半独立屋（2020）

你骗了我们 你偷了玛丹娜的钱
You lied to us! You stole from Madonna!
是的
Yeah.
老兄 从自己女儿那里偷钱...
Oh, buddy, stealing from your own daughter...
-她是我女儿 -你确定吗
- She's my daughter. - Are you sure?
-是的 -我以为你会高兴
- Yes! - I thought you'd be pleased!
你把我们害惨了 泰德 不可能回去了
You screwed us over, Ted. There's no way back from that.
你和老屁捞鱼去吧 我和玛丹娜...
You enjoy flogging fish with Botty. Madonna and I are...
会搬到斯图尔特家
moving in with Stuart.
-什么 -什么
- What? - What?
什么
Yeah, what?
对吗 斯图尔特
Aren't we, Stuart?
是的
Yeah.
斯图尔特 你打算什么时候问问我
Stuart! When were you planning on asking me?
现在吗
Now?
好吧 所以你现在不仅让我
Right. So, not only do you expect me to live
和你的变♥态♥老爸住在一起
under the same roof as your deviant father,
现在你还让你的前妻搬进来
now you're moving in your ex-wife,
还有你讨厌我的女儿
and your daughter, who hates me.
-她不讨厌 -她讨厌
- She does not. - Yes, she does.
我们只需要几个星期来解决问题
It will just be for a couple of weeks until we get something sorted.
那你们睡哪儿
Well, where are you going to sleep?
我睡沙发 你们根本不会注意到我在
I'll take the sofa. You won't even notice I'm there.
回来住吧
Please just come back to stay,
他连洗手间都没有
Fundy. He hasn't even got a wet room.
我不会住回那个烂房♥间
I'm not going back to that shitty old room!
当然不会 因为那是我的瑜伽房♥
No, you're bloody not, because it's my yoga room.
是我的房♥间
It's my room!
艾普 我的避暑别♥墅♥里有很多地方
Apes, there's heaps of space at my summer house.
-去你♥妈♥的♥ -玛丹娜
- Fuck this! - Madonna!
太好了 多谢你啊 艾普尔
Oh, great! Thanks, April.
如果你能当个更好的妈妈...
Well, if you'd been a better mother...
你怎么敢这么说
How dare you!
-我要去... -我只是说说
- I'm just going to... - I'm just saying.
能有人去找她吗 她带着钥匙呢
Can someone go and get her? She's got the key.
-就你还谈论怎么做母亲 -什么意思
- You're a fine one to talk about motherhood! - Meaning?
你都不知道
You don't even know who the
-你女儿的亲生父亲是谁 -我知道
- father of your own daughter is! - I do.
我90%确定是斯图尔特 还能怎么肯定
I'm 90% sure it's Stuart! How much more positive can I be?
你跟斯图尔特说是95%
You told Stuart 95%!
90 95 有什么区别
90, 95 -- what's the difference?
斯图
All right, Stu?
你不会打我吧
Not going to hit me, are you?
谢天谢地你在这里
Thank God you're here.
你闻起来很恶心
You smell of sick.
-我需要你的肾 -关于这个...
- I need your kidney. - Ah, yeah, about that...
医生说你是完美配型
The doctor says you're a perfect match.
或许在医学上来说是对的
Yeah, well, that is medically correct,
但事实恐怕是"做不了"
but I'm afraid it's a bit of a "No can do".
你在说什么
What are you talking about?
我不在的时候 局势升级了
Well, things have escalated slightly in my absence.
庞氏骗局变成了犯法监察
The Ponzi scheme ended up on Crimewatch,
我变成了人♥民♥公敌
so it turns out yours truly is public enemy numero uno.
不得不说我的照片还有点帅气
Although I've got to say the Photofit did make me look quite suave.
这和你的肾有什么关系
What's any of this got to do with your kidney?
如果我做手术的话 我的名字会出现
Well, if I have an operation, my name will pop up everywhere.
警♥察♥会迅速包围这个地方
This place will be crawling with police
比心室纤维性颤动还快
faster than you can say ventricular fibrillation.
想要融合进医院的氛围
Been trying to blend in.
等等 爸爸知道你在吗
Hang on. Does Dad know you're here?
当然 他来医院之后我就到了
Yeah, course. Been here since he arrived.
总得有人照顾他
Well, somebody's got to look after him,
这个地方真的很适合躲避
and this is a pretty good hiding place.
小心点我的手术服
Mind my scrubs!
反正你也要和我们一起住
You practically live with us anyway.
怪不得泰德会离开你
No wonder Ted left you!
-是我离开的他 -是吗
- I left him! - Oh, did you?
爸爸
Dad.
你好 查理
Oh, hello, Charlie.
-你去哪儿了... -别撞了
- Where have you...? - Don't bother.
我知道你把他藏厕所里了
I know you've been hiding him in the bogs.
天啊 你不能搬到我的瑜伽房♥里
Oh, God! You're not moving into my yoga room!
你怎么能这么对我 我为你付出了一切
How could you do this to me? I do everything for you.
妈妈离开的时候只有我陪着你
I was the only one there for you when Mum left.
但你总是支持查理
But you always stick up for Charlie.
为什么 爸爸
Why, Dad?
因为你能接受
Because you can take it.
我不能 我有肠易激综合征 我有夜惊
No, I can't. I've got IBS. I get night terrors.
确实 总是出一身汗
He does. Awful sweats.
-以前有胃酸反流 -现在也有
- Used to be acid reflux. - Still is.
斯图尔特 查理很敏感
Stuart, Charlie's the sensitive one.
他才没有
No, he's not.
我有
Yes, I am!
我读书 吃橄榄
I read books, I eat... olives.
查理 你不会让斯图尔特这么做的 对吗
Charlie! You're not really going to let Stuart do this, are you?
我可能会被抓起来
I might get arrested.
你不觉得你现在该自首吗
Don't you think it's about time you turned yourself in?
别以为我没想过这个问题
Don't think that hasn't crossed my mind.
我好像确实没想过
Actually, I'm not sure it has crossed my mind.
如果他被抓了 他会离开好几年
If he gets nicked now, he'll be away for years.
我没多长时间了...
And I haven't got long left, so...
我求你了 儿子 拜托
I'm begging you, son, please.
请把你的肾给我们
Please give us your kidney.
但事与愿违 我想更浪漫一点
Well, this has backfired. I was trying to be romantic.
能不能来个人让玛丹娜把手铐给我打开
Can someone get Madonna to unlock me, please?
-这家人真棒 -汉比
- What a family! - Humpy!
我去找她
I'll go and find her.
还好吗
All right?
怎么了
What?
你在听什么
What are you listening to?
睡肉
Seeping Meat.
挺好的
Cool.
你还好吗
You OK?
我不想谈这件事
I don't want to talk about it.
找到你叔叔查理了
Your Uncle Charlie's turned up.
所以呢
So?
但我还是坚持做手术
But I'm still going through with the operation.
因为
Because, you know...
如果
If...
如果是查理干的
If Charlie did it,
那他就会被逮捕 送去监狱
then...he'd be arrested and go to prison and...
我是为了家人考虑
I'm just taking one for the family.
你想怎么样 爸爸
What do you want, Dad?
你有手铐的钥匙吗
Have you got the key for the handcuffs?
没有 我丢了
No. Lost it.
该死
Oh... Shit.
好吧
Right.
爸爸
Dad...
你为什么要这么做
Why do you do it?
做什么
Do what?
让所有人都骑在你头上
Let everyone shit on you.
-我没有 -不 你有
- I don't. - Yes, you do.
是 我有
Yeah, I do.
谢谢你救了爷爷
Thanks for saving Grandad.
算了吧
No.
好吧
Yep, fine.
-怎么样 -没有钥匙
- Well? - There's no key.
-什么叫没有钥匙 -她把钥匙丢了
- What do you mean, there's no key? - There's no key. She lost it.
你自己不能做点什么吗 查理
Can't you do something, Charlie?
我明白了 就因为我进过监狱
Oh, I see. Just cos I've been inside,
-你就觉得我知道怎么撬锁 -你不会吗
- you think I know how to pick a lock? - Well, don't you?