姐妹花应邀赴大学演讲

Ladies and waitresses,
女士们与女服务员们
I am the great Handini!
我就是大魔术师憨迪尼
Somewhere there's a top of a wedding cake
世上某个婚礼蛋糕顶上装饰品的
missing its groom.
新郎娃娃跑掉了
美国在犯某些较轻微交规后 选择交罚款或选择回去驾校上课来抵消扣分
I went to traffic school this weekend
我上周末重上驾校了
and was taught by a magician.
教练是个魔术师
My traffic school was taught by a comedian.
我重回驾校的时候 教练是说单口相声的
It wasn't funny, but at least I saw
过程并不好笑 不过好歹知道了
单口相声演员 一直没怎么火起来
what Jon Lovitz was up to.
乔恩·拉威茨他最近在忙啥
Did you get a DWI?
是因为"小酌后驾车"被开单吗
Driving while ittybitty?
又小又拙后驾车
I ran a series of red lights.
我连闯了好几个红灯
I received word there had been a Squirtle sighting.
就为了去传闻中出现杰尼龟的地方抓神奇宝贝
And now, I'm about to pull a rabbit
现在 我要从帽子里
out of a hat. Big deal.
变出一只兔兔 有啥了不起
I just pulled half a raccoon out of the toilet.
我刚还从厕所变出半只浣熊呢
Presto!
急急如律令
This is making me depressedo.
悲催到要"令"我泪如雨下了
Where are you?
小兔兔你去哪啦
Pick up.
上菜
Salad with a rabbit on it.
兔子沙拉
He just can't serve a salad without a hare in it.
他的"夹毛"沙拉总是让人想"兔"
Amazing news:
天大好消息
I found a penny.
我捡到了一分钱
And our dessert bar is in Time Out Magazine.
还有 我们的甜品酒吧上了知名杂志啦
Where are they now? Pizza Rat!"
"披萨鼠 你们都到哪去了""
是网上曾经爆红过的一个小视频有一只咬着一片披萨要带回家的老鼠
Not that. Our piece is right here
不是那篇 我们的报导
next to this Walking Dead ad.
是在《行尸走肉》广告隔壁这篇
美国杰出男演员 出生于年年确诊患上咽喉癌
Oh, wait, that's Michael Douglas.
不对 不是广告 是迈克·道格拉斯
So, the walking dead.
那的确是行尸走肉没错
Former scandal queen Caroline Channing's
"前丑闻女王卡洛琳·钱宁"
cozy Brooklyn dessert bar, M&C's, that's beaut"
布鲁克林的温馨甜品酒吧"麦与卡" 美..."
Caroline Channing's dessert bar"?
"卡洛琳·钱宁的甜品酒吧"吗"
This place isn't like your sex life, Caroline.
卡洛琳 这店又不是你的性生活
You're not doing it all by yourself.
不是全靠你自己"一手"撑起
I don't even do it by myself anymore.
我现在都不跟自己"性生活"了
I was talking too much,
嫌弃自己这个炮♥友话太多
and, look, I mentioned you right here.
你看 我在这里提起了你呢
"Partner."
"搭档"
I'm more than just the partner,
我不只是搭档
I'm the creative inspiration.
我是一切创作灵感的来源
I'm Steve Jobs
就好比我是乔布斯
这位胖子就是斯蒂夫·盖瑞·沃兹尼亚克与史蒂夫·乔布斯共同创办苹果电脑
and you're the fat guy that drives a Segway.
而你是他那个骑着代步车的胖子搭档
I tried to include you.
我试过让你参与进来
I told you the interview was on Monday,
我跟你说过访问是在周一
and you said that's your whippit night.
但你说周一夜是你的笑气夜
Oh, I whipped it.
我的确笑了呢
Whipped it good.
吸到嗨得不行
Caroline, back that ass up.
卡洛琳 拜托你大屁♥股挪远点
I don't want anyone too close to my baby.
我不想别人太接近我的宝宝
Is that why you dipped her in perfume?
所以你把她泡香水里 把别人熏跑吗
I want everyone to treat little Barbara
我希望大家对待芭芭拉宝宝
like Mariah Carey
就像对女星玛丽亚·凯莉一样
and never look directly in her eyes.
并敬畏到不敢直视她双眼
Is that why she's wearing sunglasses?
所以你让她戴墨镜吗
I just got off.
我刚"完事儿"
And also, I'm done with work.
上班也是刚完事儿
There's my girls.
我的女人们
We're not your girls, Oleg.
奥列格 我们才不是你的女人
I have it in writing from a judge.
我可是有来自法官的书面证明
Oleg, give her some space.
奥列格 别离她太近
Her spray tan hasn't even dried yet.
她的美黑都还没干呢
Sophie, I've been reading a parenting blog called
苏菲 我最近在读一个育儿的博客
So, You've Ruined Your Life,"
名叫"这下毁了自己人生了吧""
and they say it's very important for a dad to bond with his baby.
上面写 孩子父亲与孩子建立感情十分重要
I think that's only true for human dads.
这只对人类父亲有效
Maybe you can bond with the baby later.
你可以跟宝宝之后再建立感情
You know, like, when she has a baby.
比如等到她生了宝宝之后
I can't wait years.
我等不了年
Sophie, I'm her father.
苏菲 我是她爸爸
I helped make her.
她的诞生 我出了"材料"
This wasn't a Virgin Marski situation.
又不是圣母玛丽亚斯基 处女怀孕
There was nothing immaculate about this conception.
你们这对的"结合" 跟纯洁差了十万八千里
Well, the fun part's over now.
好玩的部分已经结束了
Yeah, she's mine.
她是我的
Excuse you.
好狗不挡路
She's getting really good with that thing.
她推车技术越来越纯熟了啊
I'm gonna do what I do when all women tell me
所有让我别接近她们的女人
not to be near them.
老子都会做一件事
I'm gonna follow her.
跟踪她
Uh, Caroline Channing?
卡洛琳·钱宁吗
Hi, I'm Doug Reynolds, I'm a professor at Wharton.
你好 我叫道格·雷诺兹 沃顿的教授
Hey, I went to Wharton.
我以前也在沃顿商学院上学
Yeah, I know.
我知道
I saw your interview in Time Out.
我在杂志上读到了你的访问
You mentioned it several times.
你提了好多次呢
Once when you were asked where the dessert bar was located.
其中一次是在人家问你甜品酒吧地点时
Well, it is east of Wharton.
的确是在沃顿的东边啊
布鲁克林在沃顿东北边约公里处
You haven't heard her Wharton song.
你还没听到她的沃顿小曲呢
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton ♪
♪ 沃顿 沃顿 沃顿 沃顿 ♪♪
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton Wharton, Wharton
♪ 沃顿 沃顿 沃顿 沃顿 沃顿 ♪♪
Yeah, it's not a great song,
还真不是什么好曲儿...
but the story about how you built your business
但你摆脱父亲丑闻 涅槃重生
from the ashes of your father's infamy,
最终创业成功的故事
that's inspiring.
十分鼓舞人心
You're the business world's Rudy.
简直就是商界的《追梦赤子心》
年的美国知名真人真事改编体育电影讲一名运动员排除万难 实现梦想的故事
Well, now you're just quoting me.
你干嘛直接引用我的话来夸我啦
Hi, I'm "Partner."
你好 我是文中的"搭档"
Howdy, Partner.
你好 搭档
Hey, I teach a business class over at Penn
我现在在宾大教商科
because the stock market crashed in .
年股市崩♥盘后我就沦落去那里了
I would love it if both of you would come
我很希望能邀请到你们俩来
and talk to the students.
跟我的学生们聊聊
Like a scaredstraight thing?
是类似那种吓唬到不敢犯错吗
Not the pen.
不是监狱[音似宾大]
曾有节目是带坏小孩去监狱里 让犯人吓唬到乖
Penn, the University of Pennsylvania.
是宾大 宾夕法尼亚大学
That's where Wharton is.
沃顿是它的一个院系
If you'd listen to my whole song,
如果你好好听我的沃顿小曲
you'd hear it in the third verse.
你会在第三段听到我有提
We'd pay for your train to Philadelphia
我们会报销你们来费城的火车票
and campus housing.
还有免♥费校园住宿
We'd love to come.
我们很乐意去
Right, partner?
对吧 搭档
And my parole officer,
我的假释官
mother, guidance counselor,
母亲 辅导员
and the state of Rhode Island
还有罗德岛州政♥府
said I'd never go to college.
还说我这辈子进不了大学呢
I can get your email from the website.
我可以从网站上找到你的电邮
I'll send you the info.
我再把资料发给你
We have a site?
我们有网站啊
I hope there are no nudies of me on it
希望我们网站上没有放我的裸照
cause Larry Flynt owns the rights to my image.
因为我的裸照肖像权卖给情♥色杂志老板了'
You know what this means?
你知道这代表什么吧
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton
♪ 沃顿 沃顿 沃顿 沃顿 沃顿 ♪
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton...
♪ 沃顿 沃顿 沃顿 沃顿 沃顿... ♪
One bong or two?
带一个还两个大♥麻烟斗
Max, this is a business trip.
麦克斯 这是去出差
We're not going to ComicCon with Woody Harrelson.
又不是跟伍迪·哈里森去漫展
知名男演员 曾出演《惊天魔盗团》 支持大♥麻合法化
Wait, is that on the table?
等等 真有这个选项吗
Anyway, this is your trip for the dessert bar.
你是为了甜品酒吧出差 我不是
So again, one bong or two?
所以 带一个还两个
I am never gonna live down the "Partner" thing, am I?
"搭档"这件事你是打算说我一辈子了是吧
Like when I threw away those bath salts to save your life.
就像我为了救你 把"浴盐"扔了的事
一种迷幻药 曾发生过吸食者攻击流浪汉并啃咬掉他脸的"丧尸化"举动
I wasn't gonna eat your face.
我又没要啃掉你的脸
I am not having this argument with you again.
我不想再跟你吵这件事
I'm not mad about the partner thing.
我没有不爽搭档的事情
I'm excited to go to college. I already told Randy,
我对去大学可兴奋了 我已经告诉兰迪
and he's gonna send me a care package.
他说他会送我一份上学大礼
Emphasis on the package.
重点放在"大"
I broke up with my high school boyfriend
我之所以跟高中男友分手
when I went to college just to keep my options open.
为的就是能在大学里多挑挑
Pfft, you're in Time Out New York with Pizza Rat.
拜托 你可是跟披萨鼠出现在同期杂志的人
What's that loser doing now?
那个废柴现在能有多牛逼
It was Mark Zuckerberg.
他是马克·扎克伯格[脸书创办人]
Just tell me about the parties at college
跟我说说大学里的派对吧
cause that's the only reason I'm going.
我纯粹是因为这个才去的'
Oh, they were epic.
屌♥爆了
You know what they say,
人们常说
if you remember the parties at Wharton,
如果你能记得沃顿的每一个派对
you weren't there.
那肯定是因为你没去过
You weren't here, were you?
你是真的没去过 对吧
No. Okay.
没有 好吧
But some of those allnight study sessions
但好几个彻夜读书的夜晚
got pretty punchy.
后来都"酒"劲挺强啊
Like whackadoo.
像打地鼠游戏这么有劲
You're making me punchy right now.
你让我也很想使劲给你一拳
Hey, girls,
姑娘们
Oleg isn't here, is he?
奥列格不在这里吧
Do you hear us screaming "Get out" or "Put that away"?
你有听到我们大叫"滚"或"把那玩意收起来"吗
He keeps wanting to bond with the baby.
他一直不停想跟宝宝建立感情
Why can't he be more like the men in Poland?
他会什么就不能多像波兰的男人一点啊
Why can't he be in Poland is my question.
我更想知道他为什么不能人在波兰
I mean, they wouldn't even be in the same room as their baby girl
那里的男人甚至都不乐意跟女儿同处一室
until it was time to sell her off.
除非到了卖女儿那天
You know, my father's first words to me were,
我父亲对我说的第一句话是
Next item up for bid."
"下一件拍卖物""
I can't believe I'm saying this,
真不敢相信我会说这话
but Oleg's not wrong here.
但奥列格没有错啊
He's wrong, literally, everywhere else.
尽管他其他地方全是错
Oh, it must be Oleg.
肯定是奥列格
Hide us. Hide you?
快把娘俩藏起来 藏你们
That carriage can be seen from space.
你的婴儿车大到从太空都能看见
All right, tell Oleg I'm definitely not in the barn.
告诉奥列格我绝对不在畜棚里
Yeah, now,
好了
I'm gonna be in the barn.
我要去躲在畜棚里了
This is where we put up grad students
这里就是我们安置硕士生
and occasional guest lecturers
以及偶尔会有的
who are too poor to stay in a hotel.
没钱住酒店的客座教授
Losers.
废柴们
You guys got any towels?
你们有毛巾吗
You'll have to forgive Max.
请原谅麦克斯的无礼
She's just excited to be here.
她只是太兴奋来到贵宝地
We know, obviously, there'll be a bath sheet
我们知道你们这里铁定会有
and a hand towel for each of us.
两人份的大浴巾以及擦手毛巾
Right?
对吧
And here's your bedroom.
这里就是你们的寝室
I'm the RA, but don't worry,
我是宿管 不过别担心
I'm not super uptight.
我不是那种超严肃的人
Just no noise after :
只要十点之后不发出噪音就行
or I'll come at you hard.
否则我会要你小命
You'll have no problems from us.
我们绝不会给你惹麻烦
I was an RA when I went to school here.
我以前在这里读书的时候也是宿管
I'm Caroline Channing.
我是卡洛琳·钱宁
The.
传说中的那位
Caroline Channing?
卡洛琳·钱宁
You're Buzzkill Channing?
传说中的扫兴鬼钱宁吗
I knew Caroline wasn't your real name.
我就知道卡洛琳不是你的真名
You're the most legendary RA we've ever had.
你是我们这里神一般的宿管
I heard you once threw a kid out of a secondstory window.
我听说你有一次把学生从二楼窗口扔下楼
That's just a myth,
那只是江湖谣言
but a hookah pipe did take flight.
但的确是有一个水烟筒被打飞了
And I was a hookah by the airport.
而我也曾是机场附近的一名妓♥女[音似水烟]
Well, it's an honor to have your here, Buzzkill.
扫兴鬼大人造访 深感荣幸 蓬荜生辉
I'm gonna have to search your trash bag before you leave.
你离开前我得先搜一遍你的垃圾袋
Everything good's gonna be in my butt.
所有好东西都会藏在我屁♥眼里
She's fun.
她这人真有趣
Okay, let's unpack,
好了 来拿出行李吧
get our shower buckets organized.
分好我们各自的卫浴用品桶
I'm unpacked. Let's go partois.
我行李都拿出来了 去派对啦
How many flasks do you have?
你带了几个酒壶啊
I already took two away from you.
我都已经从你那里没收两个了
Now, you be the audience.
来 你当观众
I need to practice my speech for tomorrow.
我得练习♥我明天的演讲
We need to party.
我们需要去派对
Tonight needs to end with us driving a police car
今晚必须以我们驾着警车
into a fountain on the quad or it is a fail.
冲进学校中庭的喷水池里 不然就算没玩爽
I am not here to party.
我不是来派对的
I am here to to show people
我是来... 来告诉大家
with determination and perspiration,
只要有决心和努力
you can become an inspiration.
你也能鼓舞别人
Max, what do you think of that?
麦克斯 你觉得这句如何
Max?
麦克斯
Max?
麦克斯
I'm not organizing your shower bucket.
我才不帮你整理你的卫浴用品桶
Caroline, are you awake?
卡洛琳 你醒着吗
No.
没有
It's cool, she's up. Come on in.
没问题 她醒着 快进来
Who are these people?
这些人都是谁啊
I'm sorry, but we had to leave the bar.
对不起啊 可是我们不得不离开酒吧
The roof was on fire.
酒吧燃到爆了
DJ是想让派对燃爆
At first we thought the DJ was just getting the party started,
一开始我们以为
but it actually was.
没想到是真的火灾
Anyway, we'll try not to keep it down.
总之我们会尽量不保持安静的
Okay, who's next? I washed it out.
下一个是谁 我已经洗干净了
Nobody else throw up in this thing.
不许再有人呕吐进这玩意里了
I mean it.
真的不行哦
After I crush this,
等我把这杯干了
you wanna come back to my dorm room?
你要跟我一起回我宿舍吗
I have a junior suite.
我住的是小套房哦
You're sweet, Junior.
你真贴心 "小"子
but I have a boyfriend who could be your father.
但我男朋友的年纪都可以当你爹了
He also could be my father, I've never met the man.
他也可能是我爹 反正我从来没见过我亲爹
Uh, Buzzkill, :.
扫兴鬼来了 三点钟方向
Just a minute, young man.
等一下 小年轻
There is no underage drinking here.
这里不允许未成年人喝酒
This is college.
这可是大学啊
Hello?
你好
Oh, hi, Oleg.
是你啊 奥列格
I lost Sophie again.
我又找不着苏菲了
She's like a sexy set of car keys.
她就像一串性感的车钥匙
No random, uncommitted sex here.
不许随便跟人一夜♥情
This is college.
这可是大学啊
I have a computer full of videos that says you're wrong.
我有满满一电脑的视频可以证明你是错的
Oleg, I can't talk now.
奥列格 我现在没空
I have my own problems. I don't know where the RA is,
我有自己的事要烦 我不知道宿管去哪儿了
so I've had to step up.
所以我不得不出手去管他们
We're like the Marines of no funny business.
我们就像禁止学生鬼混的海军陆战队
That better not be a joint.
那最好别是大♥麻烟
Yeah, that's a doobie, brother.
没错 果然是 兄弟
Sophie won't even let me feed Barbara.
苏菲甚至不让我喂芭芭拉
She says fathers aren't equipped for the job.
她说父亲没能力胜任这份工作
Well, she does have a point. You don't have boobs.
她的确说得在理 你没有产奶的能力
Anyone ever tell you you're a real buzzkill?
有人跟你说过 你真是个扫兴鬼吗
I have to go.
我得挂了
I hear zippers unzipping.
我听到拉链拉开的声音
Were you just on the phone with Poison Control?
你刚是跟中毒控制中心打电话吗
Because I told you, Steve's gonna be fine.
我告诉你 史蒂夫死不了
See? Breathing, I think.
瞧 还喘着气呢吧
Now take off your top and shotgun a beer with me.
快把上衣脱了 跟我一起快饮啤酒
年轻人流行的喝啤酒方式 罐装啤酒底部戳洞酒罐直立打开拉环 从底下的洞喝
Max, my speech is tomorrow,
麦克斯 我明天就要演讲了
and this top gets a lot of compliments.
再说了 我这件上衣可是广受好评
I just want you to have fun at college for once.
我只是想你在大学里真正享乐一次
Can you do that for me?
你就当为了我好吗
I do things for you all the time.
我经常为了你做各种事
You remember when I told your date it was Chestnut that farted.
还记得有次我告诉你约会对象 放屁的是栗宝吗
Fine.
好吧
If I have one drink, will you roll Steve out of here
如果我喝一杯 你能把史蒂夫滚出去
and get everyone to leave?
让大家都离开这里吗
Buzzkill! Buzzkill! Buzzkill!
扫兴鬼 扫兴鬼 扫兴鬼
Who's the buzzkill now, bitches?
现在谁才是扫兴鬼呀 小婊砸们
Corrupting dorks is meaningful work.
带坏书呆真是有意义的工作
Who wants to see me pretend bang Steve again?
谁想看我再度假装上史蒂夫啊
Do it for real!
要上就真上
Caroline, what are you doing?
卡洛琳 你这是在干什么
You of all people should know,
你应该是最清楚
you can't have a party here.
这里不能开派对的人啊
This is college.
这可是大学啊
Pfft, get off my back, narc.
少啰嗦 小报告妹
Ooh, who's this?
这是哪位
My fiance.
我的未婚夫
Guess we gotta make it even.
看来也得赏你一个吻才能扯平
Oh, my God, I love College Caroline
额滴神啊 我爱死大学妹卡洛琳了
so much more than all other Carolines.
简直完胜所有其他版本的卡洛琳
Damn, college is fun.
妈蛋 大学真好玩
I'm glad I went.
很高兴我来了
Oh, no, I'm late!
糟糕 迟了
That's impossible.
不可能
You haven't had sex in years.
你好几年不做♥爱 经期肯定超准
Also, you look like an Italian grandmother.
另外 你看起来像意大利老奶奶
Oh, my God!
天啊
Who did this to me?
谁对我下的毒手
This was the compromise.
这算让步了好吗
They wanted to shave your head.
他们本来是要剃你的头发
I am still a little drunk,
我还有点宿醉
and I forget what was in my speech,
我想不起来我的演讲内容了
and I look like a very pretty Burt Reynolds
我看起来像是超好看版的伯特·雷诺兹
老牌男星 标配是八字胡
and this is all your fault!
这全都要怪你
Is the implication here that Burt Reynolds isn't pretty?
你的言下之意是伯特·雷诺兹本人不好看吗
Yes, it is my fault for forcing you
没错 怪我逼你
to have the time of your life
放开自己享受生活
and make out with those dudes.
跟男人们寻欢作乐
Max, you don't even
麦克斯 你甚至不...
dudes?
男人们
Plural?
还是复数
How many dudes?
多少男人
I lost count after the third Chet.
数到第三个叫切特的就没数了
I can't believe you did this to me.
真不敢相信你会对我做出这种事
It was more like you doing it to them.
其实更像是 你对他们"做"出这种事
Max, I am serious right now.
麦克斯 我很认真跟你说话呢
Calm down, Luigi.
冷静 路易基
马里奥的双胞胎弟弟
Max, I know you were mad
麦克斯 我知道你不爽
about the Time Out interview and the "partner" thing,
杂志采访和我称你为"搭档"这件事
but I can't believe you sabotaged me on purpose.
但我真不敢相信你会故意下套害我
Okay, first of all,
好吧 首先
I don't think about you that much.
我对你想法没有这么多
I am sorry I didn't give you credit,
抱歉我没说你也有功劳
but ruining this for me is so much worse.
但搞砸这事对我来说 严重太多了
This was gonna be my comeback.
这本是我的复出重头戏
I wasn't mad.
我没有不爽
You were the only one upset about it.
从头到尾只有你在不爽而已
I don't care about that stuff.
我完全不在乎那玩意
Honestly, I just wanted you to have a good time.
老实说 我只是想让你尽情享乐而已
I didn't need to have a good time.
我不需要享乐
I needed to make people jealous.
我需要的是让大家羡慕嫉妒恨
Who's gonna be jealous of me now?
现在谁还会对我羡慕嫉妒恨
Guys that can't grow facial hair?
长不出胡子的家伙吗
Look, you were great at school
听着 你在学校成绩很棒
and last night you were great at having fun at school.
昨晚你在学校玩得也很棒
You're lucky. I have last night,
你很幸运了 我只能拥有昨晚
but I'll never get to have both.
但我永远做不到会读又会玩
What're you talking about?
你在说什么啊
You're the smart one.
你是聪明优等生
You deserve your moment of triumph,
你该享有成功的时刻
but you also deserve not to be Buzzkill Channing
但你同时也该享有余生不被人称为
for the rest of your life.
扫兴鬼卡洛琳的权利
You really weren't mad about the interview?
你真的没有因为访问的事而不爽吗
A little,
有一点
but I'm always a little mad at you.
但我永远都在不爽你啊
I'm sorry if I screwed things up.
如果我害到你了 那很抱歉
You don't have to be.
不必了
I really did have fun, Max.
我的确玩得很开心 麦克斯
See if you like the googlyeyes I drew around your nipples.
看看你喜不喜欢我在你奶头上画的傻子眼睛
Fun how they go in different directions.
真有意思 眼珠子的方向还不一样呢
Sorry we're late.
抱歉我们来晚了
I had to scrub the googlyeyes off my
我得把大眼睛擦掉 因为画在我的...
bicycle traffic.
自行车太多 有点堵了
Well, let's get started.
我们开始吧
I'm supposed to have lunch with my son, Steve.
我本来应该跟我儿子史蒂夫吃午饭的
We had a little fight last night before he left for a party.
但昨晚他去派对前 我们俩吵了一架
If anything ever happened to him, I'd be devastated.
如果他发生什么不测 我一定会悲痛欲绝
Praying for a different Steve.
希望不是昨晚那个史蒂夫
Wow, you made out with half the people in this room.
这教室有一半的学生跟你亲热过
I'm pretty sure you got one of the Chets pregnant.
我敢肯定其中一个切特被你搞大肚子了
Caroline Channing is an alumni of Wharton,
卡洛琳·钱宁是沃顿的校友
and also the brains behind
同时也是布鲁克林
a thriving new dessert bar in Brooklyn,
一家成功的新甜品酒吧的策划人
and she is here to tell us how she did it.
今天她来说说她的成功创业史
Oh, also, um, whoever keeps writing "Wash me" in the back of my car,
对了 提醒一下总在我车后面写"洗我"的同学
there's no R in wash.
洗字应该是三点水
Caroline.
有请卡洛琳
It is a great honor to be here today.
今天非常荣幸来到这里
I learned a lot at this fine institution.
这所优秀的学校教会我很多东西
Hard work, integrity,
努力工作 诚实正直
a lot of math I'll never use.
还有一堆我永远用不上的数学
There are a lot of smart people here,
这里有很多非常聪明的人
but the smartest person I know,
但我所认识的最聪明的人
I met waiting tables in a diner.
是跟我在餐厅当服务员的人
Max, turn around.
麦克斯 转过来
The other way.
转过脸来
And I am proud to call her my partner.
我很骄傲地称她为我的搭档
Gay.
"拉拉"味有点重
This woman is the reason I'm here today.
我能来这里全拜她所赐
She should be giving the speech because she's
应该由她来演讲 她才是我成功的最大原因
how I did it.
Her name is Max Black.
她叫麦克斯·布莱克
Um, what're you doing? You're leaving?
你这是干什么 你要走了吗
They're jealous enough,
他们已经够羡慕嫉妒恨了
and I want you to have your moment.
我想你拥有自己的成功时刻
You should get to have both too.
你也该两者兼得
And also, chugchug has to pukepuke.
而且我要去吐了
And, uh, all right...
那... 好吧
I didn't go to college,
我没有上过大学
but after spending some time here,
但在这里待了一晚后
I think I could teach you a few things.
我想我可以教你们几招
Beer...
先喝啤酒
before liquor,
再喝烈酒
never sicker.
小命不久
Liquor before beer,
先喝烈酒 再喝啤酒
never fear.
问题没有
属于坊间知名谣言 其实只跟喝的量有关
And weed before and after everything.
任何酒类前后 大♥麻常伴左右
Also, pimps up, hos down.
鸡头站着数钱 婊♥子跪着干活
Never...
永不
get high on your own supply,
吸自己卖的毒品
and, most importantly,
最重要的一点
shake ya ass,
屁♥股摇起来
but watch yourself.
但招子放亮点
歌曲《Shake ya ass》歌词
You should be taking notes. This'll be on the midterm.
快记笔记啊 这可是期中考的考试内容
Well, like most people straight out of college,
就像大部分应届大学毕业生
I'm at a job I don't wanna be at.
我从事着自己不想干的工作
That's right.
没错
She went back and got her degree in "Makeout Slut."
她学成归来 学位是"亲热淫♥娃"
And we may have killed a guy.
还有 我们可能杀了一个男的
I may have too.
我也有可能
I drove here without my glasses.
我开车上班没戴眼镜
You know, in Poland, girls don't go to college.
波兰的女孩都不上大学
They drop them in a lake,
人们将她们扔进湖里
and whoever doesn't drown is a witch.
谁没被淹死 谁就是女巫
Doesn't that make you a witch, Sophie?
那你不就是女巫吗 苏菲
No comment.
不予置评
If it isn't Magic NoJohnson.
这不是无鸟魔术师·约憨逊吗
魔术师约翰逊是知名美国职篮球星
Pick a card, and don't show me what it is.
选张牌 不要让我看见是什么
Don't worry, I'll hold it well above four feet.
别担心 我举过米你就看不见了
Whatever puts the card in your hands, toots.
只要你愿意抽牌 你爱说啥就说啥 亲
Was this your card?
这是你的牌吗
Nope, it was the Queen of Hearts.
不是 我的是红心皇后
Oh, my God,
天啊
Han's a witch too!
阿憨也是女巫
Drown him!
淹死他
I did it.
我成功了
What hell have I unleashed?
我释放了什么地狱啊
Whatever it is, keep it in your training pants.
爱释放啥就放啥 "释放"在你的尿布里就行
I should have just done traffic school online,
我真该在家上上网课就好
but, no, Han wanted to meet people.
但死阿憨偏偏想去结识新朋友
Sophie,
苏菲
I think I found the solution to all our problems.
我找到了解决我们所有问题的办法了
Microwave in the headboard?
床头微波吗
I've told you repeatedly,
我反复告诉过你
the science just isn't there yet.
科技还没这么先进呢
Make sure I get an email when it is there.
要真有了 记得发邮件告诉我
This is about us
这是关于咱俩
and Barbara.
和芭芭拉的
I want to be more involved.
我想跟孩子多接触
That's why I got these.
所以我搞来这玩意
Moobs...
男儿奶
To feed Barbara with.
来喂芭芭拉
Great, now I'm jealous of Oleg's rack.
娘的 我开始嫉妒奥列格的奶♥子了
If he puts Dr. Pepper in there, so am I.
如果他里面放的是碳酸饮料 那我也嫉妒
Oleg,
奥列格
tell me you kept your dingdong.
告诉我你的鸡鸡还在
Oh, yeah.
当然
I'm just Mrs. Doubtfiring it for the time being.
我现在只是暂时当孩子的奶爸而已
We've gotta get that kid out of that house.
我们一定要把那孩子救出来
Well, you know what, Barbara?
知道吗 芭芭拉
You're really lucky to have such a good father.
你真的很幸运能有一位这么棒的父亲
I guess I have been bogarting baby Barbara.
我想我对芭芭拉的占有欲是有点过强了
Yeah, it really is sweet that you did that, Oleg.
是啊 你能这么做真是太有爱了
My eyes are up here, Caroline.
不许盯着我咪♥咪看 卡洛琳
We're out of milk in the kitchen.
厨房没牛奶了
I really hope Earl milking Oleg
我真心希望厄尔挤奥列格奶这一幕
is our rock bottom.
是我们人生最低点
It won't be.
肯定不会实现