半独立屋（2020）

前情提要
你今天能不能收起你的龟毛
Today of all days, could you just dial back on the dick a bit?
我才不龟毛 是你龟毛 你是个婚礼调音师
I'm not the dick. You're the dick. You're a wedding DJ.
-视听活动协调员 -没错 婚礼上的
- Audiovisual events coordinator. - Yeah. For weddings.
生日快乐 亲爱的
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
天啊 我还想赢得选举呢
Fuck off! I'm trying to win an election.
怎么了 我以为你会很喜欢
What? I thought you'd like it.
-我喜欢 -无所谓
- I like it. - Whatever.
-爸 -斯图尔特
- Dad! - Stuart!
这位是伊戈尔
This is Igor.
好的
Yeah.
你听说过庞氏骗局吗
Have you ever heard of something called a Ponzi scheme?
我♥干♥了庞氏骗局
Yeah. I've done a Ponzi scheme.
你又要回监狱里去了
You're gonna end up back in prison.
我去把她放下
I'll go and put her down.
她觉得我没趣 我做的牛肉很烂 老天啊
She thinks I'm no fun. I made shitty beef. Bollocks!
查理要把我的血吸干了
Charlie's bleeding me dry.
惊喜 我的肠易激综合征要失控了
Surprise! My IBS is out of control,
我还吃了一盘老爸的毒品
and now I've eaten a tub of Dad's drugs.
我的天啊
Gordon Bennett!
你可真是没用 你刚刚在哭吗
You're absolutely useless! Have you been crying?
我感觉不太舒服
Ted! I don't feel very well!
半独♥立♥屋
第二集
来电 吉姆和劳伦 婚礼
糟糕
Oh, shit!
抱歉 太堵了 我在快车道上已经开到了80迈
Sorry. Traffic. Yeah, I'm doing 80 now in the fast lane,
我最好挂掉电♥话♥
so I'd better get off the phone.
最多20分钟就到了
Yeah, be there in 20, max.
斯图 你为什么没去上班
Stu! Why aren't you at work?
我以为你今晚要去打碟
I thought you were DJing tonight.
在哪儿
Where is it?
我忘了带平板电脑 歌♥曲全在里面
I forgot my iPad. It's got all my music on.
爸比 我们多希望你不用去
Oh, Daddy Bear... We wish you didn't have to go.
波莎想让你去上婴儿普拉提课
Bertha wants you to come to baby Pilates.
她不喜欢荡秋千吗
She didn't fancy the swings?
我买♥♥了12节课 才300块
I got a deal on 12 sessions. Only 300 quid.
他们把滑梯修好了
They fixed the slide.
希望这样可以 爸比
Hope that's OK, Daddy Bear?
完全可以
Yeah, it's absolutely fine.
-你看见我的平板电脑了吗 -威廉拿着呢
- Have you seen my iPad? - Willie's got it.
-好 -我们会想你的
- Right. - We'll miss you.
你昨晚很棒
You were amazing last night.
谢谢 抱歉吵到你了
Thanks. Sorry about the noises.
没事
It's fine.
再见
Bye-bye.
爸
Dad!
爸
Dad!
我忙着呢
I'm in the middle of something!
-天啊 我们谈过这个 -这是个自♥由♥的国度
- Oh, Christ. We talked about this. - It's a free country!
-你拿走我的平板电脑了吗 -别潜水了 进来
- Have you got my iPad? - Stop lurking. Enter!
-你有没有时间来... -进来吧
- Don't you need a minute to...? - Just come in!
-这是什么 -网上买♥♥的
- What's this? - Huh, eBay.
-为什么 -健康的身体才有健康的蛋蛋
- Why? - Healthy body, healthy balls.
-你看到我的平板电脑了吗 -那个小东西真是个大改变
- Have you seen my iPad? - Oh, that wee gadget's a revelation.
绝对改变了我的生活
Absolutely transformed my life.
你干什么了
What have you done now?
它打开了通往无尽淫秽世界的闸门
It's opened the floodgates to a world of endless filth.
听说过基达吗
Ever heard of Grindr?
基达 基佬用的探探
Grindr? Gay Tinder.
好吧 探探是什么
Right. What's Tinder?
直人用的基达 用来约炮的
Straight Grindr. It's for hook-ups.
我打开了定位服务
I turned on location services
这个地区所有好色的基佬都会来敲门
and every randy bugger in the area comes knocking!
我再也不离开这个房♥子了
I'll never leave the house again!
他们不让我放陌生人进屋
I've asked you not to bring strangers into the house.
这会让艾普尔感到不适 还有我和波莎
It makes April feel uncomfortable. And me. And Bertha.
会像老鼠一样安静的
I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
一只巨大好色的老鼠
A great big randy mouse.
-爸 平板电脑 -查理拿走了
- Dad, iPad. - Charlie took it.
查理
Charlie!
该死 老天啊
Fuck it! Jesus Christ!
煮熟的鸭子飞了 真谢谢你 斯图尔特
You're meant to be a sure thing. Thanks a lot, Stuart!
我押了五块钱呢
I've got a fiver on this.
是你押的 至少我赢了
Well, you have. Unless I win.
反正我们也要平分 对我有利
In which case we'll split it - in my favour.
我跟你说了别乱玩我的平板电脑
I told you not to mess with my iPad.
里面有我工作的播放列表
It's got my work playlists on.
-我得发封邮件 -用你的手♥机♥啊
- I had to send an e-mail. - Use your phone.
-不行 他们会追踪手♥机♥ -没人追踪你 查理
- I can't. They trace phones. - No-one's after you, Charlie.
那是因为我不遗余力地隐藏我的行踪
That's because I go to great lengths to conceal my whereabouts.
远离社交媒体 经常删掉记录
Stay off social media, always clear your cookies,
同一设备不反复使用
never use the same device twice.
我是隐形人 我不存在
I am the Invisible Man. I do not exist.
爸爸把定位服务打开了
Dad's turned on location services.
-糟了 -在哪儿
- Oh, shit! - Where is it?
你知道这些人会对我做什么吗
Do you know what these people are gonna do to me?
什么人
What people?
我在为一个收债人的小家庭做会计工作
I was doing some accounts for a small family of debt collectors.
我可能把他们的一些钱
And I might have invested some of their money
投资到了我的高收益投资项目里
into my high-yield investment programme.
你是指庞氏骗局吧
You mean Ponzi scheme.
-是的 -还有呢
- Yeah. - And?
拜托 斯图 收债人
Oh, come on, Stu. Debt collectors.
一群秃顶
Bunch of bald shithouses
有着肥胖的脖子和香肠一样的手指
with thick necks and fingers like sausages.
如果他们追踪我的电子邮箱 就意味着他们知道我在哪儿
If they've traced my e-mail, that means they know where I am.
这就意味着我会被绑到卡车里
And that means I'll be bundled off into a van
然后被拖到坟墓里
and dragged into a shallow grave.
或许你该收拾好你的东西然后离开
Maybe you should pack up your things and go.
来真的 给我点钱 我需要逃跑资金
No shit. Give us some cash. I need going-away money.
-不可能 -我知道你的平板电脑在哪儿
- No chance. - I know where your iPad is.
好吧
All right, fine.
在玛丹娜那里
Madonna's got it.
饼干盒里有20块
There's 20 quid in the biscuit tin!
我已经拿走了
I've had that!
斯图 有时间讨论一下道尔吗
Stu! Got a moment to discuss Doyle?
-没时间 -只不过我们马上要走了
- Not really. - Only we're off in a tick.
-怎么了 巴里 -你该照顾她的
- What is it, Barry? - You're supposed to be looking after her.
-是吗 -我的天啊 艾普尔没告诉你吗
- Am I? - Gordon Bennett! Did April not tell you?
-我要去工作了 -就占用你两分钟
- I've really got to get to work. - Two minutes of your time.
到家里去 得告诉你她的日常作息
Pop in the house. Need to talk you through her routine.
你懂她的脑回路至关重要
It's vital you're aware of her whims.
你可不想让她尿到你窗帘上
You don't want her squirting up your curtains.
好 两分钟
All right, two minutes.
但一定要快
But it's going to have to be really quick.
给你点建议 她有点爱咬人
Little tip for you. She gets a bit bitey,
所以手上抹点防腐剂
so have some TCP to hand.
-好 -她是个小甜心
- Right. - She's a sweetheart, really.
-对 -除了生气的时候
- Right. - Except when she's angry.
好
Ok.
-她最近经常生气 -是吗
- She's been angry quite a lot recently. - Has she?
但我相信她不会对你发脾气
But I'm sure she'll be fine with you.
找个地方坐 我告诉你注意事项
Grab a seat and I'll get the instructions.
你好 斯图
Hi, Stu.
桑迪
Sandy.
道尔
Doyle.
看看她 她看起来是不是很难过
Look at her. Doesn't she look sad?
看不出来
Can't really tell.
可怜的小宝贝
Poor little baby's...
得了真菌感染
got a fungal infection.
天啊