天堂镇警局（2018）
Paradise PD
第三季
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天堂镇警局（2018）
Paradise PD S03E06
Part 2
Dec. 29, 2022, 11:33 a.m.
都管我叫贪精鬼麦克老鸭
like to call me Splooge McDuck.
贪精鬼麦克老鸭…贪精鬼麦克老鸭?
Splooge McDuck? Splooge McDuck?
真的? 你♥他♥妈♥跟我开玩笑呢吧?
Really? Are you fucking kidding me?
霍普森 每他妈一集
Hopson, every goddamn episode,
你都要搞点乱七八糟的性变♥态♥玩意
it is more sex-monster bullshit with you.
你以为我们当真会拍你戴顶高帽子穿双鞋罩
Now you think we're gonna show you wearing a top hat and spats
跳进一保险库的精♥液♥里去的片段?
and diving into a vault of jizz?
绝对不可能! 够了! 我受不了了!
No fucking way! No more! I have had it!
你已经被天堂镇警局开除了!
You are fired from Paradise PD!
你要把我从警队里踢出去?
You're kicking me off the force?
不 是被这部剧开除了!
No, you're off the goddamn show.
好了 刚才说到哪儿了?
Now, where were we?
这可是全国戒备最森严的精♥子♥银行
Now, this is the nation's highest security sperm bank,
所以你俩必须做卧底进去 装成一对情侣去
so you'll have to go in undercover as a couple.
一对女同情侣
A lesbian couple.
一旦进去后 你们要躲过重重的安保设施
Once in, you'll bypass the security measures.
等你们进入了精♥子♥保险柜后 拿上我的样本
Once you're in the sperm safe, grab my sample.
即便是在你关于最好情况的幻想中 我们还是被逮住了?
So even in your best-case scenario fantasy, we get caught?
被逮住是计划的一部分
Getting caught is part of the plan.
他们会打电♥话♥报♥警♥
They'll call the cops.
谁会接这通电♥话♥呢?
Who's gonna answer that call?
我
Me.
我会假装逮捕你们 收下精♥子♥
I'll fake arrest you guys, pocket the sperm,
把凯伦肚子搞大 然后这个婴儿就能修补我们的感情了
knock Karen up, and the baby will fix our relationship.
万无一失
It's perfect.
凯文 我爱你
Kevin, I love you.
摸着我的屁♥股♥告诉我 为什么艾伦摩尔的《守望者》是一部
Touch my butt while you tell me how Alan Moore's The Watchman
关于超级英雄套路的解构主义寓言
is a deconstructionist parable of the superhero paradigm.
可恶 凯文 这是我的最好情况 不是你的
Damn it, Kevin, this is my best case scenario, not yours.
嗨 我是个长奶♥子♥的烟枪
Hi, I'm a bong with tits.
子弹!
Bullet!
凯伦肯定会很惊喜的
Isn't Karen gonna be surprised
等我的奶油小队抢完了精♥液♥银行后
that I can finally impregnate her
我总算能让她怀上孕了
once my Cream Team robs the Yank Bank.
好了 布置得贼浪漫了
There, the perfect romantical setting.
精♥液♥水枪对准目标
Semen soaker's locked on target.
糟糕! 我最好尽快赶到局里去!
Oh crap! I better get to the station!
千万不能错过精♥子♥银行打来的911电♥话♥啊
Don't wanna miss that 911 call from the sperm bank.
妈的!
Oh! Shit!
拜托 给我立起…
Oh, come on, get back--
还得把这些垃圾理回去
Gotta put this shit back--
这是…
What the…
凯伦怀孕了?
Karen's pregnant?
深夜归家
The late nights.
老发信息
The texts.
凯伦背着我偷人了!
Karen's cheating on me!
打搅一下 先生 在下斯维许戈德堡 《家庭问答》的制♥作♥人
Excuse me, sir. Swishy Goldberg, Family Feud producer.
我们正在向100个人调查
We asking 100 people,
你在工具箱里能找到些啥?
what's something you might find in a toolbox?
喔 操♥你♥妈♥ 你这个死胖子!
Oh, fuck you, you fat motherfucker!
这似乎是今天最受欢迎的答案呢
Well, that seems to be the number one answer today.
（精♥子♥银行）
这比老爸幻想中的要艰难太多了
This is way harder than Dad's fantasy.
是啊 局长刚才说激光 我就在想
Yeah, Chief said lasers, but I was thinking,
这种能把你♥妈♥的♥阴♥道♥除毛除得这么干净漂亮的东西
how can the thing that makes your mom's vagina
怎么能把人弄得这么疼啊?
so hairless and awesome possibly hurt?
等等 你怎么知道我妈的阴♥道♥没有毛?
Wait, how do you know my mom has a bald vagina?
嘿 她喜欢红酒 我喜欢花生酱
Hey, she likes wine. I like peanut butter.
不说了 我们有正经事要干呢 噢 局长的样本在这里
Anyway, we got work to do. Oh, here's Chief's sample.
很好
Great.
别担心 这在计划之中
Don't worry. This was the plan.
估计老爸正在警局截这通911电♥话♥呢
Dad is probably at the police station right now, intercepting the 911 call.
我们现在只需要放松 慢慢等就行了
All we have to do is relax and wait.
至少危险的部分我们已经都闯过去了
At least we got past all the dangerous stuff.
安保眼镜蛇!
Security cobras!
（酒吧）
继续倒 乔
Line 'em up, Joe.
既然我那说谎、出轨、怀了孕的老婆没戏了
Now that my lying, cheating, pregnant wife's out of the picture,
我需要醉到“自摸”的程度才行
I need to get "touch myself" wasted.
嗨 我叫曲奇
Hi, I'm Cookie.
别介意我多嘴呀 任何有你还出轨的女人 肯定是疯子
If you don't mind me saying, any woman who cheats on you is insane.
天呐 小姐 你真这么认为?
Golly, miss. You really think so?
我能请你喝杯酒么?
Can I buy you a drink?
宝贝 我很乐意
Baby, I'd love that.
那个长胡子的光头已经请我喝了一晚上酒了
That bald guy with a mustache has been buying me drinks all night.
他是故意想把我灌醉了 好让我摸他的鸡♥巴♥
He's trying to get me drunk so I'll touch his dick.
我可没那么随便
I'm not that easy.
喔 我这是骗谁呢? 此刻我的手就在他裤子里
Oh, who am I kidding? I got my hand down his pants right now.
真是太性感了
That is so hot.
我们走吧
Let's get out of here.
你听到了没 光头佬? 我要跟她一起走了
You hear that, baldy? I'm leaving with her.
行啊 这是我最后一回请你喝酒了
Well, that's the last time I buy you drinks,
他妈光挑逗不干活
you fucking cocktease.
（天堂镇警局）
接电♥话♥去 霍普森
Get the phone, Hopson.
噢 对哦 他去别的剧组工作了
Oh, that's right. He got a job on some other show.
嗨 宝宝
Hi, baby.
我是来教你怎么打炮的
I'm here to teach you how to fuck.
天堂镇警局
Paradise PD.
精♥子♥银行被抢劫了?
A sperm bank robbery?
那就相当于有五百万亿个人♥质♥啊
That's, like, 500 trillion hostages.
（精♥子♥银行）
我好像听到警笛声了
I think I hear a siren.
总算来了 是老爸
Finally, it's Dad.
受死吧 偷精贼!
Prepare to die, sperm snatchers!
你以为自己是个矮子我就会手下留情了?
You think I'll go easy on you because you're a dwarf?
我才不怕扯下彼特丁拉基的丁丁呢
I ain't afraid to rip the Peter off a Dinklage.
我的脊椎都被打歪了
I got a slipped disc!
哦 电击会阴的时间到了!
Oh, it's taint tasing time!
吉娜 别! 我们不是罪犯
Gina, no! We're not criminals.
是我!
It's me!
艾德希兰?
Ed Sheeran?
这一天我等了好久了!
I've been waiting for this day.
不 我是凯文
No, it's Kevin.
凯文? 怎么回事啊? 那他是谁?
Kevin? What the fuck? Then who's that?
是子弹 你把他的皮扒了 所以很难认得出来
It's Bullet. He's hard to recognize since you turned him inside out.
救…
Help.
救救我
Help me.
是时候玩《家庭问答》了!
It's time to play the Family Feud!
有请异形一家出场
Introducing the Mutant Family.
眼球头 屁♥眼♥肩
Eyeball Head, Asshole Shoulder,
大脑屌♥唇 脓包泡先生
Big Brain Dick Lips, Mr. Pus Bubble,
还有克洛维斯
and Clovis.
接着有请乡巴佬一家
And introducing the Hick Family.
温德尔 罗比 呆伯特 唐娜 还有…
Wendell, Robby, Delbert, Donna, and…
那他妈的是条蛇人吗?
Is that a goddamn snake-man?
掌声欢迎主持人 史蒂夫哈维!
And welcome our host, Steve Harvey!
我是史蒂夫哈维 我真的很不想来这里
I'm Steve Harvey, and I really really hate being here.
要命 这史蒂夫哈维可真像
Damn. That's a good Steve Harvey.
跟我们说说 温德尔 你是从事什么职业的?
Tell us, Wendell, what do you do for a living?
这个嘛 哈维先生 我是个掏粪工 就是说我…
Well, Mr. Harvey, I'm a shit-picker. That means I--
你说得够多了
That's enough out of you.
异形先生 你这脓包泡可真不错呀
Mr. Mutant, that's a nice pus bubble.
长了有多久了?
How long you had it?
叭叭叭!
Brah brah brah!
我们他妈还是开始问答吧
You know what? Let's just start the fucking feud.
我们问了100个人“你为退休存了多少钱? ”
We asked 100 people, how much have you saved for retirement?
三枚蘸屎的一分硬币
Three shit-covered pennies.
唔! 这答案好 爹! 答得好! - 好哇
Ooh! Good answer, Daddy. Good answer! - Huzzah.
看看有没有“三枚蘸屎的一分硬币”
Show me three shit-covered pennies.
在这里 - 你三振出局了
Here they are. - That's three strikes,
你这恶心的混账东西
you nasty motherfucker.
天堂镇警局（2018）
Paradise PD
剧集 | 天堂镇警局（2018） | 导航列表