半独立屋（2020）

《半独♥立♥屋》
前情提要
在你说话之前 我需要你谨慎考虑
Before you say another word, I need you to think very carefully
你会把我卷入什么事件中
about what you're trying to get me into.
我是下议院议员
I'm a Member of Parliament.
艾普尔是我一生挚爱 我想夺回她
April's the love of my life, and I want her back.
我们有孩子了 你能离开了吗
We've got a baby. Can you please leave?
好... 该死
OK... Shit!
-怎么了 -没什么
- What? - Nothing.
五万镑数目可不小 玛丹娜
£50,000 is a lot of money, Madonna.
你想干什么就干什么 亲爱的
Do with it as you wish, my darling.
爷爷也会希望如此的
It's what Grandpa would have wanted.
我来给你点建议 斯图
Let me give you some advice, Stu.
你要听从她的身体
Make sure you listen to her body.
又扯到这个了 女人
Dial it back, woman.
跪舔我吧
Suck my dick!
我觉得你最好滚出我的家
I think you'd better get the hell out of my casa, chum.
是因为我吐在你脸上了吗
Is this because I threw up in your face?
直接吐到我嘴里了
It went straight in my mouth.
半独♥立♥屋
第五集
你♥他♥妈♥是怎么想的
What the hell were you thinking?
你待会怎么和妈妈说
What are you going to tell Mom?
快起来吧 娘娘腔
Get off your arse, you soppy twat!
-别说了 爸爸 -对不起 我在节食呢
- All right, Dad. - Sorry, I'm on a diet.
她马上就要回来了
She's going to be here in a minute.
-你得振作起来 -浇他一头水
- You've got to snap out of it. - Throw some water on him!
-扇他一巴掌 -扇他
- Slap him. - Slap him?
-动手啊 -我能扇你一巴掌吗
- Slap him! - Should I slap you?
我只想把我的兰博基尼要回来
I just want my Lambo back.
凯特快回来了 不能让她看到你这样
Kate's on her way. She can't find you like this.
你知道今天对她有多重要
You know how important today is to her.
你可真是把这事搞砸了 孩子
You've really screwed up, son.
这我都知道了
Tell me something I don't know, Doc!
我可不怕打你屁♥股♥
I'm not afraid to give you a spanking.
那你来啊
Yeah, I'd like to see you try!
妈妈会剥了你的皮
Mum's going to tear you a new one.
你们想让我怎么样啊
What do you want from me?
我都一无所有了
I've got nothing left!
这该怪谁啊
And whose fault is that?
-那帮帮我啊 苏格兰人 -我会往死里打的
- So help me, Scotsman. - I will thump you!
爸 别光站着啊
Dad! Do something.
-我今天本该开始新的工作 -快看
- I'm supposed to be starting a new job today. - Heads up!
完了
Oh, shit.
你们好啊
Hello.
这是怎么了
What's all this, then?
-你好 -没什么 妈妈
- Hi. - All right, Mum.
好
Right.
这可真是热烈欢迎啊
Well, this is quite the welcome.
你们有什么事想告诉我吗
Something you want to tell me?
没有
No.
天才
Genius.
好 苏吉
OK. Well, Suki,
这是我的...
this is my...
这是我的先生 泰德
this is my husband, Ted.
你好
Hi.
这是我的女儿 玛丹娜
And my daughter, Madonna.
这是我的前夫 斯图尔特
This is my ex-husband, Stuart.
和他的父亲...
And his father...
威廉
Willie.
各位 这位是《星期日邮报》的苏吉·摩根
Everyone, this is Suki Morgan from the Mail On Sunday.
你好...
Hi...
看起来真有趣
This looks fun.
-没错 -我错过了什么
- Yes. - What have I missed?
趣味
Fun!
趣味
Fun.
跑
Run.
趣味跑
Fun run.
-趣味跑 -趣味跑
- Fun run! - Fun run.
为精神健康募资
Raising money for mental health.
睾丸癌
Testicular cancer.
给你的蛋蛋做个检查
Check your balls!
你扮的是什么
What are you?
她扮的是睾丸
She's a testicle.
对
Yeah.
她是蛋蛋
She's a teste.
你为什么是红色的
Why are you red?
她有点酸痛
She's sore.
车在哪呢
Where are the cars?
车... 在修呢 在车♥库♥里
They... are... being serviced. In the garage.
对 在车♥库♥里
Yeah. In the garage.
好吧
Right.
我们进去吃午餐 好吗
Well, let's go and have some lunch, shall we?
-不不 不行 -为什么不行
- No. No, you can't. - Why not?
因为...
Well, because...
因为计划有变
Just a slight change of plan.
我们想去斯图尔特家吃午餐
We thought we could have lunch at Stuart's.
-对 -没错
- Yeah. - Yeah.
我们经常这样
It's just something we do.
几个邻居一起谈笑风生
A bunch of neighbours doing dips and trading bants.
行吧...
Right...
你确定吗
Are you sure?
我去了马莎百货 我家里收拾得很温馨
I have been to M&S. I've arranged a lovely spread.
我家也挺温馨的
I've got a nice spread.
那行 你觉得合适就行
Great. Whatever's good for you.
行 那我们都去你家 斯图尔特
Right, well, let's all head over to yours, Stuart.
-泰德 -没问题
- Ted? - Absolutely!
这种家庭关系可真特别
So, this is a pretty unconventional set-up.
现在 很多人都和前妻前夫相处得很愉快
Most people these days live in a perfectly happy blended family,
我们也是这样
and we're no different.
你们关系好吗
So you all get along?
可铁了 这位老兄
Get along?! This guy!
你干什么
What are you doing?
让我来给你讲讲他的事
The stories I could tell you about this player!
洗耳恭听
Go on.
老天 你知道吗
Oh, God, you know?
他打羽毛球
Badminton.
没错
Yes.
我们只是其乐融融的一家普通人而已
We're just a regular family who enjoy each other's company.
太他妈对了
Damn straight.
-你们选的哪条路线啊 -你指什么
- So, what route did you take? - What do you mean?
-趣味跑 -绕着街区...
- The fun run. - Oh! You know, round the block...
到底怎么了 出什么事了
What the hell's going on? What's happened?
-不是我♥干♥的 -你的裤子呢
- It wasn't me. - Where are your trousers?
-这你得问泰德 -斯图尔特...
- You need to speak to Ted. - Stuart...
这你得问斯图尔特 我只认识能吃的那种
You need to speak to Stuart. I'm only good with the edible kind.
棕色的那只叫什么 斯图尔特
What's the brown one, Stuart?
迈克尔 来杯茶吗
Michael. Tea?
如果有的话 我能来杯洋甘菊茶吗
I'll have a chamomile if you've got one.
-我来吧 -泰德 来搭把手
- I'll do that. - Ted? A hand?
不了 我不来
No. Not really.
-你说什么 -我来吧
- Sorry? - I'll do it.
行吧
Fine.
你俩要不要去找条裤子穿
Why don't you two both go and put some trousers on?
这就去
Yep.
他们一会儿就回来 请坐
They'll just be a couple of minutes. Do take a seat.
谢谢
Thanks.
你这是去哪儿
Where are you going?
-去你的卧室 -为什么
- To the bedroom. - Why?
他们把我的衣服全都拿走了
They took all my clothes.
老天 刚才差点完蛋
Jesus Christ, that was close.
凯特又不傻 她知道出事了