天堂镇警局（2018）

（6个月前 达斯提马洛被判为冰♥毒♥首脑）
（被判在一间女子监狱）
（服刑）
（天堂镇女子监狱）
嘿 格兰达
Hey, Glenda!
女孩 你的胸部看起来很漂亮啊
You got some swole-lookin' pecs there, girl.
马洛 有人来看你了
Marlowe, you got a visitor.
哦 天啊 达斯提 我太想你了
Oh, God, Dusty! I've missed you so much.
吉娜 请不要把你裸♥露♥的屁♥眼♥压在玻璃上
Gina, please don't press your bare b-hole to the glass.
它看起来像一条饥饿的吸盘鱼
It looks like a hungry suckerfish.
哦 就这样 我要带你出去
Oh, that's it! I'm busting you out of here.
吉娜 我告诉过你 我不想离开 因为…
Gina, I told you, I don't want to leave because...
我喜欢这个女子监狱
♪ I love it in this women's penitentiary ♪
幸运的是我被判了一个世纪
♪ Lucky I got sentenced to a century ♪
这就像一个永无止境的睡衣派对
♪ It's like a slumber party that never ends ♪
你称她们为没有灵魂的暴♥力♥罪犯 我称她们为最好朋友
♪ You call 'em soulless, violent felons I call 'em best friends ♪
我称她们为最好的朋友
♪ I call 'em best friends ♪
我的狱友总是戏弄我 她最喜欢的是拿匕♥首♥戳我
♪ My cellmate's always prankin' me Her favorite one is shankin' me ♪
愚蠢的唐娜库珀把拖把塞进了我的屁♥眼♥
♪ And silly Donna Cooper stuck a mopstick up my pooper ♪
感谢天啊 我有藏着的新玩意儿
♪ Thank god for my buried dingus ♪
这就像是4H营地 加上舐阴
♪ It's like 4-H camp, plus cunnilingus! ♪
我太感激了 我和我最好的朋友们
♪ I'm so thankful that I got a century ♪
要在这个女子监狱度过一个世纪
♪ With my besties in this women's penitentiary ♪
你们这群臭小子
Y'all a bunch of stinkers.
嗯 喜欢这首歌♥
Mmm, love the song.
现在你能直接对着电♥话♥哼吗？
Now, can you hum it directly into the phone?
啊 没门 吉娜
Ugh! No way, Gina!
哦 天哪
Oh, God!
这够我撑到午饭时间了
Well, that'll get me to lunch.
听着 你是无辜的 你不应该在这里
You're innocent, you shouldn't be in here.
这都是愚蠢凯文的错
This is all that twatwaffle Kevin's fault.
我需要你 我要把你救出来
I need you, and I am busting you out.
你每天都没能把我救出去
You've failed to bust me out of here every day,
你的计划变得越来越像郊狼了
and your schemes are becoming more and more Wile E. Coyote-like.
哦 别傻了 达斯提
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Dusty.
（操）
（警♥察♥ 保护和服务）
欢迎来到天堂镇
Welcome to Paradise.
曾经是地球上愤怒的、噘起嘴的混♥蛋♥
Once the angry, puckered asshole of planet Earth,
现在它已经变成了美国心脏地带的宝石
it has been transformed into the jewel of America's Heartland.
参观天堂镇动物园 不用害怕被大猩猩
Visit the Paradise Zoo without fear of being raped by a gorilla.
或者动物园管♥理♥员♥戴夫强♥奸♥
Or zookeeper Dave.
害怕乡巴佬？别担心
Afraid of hillbillies? Don't worry.
即使是最糟糕的公民现在也在为社会做出贡献
Even the worst citizens are now contributing members of society.
我们以前是暴♥力♥瘾君子
We used to be violent crackheads.
现在是科学家
Now we're scientists,
多亏在垃圾箱里找到这些实验室外套
thanks to these lab coats we found in the dumpster.
然后我们把我们的基因撸进这个测试管加以整合
Then we combined our DNA by jacking off into this test tube.
它制出了一个新的最好的朋友 见见多比
It made a new best friend. Meet Dobby!
多比
Dobby!
多比的爱好包括咬掉小动物的头
Dobby's hobbies include biting the heads off small animals
吃水槽排水管里的阴毛
and eating pubic hair out the sink drain.
好吧
Okay!
但是参观天堂镇的最好理由…
But the best reason to visit Paradise,
见见我们著名的英雄警♥察♥凯文克劳福德
to meet our famous hero cop, Kevin Crawford...
啊 这个永远不会过时
Ah, it never gets old.
谁干掉了有史以来最危险的犯罪策划者
...who took down the most dangerous criminal mastermind of all time,
菱形纹冰♥毒♥首脑达斯提马洛
Dusty Marlowe, the Argyle Meth Kingpin!
看看它是如何在这次娱乐中发生的
See exactly how it happened in this recreation
为了省钱 我们在日本制♥作♥了动画
we got animated in Japan to save money.
我太邪恶了
I'm so evil,
我的下一步就是摧毁迪斯尼乐园、耶稣和纳斯卡
my next step is to destroy Disneyland, Jesus and Nascar!
除非我阻止你
Not if I stop you.
住手
Stop this!
轮到我了
My turn.
看我的啊哈
Ka me ha me ha!
这就是凯文成名的原因
And that's how Kevin became famous.
当你参观天堂镇的时候亲自去见见他
Meet him in person when you visit Paradise,
美国不生气、不皱的混♥蛋♥般的珠宝
America's non-angry, non-puckered-asshole-like jewel.
如你所见
As you can see,
多亏了我的英雄儿子
thanks to my hero son,
旅游业发展起来了 镇上现金充裕
tourism is up, the town is flushed with cash...
我的连任指日可待
...and my re-election is in the bag.
现在 你要见的人
Now, the man you're here to see,
凯文克劳福特
Kevin Crawford!
我在此授予我的英雄儿子勇敢勋章
I hereby award my hero son the medal of bravery
因为他在月经周期间出现在《观点》上
for appearing on The View during Period Week.
但是我接下来要把他干掉
But I'm taking him out next.
我 首脑
Me! The Kingpin!
你有地方放凯文和费兹死党奖章吗？
You got room for a Kevin and Fitz BFF medal?
我当然有 伙计
Of course I do, buddy.
杰拉尔德·费兹杰拉德是另一个天堂镇成功的故事
Gerald Fitzgerald is another Paradise success story.
他开创了自己的事业 成为天堂里最富有的人
He started his own business and became the richest person in Paradise!
抱歉 前首富卡马罗鲍勃
Sorry, former richest person Camaro Bob.
嗯 宝贝 我还有最洗得像石头一样的牛仔裤
Well, I still got the most stone-washed jeans, baby.
杰拉尔德通过开了好几家得意点摊位做到了这一点
And Gerald did it by opening a chain of Dippin' Dots stands.
流浪汉为你服务 让我的头顶保持低位
Served to you by hobos to keep my overhead low.
一个带糖屑的疯狂饼干面团
One Crazy Cookie Dough with sprinkles.
再见 斯普林克斯 我会想你的
Goodbye, Sprinkles. I'll miss you.
别担心 他住在我屁♥股♥里
Don't worry, he lived in my ass.
费兹 我们都一起走了这么远
We've both come so far, Fitz.
我有生以来第一次我的父母真的喜欢我
For the first time in my life, my parents actually like me.
但是在我所有的奖牌中 你的对我来说意义最大
But out of all my medals, yours means the most to me.
甚至比我的最大声自♥慰♥手的奖牌还要大
Even more than my medal for loudest masturbator.
我像爱兄弟一样爱你
I love you like a brother.
我讨厌那个混♥蛋♥
I hate that motherfucker!
嗯 我也是 老板 让我们杀了他
Me too, boss. Let's kill him.
我们不能杀他 斯特
We can't kill him, Thester.
这个白♥痴♥增加了旅游业
The idiot has spiked tourism
这让我在得意点销♥售♥中发了大财
which is making me a fortune in Dippin' Dots sales.
天啊 斯特 你真♥他♥妈♥愚蠢
God, Thester! You're so bloody stupid!
下令吧 老板
Just say the word, boss!
如果你要成为我的第二号♥人物
If you're going to be my number two,
你必须停止每次犯错误都自杀
you got to stop offering to kill yourself every time you make a mistake.
没错 那么 你在这些得意点背后的邪恶计划是什么？
Right. So, what's your evil scheme behind these Dippin' Dots?
听着 白♥痴♥
Listen, idiot.
我们现在赚的钱比用菱形纹冰♥毒♥赚的还多
We're making more money now than we did with argyle meth.
只要每个人都认为达斯提是首脑
As long as everyone thinks Dusty's the Kingpin,
我们就没事了
we're in the clear.
镇上唯一知道达斯提是无辜的人是达斯提
And the only person in town who knows that Dusty is innocent is Dusty.
嗯 我应该去拜访他一下
I should pay him a little visit.
或者 我可以毒死他
Or I could poison him!
我们要陷害毒药乐队的布莱特迈可斯
Oh! We'll frame Bret Michaels of the band Poison!
想象一下新闻头条
Oh, imagine that headline, eh?
“在Netflix节目中引用了不相关的摇滚乐手”
"Irrelevant Rocker Referenced In Netflix Show."
凯文
Kevin!
“给比利的来信 我希望你的蛇伤痊愈
"To Billy, I hope your snake AIDS clears up.
爱你 凯文克劳福德”
Love, Kevin Crawford."
我真的需要新的宣传照片
I really gotta get new publicity photos.
我能为你做什么 儿子？ 英雄背部按♥摩♥？
What can I get you, son? Hero back rub?
英雄三明治？英雄手活释放？
Hero sandwich? Hero hand release?
一次就够了
Uh, once was enough.
好吧 很好 给你更多时间签名
All right, good. More time for you to sign autographs.
必须让你的粉丝开心
Gotta keep your fans happy.
他们依靠旅游挣来的钱资助了所有这些新的新潮设备
Their tourism dollars fund all this new, futuristic equipment.
你好 我是警♥察♥机器人
Hello. I am Cop Bot.
我的协议是服务、保护和吃甜甜圈
My protocols are to serve and protect, and eat donuts.
我从布鲁克林九九那偷了那个笑话
Ha ha. I stole that joke from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
最好逮捕我
Better arrest me.
我也偷了布鲁克林九九的这个笑话
I also stole that joke from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
我们现在甚至可以预测未来
We can even predict the future now
在犯罪发生之前解决它们
and solve crimes before they happen.
我雇了趣特里奇特医生把证据室
I hired Dr. Funtlichter to turn the evidence room