天堂镇警局（2018）
Paradise PD
第三季
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天堂镇警局（2018）
Paradise PD S03E04
Part 1
Dec. 29, 2022, 11:33 a.m.
所以 我们是完全不打算谈
So, we're just not gonna talk
你用我的精♥液♥做玛格丽特酒这事了?
about how you made a margarita outta my jizz?
嘿 伙计们 我们刚刚接到了一通911电♥话♥
Hey, fellas, we just got a 911 call
关于枪♥支♥案件的
about a gun situation.
天堂镇警局!
Paradise PD!
我们接到电♥话♥说出了枪♥支♥问题?
We got a call about a gun problem?
说的太他妈对了 是出问题了
Goddamn right, there's a problem.
这场派对里每个人都有把枪
Everybody at this party has a gun,
就俺侄儿没有
except my nephew.
这要他怎么打皮纳塔啊?
How the hell's he supposed to shoot the piñata?
喂 别给他枪啊 这样很危险!
Hey, don't give him that. That's dangerous!
哦 放轻松 凯文 不过是个皮纳塔罢了
Oh, relax, Kevin. It's just a piñata.
早上好 子弹先生 你在干什么呢?
Good morning, Mr. Bullet. And what are you doing?
你懂的 为赚毒品钱跟这些德国商人干些奇怪的事
You know, weird stuff with these German businessmen for drug money.
噢 你好呀 汉斯
Oh, hey, Hans.
子弹 我希望你会愿意穿几件像这样的可爱服装
Bullet, I was hoping you'd put on one of these cute costumes
给我的YouTube频道拍些视频
so I could film you for my YouTube channel.
我听说动物视频总有很多人看 于是我就打算给我的猫穿
I know animals get tons of views, so I was gonna put 'em on my cats,
可是啊 说来好笑
but, funny story,
你♥他♥妈♥把它们全杀光了 真♥他♥妈♥毁了我的人生!
you fucking killed them all and ruined my goddamn life!
我才不会穿你这些傻♥逼♥服装
I'm not gonna put on one of your stupid outfit
拍侮辱狗格的视频 好吗?
and be in some degrading video, all right?
这是任何一个动物能干的最可悲的事情
That's the saddest thing you can see an animal do.
爽! 用力打我拉大便的地方吧
Ja! Smack me where I scheisse.
求你了 子弹
Please, Bullet.
我真的很想做一个网红 但我就只有一个订阅者
I really wanna be an influencer, but I only got one subscriber
而且还是个名字叫“达斯提的妈妈”的僵尸号♥
and it's some random bot named Dusty's Mama
一直在留言说：“操♥你♥妈♥ 去死吧 你这个死胖子! ”
who keeps writing, "Fuck you. Die, you fat fuck fuck!"
你有没考虑过听取留言的意见?
Well, have you considered taking the feedback?
不 完全不打算
No, not at all
因为我的视频拍得可棒了 你看
'cause my videos are really good. See?
大家好呀!
Hey, guys!
这周我要做一个反应视频
This week I'm doing a reaction video.
我刚刚吃完了一大桶虾子
Now, I just ate a bucket of shcrumps,
我对虾有致死性的过敏
which I am deathly allergic to,
这样就能让我产生一个反应…
so I can have a reaction--
我的喉咙开始堵起来了
My throat's closing up.
别忘了点赞加订阅…
Don't forget to like and subscribe--
YouTube上终于有了
Finally something on YouTube
比《眼镜蛇》还要糟糕的东西 是吧?
worse than Cobra Kai, huh? Right?
霍普森 我有麻烦了
Hopson, I've got a problem.
我也是 我老把自己蛋蛋冲下马桶去
Uh, me too. I keep flushing my balls down the toilet.
是啊…
Yeah…
先来说说我的麻烦吧
Let's talk about my problem.
我最近是越来越爱我的老婆了
I've really grown to love my wife,
但我担心她会离我而去 因为我在性生活上…
but I'm afraid she's gonna leave me because I'm having trouble
满足她有点困难
pleasing her sexually.
我们连角色扮演都试过了
We even tried role-playing.
我们还演了一出海豚与日本渔夫的戏
We did the whole dolphin/Japanese fisherman scenario.
为什么又让我来演海豚?
Why am I the dolphin again?
你们有没有试过海洋情♥趣♥用♥品♥?
You ever try oceanic sex toys?
我这边有根海豚按♥摩♥棒♥ 名叫“泄殖腔震动仪”
I've got a dolphin vibrator called the cloaca quaker.
嗯 我们已经试过了
Yeah, we tried that already.
还不赖
It ain't bad.
她倒是提过想试试3P 可是…
She did mention trying a threesome,
我不太确定能不能找到
but I'm not gonna find someone
一个愿意和一条海豚3P的人
who'd have a threesome with a dolphin.
开玩笑呢?
Are you kidding?
我就认识一个很棒的姑娘可以介绍给你认识
I know a great gal I could send your way.
这个嘛…
Yeah…
我看我最好还是别和
I don't think I wanna be with anyone
你这下流胚子的炮♥友♥扯上关系
your dirty ass has been with.
哦 不是 我是绝不会跟她睡的
Oh no, I'd never go with her.
她完全不是我喜欢的类型
She's not my type at all.
她又年轻又性感又灵活
She's young, sexy, flexible,
而且也没长一根25厘米长的拉丁裔鸡♥巴♥
and ain't got no ten-inch Latino penis.
真的吗? 多谢啦 霍普森!
Really? Thanks, Hopson!
我要怎么才能报答你啊?
How can I ever repay you?
这个嘛 你可以帮我把蛋蛋从马桶里拿出来
Well, you could help me plunge my nuts outta the toilet.
妈的! 霍普森 我不是叫你把蛋蛋收拾好的吗?
Ow! Shit! Hopson, what did I tell you about leaving your balls laying around?
老爸 我把皮纳塔枪击案的事全告诉老妈了
Dad, I told Mom all about the piñata shooting.
听起来我们镇好像有枪♥支♥问题啊
Sounds like the town has a gun problem.
喔 拜托 凯伦 这个镇哪里来的什么枪♥支♥问题
Oh, come on, Karen. This town doesn't have a gun problem.
看看我呀 大家伙儿!
Look at me, y'all!
俺就是刻板印象中的有害南方人
I'm a hurtful southern stereotype!
好吧 我们确实有许多枪
Okay. So we got a lot of guns.
但大家手上的枪越多 人们就越安全
But the more guns there are, the safer the people are.
兰德尔 你这样替枪辩护
Randall, you're just defending guns
完全是因为你是全国步♥枪♥协会的成员
because you're a member of the NRA.
你说得太他妈对了 证件随身带的正式成员
You're goddamn right. Card-carrying member.
连卡也是一把能开的枪?
The card is a functioning gun?
少给我抱怨
Oh, quit your bitching.
要不是多亏了这张卡在我钱包里走火 打穿了安全套
If this hadn't gone off in my wallet and shot a hole in the condom,
你今天可不会站在这里
you wouldn't even be here.
老爸 我们没理由不能合理的管控枪♥支♥
Dad, there's no good reason why we can't have sensible gun control.
喔 闭嘴吧 凯文
Oh, give it a rest, Kevin.
我受够了你们自♥由♥派搞得好像
I'm sick of you liberals acting like
枪是社会中唯一危险的东西
guns are the only dangerous thing in society.
蛋黄酱也能杀人
Mayonnaise kills people.
那就要把所有蛋黄酱都收缴掉吗?
Just take all the mayonnaise away?
从达斯提手上? 要啊
From Dusty? Yes.
各位! 我脑袋又卡在蛋黄酱罐里了
Guys! I got my head stuck in the mayonnaise jar again!
听我说 不是只有我一个人在这么说
Look, I'm not the only one saying this.
你应该去听听其他支持枪♥支♥管控的人
You should listen to other gun control advocates,
比如迈克尔摩尔
like Michael Moore.
嗯 那家伙应该把心思多花在控制饮食而不是管控枪♥支♥上
Yeah, that guy needs to focus less on gun control and more on portion control.
傻♥逼♥胖子一个
Stupid, fat sumbitch.
我赞同凯文
I agree with Kevin.
这种枪♥支♥意外老是在发生 可我们却对此无动于衷
These gun incidents happen all the time, and we never do anything about it.
无动于衷?
Never do anything?
我告诉你 就在皮纳塔事件死人后
I'll have you know that after the piñata fatalities,
我发了推文说:“献上思念与祈祷”
I tweeted, "Thoughts and prayers."
耶稣在看的 知道么
Jesus reads those, you know.
不光思念 还有祈祷?
Thoughts and prayers?
悲痛中的家庭还能有啥奢求呢?
What more could a grieving family possibly want?
妈 你是市长 做点什么吧
Mom, you're the mayor. You gotta do something.
不行 镇上刚出了一起悲剧
Oh no. This town just had a tragedy.
现在是阻止更多悲剧发生最糟糕的时机
That's the worst possible time to prevent tragedies.
听着 在我们变成共♥产♥主义的加拿大之前
Look, before we become communist Canada,
让我教教你们俩 枪的重要性
let me teach you two the importance of guns
我要带你们去游览一下全国步♥枪♥协会!
by taking you on a tour of the NRA!
行 去就去
Fine, I'll go.
但你得先看完这个迈克尔摩尔的视频
But only if you watch this Michael Moore video.
这一桶虾子代表枪 而我代表美国
This bucket of shcrumps are guns, and I'm America.
哦 我算明白了
Oh, I get it.
他做了我做的事 然后让它看起来“聪明”一点
He did what I did and made it "smart."
（天堂镇警局）
喔 咱来看一看今晚我要吸哪一款收缴来的毒品?
Oh, let's see. What confiscated drugs am I gonna get high on tonight. huh?
大♥麻♥? 当我几岁啊 11岁?
Marijuana? Huh. What am I, 11?
海♥洛♥因♥? 当我几岁啊 12岁? 别搞笑了
Heroin? Yeah, what am I, 12? Get out of here.
唔 哎呦 这个没见过
Ooh, hey, this is new.
毒龙舌兰?
Blowquila?
加了可♥卡♥因♥的龙舌兰?
Cocaine-infused tequila.
要命了! 瞧瞧这条龙舌兰虫
Holy shit! Look at the tequila worm.
他还玩起后空翻来了
Huh! Now he's doing backflips.
等等 现在他又想出了一款新应用的商业企划来
Wait, now he's got a business plan for a new app.
（虫子用的同志约炮软件）
反正是说服我了
Well, I'm sold.
这 啊
This is… Ahh…
这是...
This…
这是我嗨得最爽的一回
This is the best high I've ever had.
天堂镇警局（2018）
Paradise PD
剧集 | 天堂镇警局（2018） | 导航列表