神经马龙（2017）

各位网民们好啊
What's up, party people?
我上传视频已经有十年之久了
Now I've been posting videos online for the past ten years,
但获得点赞数最多的是
but the ones that get the most love
我给我前妻艾什丽搞的惊喜派对
is when surprise my ex-wife, Ashley, on her birthday.
惊喜吧
Surprise!
马龙
Marlon!
惊喜吧
Surprise!
马龙
Marlon!
惊喜吧
Surprise!
马龙
Marlon!
妈呀
Damn!
我们惊到了
The surprise is on us!
就像她没预料到似的
It's like she never sees it coming.
第一季 第六集
艾什丽 拜托 你马上就四十岁了
Ashley, come on, you're turning 40.
一定得庆祝啊
You gotta celebrate!
我和姐♥妹♥们♥ 我们要喝个烂醉
Me and the girls, we're gonna get drunk
然后在公共场合撒欢儿
and make bad decisions in public places.
给你庆生
For you!
伊维特 尽管听着挺好玩儿
Yvette, as delightful as that sounds,
这个生日让我挺难过
this is hard birthday for me.
我很想低调地过
I just really wanna keep it low-key.
谁马上四十了 但容颜依旧39岁半啊
Who's turning 40, but still look 39 1/2?
是你 我完全无感的女人
Is it you, woman I do not care for?
还是你 我庆幸在她20代时上过她的女人
Or is it you, woman I am so happy I smashed in her 20s?
我是希望别搞这么隆重
I was hoping for a little bit lower key than that.
我就这幅德行 你先别生气
Now, now, before you get mad at me being me,
有个人想见你很久了
I have somebody that's been dying to meet you.
我就是想让他知道你住哪
I just wanted to show him where you live
这样他几年后就很容易找到你了
so it'll be easier to find you in a couple of years.
小史扮的是死神 马龙讽刺她老 几年后就归西了
你不是吧 小史
Really, Stevie?
我目前没工作
I'm presently unemployed.
这三块钱必须挣啊
3 bucks is 3 bucks.
我们怎么为艾什丽庆生啊
So! What are we gonna do for Ashley's birthday?
马龙 我不是跟你开玩笑
Marlon... I'm not playing with you.
对对 你说得很清楚了
No, no, you made it very clear.
你不想搞惊喜派对
You do not want a surprise party.
另外 吓唬你这个年纪的人
Besides, startling somebody your age...
容易给你吓出心脏病
it could lead to a heart attack.
你比他还老呢 混♥蛋♥
You're older than her, jackass.
你有脸说我呢
I know you ain't talkin'.
你四十岁生日时干什么了啊
What did you do on your 40th birthday?
去电影院看《七宝奇谋》了吗
See "Goonies" in the movie theaters?
1985年上映的电影 讽刺她老
你明知道我没到四十岁
You know damn well I ain't 40.
「黑人不显老」这一套骗不了我
I know who you foolin' with that black don't crack.
你的脚出♥卖♥♥♥了你
But your feet sure do.
你虽然是童颜
Okay? You look 25 in the face
却有一双老人脚
but 62 in the feet.
你的颜是一副 「黑人的命也是命」
Your face say, "Black lives matter."
而你的脚则是一副 「我们要战胜一切」
And your feet say, "We shall overcome."
前者是近年来流行语 后者是六十年代反战民谣
这么说 你可能过四十了吗
So you could be over 40?
我才不会跟你说我多大...
I ain't telling you how old I am...
本来的称号♥是「镰刀死神」
镰刀变♥态♥
Grim Creeper.
你有事隐瞒
You're hiding something.
我以侦探自诩
I fancy myself a bit of a sleuth.
过去在大学 我可是
In college, I was a founding member of
「史酷比」解谜社团的创始人
the Scooby Doo Mystery Solvers Club.
实体比名字会酷一些
It was way cooler than it sounds.
哪有啊
No, it wasn't.
看来我要找出解谜机器
Looks like I'll have to fire up the Mystery Machine
查出你的年龄了
to find out your age.
科幻电影《史酷比》的台词
有发现
Zoinks!
一条线索
A clue.
一根白头发
A gray hair.
白头发
Gray hair?
这是我挑染了一撮金发
This is a blonde highlight.
失陪了
Now, excuse me.
小艾
So, Ash...
四十岁大寿
The big 4-0.
你今年要给自己准备什么大礼啊
What big, crazy gift you gonna get for yourself this year?
买♥♥一台楼梯升降椅吗
One of them stair lift chairs that do this...
马龙 今年很难超越我去年
Well, you know, Marlon, it's gonna be kind of hard
给自己送的大礼
to beat the gift I gave myself last year:
就是跟你离婚
a divorce from you.
说真的 小艾 你要送自己什么
But seriously, Ash, what are you gonna get yourself?
其实是很隐私的礼物
Well, actually, it's somewhat personal.
我不想谈
I don't want to discuss it.
懂了
I see...
你要去加勒比海
Are you gonna go to the Caribbean
找回你的性感风采吗
and get your groove back?
找小鲜肉们玩耍么
With a little Jamaican boy named Dexter?
好了好了
Okay, okay!
别闹了
Stop it!
我一直在考虑的一件事
It's something I've been considering for a while.
但还没拿定主意
You know, I'm just not sure.
你们在说隆胸的事吗
Y'all talking about the boob job?
隆胸
A boob job!
不说也得说了
We are now.
不是吧 隆胸吗
Really? A boob job?
你看起来很惊讶啊
You seem surprised,
我还以为你喜欢「惊喜」呢
and I thought you liked surprises.
你知道你做了这样的事以后
Yeah, but do you know what kind of person you become
你就变成什么人了吗
when you do something like that.
拥有更大胸的人吗
A person with bigger boobs?
对不起 我以为你是问大家意见
Sorry, I thought you threw that out to the room.
你想过跟我商量一下吗
Now, were you even gonna discuss this with me?
还是打算到时候直接来找我
Or were you gonna show up to my house
带着你那俩大胸 穿着紧身T 说
with them popping out your T-shirt, talking about,
餐厅服务员皆为性感大胸妹
「你好 欢迎来到猫头鹰餐厅」
"Hello, welcome to Hooters."
「想吃什么口味的鸡翅啊
"How would you like your wings?
辣味 微辣 柠檬胡椒味」
Spicy, mild, or lemon pepper?"
也许这就是我不想跟你谈的原因
Maybe this is why I didn't want to discuss it with you, Marlon, okay?
我的身体我做主
It's my body.
确实是你的身体 但这是我们的过往
Yes, it's your body, but that's our history.
你的身体就是我们回忆的公路交通图
That's the road map of our memories.
-公路交通图 -公路交通图
- Road map? - A road map?
我的身体是公路交通图吗
My body is a road map?
我不是指废旧过时的交通图
I didn't mean like a old, weathered, pirate's map.
我是指从美国汽车协会拿到的高级版
You know, I meant more like a laminated one you get at AAA.
艾什丽 我的初衷是好意
Ashley, I meant that sweetly.
你不喜欢那些妊娠纹
You complain about your stretch marks.
你知道怎么得来的妊娠纹吗
You know how you got those stretch marks?
记得你怀了扎克时
Remember when you was pregnant with Zack,
我们常出去吃汉堡和甜甜圈吗
we used to go out and get cheeseburgers and Krispy Kremes?
你想要改变的胸
And those breasts that you want to change...
喂饱了我的孩子们
those fed my babies.
九十年代 还就靠你的胸器进夜店呢
And got us into a lot of clubs in the '90s.
但不只有这些啊
There's more to it than that.
-那孩子呢 -什么
- But what about the kids? - What?
看看孩子怎么想吧
Let's see what the kids think of it.
别 马龙
No, Marlon!
别把孩子牵扯进来
Do not involve the kids!
马莉 马莉 听着
Marley! Marley, listen.
你妈想做胸部整形
Your mommy wants to get a breast augmentation,
抱歉我用语粗俗了 其实就是隆胸
and forgive my language, but that's a boob job.
你现在跟你妈妈说下你的想法吧
Now I want you to tell Mommy what you think about this.
说吧
Go on.
来吧