天堂镇警局（2018）

Fuck off!
好嘞 真是个肥仔幸运夜啊 是吧?
All right. Luck be a lardy tonight, huh?
达斯提人呢?
Where's Dusty?
达斯提 你这是在干嘛? 你不是说赌博是不道德的么?
Dusty, what are you doing? I thought you said gambling was sinful.
如果我把把都赢 就不能算赌博了 是吧?
It ain't gambling if I never lose, is it?
而且 我搞明白你在耍什么把戏了
And I figured out what you was doin'!
你一直在骗我替你赌博!
You was trickin' me into gambling for you!
请你带上你毛茸茸的屁♥股♥滚出去 因为我要为自己赢钱了
Kindly get your fuzzy fuckin' ass outta here, because I am winnin' for me.
在这儿人们称我为“巨鲸”
Round here they call me a whale.
在哪儿人们都称你为“巨鲸”
Round everywhere they call you a whale.
好了 受够了!
Oh! All right, that's it!
喂 你个肥仔!
Hey, you, lard-ass!
我给你5000块现金
I'll give you $5,000 cash
你把这只小狗塞到你两乳之间 给他来个“松露乳摇”
to stick this doggy between your titties and do the Truffle Shuffle.
噢 天呐 住手! 呕 闻起来像是被水泡坏了似的!
Oh God, stop! Oh, it smells like water damage!
多谢了 罗素克劳!
Thanks, Russell Crowe!
把这个男人抓起来!
Arrest that man!
罗素克劳就是自助餐大盗!
Russell Crowe is the Buffet Bandit!
多谢了 凯伦 达斯提简直是个疯子!
Thanks, Karen. Dusty's a goddamn maniac!
那个混♥蛋♥赢了有差不多五十万了
That asshole's up like a half a million bucks.
什么? 要是他变现的话 赌场会破产的
What? If he cashes out, the casino will go bankrupt.
必须得想办法让他输钱!
We've gotta make him lose!
我还以为你会打断他所有手指 或者活埋到沙漠里去呢
I was hoping you'd break his fingers or bury him in the desert,
不过让他输钱也是可行的
but we could do the lose thing, that's fine.
不好! 被罗素克劳给跑了!
Oh no! Russell Crowe's gotten loose!
比恩斯!
Beans! Beans! Beans!
请热烈欢迎人类史上最伟大的表演艺术家…
Please welcome the greatest performer in the history of mankind…
比恩斯臭水!
Beans Stinkwater!
布法罗女孩 请你们今晚出来玩吧
♪ Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight ♪
今晚出来玩吧 今晚出来玩吧
♪ Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪
布法罗女孩 请你们今晚出来玩吧
♪ Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight ♪
让我们一起在月光下跳舞
♪ And we'll dance by the light of the moon! ♪
大家好呀! 看看我的新iPhone!
Hey, y'all! Check out my new iPhone!
谐音“eye phone”, 眼球和手♥机♥
谐音“eye pad”, 眼球和卫生巾
喔 你们肯定会喜欢我的iPad的!
Oh, you're gonna love my iPad!
快看…
Look…
我这是斗“鸡”眼!
I'm cock-eyed!
咱观众里有拉丁裔没?
We got any Latino people in the audience?
哎呀呀!
Aye-aye-aye!
谐音“eye eye eye”
但我可不是一个种族主义者哦!
But I'm no racist.
我最要好的朋友是个“中国佬”!
My best friend is a China-man!
谐音“瓷器人”
局长! 有个异形想杀我!
Chief! A mutant tried to kill me!
你见到他没? 他看起来像是脸都要融化了似的
Did you see him? He looked like his face was melting off.
放松点 小豆豆 你还有第二场表演要做呢
Hey, relax, Bean-o. You've still got the second show to do.
而且啊 异形想杀的就只有菲兹而已
Besides, the mutants are only trying to kill Fitz,
他也是活该
who deserves it, by the way.
局长 我就是菲兹!
Chief, I am Fitz!
这是对我非裔美国人朋友菲兹的恶意模仿
Now that is a really offensive imitation of my African-American friend Fitz.
喂 专心搞你的道具喜剧 明白吗 比恩斯?
Hey, stick to prop comedy, Beans, huh?
那只郊狼都比你模仿得像
Huh. That coyote does a better Fitz impression.
我们常拿郊狼装扮成人类接管全社会开玩笑
We joke about coyotes dressing like humans and taking over society,
但这可不是玩笑
but it's no joke.
小心下个就是你 混账东西
We're coming for you, motherfuckers.
（郊狼菲兹名言）
达斯提?
Dusty?
是我 我给达斯提的食物下了药 这样我就能把他当成胖子服穿了
It's me. I drugged Dusty's food so I could wear him like a fat suit
然后我们就能打炮了 聪明吧?
while we pork, huh? Huh?
天呐 凯文!
Jesus, Kevin!
这也太浪漫了! 上我吧
That is so romantic! Take me.
噢 他们这边有那部电影啊
Oh, they have that movie
大撒币约翰尼德普在里面演一个非常冒犯的印第安人呢
where that twat nugget Johnny Depp was a highly offensive Indian.
我好喜欢哦
I love that.
211号♥房♥间干净了 谁他妈在乎啊?
Room 211 is clean. Who gives a goddamn?
你确定这样能让达斯提输钱么?
Are you sure this will make Dusty lose?
相信我 这匹马是绝对赢不了的
Trust me. There is no way this horse can win.
我给它取了个达斯提保证会押的名字
And I gave it a name that guarantees Dusty'll bet on it.
全押在油炸能多益辣椒炖肉酱薯条配冰淇淋上
Put everything on Deep Fried Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode to win!
好嘞 伙计们 准备好输掉整场比赛了没?
Okay, fellas. We ready to lose this race?
嗯 但下一回我要在前面
Yeah, but next time I wanna be the front.
反正俺没意见 俺可喜欢闻你屁♥股♥了
Well, that's fine with me. I like smelling your ass.
油炸能多益辣椒炖肉酱薯条配冰淇淋自动胜出!
And the winner by default is Deep Fried Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode!
他妈的怎么回事啊?
What the fuck happened?
呃…有可能是因为我们在马棚里搞的赛前热身
Uh… it might be because we did a little pregaming in the stable.
我能闻到我的心 - 嗯 这是正常的 哥们
I can smell my heart. - Yeah, that's normal, man.
谢谢能帮我赚了这么多钱 油炸能多益辣椒炖肉酱薯条配冰淇淋
Thanks for making me all that money, Deep Fried Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode.
你真是匹很特别的马
You are one special horse.
没错 俺是的 但俺很想知道 你咋就这么走运呢 达斯提?
Yes, I am. But I gotta know, how you so damn lucky, Dusty?
这个嘛 会说话的小马先生 我有个秘密
Well, Mr. Talking Horsey, I've got a secret.
那就是我的幸运内♥裤♥ 我从来不脱
It's my lucky underwear. I never take 'em off.
噢 俺明白了 之所以幸运是因为它是绿色的
Oh, I get it. They're lucky 'cause they're green.
不 买♥♥来的时候是白色的
They were white when I bought 'em.
呃 俺有点后悔跟你一起泡澡了
Yeah, I'm regrettin' gettin' in here with you.
唉 俺在这里面呆了这么久 俺的蹄都开始有点皱起来了
Man, I've been in here so long, my hooves are starting to get prune-y.
对不对呀 呆伯特?
Ain't that right, Delbert?
噢 糟糕了! 呆伯特!
Oh shit! Delbert!
好嘞 需要我们二人合力
Okay, it's gonna take both of us
才能把这头豪赌河马的神奇内♥裤♥给扒下来
to strip the magic drawers off this high-rollin' hippo.
我感觉我的互助人预言过这一幕
I feel like my sponsor predicted this.
加油 - 就差一点了
Come on. - Almost there.
喂? 嘿 戈登! 我正巧聊到你呢
Hello? Hey, Gordon! I was just talking about you.
记不记得你说过如果我继续赌博的话
Remember when you said I'd end up stripping the shit-kicked underwear
最后肯定会落得个扒沾屎内♥裤♥的下场
off a fat guy if I kept gambling?
是啊 真是意想不到 我欠你一百块了
Well, yeah, I'll be damned. I owe you a hundred bucks!
你这个小混球!
You little asshole!
嘿 你看! 被你脱下来了!
Hey, look! You loosened 'em up!
噢 谢天谢地
Oh, thank God.
好了 我们要赶在它落入坏人手中前把这条邪恶的内♥裤♥给烧了!
Now, let's burn those evil undies before they fall into the wrong hands!
太晚了
They already have.
你被出♥卖♥♥♥了!
Double-cross!
抱歉 凯伦 我得靠这条神奇内♥裤♥把钱赢回来才行
Sorry, Karen, I gotta steal these magic undies and win my money back.
狗改不了吃屎! 你懂的 伙计
Scumbags gonna scumbag! You know, dawg.
子弹! 你这条六个奶头的狗♥娘♥养♥的!
Bullet! You six-nippled son of a bitch!
你又在搞什么啊?
What the hell are you doing?
心肺复苏啊 俺已经给他口对鸡两小时了
CPR. I've been giving him mouth-to-dick for two hours.
别告诉他我没死
Don't tell him I ain't dead.
别告诉他俺知道他没死
Don't tell him I know he ain't dead.
比恩斯 你应该上台了呀
Beans, you're supposed to be on stage.
局长 你也看到刚才那场演出了
Chief, you saw the last show.
有个脸融化了的异形想要杀了我!
Some melted-face mutant tried to kill me!
我只看到了一场我所见过最伟大的喜剧表演
All I saw was the greatest comedic performance I've ever seen.
有一回卡洛斯曼西亚还射了我一鞋子呢
And once, Carlos Mencia came all over my shoes.
什么? 那可是我的招牌笑话!
Ra-ha! What? That's my bit!
好了 赶快上台去!
Now get on that stage!
好吧 栽到你手上了
Okay, you got me.
放马过来吧 你这个混账异形!
Do your worst, you mutant motherfucker!
异形?
Mutant?
胡萝卜头?
Carrot Top?
没错 比恩斯臭水
That's right, Beans Stinkwater.
正是我 史上最伟大的道具笑匠
It's me, the greatest prop comic of all time.
我要杀掉任何胆敢挑战我王座的人!
And I murder anyone who dares to challenge my throne!
可我不是一个道具笑匠啊!
But I am not a prop comic!
胡说! 我看了你的表演 简直棒极了!
Bullshit! I saw your show. It was brilliant!
尤其是“哎呀呀”那个笑话 简直惊世骇俗
Especially that "eye-eye-eye" bit. Transcendent.
说真的 非常聪明的喜剧
Seriously, very smart comedy.
可是啊 世上只容得下一个伟大的道具笑匠…
However, there can only be one great prop comic,
就是我!
me.
好吧 那加拉格尔怎么说?
Okay, but what about Gallagher?
就是拿大锤子砸西瓜的那个拿“狂人♥大♥锤”的家伙
You know, the Sledge-O-Matic guy with a giant hammer that smashes watermelons?
他也是个道具笑匠啊
He's a prop comic too.
你这个笨蛋!
You fool!