天堂镇警局（2018）

Paradise PD S03E09

Part 1 Dec. 29, 2022, 11:33 a.m.

（欢迎来到天堂镇）
凯伦唯一比你妈让我更恨的人
Karen, the only person I hate more than your mother
就是那个混球霍普森
is that asshole Hopson.
你为什么要逼我来?
Why are you forcing me to do this?
因为他们很有钱
Because they're rich,
我需要一笔巨大的捐款给我的重建天堂镇计划
and I need a hefty donation to my Rebuild Paradise Initiative
得赶在霍普森把我妈的钱败光之前!
before Hopson blows through all Mom's money!
他已经说服她买♥♥下他的梦想之家了
He already talked her into buying his dream home.
哇喔没想到还挺高雅的
Wow, surprisingly classy.
其实是那一栋
Actually, it's that one.
那个你的新家很…有意思呢
So, your new house is… interesting.
是不是很棒呀?
Isn't it great?
这些艺术品也是随屋送的
It came with all this artwork.
对这是林赛格雷厄姆的避暑别♥墅♥
Yeah, this was Lindsey Graham's summer home.
那老小子可爱鸡♥巴♥了!
That old boy loves dicks!
噢我以前做梦梦到过
Oh, I used to dream about this,
想当年我还住在储物间里往酸黄瓜罐里尿尿…
back when I was living in a storage unit and pissing in a pickle jar…
那已经是今早的事了
this morning.
现在多亏了…你叫啥名字来着?
Now, thanks to-- What's your name again?
阿加莎
Agatha.
对哦!
Right!
多亏了大奶女士我想买♥♥什么就能买♥♥什么
Thanks to big-tit lady, I can buy whatever I want.
车子呀电视呀
Cars, TVs,
葡萄牙男子水球队的全班人马
the entire Portuguese men's water polo team.
我都买♥♥下来了
I bought 'em!
我好冷啊我们能穿件衣服么?
I'm so cold. Can we get dressed?
别说中国话
No speak-y Chinese-y.
妈斯坦利这样大手大脚花你的钱你就没意见吗?
Mom, are you okay with Stanley just spending all your money like this?
噢你了解我的我是很传统的姑娘
Oh, you know me. I'm an old-fashioned gal.
我相信应该把钱交给男人来管
I believe men should handle the finances,
不然我们这些女流之辈肯定
otherwise us lady folk would
会把钱全浪费在无聊可笑的东西上的
squander it on frivolous nonsense.
瞧瞧! 我买♥♥了一把传送枪
Check it out! I bought a portal gun.
求你了帮帮我们
Please, help us.
所以啊凯伦如果你是来为你那糟糕的小镇行乞的
So, Karen, if you're here to grub up money for your awful town,
你得让你丈夫跟我丈夫谈
your husband will have to talk to my husband.
噢该死的行
Oh, goddamn. Fine.
你知道么霍普森我一直以来都觉得你是个…还可以的人
You know, Hopson, I gotta say, I always thought you were an okay guy.
哦小嘴真甜啊
Oh, that's so sweet.
我一直以来都觉得你是个肥胖、秃顶的混球
I always thought you were a fat, bald asshole,
而且我一直都很想对着你的鼻子放屁
and I wanted to fart straight up your nose.
操♥你♥妈♥ 你这个老混… - 就让他来吧兰德尔
Fuck you, you old piece of-- - Just let him do it, Randall!
哦太好了!
Oh, joy!
不行凯伦我是绝不会…
Oh no, Karen. I am not gonna--
要是你不帮我把这笔钱弄到了
Randall, if you don't help me get this money,
我保证肚子朝下跳水把这个宝宝摔成第二个凯文
God help me, I will belly flop this baby into another Kevin.
你这个怪物! 你不敢的
You monster! You wouldn't.
喂基♥督♥教青年会吗?
Hello, YMCA?
可以麻烦你们把跳水台升高3米
Can you please raise your diving board about ten feet
然后把泳池抽干吗? 谢谢了
and drain the pool, please? Thanks.
好吧好吧
Okay. Okay, okay.
凯伦我害怕了
Karen, I'm scared.
我感觉这个老板有一点点奇怪啊
I think the boss is a little weird.
这根本不算什么
This is nothing.
我以前是为林赛格雷厄姆工作的
I used to work for Lindsey Graham.
不知廉耻半兽人!
Fie upon you, foul half-orc!
我要将你打入大恶魔的烈焰深渊之中
I cast you into the fiery pits of the archdevil!
挡住了
Blocked it.
不你没有!
No, you didn't!
唉莫尔金我判定你的法术失败了
Alas, Merkin, I rule that your spell has failed,
就如同我尝试偷看我姐姐猛涨的小胸脯一般失败了
much like my attempts to get a peek at my sister's burgeoning breast buds.
你挡不住的! - 我绝对挡住了!
You can't block it! - I totally blocked it!
我已经给出判定了这是最终决定
I have given my ruling, and it's final.
小胸脯
Breast buds.
喂恋童癖! 离那些孩子远点!
Hey, pedophile! You leave those kids alone!
凯文? 我接到一通电♥话♥说有个红毛猥琐娈童男
Kevin? I got a call that some red-haired creepo kiddie-fiddler
想摸一个小书呆子的鸡♥巴♥ 是你?
was trying to grab some little dork dick. It's you?
不! 我们只是在“实色演”
No! We're just LARP-ing.
“实验性色情表演”? 你这个变♥态♥狗♥娘♥养♥的!
Little ass rectal-poking? You sick son of a bitch!
只是游戏一场吉娜
It's just a game, Gina.
这叫“实境角色扮演”
It's called live-action role-playing.
你来跟我们一起玩吧! 肯定很好玩的我们结个婚
You should play with us! We'll have fun, get married,
然后我可以对你便便的地方尿尿生个娃出来!
and I can pee where you poop and make a baby!
我开玩笑的
I'm kidding.
真厉害不亏是泡妞高手
And that's why he's the ladies' man.
我永远也不会玩你们这个傻♥逼♥处♥男♥的幻想游戏
I'll never play your stupid, virgin, pussy-parching fantasy game
只要我还有一口气
as long as I live.
赶紧滚别逼我对你们施放一级拉内♥裤♥法术
Now scram before I'm forced to cast a level one wedgie spell.
严格地说一级拉内♥裤♥法术不是特别强大因为…
Technically, a level one wedgie spell wouldn't be very powerful because--
喂看好这些孩子
Hey, keep an eye on those kids.
这一带有个红毛恋童癖出没
There's a ginger pedophile around here somewhere.
我的天呐! 孩子们快点!
Oh my goodness! Children, hurry!
躲在我这没窗户的厢车里很安全的!
You'll be safe here in my windowless van!
（免费糖果）
西科尔你妈妈呢?
Seakul, where's your mom?
她一小时前就应该来接我们了呀
She was supposed to get us, like, an hour ago.
她的车在那儿!
There's her car.
不妙! 要是她出事了怎么办?
Oh no! What if she's hurt?
我们得去森林里找她才行
We need to go into the forest and find her.
可那是禁林啊
But that's the Forbidden Forest.
你们没听大人们说么?
Haven't you heard what the grown-ups say?
那里面住着怪物很可怕的怪物!
Monsters live in there, scary monsters!
怪物? 不可能
Monsters? No way.
是真的宝贝
It's true, baby.
卡马罗鲍勃!
Camaro Bob!
嘿朋友们
Hey, friendlies.
哥几个是想去送死么?
You brahs got a death wish?
那片迷雾之中藏着怪物呢宝贝
There's monsters in that mist, baby.
让卡马罗鲍勃去找你妈吧
Let Camaro Bob find your mom.
我是肯波流空手道白带
I got a white belt in Kenpo Karate.
可你刚说这是去送死啊
But you just said it was a death wish.
还好“死”字反过来念就是我的中间名…
Yeah, well, death spelled backwards is my middle name…
“伊思”
Htaed.
没错我是亚美尼亚人宝贝
That's right, I'm Armenian, baby.
一只怪物把我打倒了宝贝!
A monster got me, baby!
记得在我的墓碑上刻下：
Write this on my tombstone,
“软着也有25厘米宝贝! ”
"Ten inches limp, baby!"
（天堂镇警局）
甜甜圈周四!
Doughnut Thursday!
甜甜圈甜甜圈甜甜圈
♪ Doughnut, doughnut, doughnut ♪
啊甜甜圈甜甜圈甜甜圈!
♪ A-doughnut, doughnut, doughnut! ♪
我有甜甜圈甜甜圈 ! 我…
♪ I gotta doughnut, doughnut! I-- ♪
不! 是哪个蘸糖霜的混♥蛋♥吃了我的甜甜圈?
No! Who the zippy-dippy frosted fuck ate my doughnuts?
噢我的错达斯提
Oh, my bad, Dusty.
唉那次的核辐射创造出了一株新大♥麻♥
Yeah, that nuclear fallout created a new strain of weed.
抽了以后超级馋嘴
It gave me the super munchies.
超级馋嘴核大♥麻♥?
Super munchie nuke weed?
那所有甜甜圈都在劫难逃了!
Well, no doughnut will be safe!
告诉我你是从哪儿买♥♥来这罪恶毒品的不然我就爆了你的菊
Tell me where you bought that heinous drug, or I'll bust your little ass.
达斯提我爱你但面对现实吧
Dusty, I love you, but let's be honest.
你唯一能爆的就只有拉链和地秤
The only thing you bust are zippers and truck scales.
你忘算了小猪扭扭超♥市♥里面的摇摇蝙蝠车!
You forgot the Batmobile ride at the Piggly Wiggly!
我也把那玩意坐爆了你这个大傻♥逼♥!
I busted that one too, you dumb dipshit!
您早晨9点的客人来了霍普森先生
Your 9 a.m. is here, Mr. Hopson.
霍普森等你看完我们这次的介绍
Hopson, when we get done with this presentation,
你就会明白你为什么必须捐助我的重建天堂镇…
you'll see why you must donate to my Rebuild Paradise--
喔不好意思我还在吃早餐呢
Oh, excuse me, I was just finishing up breakfast.
好了跟我说说你那重建垃圾狗屎吧
Now, tell me all about your Rebuild bullshit horseshit.
重建天堂镇计划一共分为三个阶段
The Rebuild Paradise Initiative is divided into three phases.
第一阶段是清理阶段…
The first phase is a cleanup phase…
蛋蛋!
Balls!
第二阶段以拆除所有无法修缮的建筑设施开始