天堂镇警局（2018）

Paradise PD S03E03

Part 1 Dec. 29, 2022, 11:32 a.m.

（天堂镇银行）
让我把事情搞搞清楚先生们
Let me get this straight, gentlemen.
你们这是想要贷款?
You want a loan?
还用说吗钱呆子
No shit, money nerd.
咱这不♥穿♥着燕尾服呢是不?
We're wearing our tuxedo, ain't we?
我们就只有一件所以只好分着穿
We only got one, so we had to split it.
罗比选了上衣
Robby got the jacket,
威廉选了领结
William got the bow tie,
我只轮到了裤子
and I got the pants.
人模狗样的对吧? - 别!
Pretty spiffy, right? - Whoa!
我们是不会把钱借给毒品抽糊涂了的乡巴佬
We don't loan money to crack-addled rednecks
你的信用分数就是一个便便表情符号♥
whose credit score is literally the poop emoji.
至少这坨屎在微笑呐
At least that turd's smiling.
拜托了先生
Please, sir.
俺需要这笔钱来让俺爹为俺骄傲
I need this loan to make my daddy proud.
咱想开个属于俺们自个儿的游乐场
We wanna open our own carnival.
我口袋里有85美元
I have 85 dollars in my pocket.
如果你们马上离开永远不回来的话我就送给你们
I'll give it to you if you leave and never come back.
让俺问问俺们的首席财务官
Let me just check with our CFO.
是…嗯哼…好的…对…
Yep. Mm-hmm. Okay. Right.
他怎么说?
What did he say?
啥也没说只是把俺耳朵吃掉了
Nothing. He just ate my ear.
不过呢咱成交了
But you got yourself a deal.
看来俺在你这椅子上留下了一坨信用分数
Looks like I left a little credit score on your chair.
出去!
Get out!
有没搞错啊制冰器坏了
Come on. The ice maker's broken.
凯伦这冰怎么回事? 颜色跟牛奶似的
Karen, what's up with this ice? It's all milky.
那不是冰你不记得了?
That's not ice. Remember?
你庆祝千禧年的时候喝得烂醉对着冰格撸了一发
You celebrated Y2K by getting drunk and jerking off in the ice tray.
醉局长最棒!
Drunk Chief rules!
等等你知道这意味着什么吗?
Wait, do you know what this means?
意味着爸爸当年说对了
That my dad was right
他说你看起来就像是个会对着冰格撸管的人?
when he said you look like the type of guy who'd jerk off in an ice tray?
我们终于能再生一个孩子了!
We can finally have another kid!
你知道的我一直想多生几个的
You know, I wanted more kids
然后凯文把我的蛋给射爆了
before Kevin shot my balls off.
直到此刻前我一直以为已经不可能了
I never thought it'd be possible until right now.
噢绝对不行兰德尔!
Oh, hell no, Randall!
生第一个的时候你就是个不合格的父亲了
You were a terrible father the first time around.
什么? 举出哪怕一个例子来
What? Oh, name one example.
能来给我帮把手吗?
Can I get some help over here?
醉局长最棒!
Drunk Chief rules!
我保证这次不会那样了
Oh, I promise it'll be different this time.
来吧亲爱的咱就把冰格放进微波炉里
Come on, honey. Let's pop this ice tray in the microwave
然后灌到凯文的超强水枪里去你说好不好?
and load up Kevin's Super Soaker. What do you say?
让那些精♥液♥冰块滚远点
You're not getting those cum cubes near me
除非你能证明你已经改过了
unless you can prove you've changed.
你必须证明给我看
You have to show me
你能独自照看宝宝24小时
you can care for a baby by yourself for 24 hours.
成交不过有一个小问题
Deal. Slight snag, though.
我要上哪儿去找一个
Where am I gonna find a
没头发、没牙齿、流着口水、穿着尿裤的…
bald, toothless, drooling, diaper-wearing--
警官这个人性侵了我
Officer, this man sexually assaulted me.
你是否已经厌倦了单调重复的生活
Are you tired of the mundane daily grind of life
还有你那屎一般的丑到没欲望操的家人?
with your shitty, unfuckable family?
慢着在你吞枪自尽之前
Well, before you suck off a shotgun…
带他们来罗比的家庭欢乐时光游乐场吧
bring 'em down to Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival.
咱这儿有各种最好玩的项目比如…
We got all the best attractions, like…
碰碰蛋!
the bumper nards!
旋转厄尔!
The Tilt-a-Earl!
我叫厄尔
My name's Earl.
放心我不是注册性犯罪者
Don't worry. I'm not a registered sex offender.
不过呢我是个性犯罪者
I mean, I'm a sex offender.
我只是还没注册而已
I just ain't registered yet.
还有精♥液♥池
And the spunk tank.
我想换一份工作罗比
I want a new job, Robby.
赶快来吧到罗比的家庭欢乐时光游乐场来
So come on down to Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival,
地址就在喂逼马拉岛上
located on the island of Twatemala.
本游乐场不为死亡、鳄鱼导致的肢解、破伤风
Not responsible for death, alligator dismemberment, lockjaw,
意外怀孕或是厄尔负责
unwanted pregnancies, or Earl.
这些乡巴佬好大胆子敢开这种死亡陷阱般的游乐场
How dare those hicks open a death trap carnival
都不事先贿赂我!
without bribing me first!
我要你们去让那些混账红脖子关张!
I want you to shut those redneck motherfuckers down.
吉娜我俩作为搭档一起去吧
Gina, we should go together as partners.
就像是去约会一起我梦到过…
It'd be like a date, like I dream about.
我没做梦…是春梦…不是…
Not dreams-- Wet dreams-- I mean--
别说了凯文!
Shut up, Kevin!
游乐场? 我还从没去过游乐场呢
A carnival? I've never been to a carnival.
我的童年全是在昏迷中度过在我…
I spent my entire childhood in a coma after my--
你能把他嘴里那玩意拿走么?
Can you take that away from him?
我还是放回去吧
I'm just gonna put that back.
我爱游乐场! 游乐场可好玩了!
I love carnivals! They so fun!
我得去把我的漏斗蛋糕漏斗找出来
I gotta find my funnel cake funnel
好他妈直接把漏斗蛋糕漏进我他妈的肥脸里!
to funnel some fucking funnel cakes into my fat fucking face!
悠着点头韵上将
Stand down, Admiral Alliteration.
上周你威胁甜甜圈店罚你做文职
You are on desk duty for shaking down that doughnut shop last week.
不准你离开那张桌子听到了没?
You are not to leave that desk. Do you hear me?
失陪一下我要处理一下这玩意
Excuse me. I gotta take care of this.
别给我拉屎了!
Stop shitting!
嘿菲里兹! 过来! 我是你的好朋友达斯提呀
Hey, Fritz! Over here! It's your best friend, Dusty.
你刚才是不是把我叫成菲里兹了?
Did you just call me Fritz?
你该听听你不在的时候我都怎么叫你的
You should hear what I call you when you ain't in the room.
我需要你帮我去游乐场
I need you to help me get to that carnival.
我还有很多活要干呢
I have a lot of work I need to do.
你猜怎么着我也有很多活要干
You know what? I got a lot of work to do too
因为我需要给每个异形打电♥话♥
'cause I gotta call all them mutants up
告诉他们你没在监狱里
and tell 'em you ain't really in prison
然后把你的地址给他们
and give them your address
好让他们上门来
so they can come and fuck you up
当着你老婆孩子的面揍死你
in front of your wife and kid.
你已经低级到要靠敲诈了?
You're resorting to blackmail?
没错我已经低级到要靠一个黑人
Yes, I am. I'm resorting to a black male
来帮我去游乐场了
to get my ass to the carnival.
怎么去啊? 局长说不准你离开桌子了
How? Chief said you can't leave your desk.
谁说我要离开桌子了呀?
Who says I'm leaving my desk?
喂兄弟! 好一辆肥仔桌改装车
Hey, vato! Sweet fat guy desk conversion.
（罗比的家庭欢乐时光游乐场）
老天爷啊这地方真是…
Dear God, this place is--
太神奇了! 我知道我们是来让他们关张的
Magical! I know we're supposed to shut it down,
但我们能不能先一起玩一玩开心一下?
but can we please just hang out for a little while and enjoy it together?
当然了我很爱你…
Sure, I'd love you.
我很乐意来…
I'd-- I'd love to…
碰碰你的翘臀给你看看我的小鸡鸡
touch your jiggly butt and show you my wiener.
别说了凯文!
Shut up, Kevin!
所有游乐场都是这么棒的吗?
Are all carnivals this wonderful?
这一个非常之特别
This one's extra special.
我还从未见过用装酒的纸板箱做的摩天轮呢
I've never seen a Ferris wheel made of cardboard liquor boxes before.
我把酒给弄洒…
Whoops! I spilled my dri--
我真的好想赢一个毛绒玩具哦
I really want to win a stuffed animal
因为我刚跟男朋友分手
because I just broke up with my boyfriend,
我急需找样东西来与我的身体交缠
and I need something to rub against my body.
而且啊我习惯裸睡甚至连内♥裤♥也不♥穿♥
Also, I sleep in the nude, not even underwear.
我的脸怎么了?
What's wrong with my face?
游乐场买♥♥的毒品果然不靠谱
Goddamn carny drugs.
喂恶心的游乐场老太婆
Hey, gross old carny lady.
我的名字就贴在这里好么
I have a name tag, you know.
罗西妮…巴尔
Roseanne Barr.
喂让那个漂亮女士赢一把怎么样?
Hey, how about you let that pretty little lady win?
我的妈呀! 五块钱?
Holy shit! Five dollars?
我终于有钱把这个寄生虫切掉了
I can finally afford to get this parasite removed.
嗨我是汤姆阿诺德有可♥卡♥因♥么?
Hi. I'm Tom Arnold. Got any coke?