半独立屋（2020）

半独♥立♥屋
特别集
森林之声
自然之音
到底在哪
Come on, where is it?
关于怀孕你要知道的所有事
为了您能更好地怀孕
该死
Oh, shit!
斯图尔特 到底在哪
Where is it? Stuart!
-包在哪 -握着我的手
- Where's the bag? - Oh, hold my hand, hold my hand.
我们得快点出发了
I think we need to get a move on.
我想和你一起度过所有美好的时刻
I want to share every beautiful moment together.
-你刚刚还让我放火自焚 -没关系
- You just told me to set myself on fire. - It's fine.
医生说可能会有阵痛
The doctor said there might be swings.
我先来 吸入爱
After me, breathe in the love,
呼出宝宝
breathe out the baby.
该你了
Now you.
-吸入 -爱
- Breathe in the... - Love.
-呼出 -宝宝
- Breathe out the... - The baby.
艾普尔 医疗包在哪儿
April, where's the hospital bag?
我想把你的衣服脱♥光♥
I want to take all your clothes off.
-什么 -催产素的作用 医生说我可能会欲♥火♥难耐
- What? - It's the oxytocin. The doctor said I might get randy.
是啊 她还说你可能会拉自己一身
Yeah, she also said you might shit yourself.
我想边做♥爱♥边生宝宝
I want to have this child while we make love.
我觉得该送你去医院了
I think we need to get you to the hospital.
爸
Dad!
-爸 -我正爽着呢
- Dad? - I'm entertaining!
-你是不是从我房♥间里拿了个包 -等一下
- Have you taken a bag out of my room? - Just a moment.
进来吧
Enter.
斯图尔特 这是伊戈尔
Stuart, this is Igor.
好的
Yep.
分娩有点早
Kicked off a bit early, then.
你出生的时候 你♥妈♥的♥叫声比这响一倍
When you were born, your mother was twice as loud.
从酒吧就能听见她在喊
Heard her from the pub.
你能下床吗 现在已经两点了
Can you get out of bed? It's two o'clock.
我九点才回来
Didn't get back until nine.
午饭之前发生的事都想不起来了
Cannot remember beyond lunchtime.
我只记得我们在镇上喝了鸡尾酒
I know we had cocktails in town.
爸 我需要帮助
Dad, I need some help.
然后我们在红餐厅的厕所里吸了毒
Then we did poppers in the bog at Cafe Rouge.
-爸 -最后是不是在野地上醒来的
- Dad... - Did we end up in a field?
你见过一个蓝色的运动包吗
have you seen a blue sports bag?
装满尿布和睡衣的吗 就在那
Full of nappies and nighties? Over there.
-红牛呢 -我们没可♥卡♥因♥了
- Where's all the Red Bull? - We ran out of cocaine.
-我要见我妈 -好 我该给她打电♥话♥吗
- I want Mummy. - OK, should I phone her?
千万别 她恨我
God, no. She hates me.
屋子里全是男人
It's just such a festival of men in this house.
你能问凯特愿不愿意过来吗
Can you ask Kate if she'll come over?
-这主意不怎么样 -男人味太多了
- It's probably a bad idea. - It's just all so Mars.
我需要点女人味
I need some Venus.
拜托了
Please!
马上回来
Back in a minute.
-我爱你 -好的
- I love you! - Yep.
凯特·芬迪
把过去抛诸脑后
-斯图 -你好 巴里
- Stu! - Hi, Barry.
想上车坐会吗
Fancy hopping on for a Campari?
-艾普尔要生了 -恭喜
- April's in labour. - Oh, felicitations.
你好 邻居
Hello, neighbour.
恭喜你长胡子了
Congrats on the beard.
-看着不像染了 -凯特在吗
- Doesn't look dyed. - Is Kate there?
我在干木工活
I'm in the middle of woodwork sesh,
做一个宝塔送我女儿当生日礼物
building a pagoda for my birthday girl.
-她不是你女儿 -你要送她什么 又是牛仔裤吗
- She's not yours. - What'd you get her, jeans again?
她是我女儿
She's mine.
只有真正的父亲才会这么做 斯图尔特
It's what real dads do, Stuart.
他们不会买♥♥扫兴的礼物
They don't buy disappointing presents
也不会在去桑坦德的游轮上拉自己一身
and they don't shit themselves on the ferry to Santander.
你能不能闭嘴 叫凯特来
Could you just shut up and get Kate, please?
应该一小时前就到了 怎么拖了这么久
It was supposed to be here an hour ago. What's the hold-up?
怎么了 斯图尔特 我正要
What is it, Stuart? I'm trying to
整理麦当娜的生日礼物呢
sort Madonna's birthday present.
艾普尔要生了
April's gone into labour.
确保三点前送到
Just make sure it's here before three.
恭喜你 你不是应该...
Congratulations. Shouldn't you be...
-陪在她身边吗 -孩子有点重
- ..there? - It's a bit bloke-heavy.
她在想你能不能过去一下
She wondered if you could pop over.
别扯了
Don't be so ridiculous.
她为什么希望你前妻过去看着她的肚子
Why would she want your ex-wife gawping up her chuff?
与女性选民搞好关系
Play well with the female voters.
你真觉得我有这么愤世嫉俗吗
Do you really think I'm that cynical?
马上回来
Won't be long.
需要我的话就喊出来
Holler if you need me.
我会在车床旁
I'll be at the lathe.
她要宝塔干什么
What's she supposed to do with a pagoda?
我们在日本的时候看到了 非常壮观
We saw them in Japan. They're actually quite beautiful.
他穿着这件家居服 你都能看到他的老二
You know you can see his knob through that dressing gown.
-你的货车呢 -去重新喷漆了 想让它变得靓一点
- Where's your van? - I'm getting it pimped up with a respray.
-别想和泰德比试 -没想
- Don't try to compete with Ted. - Wasn't.
你们打算怎么去医院
So, how are you getting to hospital?
打车
Uber.
你们好
Hi.
-你为什么在这儿 -生日快乐 亲爱的
- Why are you here? - Happy birthday, sweetheart.
-我以为你做完造型了 -确实做完了
- I thought you were getting your hair done. - I did.
天啊
Fuck off.
我还想赢得选举呢
I'm trying to win an election.
怎么了 我以为你会很喜欢
What? I thought you'd like it.
我要挑战对女性美传统的观念
I'm challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty.
你看起来像帕特里克·斯图尔特You look like Patrick Stewart.
演员 代表作《星际迷航：下一代》《X战警》
-谁 -我喜欢
- Who? - I like it.
无所谓
Whatever.
别往这边走
Not that way.
泰德正准备给你个惊喜
Ted's organising a surprise.
走 我需要你的帮助 艾普尔要生了
Come on, I need your help. April's in labour.
我去烧壶水
I'll stick the kettle on.
说真的 我挺喜欢的
Honestly, I really like it.
滚开 爸爸
Piss off, Dad.
我来了 艾普尔
I'm here now, April.
你要走了吗
You off, then?
天啊 感觉要从我屁♥股♥里钻出来了一样
Oh, God, it feels like it's coming out of my bum.
你表现得很棒
Oh, you're doing so well.
比我好
Better than I am.
我到底是怎么到家的
How on earth did I get home?
爸 你能不抽电子烟吗
Dad, can you not vape?
兔崽子 这烟雾无害
Balls, it's a harmless smelling mist.
我很高兴你选择加入我们的魔幻之旅
I am so glad you chose to join our magical adventure.
就像我妈妈在场一样
It's like having my mum here.
我才40
I'm 40.
8.
-出租车还有多久到 -我还没打呢
- How long's this cab going to be? - I haven't ordered it yet.
什么叫你还没打呢
What do you mean you haven't ordered it?
别弄得跟上次在奥尔顿塔一样
Oh, don't make this another Alton Towers.
在奥尔顿塔发生了什么
What happened at Alton Towers?
我在旋转茶杯里破了处
I lost my gay virginity on the teacups.
什么 不是 我忘了打车
What? No. I forgot to order a cab.
我找不到舒适区了
Oh, I can't find my good place.
我找不到舒适区了
I can't find my good place!
古驰商务装 我郁闷的时候会想这个
Gucci businesswear, that's what I think about when I'm depressed.
她并没有郁闷
She's not depressed.
斯图尔特 去告诉泰德他要送艾普尔去医院
Stuart, go and tell Ted he's taking April to the hospital
你在去的路上打辆车 我们跟着出租车
and, on your way, book the cab. We'll follow in that.
-我不会去求泰德帮我 -快去
- I'm not asking Ted for help. - Just do it!
宫缩又要来了
I think one's coming again.
深呼吸
And breathe.
我那次在奥尔顿塔忘记打车