半独立屋（2020）

不久之前 我用拍立得给自己拍了点照片
Some time ago, I took a number of Polaroid photographs of myself
可能被归位淫秽色情性质
that might be described as of an obscene nature.
-然后呢 -我完全是无辜的
- And? - It was all perfectly innocent.
是桑迪的生日
They were for Sandy's birthday.
我们吃了点时髦的小吃
We went for some swanky nosh,
我在出租车后座上把照片塞给她
then I slipped them to her in the back of a rickshaw.
她顿时暴跳如雷
Well, she hit the bloody roof.
拒绝接受 还说我是个"悲哀的混♥蛋♥"
Wholly rejected them and said I was a "tragic son of a bitch".
从那以后 照片就一直在我的夹克里放着
So, they have remained in my smart jacket ever since.
你能说重点吗 巴里
Can you get to the point, please, Barry?
这件夹克现在就在你车上
The aforementioned jacket is currently residing in your car.
这艘游轮上有许多警♥察♥
There is a heavy police presence on this ferry.
我听说偷偷携带淫秽色情刊物
And I happen to know that smuggling indecent material
是违背海事法的
is against maritime law.
所以我车里有你鸡鸡的照片吗
So, there's pictures of your penis in my car?
是的
Yes.
而且还有屁♥股♥
And, I'm afraid, anus.
非常形象生动
They're quite, quite graphic.
没事的 巴里 警♥察♥找的是毒品
Look, it's fine, Barry. It's drugs the police are after.
他们总是这么无♥耻♥
They're ever so sordid.
你得均匀地投到各个地方
You've got to do a bit of an even spread.
在百分比上要谨慎
Play it safe with the percentage.
存到互助基金里
Put it in your mutuals.
但真正的赚钱是提高风险
But the real money is in upping the risk
并且在股份及其附属品中找乐子
and having a bit of fun in your shares and derivatives.
一提到数字 老屁就像《雨人》一样
Botty's like Rain Man when it comes to figures.
没错 但我精神没问题
Yeah, but without the mental stuff.
我要全部捐给海豹组织
I'm giving it all to seals.
-豹组织 -海豹组织
- Seal? - Seals!
海豹组织
Seals?
-绿色和平组织 -不行
- Greenpeace. - You are not!
她不会冒着风险投到股票市场的
And she's not gambling on the stock market.
在她18岁之前 都由她的信托人打理
Anyway, it's all held in trust until she's 18.
这些东西就像泰坦尼克号♥一样无懈可击
Those things are about as watertight as the Titanic.
损伤严重的船
Ouch! Savage boat ref.
我能跟你说句话吗
Can I have a quick word?
斯图尔特 你应该对此感兴趣
Stuart, you should be interested in this.
这关于你女儿的未来
It's your daughter's future.
我很感兴趣
I am interested.
汉比在市场上开了第一家磨坊
Humpy made his first mill in the markets.
看到了吗 聪明人
See? Clever man.
是啊 他真是个好人
Yeah. He's a really great guy.
抱歉 你是谁
Sorry, who are you?
我告诉你了 这是老屁 我大学同学
I told you. This is Botty, my pal from uni.
凯特 我要跟你说句话
Kate, I really need a word.
天啊 这个老屁真是个混♥蛋♥
God, that Botty's a prick.
有个大♥麻♥烦 是爸爸
I've got a problem. It's Dad.
怎么了 他干什么了
Why, what's he done now?
他没有干好事
It's not his finest moment,
他有可能去坐牢 还有我
and it could mean a prison spell for him. And me!
我非常需要你的帮助
I really need your help.
在你说话之前 我需要你谨慎考虑
Before you say another word, I need you to think very carefully
你会把我卷入什么事件中
about what you're trying to get me into.
我是下议院议员
I'm a Member of Parliament.
他在我车的后备箱里藏了半磅可♥卡♥因♥
He hid half a pound of cocaine in the boot of my car,
现在有一堆警♥察♥
and now there are a load of police
带着警犬在汽车舱搜查
with sniffer dogs searching the car deck.
你个蠢蛋
You fucking idiot!
-不是我的错 -该死
- It's not my fault. - Fuck!
该死 该死
Fuck. Fuck! Fuck, fuck!
斯图尔特 你有什么毛病
Stuart, what is wrong with you?
为什么大家都要怪我
Why is everybody blaming me?
你做过许多蠢事
You've done some stupid shit in your time,
但我要撒散我爸爸的骨灰
but this is... I'm scattering my dad's ashes.
-我知道 很抱歉 -所以你车里满是毒品吗
- I know. I'm sorry! - So your car is full of drugs?
不 在我的裤子里
No, my trousers are.
-我要走了 -凯特
- I'm walking away. - Kate!
想象一下这会让我怎么样
Imagine how this is going to make me look,
被捕之后那番愚蠢的说辞
when you are arrested with that gormless expression
以及半磅 谁会说磅啊 车里的可♥卡♥因♥
and half a pound of... who says pound?! Cocaine in your car.
-是裤子里 -滚蛋
- Trousers. - Piss off!
-我有计划了 -我不在乎
- I've got a plan. - I don't care.
别把我牵扯进来
Leave me out of it.
就算你不是为了我 当作是为了玛丹娜
If you're not going to do it for me, do it for Madonna.
别情感绑♥架♥我
Don't emotionally blackmail me!
我不想让她去监狱探视她的爸爸和爷爷
I don't want her visiting her dad and her grandad in prison.
你想让我做什么
And what exactly do you expect me to do, hmm?
塞进我的屁♥股♥里 然后大摇大摆地通过海关
Stick it up my arse and waddle through Customs?
听我说
Just hear me out.
我需要你把毒品和你父亲的骨灰混合
I need you to put the drugs in with your dad's ashes
然后撒到海里
and throw them overboard.
你是认真的吗
You're serious, aren't you?
拜托 我求你了
Please, I'm begging you.
不可能
No fucking way!
去厕所冲走
Flush it down the toilet.
不行 查理说他们在监视整个系统
I can't. Charlie said they monitor the system.
-查理 -是的 《追寻黑帮》里说的
- Charlie? - Yes, he saw it on Ross Kemp.
-查理在这里吗 -他也在后备箱里
- Charlie's here? - He's in the boot as well.
-天啊 -我不知道他在
- Oh, Jesus Christ! - I didn't know he was there.
你知道他的朋友弄断了泰德的脖子吧
You do realise his friends nearly broke Ted's neck?
不是他的朋友 所以他才躲在后备箱里
They're not his friends. That's why he's in the boot.
所以你现在要偷渡毒品和人口吗 干得漂亮 斯图尔特
So now you're smuggling drugs and people? Oh, well done, Stuart.
拜托 凯特 我不想进监狱
Please, Kate, I don't want to go to prison.
他们肯定会把我和一个连环杀手关在一起
They're bound to put me with a serial killer.
所以我要么把我父亲的骨灰和半磅毒品
So it's either toss the remains of my father in
混在一起抛撒 要么让你在监狱里被杀
with half a pound of Chang, or let you get murdered in prison?
真难选择 斯图尔特
Tough one, Stuart!
没事 妈妈
It's all right, Mum.
你♥爸♥爸不喜欢哭
Your father hated crying.
我知道
I know...
我现在能听到他说话
I can hear him now.
"别哭了 小帕"
"Stop blubbing, Pat."
他曾经从拉姆斯盖特航行到了奥斯坦德
He had the Ramsgate to Ostend route...
沿着老莎莉线
On the old Sally Line.
是的
Yeah. He did.
在九十年代初非常流行
Very popular in the early '90s...
人们都走这条线去布鲁日
With people travelling on to Bruges.
妈妈
Mum...
我想和爸爸最后独处一会儿
I'm going to have one last quiet moment with Dad.
当然可以 宝贝
Of course, darling.
-谢谢你 -闭嘴吧
- Thank you. - Shut the fuck up.
天啊 斯图尔特 我觉得我做不到
Oh, Jesus Christ, Stuart, I don't think I can do this.
-你必须这么做 -这是你的毒品
- You're going to have to. - They're your drugs.
很抱歉 凯特
I'm really, really sorry, Kate...
但我憋不住了
But I can't hold it any longer.
什么
What?
你能转过去吗
Can you turn around?
我的天啊
Oh, good God!
我很抱歉
I'm so, so sorry.
原谅我 爸爸
Forgive me, Dad.
别忘了摇晃均匀
Don't forget to give it a little shake.
天啊
Christ!
你看起来像汤姆·克鲁斯在调鸡尾酒
You look like Tom Cruise in Cocktail!
闭嘴
Shut up.
抱歉
Sorry!
完了吗
Finished?
等一下
Hang on...
结束了吗
Is that it?
希望如此
I hope so...
等一下
Wait a minute!