the car.
我觉得你们甚至撑不到你们停车那里
You two should go.
你们俩还是走吧
You're moody.
你脾气好差啊
Uh, are you pregnant?
是不是怀孕啦
Are you sure you want the flantinis?
你们确定要点果馅饼提尼吗
Little tip, go buy yourself a tub of Breyers
小建议 自己去买一桶冰淇淋
and a bottle of vodka and save yourself bucks.
和一瓶伏特加 就能省下这美元哦
Okay, let's go back over this.
好吧 我们再来温习一遍
The job of a waitress is to get people to buy things here.
服务员的工作是让人们在我店里买东西
Also you're standing on my feet right now.
还有 你踩到我的脚了
Are you sure? Because I don't feel anything.
你确定吗 因为我一点感觉都没有
Gosh, you know what? Denise is my favorite character.
天啊 丹妮斯真是我最喜欢的角色
I bet you she looks like a million bucks
我敢说她不♥穿裤子的时候
with her pants down.
一定美呆了
You know who looks like million bucks
你知道谁的裙子脱到脚踝时
with her skirt around her ankles?
比她美上一千倍吗
How... how...
我...我...
How did I get so lucky?
我怎么会这么幸运呢
There she is,
她果然在这
my big shot daughter who doesn't need me anymore.
我不再需要自己妈妈 出人头地的女儿
And the woman who keeps taking my babies from me.
还有那个不停抢走我孩子的女人
I'm getting a drink.
我去拿杯酒喝
Oh, great, now they're all working here.
这下好啦 他们全家都在这工作了
Denise called my ma to brag about her new job
丹妮斯打给我妈 跟她吹嘘
at your dessert bar.
在你甜品酒吧的新工作
Bobby, I know you said not to get involved,
鲍比 我知道你说过不要介入她俩
but I wanted to end our fight.
但我只是想结束咱俩之间的争吵
Also, I think your sister may have broken my pinky toe.
还有 我想你姐姐可能踩断了我的小脚趾
Oh, that's my fault.
是我不好
I didn't teach you the stop sign when she gets too close.
我没有教你当她靠太近时 要摆出的停止手势
Am I too close?
我靠得太近吗
FYI, Ma, it's going great here.
对了 妈 我在这里一切顺利
Well, if things are going so great,
如果真有这么顺利
why don't you get your own place
为什么你不搬出去
and start toasting your own waffles in the morning?
开始自己早上做华夫饼给自己吃的日子
Maybe I will.
或许我会
Maybe I'll move in with Caroline,
或许我会搬去跟卡洛琳一起住
and she can teach me how to use her toaster oven.
她可以教我怎么用她的烤箱
We actually have a pretty small place,
我们家这尊小庙容不下你这尊大菩萨
and our toaster oven is being used
而且我们的烤箱现在是用来
as a tanning bed for mice.
给老鼠当日光晒床
Oleg texted me this show was good.
奥列格发短信说 这节目很好看
I just finished The Walking Dead.
我刚看完《行尸走肉》
It hit a little too close to home.
有点感触太深 深到我心坎里了
Yeah, have a seat.
快坐下
The crazy mom just showed up.
抓狂老妈刚出场
And the hot sister is yelling at her.
性感姐姐正跟她吵呢
Caroline!
卡洛琳
I'm not being negative, but Bobby's a dirtbag.
不是我毒鸡汤 但鲍比就是一人♥渣
I'm % sure he has, had,
我百分之百肯定他已 曾有
or is going to have a baby with Jessica.
或准备要跟杰西卡生个宝宝
And I'm % sure
我百分之百肯定
I'm gonna have a cold sore in the morning.
我明天早上会长唇疱疹
Baby? What's going on?
宝宝 怎么回事
Bobby, what is going on?
鲍比 这是怎么回事
This really is the golden age of TV.
这真是电视节目的黄金时代啊
Max, what are you talking about?
麦克斯 你在胡说什么
I'm talking about the text I saw on your phone
我说的是你手机上的短信
from Jessica about your baby.
我看见杰西卡发消息说你们的宝宝
What are you doing with my phone?
你为什么会拿到我手机
Bobby, do you have a baby with Jessica?
鲍比 你跟杰西卡有宝宝吗
Bobby, you have a baby with Jessica?
鲍比 你跟杰西卡有宝宝吗
That takes the sting out of losing Denise.
瞬间感觉失去丹妮斯也没这么难过了
A baby? I don't have a... oh.
宝宝 我没有...
Oh, wait. I have a cat.
等等 我有一只猫
A cat named Baby with Jessica.
它叫宝宝 跟杰西卡住在一起
So what's happening around here?
这里发生啥事这么热闹啊
Why didn't you just ask me?
你干嘛不直接问我
Because I was respecting your boundaries,
因为我尊重你的隐私呀
which is why I stole your phone.
所以我才偷了你的手机啊
Makes sense.
无不道理
Her friend here forced my daughter
她的朋友逼着我的女儿
to abandon the family's business.
抛弃家族企业
Neither one of them knows about boundaries.
她们俩都不懂得什么叫底线[隐私]
I'm throwing these small glasses away.
我要把这些小玻璃杯扔掉
They're stupid.
太白♥痴了
Well, I'm pretty upset myself.
我真恨我自己
I wasted $ on the domain name
我白花块钱买了个域名
MaxAndHansWedding.Com.
麦克斯和阿憨的盛大婚礼
We're not really getting married!
我们又不是真的要结婚
We only went to see Jessica to find out
我们去见杰西卡只是为了查明
if she had a baby with Bobby, you boobie.
她是不是真的跟鲍比有宝宝 活宝
You went to see Jessica?
你们去见杰西卡了吗
Seems like everyone's in a fight except for me and Bobby.
看来人人都在吵架 除了我和鲍比
Oh, no, we're fighting now.
不 我们现在也在吵了
I saw that text on Bobby's phone,
我看见鲍比手机的短信
and I didn't want you getting hurt.
我不想你受到伤害
The only person who got hurt was me.
整件事唯一受到一万点伤害的是我
I kissed Han on the lips.
我跟阿憨嘴对嘴亲亲了
Max, you stalked his exgirlfriend without me?
麦克斯 你居然跟踪他的前女友不带我
Pretty shady move by your friend, Caroline.
你朋友这事干得太不地道了 卡洛琳
We may want to think about finding another roommate.
我们可能要考虑另觅室友了
Okay, that's enough.
好了 真是够了
Denise, you need to go back and work for Ma,
丹妮斯 你得回去继续帮妈干活
and not only because that's the only job you're capable of doing,
不仅仅是因为那是你唯一做得来的工作
but also 'cause Ma's lost without you.
而且没了你 妈浑身不自在
And, Max, you need to trust
而你 麦克斯 你得相信
that I'm not like every other dirtbag.
我跟其他渣男不一样
And, Caroline, when two people love each other,
卡洛琳 当两个人相爱时
they're gonna fight.
肯定会发生争吵
Are the two people that love each other us?
你说的相爱那两个人是指我们吗
Don't get bullied into anything, Bobby.
鲍比 别轻易被逼宫而就范
Of course I'm talking about us.
我当然是说我们啦
I love you, Caroline.
我爱你 卡洛琳
I love you, too.
我也爱你
Great.
好棒
Two white people falling in love.
两个白人坠入爱河
You don't ever see that on TV.
电视史上"头一回"呢
You know what, Ma? This place is dumb.
其实呢 妈 这店蠢爆了
I'll come back and work at Mail Boxes and Other Things.
我回来"邮寄与其他事务"工作吧
You know what?
你知道吗
You're the other thing.
你就是其他事务
Come here.
来抱抱
Oleg, get the butt wipes out of my bag.
奥列格 用我包的婴儿屁屁湿纸巾擦
This is a real tearjerker.
让我感动到都哭湿了
My second favorite kind of jerker.
这是我第二爱的那种"湿了"
I should get going, too.
我也该走了
I gotta check some text messages.
我得去看一下我的短信
And why is my screensaver a shirtless Vin Diesel?
为什么我的屏保变成裸上身的肌肉男星
You're welcome.
不用谢
You know trust is hard for me.
你知道我这人很难信任别人
That's why I got kicked out of Cirque du Soleil.
所以我才因此被踢出太阳马戏团
You're the first person in my life I can actually count on.
你是我此生第一个可以托付之人
Be so great if they made out right now.
她们如果现在开始亲热就太赞了
You were the first person I could count on, too.
你也是我此生第一位可以依靠之人
I love you, Max.
我爱你 麦克斯
Okay, we're not there yet.
好吧 我们还没情深到那个地步