半独立屋（2020）

该死 该死 该死
Oh, shit, shit, shit! Shit!
斯图 你还好吗
Stu, are you all right?
你在干什么
What are you doing?
没什么
Nothing.
你想要...
Do you want...
-芝士吗 -不用了 我一会儿吃薯片就行
- cheese? - No, I'm fine. I'll wait for the chips.
怎么了
What's the matter?
我不太舒服
I don't feel very well.
天啊 肠易激综合征吗
Oh, God. IBS?
是的
Yep.
你稍等一下好吗
Can you give us a minute?
振作一点 斯图
Oh, pull yourself together, Stu.
事情不会太糟的
How bad can it be?
你也听到了吗
You can hear that too, right?
我觉得你没有认真对待此事
I just don't think you're taking this seriously.
我很认真
Yes, I am.
我当然认真
Of course I am.
-求求你别离开我 -听我说 斯图...
- Please don't leave me. - Look, Stu,...
我会改变的 我保证
I'll change. I promise.
把那玩意关掉
Turn that shit off!
-老天 他们要把波莎吵醒了 -不
- Oh, God, they're going to wake up Bertha. - No.
-我去看看她 -今天你休息 你放松
- I'll check on her. - It's your day. You...Relax.
我说了 把那玩意关掉
I said, turn that shit off!
这个玩意让我挺过了第二次离婚
This shit got me through my second divorce.
那你准备离第三次婚吧
Well, right now you're heading for a third.
搞什么
What the fuck?
老天
Oh, God!
爸 爸
Dad. Dad!
-我忙着呢 -波莎在里面吗
- I'm busy. - Is Bertha in there?
-不在 -天啊
- No! - Oh, Christ!
去哪儿了
Where the...?
你在哪 你在哪
Where are you? Where are you?
不
Oh, no!
老天 不...
Oh, God, no...
-老天... -桑迪想要什么最重要
- Oh, God... - It's always about what Sandy wants.
怎么不关心我呢
What about me?
别跟个小孩似的
Oh, don't be such a big fucking baby!
我受够了 我要一了百了
I've had enough of this. I'm ending it right now.
你别拿这种事开玩笑
You don't joke about that kind of thing.
我很认真的
Oh, I'm deadly serious!
巴里 把门打开
Barry? Open this door.
你吓着我了
You're scaring me.
不不不不不...
Oh... No, no, no, no, no, no...
不不不
No, no, no!
你在家 查理说你出门了
You're here. Charlie said you had gone out.
-没有 波莎怎么在你这 -他说他黔驴技穷了
- No. Why have you got Bertha? - He said he was at his wits' end.
天啊 他才照顾了十分钟
For fuck's sake! He's only had her for ten minutes.
是的 你得把她抱回去 泰德要回来了
Right. Well, you have to take her back. Ted's on his way.
我得把龙虾从巴里的浴缸里捞出来
I've got to get these bloody lobsters from Barry's hot tub.
-斯图尔特 你在干什么呢 -快把她给我
- Stuart, what are you doing? - Quick, give her here!
不客气
You're welcome.
她挺好的
She's fine.
我刚把她抱下楼 为了给你看
I just brought her down...to show you.
给我看什么
Show me what?
她醒着呢
She's awake.
真好 你真棒
Great. Well done.
爸比为什么觉得让你下床是对你好呢
Why does Daddy Bear think it helps, getting you out of bed?
爸比就是个傻瓜
Silly, stupid Daddy Bear.
巴里 老天 凯特 做点什么
Barry? Oh, God, Kate, do something!
他不理我
He won't answer me!
-斯图尔特 -老天 又怎么了
- Stuart! - Oh, Christ, now what?
你好 凯特
Oh, hi, Kate.
你得马上出来
You need to get out here right now.
我觉得巴里要做傻事了
I think Barry's going to do something stupid.
-斯图尔特 -马上回来
- Stuart! - Back in a minute!
巴里
Barry!
拜托
Please!
他告诉我说 他要一了百了
He just told me he's going to end it.
去和他聊聊
Go and talk to him.
艾普尔怎么办
What about April?
我们正在约白天会呢
We're on a day date.
什么
A what?
斯图尔特 他是你的朋友
Stuart, he's your friend.
拜托了 斯图
Please, Stu.
我知道他是个混♥蛋♥ 但他是我的混♥蛋♥
I know he's an asshole, but he's my asshole.
-巴里 你在里面吗 -他当然在里面了
- Barry, are you in there? - Of course he's bloody in there.
巴里 别做傻事
Barry, maybe don't do anything silly?
出什么事了
What's going on?
巴里把自己反锁在车里了
Barry's locked himself in his van.
他说他要一了百了
He said he's going to end it.
愚蠢
Plum.
阁楼上有烟花
Got some fireworks in the loft.
顺着窗户里放一支 烟就把他熏出来了
Stick a rocket through the window. that'll smoke him out.
泰德 这可不好笑 把他弄出来
Ted, it's not funny. Get him out.
让一让 女士们
Out the way, woman.
我能搞定
I've got this.
行 你随意
Fine. Knock yourself out.
巴里
Barry!
我不该说龙虾
I'm sorry about the lobsters.
那是条项链吗
Is that a necklace?
-是个捕梦网 -你崩溃了吗
- It's a dream catcher. - You having a breakdown?
艾普尔送给我的
April got it for me.
因为他做噩梦
It's for his night terrors.
真不错 让开 我来把窗砸了
Absolute bellend. Get out the way. I'll break the window.
好主意
Good idea.
你别动我的窗户
You bloody well will not.
巴里 谢天谢地
Oh, Barry! Thank God!
不 别过来
No. Stay back.
斯图尔特 就你进来
Just you, Stuart. Get in.
别一了百了 巴里 别这样
Don't end it, Barry. Not like this.
已经搞定了
It's already done.
你什么意思
What do you mean?
我取消了浴缸的财务协议
I've cancelled the finance agreement on the hot tub.
给她点颜色看看
That'll show her.
谢天谢地
Oh, thank Christ!
我再让她紧张一会儿
I'll let her sweat for a bit longer.
你和我 斯图
You and me, eh, Stu?
我们会让她们知道谁来掌权
We'll show 'em who's in charge.
所有事都不太对 巴里
Everything's gone wrong, Barry.
这没什么
Oh, this is nothing.
我们在马拉喀什的时候她朝我扔了一锅炖菜
She lobbed a tagine at me when we were in Marrakech.
羊肉撒得到处都是
Lamb everywhere.
我是说艾普尔
I mean April.
就像是过山车 你要去坐完全程
It's a roller-coaster, dude. Got to ride it.
一开始都是海滩一日游
In the beginning it's all day trips to the beach
在码头底下给你打飞机 但很快她们就
and hand jobs under the pier, but before you know it,
对你的脚指甲评头论足 朝牙医抛媚眼
they're shouting about your toenails and winking at the dentist.
我不能再毁掉一段感情了
I can't ruin another relationship.
我使尽浑身解数
I try. I try so hard.
但我做的每件事都是错的
But everything I do goes wrong.
你现在做了什么
What have you done now?
她觉得我没趣
She thinks I'm no fun.
我做的牛肉很烂
I made shitty beef.
查理要把我的血吸干了
Charlie's bleeding me dry.
我的肠易激综合征要失控了
My IBS is out of control.
她讨厌我的横幅 我还吃了一盘老爸的毒品
She hates my banner, and now I've eaten a tub of dad's drugs.
我的天啊
Gordon Bennett.
与凯特的经历要重演了
This is going to be Kate all over again.
她可能会在街上找个更好的
She'll probably find someone better over the road.
这我不用担心
Well, I shouldn't worry about that.