天堂镇警局（2018）

我刚把镇子重建好 现在又毁了！
I just got the town rebuilt, and it's destroyed again!
你一个警♥察♥ 居然只知道唱《活力四射》？
And the only police work you did was sing "Pump Up The Jam"?!
我告诉你 你被解雇了！还有你那帮白♥痴♥条子
You know what? You're fired! And so are the rest of your idiot cops.
该死！
Oh, shit!
兰德尔 我要生了！
Randall! The baby is coming! Now!
凯伦 我刚还在想 你究竟几时要把话绕回到自己身上
Oh, I was wondering how long it would take to make this about you, Karen.
不要啊！ -不要啊！
No! -Ah, no!
多比 你小子怎么回事？
Dobby, what the hell is the matter with you, boy?
我们可没教你活吞狗狗 大男人和变♥态♥
We didn't raise you to swallow dogs, grown men, and perverts.
罗比 他这都是跟你学的
He learned that from watching you, Robby.
那不一样 我还能挣五美分
Well, that's different. When I do it, I get a nickel.
多比 赶紧给我滚回家去
Dobby, get your little ass to the house.
太好了 一切都解决了 -兰德尔 宝宝！
Well, I'm glad everything got resolved. -Randall! The baby!
好吧 帮你叫辆优步去医院 是吧？
All right, we gotta book you an Uber to the hospital, don't we?
高峰期加价 该死
Ah, surge pricing. Shit.
既然某人把我开除了 咱们还是用优步拼车吧
Well, since someone just fired me, we better make that an UberPool.
你们有人订了优步拼车？
Did one of you fellers order a UberPool?
心理治疗肯定要聊这个
This is coming up in therapy.
作为你的心理治疗师
And as your therapist,
我建议孩子出生时 你最好也在场
I reckon I recommend you attend your child's birth.
你说了算 厄尔医生
You're the doctor, Dr. Earl.
（天堂镇医院）
医生 你感觉如何？
Ugh… H-How are you feeling, Doc?
有点不对劲 我洗澡后又便便了
A little off. I pooped after my shower again.
我是说孩子！
About the baby!
哦！别担心 兰德尔
Oh! Don't worry, Randall.
就像我常说的：“死产的还没死”
Like I always say, "Stillborn is still born."
用力 凯伦
Push, Karen. Push.
瞧瞧他
Oh, look at him.
跟我长得一样
He's got my face.
新生儿的味道 怎么闻都闻不够
Ooh! I just can't get enough of that new baby smell.
（屎事常有）
（海军陆战队 荣誉承诺）
（寻人启事）
兰德尔 我大便拉在桌子上了 你个白♥痴♥！
Randall. I shit on the table, you fucking idiot!
去你♥妈♥的♥ 我要留着他！
Fuck you! I'm keeping him!
我的小♥弟♥弟♥呢？我等不及要见他了
Where's my little baby brother? I can't wait to meet him.
容我介绍家中的最新成员： 凯文克劳福德
Allow me to introduce the newest member of our family, Kevin Crawford.
那是我的名字
Hey. That's my name.
以前是！
Was your name.
我们以前之所以这么叫你 是以为你是个儿子！
We only called you that 'cause we thought you were gonna be a boy.
他是个粑粑头
He's a doody head.
没错！被他说中了 混♥蛋♥！
That's right! He got you, cocksucker!
好吧 他已经骑到我头上了
Okay. He's already asserted dominance over me.
总之 我有东西送给你…凯文
Anyway, I-I brought you something… …Kevin.
那手♥机♥就是破烂儿 阿夫卡
Yeah, that phone is bullshit, AFKAK.
阿夫卡？
AFKAK?
阿夫卡 A-F-K-A-K
AFKAK. A-F-K-A-K.
意思是“以前叫凯文的混♥蛋♥” 跟上点节奏好吗 阿夫卡？
"Asshole formerly known as Kevin." Try to keep up, huh, AFKAK?
兰德尔送了我一部“苹果11”
Randall bought me an iPhone 11.
我已经在约会软件上勾搭了一个热辣妞儿
I already hooked up with a smoking piece of ass on Bumble.
哪个会在约炮时臭臭啊？
Who's gonna get stank on his hang low?
宝宝会在约炮时臭臭呢
Yes, baby's gonna get stank on his hang low.
你就是个小渣渣 是呢 是呢
You're a little fuckboy. Yes, you are.
该吃奶奶咯 小凯文
It's time for a snack, little Kevin.
你从来没给我哺乳过
Hey! You never breastfed me.
我试过 但你老是死盯着我 还总是勃起
I tried, but you made too much eye contact and kept getting erections.
我才没有
I never did that.
你现在就是
Ugh. You're doing it now.
也没什么可惜的 这玩意儿我可喝不下去
You're not missing much. I can't drink this stuff straight.
恶心得要死 但他调得出也够厉害的
This is gross as fuck, but it's still pretty cool that he made it.
我说 阿夫卡 连你也不得不承认 他比你可强太多了
Hey, AFKAK. Even you have to admit he's way better than you are.
那我成了家里第二受宠的儿子了？
So what, I'm the second favorite son now?
不对 是第三
No. Third.
（欢迎来到天堂镇）
跑到镇上充哥斯拉 我要打你屁♥股♥
I'ma whip your little ass for going all goddamn Godzilla on our town.
我们刚买♥♥了快餐 去给我折根树枝
We just got that Quiznos. Go break me off a switch.
这他妈算哪门子树枝？我可举不起来！
What the fuck kinda switch is that? I can't lift that shit!
你知道我在假装残疾 现在回屋去
You know I'm on fake disability. Now, you go to your room.
搞什么？你儿子毁了我们的房♥子！
What the fuck?! Your son crushed our house!
他一干坏事就是我儿子
Oh, he's my son when he does something bad,
人们一夸他老二大 他就成了你儿子了
but when people compliment his abnormally large penis, he's your son.
这倒好 我们上哪儿另找个破烂地方住？
Oh, great. Where we gonna find a new shithole to live in, huh?
呆伯特 你是不是跟我想到一块儿去了？
Hey, Delbert, are you, uh, thinking what I'm thinking?
念个技校 找份正经工作
We should go to trade school, get real jobs,
攒够首♥付♥在郊区买♥♥栋好房♥子
save up for a down payment on a nice home in the suburbs,
工匠小屋或者都铎复兴式？
maybe a Craftsman Bungalow or a Tudor Revival?
我想说爬上咱儿子屁♥眼♥儿 住在里面
I was gonna say climb up our son's asshole and live inside him.
你的主意比较好
Yeah. Your idea is better.
凯伦 你以为炒了我们鱿鱼 我们就会哭哭啼啼
Hey, Karen. Guess you thought we'd be upset because you fired us,
然而没有 因为警队变成派对达人了
but we're not, because the PD now stands for Party Dudes,
这里现在改名叫“爷们儿窝”
and this station is now called The Brozone Lair.
没事玩玩棋盘游戏 吃吃阳光薯片…
We're all gonna be playing board games and-- and eating Sun Chips and, uh…
凯伦 求你把工作还给我吧！
God, Karen! Please, give me my job back!
（派对达人）
早啊！阿夫卡 你干嘛呢？
Morning! What you doing, AFKAK?
我联络了全州所有的搏击俱乐部和减肥训练营
I've called every fight club and fat camp in the state.
他们都说没见过吉娜
None of them have seen Gina.
我看上去像在乎这事儿吗？
Does it look like I give a goddamn?
天啊 达斯提 你以前那么好一个人
Jesus, Dusty! You used to be so nice.
什么时候变成混♥蛋♥了？
When did you become an asshole?
这叫人设发展 你抽空也试试
It's called character development. You should try it sometime.
我就试试忘记吉娜失踪
I'm just gonna try to forget that Gina is missing
我那人♥渣♥弟弟抢了我的名字
and that my bullshit baby brother stole my name.
早上好 爷们儿们
Morning, Brozone-ites.
首先 让我们以片刻静默 纪念子弹和菲兹
First off, a moment of silence in remembrance of Bullet and Fitz.
那霍普森呢？
What about Hopson?
我没忘记霍普森
Oh, I didn't forget Hopson.
我也提议为警队默哀片刻
I'd also like to call for a moment of silence for the police force.
好诡异 没了我们 镇子好像更安宁了
It's weird. The town seems better off without us.
是啊 咱们工作干得太烂了
Yeah, well, we did a shitty job.
警局玩儿完 至少不用闻流浪警♥察♥的臭味了
The PD is over. But at least we don't have to smell Hobo-Cop anymore.
嘿 我可是粉丝最爱
Hey! I'm a f-- a fan favorite.
等等 凯伦让你继续当警♥察♥？
Wait, Karen let you remain a cop?
没错 她说不能开除流浪警♥察♥
Yep. She said she couldn't fire Hobo-Cop.
她大概是喜欢这名字
I guess she likes the name.
她说这是这节目有史以来最机灵的笑话
She says it's the most clever joke this show's ever made.
切 去他♥娘♥的♥警♥察♥！爷们儿窝禁止条子入内！
Well, fuck the police. We're banning cops from the Brozone!
吃亏的是你！
Well-- well, your loss!
没有我接你的梗 我看你演不演得下去！
Good luck having a scene without a z-zinger from me!
嘿 阿夫卡 上易趣把这些警♥察♥的东西卖♥♥了
Hey, AFKAK. Go sell all this police stuff on eBay.
下次再有人跟我玩躲猫猫
Next time somebody tries that peekaboo bullshit on me,
老子就会接招了
I'll be fucking ready.
你不能持枪
You can't have a gun!
别担心 老爸已经教会他用了
Don't worry. Daddy taught him how to use it.
没错 果然是老爸教出来的 神准
Yep. Just like Daddy taught him. He's a crack shot.
父子猎鹿比赛 我们准能赢
We're gonna win that father-son deer-hunting competition.
你要带他参赛？那可是咱俩每年唯一一起做的事
You're taking him? But that's the one thing we do together every year.
我当然要带他去
Of course I'm taking him.
你不喜欢打猎 我不喜欢和你相处
You're against hunting. And I'm against spending time with you.
兰德尔说等我们赢了 我就是他最疼的儿子
Randall says, when we win this competition, I'll be his favorite son,
就当你已经挂了
and you'll be dead to him.
比赛肯定吓得你妹妹暴口子
Bet those stakes really chap your vagina, AFKAK.
我要是下面长个妹妹 那肯定也是我舔裂的
Uh, if I had a vagina, it would be chapped, because I'd lick it all the time.
好吧 看来阿夫卡得确保
Well, I guess it's up to AFKAK to make sure that
小凯文赢不了比赛
baby Kevin doesn't win that competition.
用古老野兽男孩的破坏术！
Using the ancient Beastie Boys art of sabotagey!
太好笑了
That was hilarious!
你们这些混♥蛋♥
You fucking assholes.
（天堂镇动物救助站）
你好 先生
Hello, sir.
我来更换上周领走的这25只有缺陷的小猫
I would like to exchange these 25 defective kitty cats I got here last week.
它们没有九条命 只有一条
Turns out they ain't got nine lives. They only got one.
你一周内杀了25只猫？