天堂镇警局（2018）

Paradise PD S03E02

Part 1 Dec. 29, 2022, 11:31 a.m.

（早上八点闹铃）
好了该做每个49岁男人早上起来都做的事了
Well, time to start my day like every 49-year-old man does.
看看肯达尔詹娜的Instagram
Checking Kendall Jenner's Instagram.
穿着细高跟戴着洗碗手套刷牙
Brushing her teeth in stilettos and a dish glove.
噢觉悟真够高的呀
Oh, so woke.
穿着红垃圾袋吻一匹马…
Kissing a horse while wearing a red trash bag--
等等这不是马
Wait a minute. That's no horse.
这是克洛伊!
That's Khloé!
该死的别抢镜头啊克洛伊!
God damn it, get out of the shot, Khloé!
诶这又是个啥?
Now, what is this?
一场独享尊贵的音乐节
An exclusive music festival
专为最好骗的千禧一代准备!
for only the most gullible millennials!
说出来根本没人会信的演出阵容：
With a lineup that's literally unbelievable:
约翰列侬!
John Lennon!
迈克尔杰克逊!
Michael Jackson!
贝多芬!
Beethoven!
特别嘉宾是来自《永不结束的故事》的法尔科尔
With special guest Falkor from The NeverEnding Story,
还有贝尔韦代雷先生的数百个克隆
and hundreds of Mr. Belvedere clones,
在这里等着你来打炮!
waiting on you and down to fuck!
哇这些定向广♥告♥真是越来越牛了
Whoa, these targeted ads are getting good.
精彩汇聚于天堂镇
All taking place in Paradise,
在这座布满霉菌老旧时尚风的平房♥里
in a mold-ridden, shabby-chic ranch house
房♥屋主人是兰德尔克劳福德局长
owned by Chief Randall Crawford.
什么? 这什么玩意啊?
What? What is this?
“克劳”欢节到了贱婊们
It's Craw-fest, bitches.
唉什么鬼东西啊?
Well, what the fuck?
你这个节可真差劲大哥
Your festival sucks, man.
吃的没有音乐也没有
There's no food. There's no music.
但我们有的是瓶装水
But there is plenty of bottled water.
以后再谢我好了局长!
You can thank me later, Chief!
咱兄弟来了呢!
There's my boy!
我就知道“克劳”欢节会很屌♥的
I knew Craw-fest would be lit.
杰鲁可不会随随便便拿自己大名打广♥告♥的
Ja Rule don't attach his name to just anything.
说起这个我想到了
That reminds me,
杰鲁牌腹泻塞现已上市
Ja Rule's Diarrhea Corks are available now.
把我脑袋塞进你的屁屁里!
Put my head in your booty!
为什么还来了一队摄制组?
Why is there a camera crew here?
我们在为Netflix拍一部纪录片
We're doing a documentary for Netflix.
我们在为Hulu拍一部质量稍差一点的纪录片
We're doing a slightly worse documentary for Hulu.
好了这到底是谁搞的?
All right, who did this?
整到你了!
Gotcha!
汉考克局长!
Chief Hancock!
难道说这又是一个你整出来的傻♥逼♥恶作剧?
You mean this is another one of your bullshit pranks?
对我拿出了我退休储蓄账户里的全部积蓄 40.1万
Yup! I cleared out my 401K
雇肯达尔詹娜发了我这个假“克劳”欢节的视频
to pay Kendall Jenner to post my fake Craw-fest video.
原来只要给二十五万她什么事都愿意做
Turns out she'll do literally anything for $250,000.
你看看!
Check this out!
对吧?
See?
驾克洛伊上路!
Hi-ho, Khloé. Away!
听着你们别再到处跟着我
Look, y'all gotta stop following me around.
我最后说一次我不是首脑
For the last time, I am not the Kingpin.
你鸡♥巴♥上纹着的“我是大首脑”可不是这么说的
That's not what your "I'm the Kingpin" penis tattoo says.
这我啥时候搞的啊?
When did I get that?
一根大鸡♥巴♥!
One gigantic penis!
好吧既然你们听不进去那么…
Okay, you aren't getting it, so…
我就是大首脑我在此命令你们…
I am the Kingpin, and I order you to…
别再作恶成为对社会有贡献的一份子
stop being evil and become contributing members of society.
嘿做个普通人很棒的!
Hey, being a regular person is great!
我甚至把市长之位还给了凯伦
I even gave the mayorship back to Karen.
瞧瞧我现在多幸福
Look how happy I am.
我过上了正常的生活还有一个美丽的妻子和儿子!
I have a normal life with a beautiful wife and son!
那小鬼真是个大怪胎对吧?
Yo, that kid is a real freak show, huh?
走吧杰瑞我这个美丽的来自上帝的完美礼物
Come on, Jerry, my beautiful, perfect gift from God.
（天堂镇警局）
我的天啊
Jesus Christ.
你♥他♥妈♥到底出了什么事啊局长?
What the fuck happened to you, Chief?
肯达尔詹娜对着我的脸放了个屁害得我得了红眼病
Kendall Jenner farted in my face and gave me pink eye.
好吧这个剧是越来越蠢了对吧?
Well, this show just keeps getting dumber, doesn't it?
又是汉考克整出来的傻♥逼♥恶作剧
It was another one of Hancock's bullshit pranks.
我再也不想见到他那张蠢脸了
I never want to see that stupid face of his again.
这妈了个蛋的到底是个啥鬼东西?
What in the name of Jesus's tap-dancing taint is that?
今年赢得全州“顶级警♥察♥”的奖励
This year's prize for winning Top Cops in the state
是被刻上天堂山留名千古
is being immortalized in Mount Paradise.
钻石城领先得实在太多
Diamond City is so far ahead,
他们已经提前开始刻汉考克的脸了
they're already sculpting Hancock's face.
要我下半辈子一直看着汉考克这傻♥逼♥的肥脸
There is no way I'm gonna spend the rest of my life
是绝对不可能的!
looking at Hancock's fat fucking face!
每年都得在圣诞贺卡上看到他和我妈
It's bad enough that I have to see him and my mom
就已经够糟糕的了
on his Christmas card every year.
（节日快乐! ）
（备注：在她屁♥眼♥里）
我们必须得打败钻石城赢得“顶级警♥察♥”奖
We have got to beat Diamond City and win that Top Cops award.
没错! 是时候让我们干翻那帮钻石城狗♥日♥的♥了
Yes! It's about time we took down those Diamond City dog queefs.
为什么不能叫他们“人日的”?
Why can't they just be queefs?
难道“狗♥日♥的♥”就更糟糕吗?
Like dog queefs are worse?
我开玩笑的被狗日是更糟要糟多了
I'm just kidding. They're worse. They're way worse.
言归正传 “顶级警♥察♥”比赛的规则很简单
Anyway, the rules to the Top Cops competition are simple.
根据罪行的严重程度
Arrests are given a point value
每次逮捕将被给予不同的分数
depending on the severity of the crime.
盗窃罪给多少分?
How many points for theft?
因为霍普森偷了我的Netflix密♥码♥
Because Hopson stole my Netflix password
就为了看自己上“克劳”欢节的纪录片
so he could watch himself in that Craw-fest documentary.
讽刺的是好不容易弄到了这么多水之后
The irony is that after getting all that water,
我已经不口渴了
I wasn't thirsty anymore.
吸了不少根阳物
Sucked a lot of schlongs.
不行不行我们需要的是真正的犯罪
No, no, we need real crimes.
菲兹我相信你原来那个末日军团的成员们
Fitz, I'm sure your old Legion of Doom members
肯定还在到处干坏事对吧?
are still up to no good, right?
这个嘛局长我算是下令让他们改邪归正了
Well, Chief, I sorta ordered them to go straight.
什么? 要是镇上没有犯罪的话
What? How are we supposed to win Top Cops
我们要怎么赢下“顶级警♥察♥”啊?
if there's no crime in town anymore?
反正在餐馆路上是没有犯罪的
Well, there ain't no crime on Restaurant Row
因为那是我巡逻的片儿
'cause that's my patrol beat.
我们干嘛偏要安排队里的胖子去餐馆路巡逻啊?
Why'd we assign the fat guy to patrol Restaurant Row?
因为编剧就喜欢简单的笑话
'Cause the writers like easy jokes.
自从破了第四墙后确实收到了不少这样的评价
There's been a lot of these comments since the fourth wall got broken.
爸与其把精力放在赢得某个莫名其妙的比赛上
Dad, instead of trying to win some competition,
我们的当务之急不是想办法重建城镇
shouldn't we be focused on rebuilding the town
处理核爆♥炸♥产生的变异动物吗?
and dealing with the mutated animals created by the nuclear blast?
我们警局连个屋顶都没有啊!
Our police station doesn't even have a roof!
闭嘴凯文我就喜欢没屋顶的警局
Shut up, Kevin. I like the station better without a roof.
有一只乌鸦熊!
It's a crow-bear!
注意了市民们
Attention, citizens.
我的重建天堂镇计划旗开得胜!
My Rebuild Paradise initiative is off to a great start!
《汉密尔顿》严重过高的票价帮我筹得了五万美金!
Hamilton's grossly overpriced tickets raised $50,000!
对吧子弹? - 没错
Right, Bullet? - That's right.
我十分感激你这么信任我让我来打理这笔钱
I appreciate you trusting me to handle the money.
我很想亲自向大家介绍一些令人激动的投资机会
I'd love to tell you all about some investment opportunities,
但还是让我新结识的生意伙伴来吧
but I'll let my new business partner do the honors.
嗯那笔钱全没了
Yeah, that money gone.
啊? 他开玩笑的!
What? He's kidding!
另外我也想对所有没能在核爆♥炸♥中
I'd also like to welcome all of our citizens
找到避难所的市民们表示欢迎
who weren't able to find shelter during the nuclear blast.
我们异形强烈要求获知杰拉尔德菲兹杰罗的下场
We mutants demand to know what happened to Gerald Fitzgerald,
就是他害得我们变成这样的!
the man who did this to us!
要是我说我赦免了他呢?
What if I said I pardoned him?
这个嘛
I don't know.
我大概会对着你的脸吐酸液?
I'd probably puke acid in your face?
那我就没有赦免他
Oh, then I did not pardon him.
菲兹现在在监狱里! 史上最糟糕的监狱
Fitz is in prison! The worst prison ever.
他被关在阿卡姆疯人院里跟小丑在一起
He's in Arkham Asylum with the Joker.
杰瑞德莱托演的小丑
Jared Leto's Joker.