天堂镇警局（2018）

Paradise PD S03E08

Part 1 Dec. 29, 2022, 11:33 a.m.

迎接宝宝清单上的一切你都买♥♥到了
You got everything on my baby prep list
颜色和型号♥也都完全一样对吧?
down to the exact color and model, right?
当然了
Sure did.
而且你猜我在公园里找到了什么?
And guess what I found at the park?
一个免费的秋千!
A free swing set!
就连吸奶器也帮你试过了用我自己的香肠
Even tested the breast pump on my own wiener.
简直是立竿见“精”
Works like a charm.
所以我准备了一份特别的惊喜就在家里等着你呢爸爸
I've got a special surprise for you waiting at home, Daddy.
打大肚子炮咯!
Whoo! Pregnancy sex!
虽然没那么热辣但严格来说也算3P
Not quite as hot, but still technically a threesome.
噢凯伦! 给我惊喜的时候到咯!
Oh, Karen! Time for my surprise!
凯伦你在浴室里待了多久啦?
Oh, ah, hey, Karen, how long you been in the shower?
怎么都有点皱巴巴的了
You're kinda prune-y.
你在里面还好么妈?
Are you okay in there, Mom?
妈? - 你好呀兰德尔
Mom? - Hello, Randall.
介意把手从我胸上拿下来么?
Mind releasing my breasts?
我摸了老太婆的奶♥子♥!
I touched her old lady tits!
哦好像你这根小金针菇对我很有吸引力似的
Oh, 'cause your baby gherkin pickle is doing so much for me.
他怎么满足得了你啊凯伦?
How can he satisfy you, Karen?
这阴♥茎♥比你老爸的小上了整整三圈
This penis could fit inside your father's three times.
兰德尔!
Randall!
你怎么跑进浴室里跟我妈一起洗澡了?
What the hell are you doing in the shower with my mother?
我以为她是你啊!
I thought she was you!
是你说准备了一份特别惊喜的
Y-You said you had a special surprise.
这份惊喜就是妈妈过来帮我们准备迎接宝宝了
Uh, the surprise is that Mom's here to help with baby prep.
喔那还真是个大惊喜呀凯伦
Ooh, great surprise, Karen.
快让我出去
Get me out of here.
噢糟糕进去了
Oh shit. It's in.
真的?
Really?
（天堂镇警局）
这些该死的无人机是怎么回事啊?
What's up with all these goddamn drones?
这个嘛如果你非得知道的话
Well, if you must know,
天堂镇上开着全州最后一家无线电小屋
Paradise had the last Radio Shack in the state,
他们刚刚搞了个清♥仓♥大甩卖♥♥
and it had a big "going out of business" sale.
小屋可别关呀!
Not the Shack!
以后找谁修我的坦迪人声采样键盘呀?
Who's gonna service my Tandy voice-sampling keyboard?
操操操操
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
于是呢我就买♥♥了一大堆无人机
Anyway, I bought a bunch of them drones
来帮我达成每日走路目标：
to help me reach my daily step goal:
走0步
a-zero.
你不介意的话我就先失陪一下烤馅饼时间到了
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm on a Pop-Tart break.
你已经懒到连烤馅饼都要靠无人机帮你拿过来了?
You're so lazy you're gonna make a drone bring you Pop-Tarts?
当然不是了局长! 那样也太夸张了吧
Of course not, Chief! That would be ridiculous.
我的天我的天!
Oh my God. Oh my God!
我懂的吉娜我见到华夫饼也会高♥潮♥
I get it, Gina. Eggos make me cum too.
不都怪这个糟糕的人造阴蒂
No, it's this horrible bionic clit.
它老出故障让我高♥潮♥不断
It's on the fritz and giving me non-stop orgasms.
现在无线电小屋关门了
Since Radio Shack closed,
我要到哪里去找书呆子帮我敲打私处啊?
where am I gonna find a nerd to tinker with my lady parts?
我跟那帮玩龙与地下城的朋友都很在行的
Me and my D&D friends are great with tech stuff.
你确定你们能帮我停止高♥潮♥么?
You sure you guys can turn me off?
确定
Yeah.
这可以说是我们的专长
That's kind of our specialty.
达斯提你搞什么飞机啊?
Dusty, the hell are you doing?
用我的无人机给烤馅饼涂蛋黄酱呢
Using my drones to spread mayonnaise on my Pop-Tarts.
很嫉妒啊你?
Jealous much?
嫉妒个屁自从我看了《黑镜》以后我现在见到科技就害怕
Fuck no. Technology freaks me out ever since I watched Black Mirror.
我听说是讲一个操猪的英国佬的
I heard it was about a British pig fucker,
于是我就想说：“哦是皮尔斯摩根的自传呀我看看”
so I was like, "Ooh, Piers Morgan biopic, count me in."
结果完全不是
It's way different.
别胆小得像个娘们似的
Well, don't be a little scaredy-cunt.
这只不过是些普普通通的声控无人机罢了
They're just run-of-the-mill voice-activated drones,
我过上万事靠无人机的幸福生活了你说爽不爽!
and I'm living the drone life now. That's what's up.
要命我被撞得跟他妈铁头一样了!
Whoa! Goddamn, I look like fucking Ram Man!
看到没? 所以我说要尽可能远离科技
You see? That's why I'm staying as far away from technology as possible.
嘿子弹你的冰♥毒♥来了
Hey, Bullet. Here's your bag of meth.
搞什么鬼啊? 现在就连跟毒贩交心
What the fuck? Now I can't even have quality
面对面的机会也给我剥夺了?
face-to-face time with my dealer?
得有人对这些无人机采取措施
Somebody has to do something about the drones.
我同意尤其现在这些高科技红脖子
I agree, especially now that these high-tech rednecks
都开始用它们满城地贩冰♥毒♥了
are using them to sell meth all over town.
菲兹我需要你跑趟州拍卖♥♥会给警局买♥♥架直升机来
Fitz, I need you to go to the state auction and buy the P.D. a helicopter,
好让我们把这些无人机给消灭了
so we can take down the drones.
我们是老拿科技开玩笑孩子们但一定要记住了
We joke about technology, kids, but remember,
别操家里的烤面包机
don't fuck your toaster.
我知道那两道又红又热的缝看上去很诱人
I know those red hot slits look enticing,
但千万别尝试一次也别尝试
but don't try it. Not even once.
（菲兹名言）
谁提到要操♥他♥妈♥的烤面包机了你这个神经病?
Who said anything about fucking a toaster, you maniac?
赶紧给我赶到拍卖♥♥会上去
Get your ass to that auction.
本来我可以亲自去的但我得去拿婴儿用品
I'd do it myself, but I have to pick up baby musts
是凯伦和撒旦的臭鸡♥巴♥疣要我去的
for Karen and Satan's smelly dick wart.
外婆来了?
Grandma's in town?
当然啦小甜饼
I sure am, sugar pie.
过来抱抱吧
Give me them cuddles.
你永远都是外婆的“特殊孙子”
You'll always be Grammy's special boy,
多亏了兰德尔的智障精♥子♥
thanks to Randall's slow sperm.
而且今早我还一睹了递送它们的那辆“短巴士”
And this morning, I got to see the short bus that drops them off.
外婆我跟你说过我不是弱智了
Grammy, I told you I'm not special.
我给你买♥♥了个拼图
I brought you a puzzle.
拼图诶!
Puzzle!
该死的阿加莎你明知道他肯定会被碎片噎住的!
Goddamn it, Agatha, you know he chokes on the pieces.
嘿局长很抱歉我迟到了
Hey, Chief, sorry I'm late.
这样的我♥操♥家里的烤面包机时把鸡♥巴♥给烫伤了
You see, I burned my dick while fucking my toaster.
喔那两道又红又热的缝实在太诱人了
Oh, them red hot slits are so enticing.
要是有人拍条公益广♥告♥警告我不要那么做就好了
I wish someone had done a PSA warning me not to do that.
那是斯坦利霍普森吗?
Is that Stanley Hopson?
等一下你认识霍普森?
Wait, you know Hopson?
我上高中的时候喜欢过他
I had a crush on him back in high school.
当年我还是个新生而他则是个老…
I was a freshman when he was a senior…
年人
citizen.
霍普森是个不良少年
Hopson was a bad boy.
警♥察♥总是找他麻烦
He was always in trouble with the cops.
喂! 我们叫你别在校园周围晃悠了
Hey! We told you to stop hanging around the school,
你这猥琐的老头子
you creepy old fuck.
谢谢你们帮我忙各位
Thanks for helping me, guys.
好嘞我们已经成功进入了你的私处
All right, we've achieved entry into your lady area.
问题在这儿呀
Here's the problem.
人工智能被关掉了
Artificial intelligence was turned off.
成功了吗?
Did it work?
嗯我这辈子从未这么没有性♥欲♥过
Yup. I've never been more turned off in my life.
多谢了书呆子们
Thanks, nerds.
那个女妖好像施展了一次七级僵硬术
That siren seems to have cast a level 7 spell of rigidity.
喔我啥反应也没
Oh, I got nothing.
光着膀子的凯洛伦光着膀子的凯洛伦
Bare-chested Kylo Ren. Bare-chested Kylo Ren.
亮剑了!
Sha-shing!
喂你扔我东西干嘛啊?
Hey! What are you doing with my stuff?
如果你真想知道的话屁♥股♥脸这叫婴儿安全化
If you must know, ass-face, I'm baby-proofing.
这些东西都很危险
All this is dangerous.
我的台球怎么可能危…
How are my billiard balls danger--
好吧但我是绝不可能与我的坎迪斯伯根飞机杯分开的
Okay, fine, but no way am I parting with my Candice Bergen fleshlight!
还附带墨菲布朗的后♥庭♥呢
It comes with a Murphy Brown hole.
为什么我一点也不惊讶
Why am I not surprised?
你就是个畜生一个不称职的父亲
You're an animal, and a terrible father.
你瞧瞧凯文养成什么样了
Look how Kevin turned out.
喂…
Hey!
兰德尔你我都清楚没有你的话对这个宝宝才是最好的
Randall, we both know the baby would be better off without you.
天阿加莎这样烦着我就像是有一朵阴云罩在我头上似的
Christ, with Agatha up my ass, it's like a dark cloud's over my head.
没有云是我们的座驾来了局长
No, it's just our sweet ride, Chief.
我知道你是派我去买♥♥直升机的
I know you sent me to buy a helicopter,
但当我看到这艘飞艇时我就心想：
but I saw this blimp, and I was like,