天堂镇警局（2018）

Paradise PD S03E05

Part 3 Dec. 29, 2022, 11:33 a.m.

I've done way worse.
看看我那收垃圾的海豹
Check out my garbage-collecting Seal.
Seal 英国男歌♥手与海豹同音
最低工资!
Minimum wage!
这是我25年来赚过的最多的钱!
This is the most money I've made in 25 years!
宝贝…
♪ Baby… ♪
好嘞
All right.
摇滚起来!
Rock and roll!
（天堂镇警局）
真不敢相信禁袖毯竟然起了反效果
I can't believe the slanket ban backfired.
我们必须得想个办法帮天堂镇赶走
We have gotta find a way to rid Paradise
达斯提和他那帮琼斯镇自助的吃客
of Dusty and his Jonestown Buffet.
黑得妙!
Boom!
虽然我也解释不了但刚才这双关赞
I can't explain that, but it was awesome.
反正我们得做点什么
Well, we need to do something.
他们都把投资方给吓走了
They're scaring away investors
严重危及了我的重建天堂镇计划
and jeopardizing my Rebuild Paradise Initiative.
那我们要如何才能让胖人离开呢?
So, how do we get the fat people to leave town?
把门变窄? 收肉汁税?
Narrow the doorways? Impose a gravy tax?
谋杀吉米法♥伦♥?
Murder Jimmy Fallon?
老爸那不是解决一切问题的万金油
Dad, that can't be the solution for everything.
证明我是错的呀凯文证明给我看
Prove me wrong, Kevin. Prove me wrong.
我们需要某种能让天平倒向我们这边的事
We need something to tip the scales in our favor.
天平! 就是这个! 噢我真是天才
Scales! That's it! Oh, I'm a genius.
想出来的功劳是我的你去死凯文
I'm taking the credit. Fuck you, Kevin.
子弹子弹你说的对
Bullet. Bullet, you were right.
噢我知道我看到南希佩洛西的插入片段了
Oh, I know. I saw the Nancy Pelosi cutaway.
不我是说我确实是个瘾君子
No, I mean that I'm a junkie.
我摸自己的小豆豆摸上瘾了
I'm addicted to slappin' my slit skittle!
哇喔看来某人学了些医学术语呀
Wow, someone learned some medical terms.
我有样工具能帮助你戒掉这个习惯
I got equipment that could help you shake your habit.
因为你也是个瘾君子? - 不因为我是条狗
Because you're an addict? - No, because I'm a dog.
好了搞定这样一来你应该就刺♥激♥不到了
Okay, there. Now this should keep you from being sexually stimulated.
我的天
Oh God.
达斯提! 你到底在搞什么啊?
Dusty! What the hell are you doing?
啊? 只要我看到筒状物我就会想办法拿来装冰淇淋吃
What? If I see a cone, I gotta eat ice cream out of it.
前半集不是已经铺垫好了么?
I thought we established this?
跟我走朋友们
Follow me, my friends,
我将引领你们去到那应许之地
for I shall lead you to the promised land.
黄金牧场自助餐馆!
The Golden Corral buffet!
（吃到饱）
看来有些我们的成员已经提前到了呀
I see some of our members have already arrived.
不那不过是克里斯克里斯蒂和他的家人在吃晚饭
No, that's just Chris Christie and his family having dinner.
我还以为他只吃唐纳德特朗普的屁♥股♥呢
I didn't think he ate anything but Donald Trump's ass.
这是2016年的笑话!
That's a joke from 2016!
你好呀你叫啥名字?
Hello there. What's your name?
斯基普? 嗨斯基普
Skip? Hi, Skip.
我们有12个人来吃晚餐兼早餐
We gonna have 12 for dinner slash breakfast
兼吃到我们觉得自己吃饱为止
slash whenever the fuck we decide we've had enough.
听我说我真的十分抱歉
Listen, I'm really very sorry,
可是天堂镇有一条新法规说
but there is a new Paradise law that
我们不能招待任何超过270斤的客人
says we cannot serve anyone over 300 pounds.
嗯这应该不是问题
Well, that should not be a problem.
等我把第二只脚放上去应该也不会轻下来对吧?
I don't suppose it'll go down when I put my second foot on it, huh?
很抱歉各位但我只能请你们几位大块头离开了
I am sorry, y'all, but I'm gonna have to ask you biguns to leave.
好吧朋友们看来我们也别无选择
Well, friends, I guess we have no choice
只能采取接下来的行动了
about what we must do next.
操♥你♥妈♥ 斯基普!
Fuck you, Skip!
喔我好像看到了一张空桌
Oh, I think I see a free table.
克里斯你到底过不过来呀?
Hey, Christie, you with us or against us?
好了我已经跟服务员解释了我们一分钱也没有
Okay, I explained to the attendant how we're completely broke
而且急需开回天堂镇去
and need to get back to Paradise,
他说可以让我们免费加油
and he said we could have the gas for free…
只要能让他拍一张你阴♥道♥的照片
if he can have a picture of your vagina.
我也是这么跟他说的!
That's what I told him!
没门!
No way!
没可能!
No how.
我也不知道这台宝丽来相机是从哪儿冒出来的
I don't know where this Polaroid camera came from.
真的假的亲爱的? 你当真要给你老公浇汽油?
Really, honey? You're gonna douse your husband in gasoline?
哇! 佛罗里达真棒!
Whoo! Florida rules!
给你吧我老婆阴♥道♥的照片
Here you go. One picture of my wife's vagina.
噢爽宝贝想加多少油就加多少去吧
Oh yeah, baby. Take all the gas you want.
（自♥慰♥小屋）
既然我们已经成交了有一件事我得告诉你
Now that we have a deal, there's one thing I should let you know.
那是我的屁♥眼♥!
That's my butthole!
你们已经被包围了!
We have the place surrounded!
立刻放下上膛的烤土豆举起火腿走出来!
Drop your loaded baked potatoes and come out with your hams up!
黄金牧场是可以吃到饱的我们还没吃完呢
Golden Corral's all you can eat, and we ain't finished yet!
所以给我滚!
So fuck off!
不能忍♥了男人们…还有凯文
That's it, men… and Kevin.
全副武装准备突袭
Prepare for an all-out assault.
枪、手榴弹、催♥泪♥弹♥、瘦得快
Guns, grenades, tear gas, SlimFast.
动用一切手段歼灭这些死胖子
Whatever it takes to obliterate these fat fucks.
什么? - 没门
What? - No way.
我是谁?
Who am I?
尽管我很乐意能在比拼性感方面少一些竞争对手
As much as I'd love to have less competition in the sexiness department,
我还是下不了手伤害达斯提
I couldn't hurt Dusty.
行啊我不需要你们
All right, I don't need you.
我会想个办法自己进去
I'll find a way into the compound myself
解决这些耶♥和♥华♥不健身人
and take out those Jehovah's Unfitnesses.
这一个不是很妙
That one wasn't great.
啊不管了!
Ah, fuck it!
就差一点了
Almost there.
啊妈的我卡住了
Ah, shit. I'm stuck.
不许动不然我开枪了!
Freeze, or I'll shoot!
该死的!
Goddamn it!
别担心我们会拉你出来的
Don't worry. We gonna pull you out.
喂小心点我的衣服要被扒下来了
Hey, careful. My clothes are coming off.
糟糕我的塑身衣!
No, not my Spanx!
请别看我我太丑陋了!
Please don't look at me. I'm hideous!
局长! 我都不知道原来你这么…
Chief! I never knew you were so--
胖!
Fat!
我是个没出柜的胖子好吗?
I'm a closeted fat guy, all right?
我正打算说优美呢
I was gonna say gorgeous.
不我不美
No, I'm not.
做个胖子很恶心
Being fat is gross.
哦局长
Oh, Chief.
你是个仇恨自己的胖子
You're a self-hating fat,
就像是那些恐同的政客
like one of them homophobic politicians
后来被发现原来可喜欢吃鸡鸡了
who turns out to just love sucking peters all the time.
你知道的比如北卡罗来纳州的史蒂夫威尔斯
You know, like Steve Wiles from North Carolina,
或是北达科他州的兰迪保宁
or Randy Boehning from North Dakota,
或是佛罗里达州的马克弗利
or Mark Foley from Florida,
或是华盛顿州的理查德柯蒂斯
or Richard Curtis from Washington,
或是印第安那州的格兰墨菲
or Glenn Murphy from Indiana,
俄克拉何马州的拉尔夫邵提
or Ralph Shortey from Oklahoma,
或是爱达荷州的拉里克雷格
or Larry Craig from Idaho.
还有好多个呢只不过我喘不上气了
There's more, but I'm running out of breath.
你为什么要这么做啊局长?
Why would you act like this, Chief?
因为神恨胖子
Because God hates fats.
在这里我就是神
Well, I'm God here,
我爱我所有的孩子
and I love all my childrens.
没错我一早就知道这是个邪教
Yeah, I knew it was a cult the whole time.
好了赶快过来在我神圣的拥抱中找到宽慰吧
Now, get in here and find comfort in my divine embrace,
你这美丽而胖嘟嘟的混♥蛋♥
you beautiful, pudgy bastard.
谢谢你达斯提
Thank you, Dusty.
就连我都接受不了我自己你们这些肥猪却接受了我
You lard goblins accepted me when I couldn't even accept myself.
警徽你可以拿回去了
And you can have your badge back.
可我的体能测试怎么办?
But what about my fitness test?
去他妈的我也过不了
Fuck that. I couldn't pass either.
来吧朋友我们出去吧
Come on, pal. Let's get outta here.
（出口）
糟糕调查局的人肯定在外面等着打算搞韦科用过的伎俩呢
Oh shit. The FBI must be out there pulling a Waco.