天堂镇警局（2018）

For as long as I can remember,
从我能记事起
I've wanted to be a cop just like my dad.
我就一直想和我爸爸一样做一名警♥察♥
If you move one goddamn inch,
如果你敢再动一下
I am gonna shove my boot so far up your ass...
我就把我的靴子塞进你的屁♥眼♥
...you'll be shittin' shoelaces for a cock-suckin' month,
让你拉出鞋带屎给吮屌♥的吃
you green, shit-sniffin' asshole!
你这个吃屎的绿色混♥蛋♥
Kevin! Where did you hear that language?
凯文 你这话是哪里学的
My dad was my hero and I was his little rookie,
我爸爸是我的英雄 我就是他的小跟班
but everything changed that fateful day.
但是在那命定之日 一切都变了
Wait. Where's Kevin?
等等 凯文在哪里
He's taking a nap. Let's you and me get weird.
他在午睡 让我们俩羞羞
Dad, look! I'm a real cop, just like you.
爸爸 我是个真正的警♥察♥ 就像你一样
My nut! You shot me in my nut!
我的蛋蛋 你打中了我的蛋蛋
Dad, are you okay?
爸爸 你没事吧
Fuck, no, Kevin! No, I'm not okay!
操 凯文 不 我有事
Sorry, Dad. I'll put the safety on.
抱歉 爸爸 我来上保险
My other nut!
我另一个蛋蛋
That's not thexa0safety, that's the trigger you little asshole!
那不是保险 那是扳机 你这个小混♥蛋♥
Oh my God.
天啊
Officer down?
警官受伤
Good morning. How's my favorite dad?
早上好 我最喜欢的爸爸今天怎么样
Kevin, I'm a divorced guy with no balls
凯文 我是个没有蛋蛋的离婚男子
who has to wear a testosterone
只能靠睾酮贴
patch to keep his mustache from falling out.
才能维持我的胡子不掉下来
So I'm shitting rainbows. Yay! That's great, Dad.
所以我爽的不行 太棒了 爸爸
Say, do you still have that open position on the force?
你的警队里还缺人吗
What do you think? No one wants to be a cop anymore.
你以为呢 没人想当警♥察♥了
Hello! What about me? I have told you a thousand times.
我呢 我和你说了一千次
I will never trust you to be a cop after what you did to me.
你对我做了那种事 我绝对不会让你当警♥察♥
I was having a pretty great life
在你杀害我的小宝贝们前
before you murdered my squirters.
我过着多么完美的生活
Dad, I was a kid.xa0I'm 18 now.
爸爸 我当时只是个孩子 我都18岁了
Look, Kevin, I still love you. It's just--
凯文 我还是爱你的 只是...
You got an A in metal shop.
你在金属车间得了A
I'm sure you could earn a good living making pipe bombs
你肯定能靠制♥造♥管状炸♥弹♥或者什么玩意
or whatever the fuck they do.
过上好日子
Bombs are boring! Boring?
炸♥弹♥好无聊 无聊
You know what's "Boring"?
你知道什么叫无聊吗
Making love to a middle-aged man
跟一个没有蛋蛋
with no testicles and a floppy ding-dong!
鸡鸡软软的中年男人做♥爱♥
Why do you think your mom left me?
不然你觉得你妈妈为什么离开了我
She said it was because you are a stubborn, sexist,
她说是因为你是个固执 性别歧视的混♥蛋♥
piece of shit asshole that can never admit when he's wrong.
永远不会承认自己做错了
That's ridiculous.xa0
这太荒谬了
She'd never leave me over anything that trivial.
她不会因为这么无聊的事离开我的
She obviously left because she missed my balls so much.
她离开我显然是因为太想念我的蛋蛋
Well, who could blame her? They were nearly perfect.
谁能怪她呢 本来它们是多么完美
Smooth and hairless. Your mom couldn't get enough of 'em.
光滑无毛 你妈妈爱不释手
I'd drop 'em down on her eyes,
我会挂到她的眼前
and she'd pretend to be the Hamburglar.
她会假装自己是汉堡神偷[麦当劳角色]
It's sweet moments like that that I miss so much.
我多么怀念那样的美好时光
You should've seen it, Kevin.
你真该看看 凯文
She'd put on the black hat and go, "Rabble, rabble!"
她会戴上黑色的帽子说"气气 气气"
"Rabble, rabble!"
"气气 气气"
Morning, sexy.
早上好 帅哥
Now, Gina, you know this restraining order I have on you,
吉娜 你知道我有你的限制令
it specifically covers not honking my bitch tits.
上面明确说明你不准偷袭我的咪♥咪♥
Does it cover this?
那还包括这个吗
Yes. "Foghorn-ing my peter," Article seven, paragraph two.
没错 "拉我的小♥弟♥弟♥" 第七章第二条
Good morning, officers. Let's get started.
早上好 警官们 开始吧
Where's Bullet?
子弹在哪里
Sorry, Chief, I was just in the evidence room doing... inventory.
抱歉 局长 我在证物处...做清查
Goddamn! I love inventory!
天啊 我真爱清查
Oh, inventory, huh?
清查
What's that white powder all over your snout?
你鼻子上的白色粉末是什么东西
How am I supposed to sniff out cocaine
如果我不知道可♥卡♥因♥的味道
if I don't know what it smells like?
那还怎么能嗅出来
Good point. Moving on.
有道理 继续吧
Chief, first of all, namaste.
局长 首先 合十礼
Second, when am I going to get my motherfucking flak jacket?
其次 我什么时候才能拿到我该死的防弹衣
Never! We're broke, Fitzgerald.
不可能了 我们破产了 菲茨杰拉尔德
We only have 12 bullets to last us to the end of the month.
我们到月底之前只能使用12颗子弹
We can't even afford Hopson's pension so he can retire.
我们都付不起霍普森的养老金让他退休了
Hopson!
霍普森
In 1941 I was the prettiest girl in school.
1941年 我是学校里最漂亮的女孩
I won the 4-H beauty pageant
我赢得了4H选美大赛
and made finger-love to Mickey Rooney.
和米基·鲁尼指交
You don't need a flak jacket, Fitzgerald. You don't get shot at.
你不用防弹衣 菲茨杰拉尔德 你不会中枪
You're afraid to leave your police car.
你都不敢下警车
It's my PTSD, Chief.
是我的创伤性应急综合征 警长
You know I was a cop in Chicago. Some dark shit happened.
你知道我在芝加哥当警♥察♥时发生过一些黑暗的事
But I deal with stressful situations
但是我会通过在冥想中
by chanting my mantra during transcendental meditation.
诵读我的咒语来应对压力
Fitzgerald, help!
菲茨杰拉尔德 救命
All right. Any of you other idiots
好了 你们其他几个笨蛋
manage to do any police work yesterday?
昨天有干什么警务工作吗
I pulled over a suspicious lookin' colored fella.
我逼停了一个看上去很可疑的有色人种
Third time this week.
这周第三次了
The only thing doing any real work here is Dusty's insulin pump.
唯一一个干过实事的家伙是达斯廷的胰岛素泵
I do real police work, okay. I busted my 99th criminal yesterday.
我♥干♥了实事 我昨天抓到了我第99名罪犯
You keep track of your arrests? I don't just "Keep track."
你还会记录你逮捕的人 我不仅是记录
I scrapbook that shit.
我会做剪贴本
I'll never forget my first arrest. He was a litterbug.
我永远不会忘记我第一次逮捕 他是个垃圾
This photo captures the exact moment
这张照片刚好记录下
when 50,000 volts turned his spine into dust!
五万福特把他的脊椎骨烧成灰的时刻
He doesn't litter anymore because he can't hold things.
他再也不是垃圾了 因为他拿不住东西了
Gina, did you ever go see that shrink about your "Anger issues"?
吉娜 你有没有找心理医生看过你的愤怒问题
This one. Turns out he had an unpaid parking ticket.
这个人 原来他有一张违章停车罚单没付
Piece of fucking shit.
操蛋的混♥蛋♥
Goddamn it. This is why everybody hates us.
该死 所以大家才恨我们
Maybe PR would improve if we didn't have to walk around
如果我们不用戴着一个皱屁♥眼♥子到处走的话
with a puckering butt-hole patch.
也许公共关系会好点
"Puckering butt-hole"?
"皱屁♥眼♥子"
That happens to be a sunset
那是我自己
that I designed myself in Microsoft Paint!
在画板里设计的日落
Personally, I like the butt-hole. It intimidates the citizens.
就我而言 我喜欢这屁♥眼♥子 能镇住市民
I mean, if anything, we should add a billy club
如果要加东西的话
being rammed right into it.
我们应该加个警棍进去
Yeah, Gina,
知道了 吉娜
I saw you put that in the suggestion box.
我看到你把这个意见放进意见箱了
The point is, nobody wants to work here.
问题是 没人想在这里工作
Except for me.
除了我
Kevin, what the hell are you doing in that uniform?
凯文 你穿着警服干什么
I'm officially a cop! Mom hired me! Ha-ha!
我正式成为一名警♥察♥了 妈雇了我
Mayors can do that.
市长可以这么做
Funny story, I divorced this sexist, piece of shit asshole
给大家讲个有趣的故事 我和这个性感的
who said a woman could never get elected mayor.
认为女人是不能当选为市长的混♥蛋♥离婚了
You ran against a pig in a t-shirt,
你和一只穿着T恤的猪竞选
who won the popular vote, by the way.
顺便说一下 它赢得了普选
Karen, I do not want this sack sniper working here.
凯伦 我不想让这废物在这工作
It doesn't matter what you want. This'll be good for Kevin.
你怎么想不重要 这对凯文有好处
Yeah, I've been dreaming of proudly wearing this
是的 我这辈子一直梦想能骄傲地穿上
puckering butt-hole my entire life.
这皱屁♥眼♥子制♥服♥
It's a sunset.
那是日落
And face it, he's the only cop you can afford.
面对现实吧 他是你唯一雇得起的警♥察♥了
Well, that's your fault, Mr. Mayor, the whole town is broke.
那是你的错 市长大人 整座城市都破产了
Trust me, I've been looking for money everywhere I can.
相信我 我一直在到处找钱
Oh, Lambie-pie, are you almost done?
咩咩宝贝 你差不多好了吗
I'm running on fumes in the Tesla.
我开特斯拉开得好累
This is the man I've been seeing, Dr. Dinkle. He's a dentist.
这是我的男朋友 町洋医生 他是个牙医